Trudging Along

*Deep Breath*

 Let's do a bit of catching up. 

Since the miscarriage in April, so much has happened. But, no, I'm still not pregnant.

I met with my RE in May. Merman had his semen analysis. I had the SIS done. Everything came back perfect and normal. Merman already has great sperm but it actually improved since the last analysis. My SIS was clean. The RE commented that "it's almost like you have reversed ovarian aging." And this gave me hope.

Ultimately, IVF is our best chance of having another baby. My RE said she was willing to try whatever we wanted but, even with my improved numbers, I still have diminished ovarian reserve. The quickest/best way to mature these eggs and reduce the chance of miscarriage would be to do IVF with genetic testing.

June/July: We did an unmonitored Letrozole Cycle with my RE. It didn't work.

I decided to speak with my midwife to see what they could do at the OB's office as far as infertility was concerned. I thought it may be easier and cheaper to continue using Letrozole with the OB. So that's exactly what we did.

August: Monitored Letrozole Cycle. 7 follicles. WHERE DID MY FOLLICLES GO?!?! Failed.

September: Monitored Letrozole Cycle. 5 follicles. WTF?! Failed.

October: Monitored Cycle. 7 follicles. Failed. (I chose not to take the Letrozole because I didn't like the way it was making me feel. But I continued with the monitoring for data purposes).

November: Took a break from trying. I needed some mental and emotional relief from this roller coaster. HOWEVER, I ovulated pretty early (cycle day 12) and my cycle was only 26 days, which was pretty alarming.

December: Taking another break this month to focus on Merbaby and enjoy the holiday season with him. 
I just got a positive ovulation test on cycle day 11! I'm worried sick over it because my follicle count has dropped drastically in the past year. Last October (2018), my AFC was 13! And now I've only got 5?!?! My cycles are getting shorter and I'm ovulating way too early. There's no way my eggs have time to grow and mature in such a short amount of time. Before the miscarriage and Letrozole, I was ovulating on days 14-15 and having 29-30 day cycles. I'm really hoping my body is just in a funk after being on Letrozole. As I near age 35, I feel like a ticking time bomb. At any moment, my ovaries are just going to throw in the towel and retire on me. It's depressing and terrifying.

^My Ovaries^

Next Steps: What's the Plan?
Merman and I had somewhat of an "argument" one night about what our next steps are. I've really been struggling emotionally and he voiced concern. I finally spoke the words I'd been thinking aloud, "I just want to try IVF again." And that prompted the conversation about whether that was even a possibility. We're still paying off the infertility treatment from 2016 while also paying for daycare and an extra human in the household. 💙 We reworked our budget but there's absolutely no way we can afford over $15, 000 worth of treatment again. So, we started working on a plan.

First, we used Resolve's template to write a letter to Human Resources at Merman's company. We requested infertility coverage. We got an immediate response with some really awesome news! They're looking into getting coverage and will be holding a corporate meeting about it in April. While this is definitely something to celebrate, it also means that coverage won't start until January 2021. I'll be over 35 at that point. Thinking of waiting that long to do IVF makes me want to vomit.

Next, we contacted family to ask if they'd be willing to help out in anyway. My parents are in! They are going to help out as much as they can.

And alas, we have discovered Bonfire. A way to make our fundraising personal and fun! We'll be designing a few different shirts and selling them through Bonfire in hopes of raising money to put towards IVF in the spring. We've been brainstorming ideas and will likely launch sales in the next week. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as I know it's unrealistic to expect $15,000 from a t-shirt fundraiser. But it might put us one step closer to our dream.

In the meantime, I've applied for a few IVF grants. Unfortunately, we don't qualify for many because of my diagnosis and/or because we already have one child (even though it took several years and 3 IVFs to get him). But I get it!

⇼⇼⇼⇼⇼

Having a plan makes me feel like I'm doing something. It gives me a sense of control. Control over my fertility and of our future. Taking a break was exactly what I needed and I'm in a really good place right now (aside from worrying about that follicle count).

On repetition in my brain: You will do IVF in 2020. You will get pregnant in 2020. This will work.

I Think It's Finally Over

Today I'm feeling sad.

I've been doing pretty well the past few days but today feels different.

I'm at the end of the process. There's not much going on anymore. Relief and sadness sporadically hit me like waves. It's exhausting.

The heavy bleeding started on Friday. I tried to work through it, keeping myself distracted. But I couldn't focus on anything and was constantly checking to see if I'd bled through my pants. Merman was off that day so we spent a few hours on the couch binge-watching "The OA" and snacking on my favorite treats.

