Two Precious Embryos

I cannot believe it. I don't think my brain has fully processed this reality. I cannot believe it!

WE HAVE 2 FROZEN EMBRYOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had fully prepared myself for the worst news. I was already thinking ahead as to how I would move on and continue to live a happy life without biological children. What conversations would my husband and I be having once it was confirmed that I could not have a biological child? But, now, I am able to put those thoughts aside just a little bit longer because we actually have something to show from this final round of IVF. (These are still very realistic possibilities but I'm allowing myself to enjoy the first bit of good news we've had since January).

Getting the Good News
I managed to keep myself really busy all week and time moved pretty quickly. Thursday night was tough. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I got. At times, I had to slow down and breath before freaking myself out with all the thoughts I had bouncing around in my head. My husband was great that night! He reminded me that no matter what news we got, it would be a good day because we would know. The IVF game would be over and I could stop putting my body through so much. I didn't sleep well at all that night... but that might be more of the dog's fault. (We're watching my parents' dog while they're on vacation and he's not familiar with the sounds of our house. Needless to say, he was up barking at every noise he heard, all throughout the night. Talk about a great way to get sleep when you're experiencing extreme anxiety).

I decided that I did not want to get the news at work (like last time). So, when I got to work at 7 that morning, I turned my phone off and put it in my purse. I put my purse in my desk drawer and forgot about it. Luckily, it was an extremely busy day finalizing my schedule, organizing and completing files and paperwork, getting schedules and lessons plans from the teachers I'll be working with, etc. I stayed so busy I almost forgot to eat lunch. It was perfect because I barely had time to think about the call.

My drive home is about 30 minutes long. I left work at 2:40 on the dot. Who am I kidding? I practically ran out of there once the clock hit official "you're off" time!

Me leaving work. Except, I kept my clothes on. :) 

I usually listen to a podcast on my phone or "talk text" with friends during my afternoon commute. So, the inner-debate got pretty heated during that drive:

"What if they need you to call back before 4? You need to check now."
"I can cry and drive. It's totally normal."
"Just turn the phone on and get the podcast going. Ignore the missed calls and voicemail."
"What if I see 2 calls and one is from the doctor herself? Then I'll know it's bad news and I'm not ready for that."
"But she could be congratulating you."
"Breathe... you're fine.Waiting isn't going to change the outcome. It's already done."

Eventually, I decided that I'd wait til I got home, took the dogs out, and got in a comfy place. I turned the radio up and enjoyed the rest of my commute singing along in ignorant bliss.

Once home and sitting in my comfy place, I turned my phone on. I had two voice mails. One was the clinic's number and one was unknown. I decided to listen to them based on who called first. So, the first voicemail was someone from the IVF lab. There was something in the way she greeted me, I automatically knew it was going to be good news. I busted into tears immediately.

"Hey, Miss Mermaid! I'm calling from the IVF lab with an update. Today is day 6, which is the final day of culture and wanted to let you know that we were able to biopsy and freeze 2 of the 3 embryos."

For some reason, I started walking upstairs while I was listening to the message. I ended up in our office, in the floor. I was laughing and crying all at the same time. Who knew I was capable of making so many weird noises and faces? I think I listened to the message 3 times before actually believing it. Then, I just sat there and cried tears of disbelief and joy. I texted my husband immediately, "BABE! We have 2 embryos!!!!!!!!!"

I finally calmed down enough to listen to the next message. It was from the genetics lab. They called to let me know they would be receiving the biopsy from my embryos on Tuesday and needed the consent forms and payment information. I purposely didn't fax this paperwork over ahead of time because I didn't want to jinx it. We never made it to this point during our other IVF cycles and I was afraid that if I sent in paperwork, it would be giving in to hope (which has done nothing but disappoint me so far). I pulled myself together, grabbed the paperwork, and rushed off to Staples to fax it over before their office closed. I probably cried a total of 10 times during that trip. Every time I thought about our 2 embryos, I busted out a laughing cry.

Unfortunately, my husband is out of town this weekend for a bachelor party. We knew I'd be getting the news alone but didn't want to cancel his plans. Infertility ruins enough of life's plans. He'd already missed out on seeing his best friend the weekend before because he was taking care of me after the egg retrieval. They haven't hung out in over a year so I felt pretty bad about that. This is when my best friend came to the rescue. I texted her on Monday to let her know that I was going to need some kind of emotional support Friday night and didn't want to be alone. She's the best! Without a second thought, she cancelled her date and said she'd be there. Our plans were purposely unplanned as we didn't know if it would be a night of celebration or a night of distraction. She was the second person I texted, "It's going to be a night of celebration! We have two embryos!!!" I think she was just as shocked as I was.

She drove straight over from work hugged me as soon as she walked in the door and wanted to hear all about it. I popped open a bottle of wine and hashed out all of the details. We went out for dinner and margaritas then hit up a local bar. It was exactly what I needed. A night to just be happy and remember what life is like without constant worry and anxiety. We talked about anything and everything. It was perfect!

