UNBELIEVABLE NEWS!

I am pregnant!

I can't believe this! Honestly... I've been pretty much speechless since finding out. There just aren't words to describe the complete joy, shock, and anxiety I'm feeling. It's a freaking miracle!

Here's how it happened: 

In March, I decided not to track my ovulation and just enjoy the month without worrying over my cycle/body/infertility. However, because I am so in tune with my body I can usually tell when I'm ovulating. This month, I did notice that the symptoms came on much later than usual. Typically, I ovulate between days 10-12. But this time, I didn't notice symptoms until day 14 and they were STRONG! I didn't test with an OPK stick and ignored the symptoms because I wanted a break from being consumed by my cycle. On cycle day 15, Merman and I had a little fun but I didn't even think twice about it. 

Fast forward about 9 days, Merbaby is playing in the bathroom while I'm using it (gotta love mom life) and he finds all of my old pregnancy tests. He's throwing them around the floor and having a blast playing with them. I took a funny video of it then decided to check the expiration dates to see if they needed to be thrown out. The Early Response test was due to expire in April and the box of Wondfos expire in May. I thought to myself, "I might as well pee on the Early Response test before throwing it out just to say I used it." I waited til the day my period was expected (cycle day 26), peed on it, saw the one line (negative), rolled my eyes and cursed myself for bringing back the memories of infertility, and stuck the test in my pocket to throw out. 

April 4- The next day, we left to go out of town for a long weekend at my Grandmother's. I packed tons of pads, tampons, and a brand new menstrual cup that I was excited to use. We were super busy the whole weekend but I kept running to the bathroom thinking my period had started. We arrived back home Saturday night, cycle day 29. Still no period! I knew something weird was going on because I always start around days 26 or 27. But the negative test had me thinking it was impossible. Looking back through my period tracker app confirmed my suspicions. It was odd for me to be on cycle day 29 without a period in sight. In the past year, I've only had one cycle that lasted 29 days. 

I convinced myself that the delay was from being on Spring Break and traveling. My body was off its routine and I'd probably start on Sunday. Then I reminded myself that I probably ovulated later which would make the cycle a little longer. 

Coincidentally, my best friend found out she was pregnant on Saturday. Her and her husband have been trying for a year and have had 2 miscarriages. After much convincing by me, she visited her OB and took Letrozole for her March cycle. Because of her miscarriages, her cycle was pushed back a little and matched up with mine almost perfectly. Our periods were due the same day. She told me that she tested positive and asked if I'd started my cycle yet. Then she suggested taking another test. I blew her off and went about my weekend. 

April 7- Back at home- Sunday morning (cycle day 30), we were in the grocery store and I saw a pregnant woman. She stopped and smiled at me and Merbaby. Seeing that pregnant belly sparked something in me that said, "Your period isn't coming. Just take another test." I was having absolutely zero period symptoms, which was also very bizarre. 

After cleaning up from lunch at home, I went upstairs to change for the gym and decided to just test. I pulled out 2 Wondfos and peed on them. I could barely keep my eyes off of them. The one solid line seemed to be taunting and laughing at me. I got so angry at myself for being hopeful enough to test again. Rolling my eyes, I and finished getting ready. Before walking out of the bathroom, I glanced back down at the tests and saw a second line! TWO LINES! POSITIVE?!?!?! I almost fainted. I did a double-take, a close-up look, blinked a million times. Then I just started balling and pacing. WHAT THE HELL??? How was this even possible?? I paced the bathroom for about 3 minutes debating whether or not I should run downstairs to show Merman. I really thought I was hallucinating. I decided that I just needed to leave the house quickly to process what this meant... how it was even possible. I grabbed my stuff, hugged the boys goodbye, and drove to the gym. 

Once there, I just sat in the parking lot for 5-10 minutes trying to wrap my mind around this new reality. I googled early pregnancy, searching to see if the tests were even reliable since they're so close to expiration. At that moment, I decided that I needed to go buy a Clearblue test so it will just say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant." No questions.

I don't know why, but I still went into the gym and did a 30-minute cardio workout. All the time, I was busy obsessing: downloading a pregnancy app and figuring out how far along I am, calculating the due date, searching for similar stories, etc. My head was spinning. I e-mailed my fertility clinic nurse begging to have my hcg and progesterone checked ASAP. On the way home from the gym, I grabbed a Clearblue test from the store and hid it in the bottom of the diaper bag. As luck would have it, both Merbaby and Merman were napping so I ran to the bathroom and peed on the stick. In less than a minute, it read PREGNANT. And I lost it all over again. 