There wasn't much cramping or pain. (I guess all of that happened the weekend before?) Because I felt okay, I decided to get dressed and join Merman at daycare for Merbaby's Easter party.  Taking advantage of the time off and spending it with our sweet boy was the right thing to do! It really cheered me up and helped me remember that fighting through infertility was worth it. And I can fight through this too. That afternoon, my friend (the one who found out she was pregnant the same weekend) came over with a goody bag full of my favorite things including red wine and chocolate. Her visit really lifted my spirits especially since she can relate. We were able to talk openly about what was happening and I knew that she really understood what I was going through.

The cramping never became too unbearable. It was light and sporadic. The worst part was the bleeding and tiredness. I just felt so incredibly tired and sad. I woke up around 4 AM on Saturday morning and I'm pretty sure I'd passed the embryo overnight. I know it's too small to really see that early on but what I saw gave me pause and really pulled on the heartstrings.

Saturday was the worst day of the whole process. I had to go into the fertility clinic for another HCG blood draw. That afternoon was our friend's son's 2nd birthday party. After a nice nap, we drove to the party. To be honest, it was hard to put a smile on my face and socialize. Every time I bent over or tried playing with the kids, there was a gush. I was in and out of the bathroom and felt like complete shit. But it was worth being with friends, watching Merbaby as he played, and getting to munch on some buffalo chicken dip. ;)

Merman was fantastic and took over everything that weekend. I was able to lay on the couch, nap, and take it easy. We stayed up watching more OA that night while I sipped on a little red wine (gift from my friend).

Sunday was Easter. We had a very lazy morning that involved cuddles and cartoons on the couch. Merbaby got a lot of new trucks, cars, and a bus in his Easter basket so he was content and occupied for HOURS! Then we ventured out for brunch. After another afternoon nap, my family came over. Thirty minutes before their arrival, I put on a dress, make-up, and did my hair so that we could take the typical outdoor Easter pictures. As soon as photos were taken, I was back in my yoga pants and t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail.

My mom brought over a cake that she baked for me along with some Easter treats. It was so nice having everyone there to play with and entertain Merbaby so that I could relax. We kept it simple and ordered pizza. My mom hid eggs for Merbaby to find. My sister and niece brought a race car Easter basket over and Merbaby went nuts playing with it. It was exactly what I needed and I am so appreciative to my family for being there that day.

The weekend really took it out of me though. I was beyond exhausted so I went straight to bed on Sunday evening. Merman cleaned everything up and helped get ready for the work week. He really has been so amazing through this whole ordeal.

My HCG results from Saturday came back at 27. Which means that I won't be able to have the SIS and consultation until my next cycle. Thinking of the wait really bums me out. But I'm trying to stay positive. This will give me time to recover and focus on getting my body back to a good place. I'm going back in this weekend for another blood draw. They want to see it hit 0.

Thanks to this week being National Infertility Awareness Week (impeccable timing, huh?), I've been searching through articles and videos to post on social media. In doing so, I've come across Dr. Aimee's YouTube video and learned so much!

Things I'm Doing to Improve Egg Health:
- Acai Berry Powder
I've started making smoothies for breakfast again. This ensures that I'm getting more fruits and veggies into my diet along with the Acai berry that Dr. Aimee recommends.
- Melatonin
I've started with 3 mg. a night. Even if it doesn't improve my egg quality, it's improving my sleep! It has only been 3 nights but I haven't been waking up to pee, switch positions, or stare at the clock. It's pretty amazing!

- Vitamin D
I was already taking this daily so I'm continuing to do that.

- Folate/Vitamin B12
This is something I've been doing since our transfer in 2016 so I'm continuing that, as well.

- CoQ10
I ordered this from Theralogix using the discount code from Dr. Aimee. It should arrive today and I'll start taking a pill a day. This was something I took during our IUIs and IVF cycles in 2016 so I feel comfortable doing it again.

- Healthy Eating/Exercise
I'm already a pretty healthy person. I have a history of gluten insensitivity and possible Celiac so I've been gluten-free for over 3 years now. But since I've stopped breastfeeding, I've been slacking on the healthy habits. That has to change! 1) Less sugary treats. 2) Less preservatives. I'm going to really focus on eating plant-based foods, protein, and eating fresh green vegetables. 3) Avoiding alcohol. I hardly ever drink anyways but I'm cutting it out even more. 4) Exercise. I was doing so well with exercising before this happened! I was getting 3-4 workouts in per week and feeling really good. But it completely stopped the day I found out I was pregnant. Once the bleeding stops, I'll jump back into that schedule and the routine I had going.