My husband is so excited. I can't wait til he gets home so we can celebrate together. I just want to jump in his arms and cry more happy tears.

What Next?
The genetic lab will run tests on our biopsies this Tuesday. It will take 7-10 business days to get the results. My clinic will call as soon as they get the report to let us know the results. Then, we will meet with our RE to go over the next steps and further discuss the growth of our embryos.

There is a big possibility that these embryos are abnormal. My eggs aren't the best quality and I know that. That's why we decided to have the genetic testing done. If they do come back abnormal, we'll be back to trying to figure out our next step toward becoming parents without any help from my ovaries.

But, right now, I'm enjoying this good news. This is the closest we've ever come to having a baby. After years of periods showing up every month, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, a lot of bad news, failed IUIs and IVFs, we have made it one step further. One step closer to becoming parents. I just want to enjoy this. FINALLY, something good. All I can do is think about those embryos. I'm trying not to get too hopeful and excited. There is so much that can go wrong with the genetic testing, frozen embryo transfer, pregnancy, etc. But, as for now, we have two precious embryos and I love them so much. Hope and positive thoughts are allowed to stick around just a few days longer. This may be as good as it gets... but hopefully it'll get better.

Day 5 Blastocyst
Our little embryos look something like this. 

Egg Retrieval. Fert. Report. My Mood.

It has been really hard for me to get around to writing this post. Just now, I took a big deep breath and just decided to dive in. So, here we go...

Final Trigger Shot
As you know, I had to give myself 3 trigger shots. 1 HCG (Novarel) and 2 Lupron (leuprolide acetate). I gave the last trigger shot to myself on Friday. At work. Hiding in my office. I took a video of it but am not sure if I'm ready to post it. My belly is so bloated! It's not pretty. The first Lupron shot was terrible. It started itching all over my stomach and a big red welp came up. But, the second one was easy cheesy. There was no itching, no welp, nothing. So strange how that happened. Afterward, I hid the syringe and medicine bottle back in my purse to dispose of at home. I can only imagine what the custodians would assume if they saw this in my trash can.

Final Trigger Shot at Work!

Egg Retrieval
The Night Before
We were scheduled for 9:15 AM on Saturday morning. No food or drink after midnight. No jewelry, make-up, valuables, eat lots of protein the night before, etc. Standard surgery procedure. We went out for BBQ on Friday night so that I could eat all the chicken and beans. I ate more than my fair share, as I knew it'd be 12+ hours before I could eat again. We ran by the store on the way home to get Gatorade, salty foods, and soft foods. (Gatorade + salty foods help with OHSS. We were told only soft foods after the procedure).

Morning Of
We woke up around 7 on Saturday and I WAS STARVING! Not being able to eat or drink is pure torture. I think my husband was nervous because he flew down the interstate driving to the doctor's office. Good thing there weren't any cops or we would have definitely been pulled over. We made it there at least 45 minutes early. I was nervous and anxious. That along with the beans from the night before weren't doing great things for my digestive system. I tried using the bathroom before going in but was unsuccessful. We kept joking about the poor doctor who would be "down there" the morning after a bean-filled dinner. (Sorry, Doc).

Procedural Prep
For those of you that don't know, it's a pretty laid-back process. My husband and I are taken back to a room to prep. They ask all the questions: Anything to eat or drink since midnight? Allergies? Confirm your trigger shots? Family History? Issues with anesthesia? No jewelry? etc. I changed into a hospital gown, put on the fancy gripper socks (which I secretly love), and wrapped my hair up in the shower cap. The nurse put the IV in, took my blood pressure, then went over what would be happening throughout the entire procedure. Do we have questions? Nope. Been here. Done this.

Then, the doctor comes back to introduce himself and ask if we have questions. Nope.

Lastly, the anesthesiologist comes back to go over all of the same stuff the nurse asked us about. This is the fun part! In the past, I've had two bunionactomies. During one of them, I woke up. I could feel them cutting my foot and heard all of the conversation going on around me. I knew I did't want to be awake and was so confused. I did everything I could to get their attention. It worked and they put me back under. All of this to say, I'm freaking terrified of waking up during surgery again. Because of this, I got a special "morning margarita" as the anesthesiologist likes to call it.They put some special meds into my IV to help me calm down and ensure that I didn't wake up during the procedure. Within seconds of having it injected, I could feel it. All I remember is laughing and my husband asking, "What's so funny?" Nothing was funny. I was just feeling reeeeeeeeeaaally goooooood!