I decided to tell Merman the news after Merbaby was asleep, which was SO HARD! I just wanted to shout it at him all afternoon. I found a "#1 Dad" Gift bag and wrapped the test up in it. I told him that I had a present for him and handed it over. Because I'd been out of town, he had no idea that my period was due or that I was late so this was a total shock. He saw the test and his mouth dropped open. I don't even remember what he said, but he was so happy and excited. He told me that he had just been thinking about how much he'd like for Merbaby to have a sibling. And he was going to suggest we start trying to "have fun" more often. But we never thought it was truly a possibility without treatment. We hugged a lot and talked about how the heck this was even happening. 

Since then, I've been peeing on a Wondfo every morning to see if the line is getting darker or lighter. It was a pretty faint line on Sunday but it was also the middle of the day. Each day, it has gotten a little darker and today (April 10) it is almost as dark as the control line!

Line Progression from Sunday (bottom) - Thursday (top)
And the first PREGNANT I've ever seen!

April 9- I went into the fertility clinic for a beta and progesterone test. It was surreal being back in there for an hcg blood draw!!! The results should be in today and the wait is killing me. The darker line this morning has given me more hope but I'm so terrified that my numbers will be low. 

Thoughts and Feelings: Holy shit. Seriously. I just keep thinking that over and over. HO. LY. SHIT!

I am trying to be very realistic about the chances of this pregnancy actually lasting. Women with low AMH have a very high miscarriage rate. They also have a higher possibility of genetic problems. As of today, I'm 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So we're in for quite a wait. Wait to get the beta results. Wait to see if they double. Wait for the viability ultrasound. Wait to get in at the OB. Wait for genetic screening at week 12. Wait for the anatomy scan at week 20. Wait to make it to week 24, viability. Wait. Wait. Wait...

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. From the second I saw that test, I told myself a miscarriage was very likely and to be prepared. BUT I'm hoping so very much that this is just one of those unexplained, miracle stories. I'm constantly praying and begging for this little embryo to make it into the world as a fully functioning, healthy human being. 

I'm also trying to focus on the positive: I can get pregnant! For the first time, I conceived naturally. I was able to experience the surprise of a period not ever coming. I got to cry upon seeing a positive test. I got to surprise my husband with news that I'm pregnant. These are things I longed for for so many years. Even if this pregnancy doesn't last, I was able to experience the normalcy of finding out I'm naturally pregnant. Nothing can take that away. 

UPDATE: Thursday, APRIL 11
A nurse e-mailed my results last night and I'm not extremely happy with them.
HCG- 156
progesterone- 14.7

They like to see progesterone above 15 so they're putting me on vaginal suppositories (yuck).

While my HCG is positive, it's not very high and that worries me. My blood was drawn at 4 weeks, 4 days pregnant. With Merbaby, my HCG was 795 at 4+4. That's a big difference.

I got the e-mail in the midst of Merbaby's bath and bedtime routine. It really threw me for a loop so I tried to focus in on him and how happy he makes me. I held it together pretty well until it was time to rock him. I started crying as I rocked and cuddled my sweet little boy. I'm so afraid of what's to come. I really don't want this to be a miscarriage. I've always been an outsider when it comes to experiencing miscarriage and I feel extremely fortunate for that. Even with my diagnosis and years of infertility, I've never had to experience a miscarriage. It's not a club I want to be a part of.

After getting him to sleep, I went to our bedroom to sulk and call the pharmacy. Apparently this type of progesterone isn't very common so they had to order it. It should be in today.

The nurse that e-mailed me said that she scheduled me for an 8AM blood draw the following morning so we can see if the hcg doubles and to have my TSH checked. But this was a huge problem because I didn't get the e-mail til 7 PM. Being a teacher means jumping through flaming hoops to arrange time off, even it is just coming in a little late one day. We're in the midst of state-wide standardized testing and it really messes things up when a "testgiver" is out. I gave the assistant principal a call to discuss me missing testing. I thought I was okay until she answered the phone and I lost control! I was not expecting to cry at all! Through tears, I muttered something about needing to get a blood test done because we were doing some fertility stuff and it wasn't going well. Instantly, she told me to take the day and she would cover testing. I wasn't ready to tell her exactly what was going on and she didn't ask. Thank goodness! She did say, "Oh honey! I didn't realize you all were doing that again." Instant guilt. I hung up with her and just cried!