Future?
Merman and I spoke briefly about trying. Now that we've had the idea of a second baby dangled in front of us, we both really want it. I plan to ask my RE about trying Letrozole and doing timed cycles at home for a few months. If that doesn't work, I'm not opposed to trying medicated IUIs and/or another IVF cycle. But we would need help to pay for those options.

Merman is calling to get an updated semen analysis scheduled while we wait for my next cycle to start.

I'm still in shock and disbelief at our current situation. I never truly thought we'd get pregnant naturally. After YEARS of infertility and failed IVF cycles, I thought we'd made it out of that struggle without loss. I considered myself lucky to have never experienced that. And now here we are. It's still unreal to me. Especially now that the bleeding has almost stopped and I'm feeling normal again. Did the past few weeks really even happen?

It's Happening

Since finding out this would not be a viable pregnancy, I've been all over the place figuring out how to cope.

I had a phone-meeting with my RE on Wednesday afternoon. She told me that the miscarriage could take up to 3 or 4 weeks to happen. What an awful long time to wait! I have an appointment for another HCG draw tomorrow morning. We made a plan for "next steps." As soon as I have a period (does the bleeding from the miscarriage count?) I'm supposed to schedule a SIS to check for scarring. She ordered this test for me back in November after the HSG came back showing something wonky on the left side of my uterus. They think I may have scarring from the retained placenta. Because of money, I put the procedure off. Now I'm regretting that and hoping we don't find anything on the SIS.

From the Nashville Fertility Website: A saline-infusion sonogram (SIS) may also be called a Hydrosonogram or Saline infusion sonohysterography (SHG). This test is an ultrasound study of the uterus and uterine cavity. This test does not evaluate the fallopian tubes. Abnormalities such as fibroids, uterine polyps and scarring can be detected with this test. All of these abnormalities are things that could interfere with embryo implantation and fertility.

After the procedure, we'll go directly into her office for a consult. We'll go over my updated results from October, the SIS and HSG results, and talk about what happened with the miscarriage. And we can also plan next steps.


Since that conversation, I've been feeling a little better about the whole thing. I've reached out to friends who have been through this and they have been extremely supportive and helpful. More than I could ask for. But I'm obsessively running to the bathroom to check for bleeding. Yesterday I had some brown spotting and little cramps here and there but nothing happened. I convinced Merman that we needed a Mexican dinner so I enjoyed queso and a margarita. Each night since finding out, I've gone straight to bed after putting Merbaby to sleep cause I just don't have motivation to do anything but wait. Not healthy. I know. But I have been pouring my heart into work the past couple of days. Creating color coded end-of-year to-do lists from my team (which I'm sure they love), holding meetings, working with students a little more than usual, etc.

When I woke up this morning, there was a little more brown spotting but nothing major and no cramping so off to work I went in the pouring rain with tornado warnings all around. After holding a short meeting, I went to the bathroom and BOOM! There it was. It has officially started. I'm having waves of hot flashes but nothing more. No cramping. Part of me wants to stay and work but I'd also just like to be at home, eating candy, drinking coffee cause I can.

We'll see how this day, weekend, process plays out.

The Inevitable

I went back for bloodwork today.

My HCG is back down to 170.

The doctor said that I will likely start bleeding in the next few days. But I still need to go back in for another blood draw to track my beta back down to 0.

I'm not sure how I feel.

Just locked myself in my office and crying it out at the moment. Part of me was prepared for this. Especially after the bleeding and slow rise on Sunday. But since then I've been feeling really good. I've had zero bleeding so I started getting hopeful again.

It's all happening so fast. How am I even in this predicament? I never wanted to experience this!

Fuck.

Miscarriage... or not?

The first thing I did when we woke up was check for bleeding. There was a small spot on the pad but nothing more. I'd made it through the night with no more bleeding. And when I wiped, it was clean! HALLELUJAH!

I called the clinic right away because I couldn't just sit around all day and wonder. My nurse called back (obviously woken from her sleep). She told me to come in for the HCG draw today instead of tomorrow and wanted to check my progesterone. 

She was very comforting and explained that sometimes dehydration in early pregnancy can cause cramping and bleeding. So I was instructed to drink a lot of water. She also told me that since I'm not bleeding through pads or into the toilet, we shouldn't panic. 