Operating Room
 The nurse carried my saline pouch as I walked back to the operating room. I climbed up on the operating bed/table/chair thingy myself. The nurse threw a blanket over me while another nurse helped me get my legs up into the stirrups. By the way, this is nothing like being at the GYN for a pap smear. These are serious leg holders they've got going on. I was totally exposed. There were so many people in the room, too! There was a door to the embryology lab. Two men were standing in that doorway. There were 2 nurses, 1 anesthesiologist, and some other woman I'm unsure of, and a doctor. As I'm lying there, I mention that I didn't remember any of this from my first egg retrieval. The nurse says that I probably won't remember it this time either... at which point I told myself, "Oh, yes, I will!" (and I did). The anesthesiologist tells me that he's going to slowly begin the anesthesia but won't put me under until "go time." The embryologist comes to ask questions and confirm my identity.
Just imagine, at this point, I've had my "morning margarita," nothing to eat or drink in 11 hours, and have anesthesia flowing through my veins. Not the best time to be answering questions. He asks my name, birthday, husband's name, husband's birthday. Luckily, I was able to answer all the questions but struggled on that last one. He was kind of giggling about it and told me that I did a great job answering the hardest question. That's the last thing I remember.

Also, this is when the hubs goes to a small room to deposit his share of the trade into a cup. His one and only job. ;)

This isn't the actual room. It's just a picture I found in a Google search.
See those blue things? THAT is what they put my legs in. 

After Surgery
I woke up in the recovery room. They told me that they didn't have the egg count yet. My husband was in the waiting room and would be with me shortly. They gave me some juice- YES!!! Something to drink!!! The best thing about the recovery room is the heated bag of water? Saline? Honestly, I don't know what's in there but it feels so very good on my ovarian region.

The doctor came over to talk to me and my husband. He told us that they retrieved 7 eggs. This is 3 more eggs than last time, but still pretty devastating considering we had 12 follicles. I was hoping for at least 10 eggs. The doctor seemed defeated and confused. He told me that he just didn't understand why there were empty follicles letting us know that he "dug around in there until the follicles started bleeding, trying to get more eggs." I replied with something about, "Well, that's my diagnosis. DOR. No eggs." I was still pretty groggy at this point but I remember him saying something like, "But, this has nothing to do with your diagnosis. You have empty follicles. That's not because of your DOR. There is something else going on with your ovaries and I don't know what it is."

At this point, I was just ready to go home. But, looking back, I think this conversation is what triggered my sadness. I really like this doctor and appreciate that he is just as frustrated as I am. He kept digging around, refusing to give up. However, the conversation about my empty follicles having nothing to do with DOR kills me. Looking back on this conversation is what initially caused my mood to take a dark turn.

Home Recovery
I spent the majority of the day in bed sleeping with the heating pad on my lower belly. I tried to read, tried to watch TV, tried to play with the dog. But, I was unsuccessful. My eyes just wouldn't stay open. The Mr. picked up a special order of scrambled eggs at Waffle House. They were the best eggs I'd ever had. YUMMY! Finally, around 6 PM, I started feeling like I could stay up. I read a lot while my poor husband ran all over town trying to feed my cravings. He picked up supplies for a shower we had the next day, got Doritos, and ordered pizza for pick-up. Yep. That's right. I ate Doritos and pizza for dinner and it was AMAZING! I made my way down to the living room and we rented a movie. Shortly after that, I was back in bed, sleeping hard.

Fertilization Report
The embryologist called around 11 the next morning (Sunday) with the fertilization report. I was hoping we'd get at least 4-5 embryos. Last time, we retrieved 4 eggs. 2 mature. 2 fertilized. I thought (for sure) we'd get more embryos this time because we were starting with 7 eggs. Anxiety was running through my veins. My heart was beating out of my chest. Unfortunately. this caused me to forget some of the conversation. I don't remember how many mature eggs he reported.  But, I do remember when he told me that only 3 of our eggs fertilized. And my mood took another dark turn.

Three.

We have three embryos... just one more than last time.

My heart sank.

I hung up the phone and told my husband the news. He asked what I was thinking/feeling. I said, "It's one more than last time. I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm going to expect the worst and hope for at least one."

But, it hit quickly after that. The depression. The devastation. My reality. It hit hard. I kept crying and then making myself stop. Finally, my husband came downstairs and started hugging me. That's when I finally let the tears flow. They continued to flow for a good hour or so after that.

All the while I'm going back and forth in my brain:
"3 is the lucky number. Maybe that 3rd one will be it."
"It's okay. We'll do egg donation. You still get to have your baby."
"I'll never have a biological child."
"Could we afford to try just one more time?"
"I don't want to do this anymore."
"I'll never be a mom."
"Maybe this one will work."
"They will call with bad news on Friday. You will be ready cause you're expecting it."
"Will my husband leave me because I can't give him a baby?" (I know he won't. But, it's an honest thought).
"What will we tell our child about coming from an egg donor?"
"How long will it take until we are able to afford egg donation?"
"I guess it's time to come out to everyone. I'm infertile. Sorry you won't get a biological grandchild, niece/nephew, etc."
"Why me? Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this?"
"But, maybe one will make it to blast. But then we still have to do genetic testing... and then the transfer, which might not take. What if it doesn't stick? What if I miscarry?"
"Should we just adopt?"
"When will we ever have the money to afford anything beyond this?"
"Will I ever get to move on from this? Will it always cause heartache and depression?"

And so on...

