Egg Retrieval. Fert. Report. My Mood.

It has been really hard for me to get around to writing this post. Just now, I took a big deep breath and just decided to dive in. So, here we go...

Final Trigger Shot
As you know, I had to give myself 3 trigger shots. 1 HCG (Novarel) and 2 Lupron (leuprolide acetate). I gave the last trigger shot to myself on Friday. At work. Hiding in my office. I took a video of it but am not sure if I'm ready to post it. My belly is so bloated! It's not pretty. The first Lupron shot was terrible. It started itching all over my stomach and a big red welp came up. But, the second one was easy cheesy. There was no itching, no welp, nothing. So strange how that happened. Afterward, I hid the syringe and medicine bottle back in my purse to dispose of at home. I can only imagine what the custodians would assume if they saw this in my trash can.

Final Trigger Shot at Work!

Egg Retrieval
The Night Before
We were scheduled for 9:15 AM on Saturday morning. No food or drink after midnight. No jewelry, make-up, valuables, eat lots of protein the night before, etc. Standard surgery procedure. We went out for BBQ on Friday night so that I could eat all the chicken and beans. I ate more than my fair share, as I knew it'd be 12+ hours before I could eat again. We ran by the store on the way home to get Gatorade, salty foods, and soft foods. (Gatorade + salty foods help with OHSS. We were told only soft foods after the procedure).

Morning Of
We woke up around 7 on Saturday and I WAS STARVING! Not being able to eat or drink is pure torture. I think my husband was nervous because he flew down the interstate driving to the doctor's office. Good thing there weren't any cops or we would have definitely been pulled over. We made it there at least 45 minutes early. I was nervous and anxious. That along with the beans from the night before weren't doing great things for my digestive system. I tried using the bathroom before going in but was unsuccessful. We kept joking about the poor doctor who would be "down there" the morning after a bean-filled dinner. (Sorry, Doc).

Procedural Prep
For those of you that don't know, it's a pretty laid-back process. My husband and I are taken back to a room to prep. They ask all the questions: Anything to eat or drink since midnight? Allergies? Confirm your trigger shots? Family History? Issues with anesthesia? No jewelry? etc. I changed into a hospital gown, put on the fancy gripper socks (which I secretly love), and wrapped my hair up in the shower cap. The nurse put the IV in, took my blood pressure, then went over what would be happening throughout the entire procedure. Do we have questions? Nope. Been here. Done this.

Then, the doctor comes back to introduce himself and ask if we have questions. Nope.

Lastly, the anesthesiologist comes back to go over all of the same stuff the nurse asked us about. This is the fun part! In the past, I've had two bunionactomies. During one of them, I woke up. I could feel them cutting my foot and heard all of the conversation going on around me. I knew I did't want to be awake and was so confused. I did everything I could to get their attention. It worked and they put me back under. All of this to say, I'm freaking terrified of waking up during surgery again. Because of this, I got a special "morning margarita" as the anesthesiologist likes to call it.They put some special meds into my IV to help me calm down and ensure that I didn't wake up during the procedure. Within seconds of having it injected, I could feel it. All I remember is laughing and my husband asking, "What's so funny?" Nothing was funny. I was just feeling reeeeeeeeeaaally goooooood!



Operating Room
 The nurse carried my saline pouch as I walked back to the operating room. I climbed up on the operating bed/table/chair thingy myself. The nurse threw a blanket over me while another nurse helped me get my legs up into the stirrups. By the way, this is nothing like being at the GYN for a pap smear. These are serious leg holders they've got going on. I was totally exposed. There were so many people in the room, too! There was a door to the embryology lab. Two men were standing in that doorway. There were 2 nurses, 1 anesthesiologist, and some other woman I'm unsure of, and a doctor. As I'm lying there, I mention that I didn't remember any of this from my first egg retrieval. The nurse says that I probably won't remember it this time either... at which point I told myself, "Oh, yes, I will!" (and I did). The anesthesiologist tells me that he's going to slowly begin the anesthesia but won't put me under until "go time." The embryologist comes to ask questions and confirm my identity.
Just imagine, at this point, I've had my "morning margarita," nothing to eat or drink in 11 hours, and have anesthesia flowing through my veins. Not the best time to be answering questions. He asks my name, birthday, husband's name, husband's birthday. Luckily, I was able to answer all the questions but struggled on that last one. He was kind of giggling about it and told me that I did a great job answering the hardest question. That's the last thing I remember.

Also, this is when the hubs goes to a small room to deposit his share of the trade into a cup. His one and only job. ;)

This isn't the actual room. It's just a picture I found in a Google search.
See those blue things? THAT is what they put my legs in. 

After Surgery
I woke up in the recovery room. They told me that they didn't have the egg count yet. My husband was in the waiting room and would be with me shortly. They gave me some juice- YES!!! Something to drink!!! The best thing about the recovery room is the heated bag of water? Saline? Honestly, I don't know what's in there but it feels so very good on my ovarian region.