I left the house at 8 AM and Merman took over for the day. After the blood draw, I went to the store to get a snack and water for the long ride home. We had terrible stormy weather today and I knew the drive would be long and laborious. I was right! I witnessed two accidents on the interstate and it took over an hour to get back to my side of town. I decided to run into a department store to use the restroom and that's when the clinic called with results. 

HCG- 643

Progesterone- 41

BAD NEWS! In three days, my beta has not even come close to doubling. The lady on the phone explained that it's still rising so I'll need to come back on Tuesday to see what's going on. Until then, continue progesterone and just wait. 

We're basically stuck in limbo and it's pure torture. 

After some crying and self-calming, I managed to go grocery shopping. I called my supervisor and explained everything, through tears again. She told me about the time she had a miscarriage and told me to spend time with family and focus on love. I was told that work didn't matter and not to worry a bit. She told me to go to the appointments without thinking twice. (I absolutely love my bosses!)

Once I got home, I was feeling normal again. No cramping. Still no more bleeding. Just mentally and emotionally exhausted. I climbed in bed with Merbaby and we watched some "bus" videos. (He is obsessed). After awhile, we came down to play but I felt so tired. Merman took over again and I took a nice, long nap. Afterward, I was able to make dinner, play with Merbaby, do bathtime, and mealprep for the next day. That nap was exactly what I needed. 

Now it's 9:14 PM and I'm having some more spotting. Brown this time. What does that mean? I thought brown wasn't supposed to be anything to worry about but I just have a feeling it's the beginning stages of a miscarriage. I can't help but think that the progesterone is preventing the inevitable from happening. 

I'm trying to focus on my day-to-day. I'm ready to have answers and move on. I can't consume myself with this... easier said than done. 

The cramps come and go. I don't know what to make of them. 

I've been on Reddit and seen similar beta stories that turned out to be ectopics... 

I'm still clinging to a little hope but not holding my breath. 

UNBELIEVABLE NEWS!

I am pregnant!

I can't believe this! Honestly... I've been pretty much speechless since finding out. There just aren't words to describe the complete joy, shock, and anxiety I'm feeling. It's a freaking miracle!

Here's how it happened: 

In March, I decided not to track my ovulation and just enjoy the month without worrying over my cycle/body/infertility. However, because I am so in tune with my body I can usually tell when I'm ovulating. This month, I did notice that the symptoms came on much later than usual. Typically, I ovulate between days 10-12. But this time, I didn't notice symptoms until day 14 and they were STRONG! I didn't test with an OPK stick and ignored the symptoms because I wanted a break from being consumed by my cycle. On cycle day 15, Merman and I had a little fun but I didn't even think twice about it. 

Fast forward about 9 days, Merbaby is playing in the bathroom while I'm using it (gotta love mom life) and he finds all of my old pregnancy tests. He's throwing them around the floor and having a blast playing with them. I took a funny video of it then decided to check the expiration dates to see if they needed to be thrown out. The Early Response test was due to expire in April and the box of Wondfos expire in May. I thought to myself, "I might as well pee on the Early Response test before throwing it out just to say I used it." I waited til the day my period was expected (cycle day 26), peed on it, saw the one line (negative), rolled my eyes and cursed myself for bringing back the memories of infertility, and stuck the test in my pocket to throw out. 

April 4- The next day, we left to go out of town for a long weekend at my Grandmother's. I packed tons of pads, tampons, and a brand new menstrual cup that I was excited to use. We were super busy the whole weekend but I kept running to the bathroom thinking my period had started. We arrived back home Saturday night, cycle day 29. Still no period! I knew something weird was going on because I always start around days 26 or 27. But the negative test had me thinking it was impossible. Looking back through my period tracker app confirmed my suspicions. It was odd for me to be on cycle day 29 without a period in sight. In the past year, I've only had one cycle that lasted 29 days. 

I convinced myself that the delay was from being on Spring Break and traveling. My body was off its routine and I'd probably start on Sunday. Then I reminded myself that I probably ovulated later which would make the cycle a little longer. 

Coincidentally, my best friend found out she was pregnant on Saturday. Her and her husband have been trying for a year and have had 2 miscarriages. After much convincing by me, she visited her OB and took Letrozole for her March cycle. Because of her miscarriages, her cycle was pushed back a little and matched up with mine almost perfectly. Our periods were due the same day. She told me that she tested positive and asked if I'd started my cycle yet. Then she suggested taking another test. I blew her off and went about my weekend. 