We will get the call on Friday to let us know if our embryos survived to day 5 aka "made it to blast."
If so, they will biopsy and freeze while we wait on genetic testing (PGD).
If not, well, I guess we're done for a while. We want to do egg donation but it costs $17, 500. And, that's money we don't have after going through 2 1/2 rounds of IVF.

Found this image online. Today is Day 3. PLEASE let my embryos look like this one!

Surviving Embryo Hunger Games
I've cried off and on since Sunday. It hits me at random times and I allow it to come out. I'm trying to stay busy. Thank goodness for work. Yesterday (after work), I washed my hair (this is a long ordeal since my hair is so freaking thick), went to the grocery store, gave myself a pedicure, and cooked lunch for the week. Today, we have a staff meeting then I'm going to take care of my friend's dog. I'll cook dinner tonight, run by the store, try to clean the bathroom... anything to keep me busy.

All I want to do is eat. Maybe it's my way of coping? I've gained 10+ pounds this year with all of the infertility meds and treatment. I am the heaviest I've ever been. I am naturally a skinny person. Others would probably say I'm too skinny so gaining weight isn't terrible. But, I feel terrible. I can't button my pants. I can't even pull some of them up. I've worn a dress/skirt to work everyday for the past 7 days. It's miserable. Eating tons of junk food is the last thing I should be doing right now but it makes me happy. So, I'm allowing myself to indulge until we get the report on Friday. After that, I'll move forward with exercise and healthy eating to prep for an embryo transfer or to help myself move on from the bad news.

Until Friday... pray, cross your fingers, hope, do whatever you can to encourage those embryos to survive. I just want one...

When you're depressed, trying to wait out the inevitable, and your
 husband brings you gelato, YOU EAT IT ALL!

Update/Edit: I made a compromise. I won't post the final trigger shot video here but I will share the YouTube link. View if you please.
Trigger Shot Video

Triggers

It's almost time! I just gave myself the first of 3 trigger shots and Saturday is Egg Retrieval Day. I can't believe it's already (almost) here!

A Week of Monitoring Appointments
I thought I would love having an excuse to sleep in a little and get to work later than usual for a whole week. But, I'm hating it! I've had an appointment every morning this week (except Tuesday). I'm leaving later than usual which puts me in traffic. For all of you people who do traffic everyday, I understand why you need lots of vodka. If I wasn't so broke from IVF, I'd buy you a bottle myself. I don't know how you do it! We live 15 minutes from the RE office but it takes me at least an hour to get there every morning. By the time I sit in traffic, have my appointment, and drive 30 more minutes to work, I'm exhausted!

Wednesday's Appointment:  My doctor did the ultrasound. I couldn't keep track of the follicle count but she seemed very pleased. My estrogen was at 1349 and progesterone was 0.3. I was instructed to do another night of stims and come back tomorrow. That's when she told me that we would probably do our retrieval on Saturday.

Today's Appointment: The same doctor from Monday did today's appointment. I really like him. He is so thorough with the ultrasounds and makes sure to get each and every follicle measured. I was trying to keep track of the count today. I think there are 12 but I'm not 100%. After the ultrasound, he asked the nurse to look back at my last IVF cycle so that he could compare. He commented on how different this cycle was progressing than the last. His biggest concern was that I get mature eggs this time and thought it may be a good idea to do one last day of stims, depending on my progesterone level. That's when he told me that he'd be the one doing the retrieval this weekend. YAY! I know he'll be thorough and work hard to get every single egg from every single follicle. I'm feeling so great about this one. (Yikes. I can't believe I just typed that. Where is this hope coming from?) The nurse called this afternoon. My estrogen is at 2055. Progesterone was up to 0.8. Which means.... TRIGGER TODAY, RETRIEVAL SATURDAY!  

The last night of injections before Egg Retrieval
(left to right: Novarel HCG, Lupron Trigger Kit, Omnitrope)

Tonight's Protocol:
9:30 PM - Continue Omnitrope Growth Hormone Injection
                 Continue Dexamethasone (oral tablet)

11:00 PM- Give trigger shot- Novarel HCG injection (This is the pregnancy hormone)

12:00 AM- Give first Lupron Kit injection

Tomorrow at noon I will give myself the second Lupron Kit injection. And then I'm done with Stims forever!

So, it's 11:30 PM on a school night and I'm barely staying awake. Waiting for midnight isn't easy. I've already given myself the Novarel injection and am so ready to give the Lupron and go to sleep! If I were to take a pregnancy test tomorrow morning, it would be positive because I just filled my body with the HCG hormone. Sometimes, I think I should pee on a stick after a trigger shot, just so I can experience seeing two lines for once in my life.

Mixing the Novarel trigger shot with a massive syringe

All that mixing and I only use 1 tiny mL

Tomorrow's Appointment: 
My pre-op is at 8:30 in the morning, where they will do more bloodwork. I'll get all of the information for Saturday's egg retrieval. The only thing I'm nervous about it getting OHSS. It's not really common but my estrogen levels are going up quickly and are getting really high. I was told that I was at risk last time when I had a much lower response to the meds than I do now. Other than that, I'm ready to get this show on the road!

