I Think It's Finally Over

Today I'm feeling sad.

I've been doing pretty well the past few days but today feels different.

I'm at the end of the process. There's not much going on anymore. Relief and sadness sporadically hit me like waves. It's exhausting.

The heavy bleeding started on Friday. I tried to work through it, keeping myself distracted. But I couldn't focus on anything and was constantly checking to see if I'd bled through my pants. Merman was off that day so we spent a few hours on the couch binge-watching "The OA" and snacking on my favorite treats.

There wasn't much cramping or pain. (I guess all of that happened the weekend before?) Because I felt okay, I decided to get dressed and join Merman at daycare for Merbaby's Easter party.  Taking advantage of the time off and spending it with our sweet boy was the right thing to do! It really cheered me up and helped me remember that fighting through infertility was worth it. And I can fight through this too. That afternoon, my friend (the one who found out she was pregnant the same weekend) came over with a goody bag full of my favorite things including red wine and chocolate. Her visit really lifted my spirits especially since she can relate. We were able to talk openly about what was happening and I knew that she really understood what I was going through.

The cramping never became too unbearable. It was light and sporadic. The worst part was the bleeding and tiredness. I just felt so incredibly tired and sad. I woke up around 4 AM on Saturday morning and I'm pretty sure I'd passed the embryo overnight. I know it's too small to really see that early on but what I saw gave me pause and really pulled on the heartstrings.

Saturday was the worst day of the whole process. I had to go into the fertility clinic for another HCG blood draw. That afternoon was our friend's son's 2nd birthday party. After a nice nap, we drove to the party. To be honest, it was hard to put a smile on my face and socialize. Every time I bent over or tried playing with the kids, there was a gush. I was in and out of the bathroom and felt like complete shit. But it was worth being with friends, watching Merbaby as he played, and getting to munch on some buffalo chicken dip. ;)

Merman was fantastic and took over everything that weekend. I was able to lay on the couch, nap, and take it easy. We stayed up watching more OA that night while I sipped on a little red wine (gift from my friend).

Sunday was Easter. We had a very lazy morning that involved cuddles and cartoons on the couch. Merbaby got a lot of new trucks, cars, and a bus in his Easter basket so he was content and occupied for HOURS! Then we ventured out for brunch. After another afternoon nap, my family came over. Thirty minutes before their arrival, I put on a dress, make-up, and did my hair so that we could take the typical outdoor Easter pictures. As soon as photos were taken, I was back in my yoga pants and t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail.

My mom brought over a cake that she baked for me along with some Easter treats. It was so nice having everyone there to play with and entertain Merbaby so that I could relax. We kept it simple and ordered pizza. My mom hid eggs for Merbaby to find. My sister and niece brought a race car Easter basket over and Merbaby went nuts playing with it. It was exactly what I needed and I am so appreciative to my family for being there that day.

The weekend really took it out of me though. I was beyond exhausted so I went straight to bed on Sunday evening. Merman cleaned everything up and helped get ready for the work week. He really has been so amazing through this whole ordeal.

My HCG results from Saturday came back at 27. Which means that I won't be able to have the SIS and consultation until my next cycle. Thinking of the wait really bums me out. But I'm trying to stay positive. This will give me time to recover and focus on getting my body back to a good place. I'm going back in this weekend for another blood draw. They want to see it hit 0.

Thanks to this week being National Infertility Awareness Week (impeccable timing, huh?), I've been searching through articles and videos to post on social media. In doing so, I've come across Dr. Aimee's YouTube video and learned so much!

Things I'm Doing to Improve Egg Health:
- Acai Berry Powder
I've started making smoothies for breakfast again. This ensures that I'm getting more fruits and veggies into my diet along with the Acai berry that Dr. Aimee recommends.
- Melatonin
I've started with 3 mg. a night. Even if it doesn't improve my egg quality, it's improving my sleep! It has only been 3 nights but I haven't been waking up to pee, switch positions, or stare at the clock. It's pretty amazing!

- Vitamin D
I was already taking this daily so I'm continuing to do that.

- Folate/Vitamin B12
This is something I've been doing since our transfer in 2016 so I'm continuing that, as well.

- CoQ10
I ordered this from Theralogix using the discount code from Dr. Aimee. It should arrive today and I'll start taking a pill a day. This was something I took during our IUIs and IVF cycles in 2016 so I feel comfortable doing it again.

- Healthy Eating/Exercise
I'm already a pretty healthy person. I have a history of gluten insensitivity and possible Celiac so I've been gluten-free for over 3 years now. But since I've stopped breastfeeding, I've been slacking on the healthy habits. That has to change! 1) Less sugary treats. 2) Less preservatives. I'm going to really focus on eating plant-based foods, protein, and eating fresh green vegetables. 3) Avoiding alcohol. I hardly ever drink anyways but I'm cutting it out even more. 4) Exercise. I was doing so well with exercising before this happened! I was getting 3-4 workouts in per week and feeling really good. But it completely stopped the day I found out I was pregnant. Once the bleeding stops, I'll jump back into that schedule and the routine I had going.

Future?
Merman and I spoke briefly about trying. Now that we've had the idea of a second baby dangled in front of us, we both really want it. I plan to ask my RE about trying Letrozole and doing timed cycles at home for a few months. If that doesn't work, I'm not opposed to trying medicated IUIs and/or another IVF cycle. But we would need help to pay for those options.

Merman is calling to get an updated semen analysis scheduled while we wait for my next cycle to start.

I'm still in shock and disbelief at our current situation. I never truly thought we'd get pregnant naturally. After YEARS of infertility and failed IVF cycles, I thought we'd made it out of that struggle without loss. I considered myself lucky to have never experienced that. And now here we are. It's still unreal to me. Especially now that the bleeding has almost stopped and I'm feeling normal again. Did the past few weeks really even happen?