I finally walked downstairs to Merman to cry some more. He didn't understand why I was so upset and it was very encouraging to speak with him. He reminded me over and over that we weren't out of the game yet. I got onto Reddit and reached out for support. Those infertile ladies pulled through! Many sent stories of successful pregnancies with low betas. I even heard from a woman who had a successful spontaneous pregnancy with low AMH and low progesterone. So I'm clinging on to that little bit of hope again.

Unfortunately, they scheduled my second blood-draw at the main location which is an hour drive in morning traffic. I left my house before 7 and pulled into the parking lot 5 minutes before 8. I started to tear up a few times in the waiting room. Just being back there and seeing all the women in the waiting room pulled at my heartstrings. My doctor walked through in her scrubs, which means today is her egg retrieval and transfer day (meaning she does the procedures). I thought to myself, "Some woman is back there right now preparing for a retrieval and hoping for that miracle baby." And I had to fight the tears away.

After the blood draw, I went to the bathroom and it triggered me. It was the same bathroom I'd used so many times prior to retrieval and other appointments. So I sat on that toilet and cried some more. Why is infertility so mean and unfair?

I'm still holding on to hope and hoping for a miracle. I want this baby so bad!

Results will be in tomorrow so I've got another 24+ hours to wait. Hoping for HCG of 312 or higher!

Also, Mr. Merman grabbed the progesterone tonight and we started injections. I e-mailed the nurse and opted to do injections instead of suppositories. Ewww!

Here we go again!

April 12 Update

I thought I was doing okay for the first part of the day. Keeping busy teaching, helping throw a surprise celebration with some colleagues, and just working hard to distract myself.

During the morning standardized testing, I looked up and noticed a motivational poster on the teacher's wall. It really struck a chord with me and I had to fight back the tears. I ended up repeating it to myself all throughout the day.

As the end of the day neared, I could feel myself getting really anxious. I was in the bathroom and started having what I think was a panic attack. I couldn't breath and felt sweaty. It felt like my head was spinning and I had no control. I had to take deep breaths, count to 10, and remind myself that this is out of my control. After a few minutes, I ran back to my office, turned on YouTube and started playing Candy Crush to distract myself. It took about 20 minutes but I finally started to feel okay. Needless to say, not a lot of work got done. I felt like screaming and running, but where to? And why? Looking back, I think the hardest part of this is not having control and the long wait for results just amplified those feelings. 

On the way to pick Merbaby up from daycare, the clinic e-mailed my results. My beta TRIPLED!!

HCG- 490

TSH- normal 

I was elated and relieved. I cried all the way to daycare and texted Merman. I was on cloud nine the rest of that night. The nurse told me to come back on Monday for a 3rd beta. I called my supervisor and arrangements were made. 

4/13- Saturday was a really good day, at first. Merbaby and I tried a new indoor playplace. We had a blast and totally wore each other out. I was beyond exhausted so I tried to take it easy the rest of the day. My back was hurting from all the playing and climbing. And I needed a nap but Merbaby wasn't having it with naptime. :( 

We decided to hit up Waffle House for dinner. It was at Waffle House that we made the decision to tell our parents what was going on. We will let them know how early in the pregnancy it is and explain that anything can go wrong. I've been dying to tell my mom and we could really use the support so that was that. Decision made. We'd tell them that night. 

While there, I started to feel pretty bad. By the time we got home, I thought I was having diarrhea pains but nothing was happening when I went to the bathroom. My back pain had gotten much worse. I was feeling a bit nauseous and extremely tired. I sucked it up to overdoing it at the playplace and continued on with the night. 

We Facetimed both parents with the news and both were in shock and elated! I washed my hair, did some cleaning, etc. Just before bed, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was pink blood on the toilet paper. I panicked and wiped again. And again. Still there! I tried to be rational and convince myself that spotting is very common. Next, I attempted to dry my hair but couldn't because I felt so bad and was scared shitless. Mr. Merman came in and I told him what was going on. He helped me get set up in bed with the hospital pad (to catch blood), heating pad for my back, and water. We laid there in silence for a while before deciding to call it a night. I was starting to cramp and the nausea was getting worse. I just knew it was a miscarriage.