Work, Work, Work
I'm getting a little behind at work. I was given a deadline (tomorrow) for screening students and getting letters sent home to parents. Ha. These appointments have made that nearly impossibly. Luckily, I have an awesome team who is helping pull the weight... and they have no idea why. I just hope I can get at least half of the letters finished and sent home tomorrow.

One of the most difficult things about having these daily appointments is that people get curious. One coworker made a comment when I walked in today, "Sure. Just arrive whenever you feel like it. It's a 'get here when you can type of job'." I know that she was joking but wonder if she's letting out some really feelings. The art teacher at my school was actually my art teacher when I was in elementary school. So, we go way back and I love her to pieces. We have breakfast duty together on M/W/F. I've had someone filling in for me since I've been at the doctor every morning. Today, she stopped me in the hallway saying, "I've noticed you've been gone every morning. Are you working on something important?" She had the huge, knowing smile on her face. I never know how to respond to people and get pretty awkward when they ask about anything infertility/baby related. I think I said, "Yep. Been pretty busy." She responds, "Oh good. I just knew it. I am so happy for you. That's so good." What in the world is she thinking?!?!?! Does she know?! Does she think I'm pregnant?

One last little note about work and infertility. I was pulled to sub in 3rd grade today. Sometimes sub positions don't fill so the support staff get pulled in to help out. A little girl notices my ring, exclaiming with awe "You're married??!?!!?" I answer yes. I bet you can't guess what questions came next... "Are you a mom?" I'm used to getting this question because kids automatically assume every woman is a mother. I answer them. Then, this little girl starts going on and on about a pregnant teacher, "Well, Mrs. G is a mom. She has a baby growing in her tummy. It's so tiny. She just needs to eat and feed it everyday to help it grow and then it'll be ready to come out. It's going to be so cute." At this point, I'm ready to scream, "YES! I know Mrs. G is growing a baby! I saw the Facebook post this summer and hid it from my newsfeed. YES! I see her in the hallway everyday and try not to turn green with envy at her growing belly and pregnant glow. I KNOW!!!!!!!!" At which point another child asks, "Do you even want to be a mom?" They have no idea how loaded these questions are. I hope they never have to find out. Leave it to a room full of babes to remind you just how shitty your luck is.


Edited Update: I just gave myself the Lupron injection. AHHHHH!!! It itches so bad!!!! I don't think I'll be able to sleep. I'm getting a little knot at the injection site and all I want to do is scratch. Looks like I'll be sleeping with an ice pack tonight.

It's a Go!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my amazing husband!! He's 33 today. We've kept our celebrating to the minimum since it's on a Monday and we're in the midst of another cycle. We agreed not to do presents this year as the cost of infertility treatments (and hopefully a child) is enough. But, I started feeling guilty so I decided to make it a day of service. Food service, that is. How does the saying go? "The way to your man's heart is through his belly?" Well, that was my motto today. I woke up early and made scrambled eggs, bacon, and a large coffee to-go. I pulled the balloon that was hiding in my trunk out to surprise him while he was eating this morning. On the way home from work, I picked up some of the best cheesecake in the world, which he still doesn't know about. I think we'll eat that after doing my injections. For dinner, I made his favorite meal: chicken pot pie, served with a large glass of Pinot Noir (wine for him, water for me). He got two cards,  one from me and one from the dog. Yes, I'm that girl. He's a good dog-daddy and deserves some loving from our puppy. From what I can tell, he loved it. I'm hoping all the goodness in his belly made up for not doing gifts this year.

            


IVF Update
My first monitoring appointment went well today! I was so nervous going in. The doctor that did the ultrasound was trying to make small talk and I couldn't even think to converse with him. If I recall correctly, I made a joke about feeling funky and cheering on Michael Phelps while doing injections each night. It was definitely an awkward conversation.

Before he started the ultrasound, I let him know that I have 2 cysts. As this is not my regular doctor, I thought it best to let him know. There was no way I was going to let him mistake a cyst for a dominant follicle and cancel my cycle. He started with my right ovary. There were so many follicles! My right ovary is always the sleepy one that gives us 2-4 tiny follicles. Today, there were at least 8 follicles on that ovary, all decent sized. I couldn't believe what I was seeing or hearing. Then, he moved the wand to my left ovary. The cyst popped up immediately. He looked shocked then said, "That must be the cyst. We'll keep looking." Thank goodness I remembered to tell him it was there. He started calling out the measurements of the follicles on my left ovary and I lost count. This has never happened to me before. I've never had more than 10 follicles during an IVF cycle. I don't even know what to think!

The nurse called this afternoon. My Estrogen is at 845, Progesterone is 0.1. They want me to continue injecting meds the same way. I'll add in a full vial of Cetrotide tonight and continue this until Wednesday's appointment. They will do another ultrasound and blood draw on Wednesday and will update the protocol from there. BEST DAY EVER!!