April 7- Back at home- Sunday morning (cycle day 30), we were in the grocery store and I saw a pregnant woman. She stopped and smiled at me and Merbaby. Seeing that pregnant belly sparked something in me that said, "Your period isn't coming. Just take another test." I was having absolutely zero period symptoms, which was also very bizarre. 

After cleaning up from lunch at home, I went upstairs to change for the gym and decided to just test. I pulled out 2 Wondfos and peed on them. I could barely keep my eyes off of them. The one solid line seemed to be taunting and laughing at me. I got so angry at myself for being hopeful enough to test again. Rolling my eyes, I and finished getting ready. Before walking out of the bathroom, I glanced back down at the tests and saw a second line! TWO LINES! POSITIVE?!?!?! I almost fainted. I did a double-take, a close-up look, blinked a million times. Then I just started balling and pacing. WHAT THE HELL??? How was this even possible?? I paced the bathroom for about 3 minutes debating whether or not I should run downstairs to show Merman. I really thought I was hallucinating. I decided that I just needed to leave the house quickly to process what this meant... how it was even possible. I grabbed my stuff, hugged the boys goodbye, and drove to the gym. 

Once there, I just sat in the parking lot for 5-10 minutes trying to wrap my mind around this new reality. I googled early pregnancy, searching to see if the tests were even reliable since they're so close to expiration. At that moment, I decided that I needed to go buy a Clearblue test so it will just say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant." No questions.

I don't know why, but I still went into the gym and did a 30-minute cardio workout. All the time, I was busy obsessing: downloading a pregnancy app and figuring out how far along I am, calculating the due date, searching for similar stories, etc. My head was spinning. I e-mailed my fertility clinic nurse begging to have my hcg and progesterone checked ASAP. On the way home from the gym, I grabbed a Clearblue test from the store and hid it in the bottom of the diaper bag. As luck would have it, both Merbaby and Merman were napping so I ran to the bathroom and peed on the stick. In less than a minute, it read PREGNANT. And I lost it all over again. 

I decided to tell Merman the news after Merbaby was asleep, which was SO HARD! I just wanted to shout it at him all afternoon. I found a "#1 Dad" Gift bag and wrapped the test up in it. I told him that I had a present for him and handed it over. Because I'd been out of town, he had no idea that my period was due or that I was late so this was a total shock. He saw the test and his mouth dropped open. I don't even remember what he said, but he was so happy and excited. He told me that he had just been thinking about how much he'd like for Merbaby to have a sibling. And he was going to suggest we start trying to "have fun" more often. But we never thought it was truly a possibility without treatment. We hugged a lot and talked about how the heck this was even happening. 

Since then, I've been peeing on a Wondfo every morning to see if the line is getting darker or lighter. It was a pretty faint line on Sunday but it was also the middle of the day. Each day, it has gotten a little darker and today (April 10) it is almost as dark as the control line!

Line Progression from Sunday (bottom) - Thursday (top)
And the first PREGNANT I've ever seen!

April 9- I went into the fertility clinic for a beta and progesterone test. It was surreal being back in there for an hcg blood draw!!! The results should be in today and the wait is killing me. The darker line this morning has given me more hope but I'm so terrified that my numbers will be low. 

Thoughts and Feelings: Holy shit. Seriously. I just keep thinking that over and over. HO. LY. SHIT!

I am trying to be very realistic about the chances of this pregnancy actually lasting. Women with low AMH have a very high miscarriage rate. They also have a higher possibility of genetic problems. As of today, I'm 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So we're in for quite a wait. Wait to get the beta results. Wait to see if they double. Wait for the viability ultrasound. Wait to get in at the OB. Wait for genetic screening at week 12. Wait for the anatomy scan at week 20. Wait to make it to week 24, viability. Wait. Wait. Wait...

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. From the second I saw that test, I told myself a miscarriage was very likely and to be prepared. BUT I'm hoping so very much that this is just one of those unexplained, miracle stories. I'm constantly praying and begging for this little embryo to make it into the world as a fully functioning, healthy human being. 

I'm also trying to focus on the positive: I can get pregnant! For the first time, I conceived naturally. I was able to experience the surprise of a period not ever coming. I got to cry upon seeing a positive test. I got to surprise my husband with news that I'm pregnant. These are things I longed for for so many years. Even if this pregnancy doesn't last, I was able to experience the normalcy of finding out I'm naturally pregnant. Nothing can take that away. 