The doctor came over to talk to me and my husband. He told us that they retrieved 7 eggs. This is 3 more eggs than last time, but still pretty devastating considering we had 12 follicles. I was hoping for at least 10 eggs. The doctor seemed defeated and confused. He told me that he just didn't understand why there were empty follicles letting us know that he "dug around in there until the follicles started bleeding, trying to get more eggs." I replied with something about, "Well, that's my diagnosis. DOR. No eggs." I was still pretty groggy at this point but I remember him saying something like, "But, this has nothing to do with your diagnosis. You have empty follicles. That's not because of your DOR. There is something else going on with your ovaries and I don't know what it is."

At this point, I was just ready to go home. But, looking back, I think this conversation is what triggered my sadness. I really like this doctor and appreciate that he is just as frustrated as I am. He kept digging around, refusing to give up. However, the conversation about my empty follicles having nothing to do with DOR kills me. Looking back on this conversation is what initially caused my mood to take a dark turn.

Home Recovery
I spent the majority of the day in bed sleeping with the heating pad on my lower belly. I tried to read, tried to watch TV, tried to play with the dog. But, I was unsuccessful. My eyes just wouldn't stay open. The Mr. picked up a special order of scrambled eggs at Waffle House. They were the best eggs I'd ever had. YUMMY! Finally, around 6 PM, I started feeling like I could stay up. I read a lot while my poor husband ran all over town trying to feed my cravings. He picked up supplies for a shower we had the next day, got Doritos, and ordered pizza for pick-up. Yep. That's right. I ate Doritos and pizza for dinner and it was AMAZING! I made my way down to the living room and we rented a movie. Shortly after that, I was back in bed, sleeping hard.

Fertilization Report
The embryologist called around 11 the next morning (Sunday) with the fertilization report. I was hoping we'd get at least 4-5 embryos. Last time, we retrieved 4 eggs. 2 mature. 2 fertilized. I thought (for sure) we'd get more embryos this time because we were starting with 7 eggs. Anxiety was running through my veins. My heart was beating out of my chest. Unfortunately. this caused me to forget some of the conversation. I don't remember how many mature eggs he reported.  But, I do remember when he told me that only 3 of our eggs fertilized. And my mood took another dark turn.

Three.

We have three embryos... just one more than last time.

My heart sank.

I hung up the phone and told my husband the news. He asked what I was thinking/feeling. I said, "It's one more than last time. I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm going to expect the worst and hope for at least one."

But, it hit quickly after that. The depression. The devastation. My reality. It hit hard. I kept crying and then making myself stop. Finally, my husband came downstairs and started hugging me. That's when I finally let the tears flow. They continued to flow for a good hour or so after that.

All the while I'm going back and forth in my brain:
"3 is the lucky number. Maybe that 3rd one will be it."
"It's okay. We'll do egg donation. You still get to have your baby."
"I'll never have a biological child."
"Could we afford to try just one more time?"
"I don't want to do this anymore."
"I'll never be a mom."
"Maybe this one will work."
"They will call with bad news on Friday. You will be ready cause you're expecting it."
"Will my husband leave me because I can't give him a baby?" (I know he won't. But, it's an honest thought).
"What will we tell our child about coming from an egg donor?"
"How long will it take until we are able to afford egg donation?"
"I guess it's time to come out to everyone. I'm infertile. Sorry you won't get a biological grandchild, niece/nephew, etc."
"Why me? Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this?"
"But, maybe one will make it to blast. But then we still have to do genetic testing... and then the transfer, which might not take. What if it doesn't stick? What if I miscarry?"
"Should we just adopt?"
"When will we ever have the money to afford anything beyond this?"
"Will I ever get to move on from this? Will it always cause heartache and depression?"

And so on...

We will get the call on Friday to let us know if our embryos survived to day 5 aka "made it to blast."
If so, they will biopsy and freeze while we wait on genetic testing (PGD).
If not, well, I guess we're done for a while. We want to do egg donation but it costs $17, 500. And, that's money we don't have after going through 2 1/2 rounds of IVF.

Found this image online. Today is Day 3. PLEASE let my embryos look like this one!

Surviving Embryo Hunger Games
I've cried off and on since Sunday. It hits me at random times and I allow it to come out. I'm trying to stay busy. Thank goodness for work. Yesterday (after work), I washed my hair (this is a long ordeal since my hair is so freaking thick), went to the grocery store, gave myself a pedicure, and cooked lunch for the week. Today, we have a staff meeting then I'm going to take care of my friend's dog. I'll cook dinner tonight, run by the store, try to clean the bathroom... anything to keep me busy.

All I want to do is eat. Maybe it's my way of coping? I've gained 10+ pounds this year with all of the infertility meds and treatment. I am the heaviest I've ever been. I am naturally a skinny person. Others would probably say I'm too skinny so gaining weight isn't terrible. But, I feel terrible. I can't button my pants. I can't even pull some of them up. I've worn a dress/skirt to work everyday for the past 7 days. It's miserable. Eating tons of junk food is the last thing I should be doing right now but it makes me happy. So, I'm allowing myself to indulge until we get the report on Friday. After that, I'll move forward with exercise and healthy eating to prep for an embryo transfer or to help myself move on from the bad news.

Until Friday... pray, cross your fingers, hope, do whatever you can to encourage those embryos to survive. I just want one...

When you're depressed, trying to wait out the inevitable, and your
 husband brings you gelato, YOU EAT IT ALL!

Update/Edit: I made a compromise. I won't post the final trigger shot video here but I will share the YouTube link. View if you please.
Trigger Shot Video