The only bad thing about this cycle is the Cetrotide that starts tonight. This stuff made me break-out really bad during our second IVF cycle. My stomach was covered in red bumps and was extremely itchy. I'm dreading it! I decided to take a before and after picture to show the difference Cetrotide makes. Honestly, my stomach is already looking pretty gross with all the red bumps and bruising. It's so sexy, I can't even begin to understand how my husband is resisting me at this point. ;)

Ew. Sorry you have to see this.

Somehow, I ran out of Menopur. I realized on Friday that I only had enough to make it through tonight. Since the pharmacy is closed over the weekend, I had to put in a special overnight order today. Bye, bye $$$$$$. Hello, follicles!

Day 6 of Stims. Added Cetrotide. 4 injections a night.

Oh My Ovaries!

I'm going to start this by saying that I do not feel well. AT. ALL.

Three words to describe this weekend: calm, productive, weird.
Calm because I stayed home all weekend and took time to just do nothing and hang out with me. I don't necessarily feel like being around anyone during this mess so it was perfect.

Productive because all of this free time allowed me to sort through and organize our bills and paperwork from everything infertility. I finally found time to clean the kitchen like I've been wanting to. AND, I updated the blog, which I'm still not happy with but it's a work in progress.

IVF is sucking us dry! Too many bills!

Weird because, well, just keep reading...

It's Day 5 of stimulations and it's the first day I've felt like poop. It came out of no where. I was in a great mood: deep cleaning the kitchen, planning out what I want to do for my husband's birthday tomorrow, and listening to my podcasts. I took a shower before heading to the grocery store and that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just fell asleep. I don't remember how or when but it felt great! When I woke up, my hair was mostly dry and the dog had cuddled up next to me. Since then, I've had a dull headache and have been feeling very groggy. I managed to dry & style my hair and finish my daily errands. But, it wasn't easy.

We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. Apparently, it was obvious how poorly I felt because my husband was staring at me like I was an alien. "WHAT?!?!!" He asked if I was okay. hahaha. Loaded question, Buddy. I'm trying to remember that I'm on hormones. These emotions I feel aren't entirely me. It's okay to be crazy... but keep it in check, girl! My reply was nice and honest, "No. I'm not okay. I feel terrible. I'm sleepy, and groggy, and I have a weird headache. I just feel weird." We talked about it a little more at home. The only way I can think to describe it is that I'm almost in a fog. It's like things are actually happening but I almost don't know they're happening. I'm in la-la-land but it's real life.

Do I sound crazy, or what?

Ovary Woes
I can feel my ovaries and it's driving me nuts. I don't remember feeling them this much the first time around. Trying to describe how it feels is impossible. It's like a constant pressure with a shooting pain every once in a while. But, it's a very dull pain. Not really painful at all, if that makes sense. It's mostly in my left ovary and flares up when I'm walking the dog back up the driveway or lifting things. My husband probably thinks I'm crazy cause I'm making weird noises and walking with my legs wide apart. It's such an odd experience and it's beginning to interrupt my sleep. I like sleeping on my side but it feels like I'm squishing my ovaries now. Not comfortable at all. I can fall asleep on my back but naturally turn to my side during sleep, causing my ovaries to get crushed, thus, waking me up all throughout the night. Ridiculous.

IVF
Everything has been going well as far as I can tell. The injections are a breeze at this point. The bleeding after injections has continued. It bled so much on Friday night that it dripped onto my jeans and undies. Ew!After each round of injections, I get a very dull headache and feel like sleeping. Good thing I chose to do them at 9:30 every night so that I can just crawl in bed.

More meds arrived on Thursday.
I still need to order more Menopur.
(left to right: Gonal-F, Menopur, Omnitrope)

My first monitoring appointment is tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited. I'm terrified that I'll have a dominant follicle and they'll want to cancel again. Honestly, if this happens, I may just ask to continue on. I don't think I want to do this again. If we cancel or fail, I'm ready to move on to donor eggs. This isn't fun. I feel crazy. My body, our marriage, our bank account... they can only handle so much. Let's hope that I go in tomorrow and they say, "Wow! You're responding so well. You have 1 million follicles and are ready to start Cetrotide. We'll see you on Wednesday." If not, there will be lots of conversation and decisions to be made... tomorrow... on my husband's birthday. Oi.

Check It Out! Injection Fun

I thought it would be fun to make a time-lapse video of my nightly routine. It typically takes 20-30 minutes to do all of the injections. Obviously, it goes by quicker as I get more used to it. Tonight, I had to mix all 3 medications: Omnitrope, Menopur, and Gonal-F. But, I don't use all of the Omni. or the Gonal-F so they are already mixed for tomorrow's injection. This means that tomorrow will go by quicker. Anyways, I told my husband about the time lapse idea. He set the tripod up and made it happen. I can't even believe I'm posting this with my bloated belly (thanks for even more side effects, meds). I'll definitely be wearing dresses and maxi skirts to work this week. I can barely button my pants.

Third Time's a Charm!