UPDATE: Thursday, APRIL 11
A nurse e-mailed my results last night and I'm not extremely happy with them.
HCG- 156
progesterone- 14.7

They like to see progesterone above 15 so they're putting me on vaginal suppositories (yuck).

While my HCG is positive, it's not very high and that worries me. My blood was drawn at 4 weeks, 4 days pregnant. With Merbaby, my HCG was 795 at 4+4. That's a big difference.

I got the e-mail in the midst of Merbaby's bath and bedtime routine. It really threw me for a loop so I tried to focus in on him and how happy he makes me. I held it together pretty well until it was time to rock him. I started crying as I rocked and cuddled my sweet little boy. I'm so afraid of what's to come. I really don't want this to be a miscarriage. I've always been an outsider when it comes to experiencing miscarriage and I feel extremely fortunate for that. Even with my diagnosis and years of infertility, I've never had to experience a miscarriage. It's not a club I want to be a part of.

After getting him to sleep, I went to our bedroom to sulk and call the pharmacy. Apparently this type of progesterone isn't very common so they had to order it. It should be in today.

The nurse that e-mailed me said that she scheduled me for an 8AM blood draw the following morning so we can see if the hcg doubles and to have my TSH checked. But this was a huge problem because I didn't get the e-mail til 7 PM. Being a teacher means jumping through flaming hoops to arrange time off, even it is just coming in a little late one day. We're in the midst of state-wide standardized testing and it really messes things up when a "testgiver" is out. I gave the assistant principal a call to discuss me missing testing. I thought I was okay until she answered the phone and I lost control! I was not expecting to cry at all! Through tears, I muttered something about needing to get a blood test done because we were doing some fertility stuff and it wasn't going well. Instantly, she told me to take the day and she would cover testing. I wasn't ready to tell her exactly what was going on and she didn't ask. Thank goodness! She did say, "Oh honey! I didn't realize you all were doing that again." Instant guilt. I hung up with her and just cried!

I finally walked downstairs to Merman to cry some more. He didn't understand why I was so upset and it was very encouraging to speak with him. He reminded me over and over that we weren't out of the game yet. I got onto Reddit and reached out for support. Those infertile ladies pulled through! Many sent stories of successful pregnancies with low betas. I even heard from a woman who had a successful spontaneous pregnancy with low AMH and low progesterone. So I'm clinging on to that little bit of hope again.

Unfortunately, they scheduled my second blood-draw at the main location which is an hour drive in morning traffic. I left my house before 7 and pulled into the parking lot 5 minutes before 8. I started to tear up a few times in the waiting room. Just being back there and seeing all the women in the waiting room pulled at my heartstrings. My doctor walked through in her scrubs, which means today is her egg retrieval and transfer day (meaning she does the procedures). I thought to myself, "Some woman is back there right now preparing for a retrieval and hoping for that miracle baby." And I had to fight the tears away.

After the blood draw, I went to the bathroom and it triggered me. It was the same bathroom I'd used so many times prior to retrieval and other appointments. So I sat on that toilet and cried some more. Why is infertility so mean and unfair?

I'm still holding on to hope and hoping for a miracle. I want this baby so bad!

Results will be in tomorrow so I've got another 24+ hours to wait. Hoping for HCG of 312 or higher!

Also, Mr. Merman grabbed the progesterone tonight and we started injections. I e-mailed the nurse and opted to do injections instead of suppositories. Ewww!

Here we go again!

April 12 Update

I thought I was doing okay for the first part of the day. Keeping busy teaching, helping throw a surprise celebration with some colleagues, and just working hard to distract myself.

During the morning standardized testing, I looked up and noticed a motivational poster on the teacher's wall. It really struck a chord with me and I had to fight back the tears. I ended up repeating it to myself all throughout the day.

As the end of the day neared, I could feel myself getting really anxious. I was in the bathroom and started having what I think was a panic attack. I couldn't breath and felt sweaty. It felt like my head was spinning and I had no control. I had to take deep breaths, count to 10, and remind myself that this is out of my control. After a few minutes, I ran back to my office, turned on YouTube and started playing Candy Crush to distract myself. It took about 20 minutes but I finally started to feel okay. Needless to say, not a lot of work got done. I felt like screaming and running, but where to? And why? Looking back, I think the hardest part of this is not having control and the long wait for results just amplified those feelings. 

On the way to pick Merbaby up from daycare, the clinic e-mailed my results. My beta TRIPLED!!

HCG- 490

TSH- normal 

I was elated and relieved. I cried all the way to daycare and texted Merman. I was on cloud nine the rest of that night. The nurse told me to come back on Monday for a 3rd beta. I called my supervisor and arrangements were made. 

