Trudging Along

*Deep Breath*

 Let's do a bit of catching up. 

Since the miscarriage in April, so much has happened. But, no, I'm still not pregnant.

I met with my RE in May. Merman had his semen analysis. I had the SIS done. Everything came back perfect and normal. Merman already has great sperm but it actually improved since the last analysis. My SIS was clean. The RE commented that "it's almost like you have reversed ovarian aging." And this gave me hope.

Ultimately, IVF is our best chance of having another baby. My RE said she was willing to try whatever we wanted but, even with my improved numbers, I still have diminished ovarian reserve. The quickest/best way to mature these eggs and reduce the chance of miscarriage would be to do IVF with genetic testing.

June/July: We did an unmonitored Letrozole Cycle with my RE. It didn't work.

I decided to speak with my midwife to see what they could do at the OB's office as far as infertility was concerned. I thought it may be easier and cheaper to continue using Letrozole with the OB. So that's exactly what we did.

August: Monitored Letrozole Cycle. 7 follicles. WHERE DID MY FOLLICLES GO?!?! Failed.

September: Monitored Letrozole Cycle. 5 follicles. WTF?! Failed.

October: Monitored Cycle. 7 follicles. Failed. (I chose not to take the Letrozole because I didn't like the way it was making me feel. But I continued with the monitoring for data purposes).

November: Took a break from trying. I needed some mental and emotional relief from this roller coaster. HOWEVER, I ovulated pretty early (cycle day 12) and my cycle was only 26 days, which was pretty alarming.

December: Taking another break this month to focus on Merbaby and enjoy the holiday season with him. 
I just got a positive ovulation test on cycle day 11! I'm worried sick over it because my follicle count has dropped drastically in the past year. Last October (2018), my AFC was 13! And now I've only got 5?!?! My cycles are getting shorter and I'm ovulating way too early. There's no way my eggs have time to grow and mature in such a short amount of time. Before the miscarriage and Letrozole, I was ovulating on days 14-15 and having 29-30 day cycles. I'm really hoping my body is just in a funk after being on Letrozole. As I near age 35, I feel like a ticking time bomb. At any moment, my ovaries are just going to throw in the towel and retire on me. It's depressing and terrifying.

^My Ovaries^

Next Steps: What's the Plan?
Merman and I had somewhat of an "argument" one night about what our next steps are. I've really been struggling emotionally and he voiced concern. I finally spoke the words I'd been thinking aloud, "I just want to try IVF again." And that prompted the conversation about whether that was even a possibility. We're still paying off the infertility treatment from 2016 while also paying for daycare and an extra human in the household. 💙 We reworked our budget but there's absolutely no way we can afford over $15, 000 worth of treatment again. So, we started working on a plan.

First, we used Resolve's template to write a letter to Human Resources at Merman's company. We requested infertility coverage. We got an immediate response with some really awesome news! They're looking into getting coverage and will be holding a corporate meeting about it in April. While this is definitely something to celebrate, it also means that coverage won't start until January 2021. I'll be over 35 at that point. Thinking of waiting that long to do IVF makes me want to vomit.

Next, we contacted family to ask if they'd be willing to help out in anyway. My parents are in! They are going to help out as much as they can.

And alas, we have discovered Bonfire. A way to make our fundraising personal and fun! We'll be designing a few different shirts and selling them through Bonfire in hopes of raising money to put towards IVF in the spring. We've been brainstorming ideas and will likely launch sales in the next week. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as I know it's unrealistic to expect $15,000 from a t-shirt fundraiser. But it might put us one step closer to our dream.

In the meantime, I've applied for a few IVF grants. Unfortunately, we don't qualify for many because of my diagnosis and/or because we already have one child (even though it took several years and 3 IVFs to get him). But I get it!

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Having a plan makes me feel like I'm doing something. It gives me a sense of control. Control over my fertility and of our future. Taking a break was exactly what I needed and I'm in a really good place right now (aside from worrying about that follicle count).

On repetition in my brain: You will do IVF in 2020. You will get pregnant in 2020. This will work.