IVF: Round 3 has officially started!
I ordered all of the meds yesterday. Ouch! Spending thousands of dollars is always really painful. Let's just hope it works this time.
I've set my alarm to go off at 9:25 each night. Not that I'd ever forget but it's nice to have the reminder. It takes about 20-30 minutes total because I have to mix the meds, switch out the needles and/or syringes, suck the meds up into the syringe, make sure there aren't air bubbles in it, and then inject. And, I'm doing this with 3 different meds. 3 times! I'm not complaining though. The first round of IVF required 4 injections a day... adding in a 5th one towards the end. So, I'll take 3! It seems to be the lucky number this time around, anyways.

Protocol:
8/10-14:   Continue Prenatals, Vitamin D, and CoQ10
                 300 IU Gonal-F (1 injection)
                 2 vials of Menopur mixed with 1 mL. of saline (1 injection)
                 50 units of Omnitropin Growth Hormone (1 injection)
                .5 mg of Dexamethasone (oral tablet)

8/15:        Ultrasound and Blood Work
                The nurse will call to update my medications protocol and will tell me when to
                add in the Cetrotide injections (which prevent early ovulation).

8/17:        Ultrasound and Blood Work
                 The nurse will call again to update my protocol. We may get a good idea of the
                 time frame for egg retrieval at this point.

Daily Injections

What's Going On in My Brain:
- What if the cysts get confused for dominant follicles? There's no way we can afford to cancel another cycle. We've spent over $10,000 on medications (out-of-pocket). I'm hoping my doctor will be at each ultrasound since she is familiar with my ovaries and knows that there are two cysts.

- This all seems to be moving really fast! Which totally doesn't make sense. We've been doing infertility treatments since January. That's 8 months people!!! This is the third time around. I've been filling my body with hormones for a month waiting for this day. Now it's here! How in the world could it possibly seem to be moving quickly? It seems unreal. I could be going in for an egg retrieval in a week!

- I'm nervous and anxious. This is it. This is our last chance of making a baby with our own parts (my own part, technically. His are pretty awesome). If this fails, we move on to donor eggs. This is my last chance at having a biological child. I'm trying not to think about it. I've been a realist in the past and it helped deal with the failures. Failed IVF: cried once and survived. Cancelled IVF: Cried A LOT and then got through it. For some odd reason, I'm being hopeful this round. I'm cautiously optimistic and it's driving me crazy. My odds are so low because of my diagnosis. Our own personal statistics should be reason enough for me not to be hopeful... but I am. You should hear the dialog going on in my head all day. I'm talking myself down one minute then pumping myself up the next. It's exhausting. Once I get going on these meds, it'll get even worse. Maybe I'm optimistic because this is the final chance. Maybe I'm optimistic because I'd like to think positive for a change. Maybe I'm optimistic because another (final) failure will hurt more than I think it will. Who knows?!?

All I know right now is that I'm okay. I'm moving forward. We are one day closer to the end of this IVF journey. Another day  closer to living our lives as normal people again. 

I realize this is gross. But, I had to document the blood!
I've done this twice before and never had any bleeding.
 Imagine my surprise when I looked down yesterday and saw this.
Why did I bleed this time?
Guess I might actually use band-aids this time around. 

Let's Play Catch-Up

Oh my goodness. I have been trying to post this update for over a week! Life has just been so hectic lately. We vacationed in Boston, I started back to work, all of my friends have had exciting life events, and I've had some unexpected doctor visits. I got AWESOME news today... but I'll save that for the end. :)

Priming Protocol = ALL THE HORMONES!
In my last post, I included my priming schedule for IVF: Take 3. Assuming my cysts are gone, this priming protocol is supposed to help my ovaries produce better follicles that all grow at the same rate, providing us with more mature eggs. (This is also what the priming for round 2 was supposed to do... but didn't...)

Here was the schedule:
July 13- Started 2mg. Estradiol, and one pump of testosterone gel.
              Start baby Aspirin, continue CoQ10, quit taking DHEA
July 26- Start Prometrium (inserted vaginally each AM and PM!! Seriously?!?!)
July 30- Stop Testosterone gel
July 31- Start Testosterone Patch (wear 9PM- 9AM) each day
August 4- Take last dose of Prometrium, Estradiol, and Testosterone
August 5- Wait for period to start

Do you know what this means?I AM FINISHED WITH PRIMING HORMONES! HALLELUJAH!

Hormone Priming Misery
Taking Estradiol (estrogen) was a breeze. My alarm went off at 7:30 PM each night and I swallowed the tiniest little blue pill. Easy-Cheesy. Just like taking the unnecessary birth control I took for so many years. No problem.

Taking the Prometrium and testosterone was a different story...

Testosterone
Applying Androgel (testosterone) to your shoulder everyday is quite annoying. It was difficult traveling with this big bottle of gel and having to carry it around in my purse everywhere we went. I was set to apply it every night at 9 PM. There were several occasions in which I had to stop what I was doing, locate a bathroom, apply the gel, then stand around blowing on my shoulder waiting for it to dry so that I could put my shirt back on. I'm not going to lie, I was really late putting it on several times. I'll always have the memories of applying testosterone to my shoulder at Fenway Park, Harvard University, a random Chick-Fil-A because I was 2 hours late putting it on, two bars in Boston, a bachelorette party, a graduation dinner party, and much, much more.