4/13- Saturday was a really good day, at first. Merbaby and I tried a new indoor playplace. We had a blast and totally wore each other out. I was beyond exhausted so I tried to take it easy the rest of the day. My back was hurting from all the playing and climbing. And I needed a nap but Merbaby wasn't having it with naptime. :( 

We decided to hit up Waffle House for dinner. It was at Waffle House that we made the decision to tell our parents what was going on. We will let them know how early in the pregnancy it is and explain that anything can go wrong. I've been dying to tell my mom and we could really use the support so that was that. Decision made. We'd tell them that night. 

While there, I started to feel pretty bad. By the time we got home, I thought I was having diarrhea pains but nothing was happening when I went to the bathroom. My back pain had gotten much worse. I was feeling a bit nauseous and extremely tired. I sucked it up to overdoing it at the playplace and continued on with the night. 

We Facetimed both parents with the news and both were in shock and elated! I washed my hair, did some cleaning, etc. Just before bed, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was pink blood on the toilet paper. I panicked and wiped again. And again. Still there! I tried to be rational and convince myself that spotting is very common. Next, I attempted to dry my hair but couldn't because I felt so bad and was scared shitless. Mr. Merman came in and I told him what was going on. He helped me get set up in bed with the hospital pad (to catch blood), heating pad for my back, and water. We laid there in silence for a while before deciding to call it a night. I was starting to cramp and the nausea was getting worse. I just knew it was a miscarriage. 

Infertility after Infertility

Naivety.

I was naive in thinking that if we could finally get our baby, I would be 100% happy and move on from the woes of infertility. While I am the happiest I've ever been, infertility is still rearing it's ugly head and effecting our lives.

Ever since having Merbaby, I've had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and pure joy. I know it's pretty cliche to say, but being a mom completes me and makes me feel whole. I was born to be a mother and I love every bit of it. It's hard to describe but I just keep getting this deeply saddening feeling when I think that this could be it. One and done.

I absolutely loved being pregnant and the birthing process. I'm not ready to say goodbye to this part of my life. Thinking that I'll never be pregnant or experience birth again absolutely breaks my heart. It tears me up inside to think about the fact that I'll never get to nurse again or watch a tiny human grow and learn new things each day. I don't want all of the new, first-experiences to also be "lasts." I love motherhood and I want more of it.

I was engulfed in these feelings during early fall. It was nagging at me and I felt overwhelmed by it so I decided to do something. I contacted the fertility clinic and arranged to have some updated testing done. I was hoping it might offer some closure on this part of my life... that I'd see my results and realize that pregnancy just isn't an option. I could close that door and move on.

I met with my reproductive endocrinologist in October and we made a plan of what tests to take. I explained my feelings and thoughts to her. She was ready to dive back into treatment but I told her we just don't have the money for it. I needed her to look me in the eye and tell me the truth about my natural/cheap options. I needed her to help me move past these feelings. Despite my efforts to control the tears, they started flowing as I sat there in that office begging for a solution. An excuse to keep trying. A reason to give up.

Background information: At the time, Mr. Merman and I had been "trying" again since May (I'd started having cycles again in March/April). It wasn't an extremely concerted effort but I was tracking my cycles and timing intercourse accordingly. If we were really busy or had a lot going on during that fertile period, we would just let that month slide. Mr.Merman and I talked and agreed to just have sex and see what happens without focusing whole-heartedly on it... aka: Don't let it run your life like it did the first time around. 

The RE did tell me that after a year of no results, my chances got lower and gave a little speech about the chances of a natural pregnancy with my diagnosis but explained that it's not impossible. So, we decided to move forward with the updated testing and go from there. No pressure. I was assigned a nurse and sent on my way to discuss the logistics with her.

The following cycle, I had day 3 testing done to get updated AMH, FSH, TSH, estrogen levels, and an STD panel. They did an ultrasound to update the AFC (antral follicle count). And I had another HSG (yuck!). Here's the hard part- all of my results improved! It is totally normal for these numbers to fluctuate but it did not provide the closure I was hoping for. My FSH is normal now!?!? That's HUGE!

Results:

AMH:
Jan. 2016 = 7.4
Nov. 2018 = 9.64
(normal is higher than 1.5)

FSH:
Jan. 2016= 12
Nov. 2018 = 8
(normal is 11 or less)

AFC:
2016 (multiple counts) = averaged 7-9 follicles
Nov. 2018 = 13 follicles

Estrogen and TSH came back normal and in a good range. No STDs.

HSG Results
The HSG came back normal, for the most part. My tubes were clear and everything was in place. However, the left side of my uterus had a big black splotchy area, which could be caused be scar tissue. An HSG doesn't check for these types of things but it could be indicative of something going on in there. The doctor preforming the procedure said it could also be a bubble of air from the ink entering my uterus. After seeing the scan and results, my RE ordered a SIS (saline sonogram) to have the inside of the uterus checked out. The doctor performing the HSG spoke with me very briefly but we did determine that my "placenta dig" could have caused scarring in the uterus. (Check back in my blog for the after-birth story to read about that stubborn placenta- Placenta Dig Post).

MONEY PROBLEMS
Unfortunately, we just don't have the money for all of this. We're still paying off the IVF loan we took out for Merbaby and now we have the added (outrageous) weekly cost of daycare. Needless to say, we just don't have much wiggle room for my infertility costs.
My initial visit with the RE wasn't covered by insurance so that was $250 out of pocket. The ultrasound wasn't covered and only parts of the bloodwork were covered. Insurance didn't pay for the diagnostic portion of the HSG so I'm currently fighting that $400+ charge and having insurance reevaluate it. Within two months, we were coughing up hundreds of dollars (nearly $1,000) just to get some diagnostic testing done. Because of this, I haven't been able to meet with the doctor to discuss results, my husband has not been in for an updated semen analysis, and I've put off having the SIS done.

Thoughts About  My Uterus
Initially, I was pretty bummed at the prospect of having yet another issue that could cause problems conceiving. It just seems so unfair to have yet another thing added to the list of "reasons I can't get pregnant." If the SIS shows that I do have scar tissue, we'll have to schedule a procedure to have it removed. More money, more treatment, more invasive things being stuck in my lady bits, BLAH! It just makes me want to scream sometimes.

I do plan to have the SIS done this spring or summer. I'm just waiting til we figure out this $400 charge and build some savings back up. (An emergency room visit, Piper's vaccines and flea meds, and HOA dues have added to our list of financial burdens for the next few months). I've had time to calm down but hate knowing that I could be missing that one good egg that might drop and fertilize. What if there is scarring and it can't implant? What if it does implant but the scarring prevents it from staying attached or growing correctly? I have so many of these thoughts going through my mind each day. I'm just ready to know for sure.

I'm also curious of Merman's semen analysis. It was excellent before but he's lost a lot of weight in the past year (almost 60 lbs.) and has been exercising and eating healthy. All of this likely has an impact on his reproductive health. Hopefully it's a good one!

Meanwhile
I'm enjoying life with Merbaby and focusing on every little second I get with him. I've started tutoring twice a week, before school starts. It's early and I miss out on waking Merbaby up. But the extra money will help us pay bills and stay afloat.

I'm doing a lot of research to see how I can increase my chances of conceiving naturally because paying for treatment is NOT an option. I've ordered It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett and plan to read that to see what reasonable improvements I can make in my life. I've started doing more research on MTHFR and learning what it means. I've found out that it effects about 70% of white women and about 50% of the population. I may have to do an entirely separate post on what I've learned from my "research" and talking with medical professionals on this topic. It's something I definitely want to have tested but again, it costs money! Insurance doesn't cover the testing so I will just wait and wonder. I'm absolutely fascinated by what I'm learning though.

I'm continuing to track my cycles. They are picture perfect (which is even more infuriating). I did take a few months off from tracking when it started messing with my emotions. I don't want to cry every time I start my period so I took a little break to get my head right. Because my cycles are so predictable, I knew when I was ovulating and when I was about to start so we still had intercourse, but I wasn't testing or putting anything in my tracking calendar. It helped a lot! I'm no longer bummed out when my period starts. Thinking about our lack of money also helps me stay calm. We would not even be able to afford daycare for a second child.

All of the baby toys, equipment, and clothes have been packed up and stashed in the basement. I'm giving it 5 years before we get rid of anything and call it quits. I'm not ready to give up!


All in all, infertility sucks and it never goes away. It will always be a part of our lives and our story. I hate it but I'm learning to grow from it. The love and appreciation I have for Merbaby is truly magnified because of the journey we went on to get him. Infertility really puts things into perspective and makes you realize how lucky you are to have made it through to the other side. It may have broken the bank, but was worth every single penny. I'd do it 100 times over if I knew my little guy was the result.