I think the worst part of this was when I forgot to wear sleeves when I went out. Having my testosterone covered shoulder exposed in a tank top makes for a paranoid woman. The instructions were very adamant about letting no one touch it, including myself. I've never noticed how often people touch my shoulder until now. At one event, a story that I had rug burn on my shoulder from a fun night with my husband began circulating. This was the only explanation that would justify my jumping and saying, "Not the shoulder!" when my friend put her arm around me. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically at everyone's confusion.

Boston TSA Don't Play
Now, let me tell you a little story about carrying Androgel on the airplane. The container it comes in is over the liquid limit for carry-ons. But, there was no way I was going to risk putting it into our checked luggage. The TSA website said that if I put it in an easy-to-reach place and explain that it's a prescription, it would be okay. Sounds simple, right? Right! Flying to Boston was no problem. They peeked in my bag and let me go on.
Flying home from Boston was another story. They searched through my bag and pulled the Androgel bottle out. They didn't even look at the box it came in. Two different guys were inspecting it and mumbling to each other. I kept trying to tell them, "Look at the box. It's a prescription. You can see the prescription on the box." I don't think they spoke much English cause they had strong accents and didn't seem to understand me. I heard one guy say, "Test it out." At this point, my heart was beating 1,000 miles a minute. I reached in my bag to pull at the box with the prescriptions and got reprimanded. He yelled, "Back up! You are not allowed to touch anything right now!" I started pleading with him not to push the pump because it's very expensive medication and each pump is a dose. My husband even pitched in on this one, telling the guy it was very expensive medication. He just looked at us both like we were being ridiculous. FINALLY, he pulled the box out, saw the prescription, and showed the other guy. They both nodded their heads, swabbed the gel, and put it away. By this point, I was fuming. Why didn't he just look at the box and listen to me in the first place? That would have saved us all a lot of trouble! I was shaking and sweating from the stress it caused. Ugh. Men never listen. ;) He didn't even put it back the right way. Ridiculous!

The Patch
I began Androgen (the testosterone patch) two Sundays ago. The directions said to put it on at 9PM and remove it at 9AM. But, that was it. I had no idea HOW to put it on or WHERE I was supposed to put it. I had to search online, which led me to a lot of videos of females transitioning to males. So fascinating! I may have gotten swept away in looking at the results and cheering them on. I am very thankful for these videos, as they helped me understand what to do with my patches. Luckily, I only had to do this for a few days. It was hard escaping to a private place at work to remove the patch each morning.There isn't much privacy in an elementary school. I was also worried about throwing it in a trash can near children. I could only imagine what would happen if they were to find it or somehow get it stuck to their little fingers. Usually, I wrapped it in paper towel and shoved it into the bottom of a trash can in the office.

Androgen (Testosterone) Patch on My Back

Progesterone
Prometrium= the vag pill. Honestly, it wasn't terrible. I set an alarm to insert it every morning at 6 AM and every evening at 6 PM. I truly didn't mind having to lie down for 15 minutes after inserting it. I was able to get some reading time in. The worst part was when we were out at dinner or running errands at 6 PM. Most of the time, I just waited til I got home to put it in. Other times, I ran into a bathroom to insert it, forgoing the 15 minutes resting ritual. The awkwardness of sticking a capsule in your own vagina wore off after the first day or two. But, I always felt like I was trying to hold it in. The constant discharge and changing of panty-liners was probably the worst part. I am so glad that's over with. I feel like a free woman! I'm getting a nice little break from constantly stopping my life to feed my body hormones. I can't wait to feel normal again.

Prometrium Capsules (Progesterone)

Cysts Update/IVF #3
The cysts are going away! There were some strange things going on in my nether-regions a couple of weeks ago. I called the nurse cause I was worried that I had started my period too soon. They decided to have me come in for an ultrasound to check everything out. It turns out that all those weird things were good things! The cysts were shrinking! If you recall, I had 5 cysts before (all 4 cm or larger). Now, there are only 3. We could see that one was collapsed, one was at 1 mm, and the other was at 10 mm. My RE seemed really excited and hopeful that these last 3 would be gone in time for me to start the next round of IVF.

Today's Good News
Skip ahead to today. I was supposed to contact my RE on Cycle Day 1. But, I've been spotting since  Friday. They make it very clear that spotting is not the first day. So, I've been waiting for a "full flow." By Monday, I was concerned and my gut told me to contact the clinic. Thank goodness I did. They had me go in for an ultrasound and blood work this morning. As it turns out, I am on my period. The RE thinks it's a light period because my lining is so thin. Today's ultrasound was considered the baseline for IVF #3!!!! I start stimulation injections tomorrow night. As of now, I have 12 follicles. There are still two cysts, one on each ovary. They are collapsed and still shrinking so the RE isn't concerned. Therefore, we are moving forward. My anxiety was through the roof waiting on that phone call today. I can't believe this is actually happening.... again! PLEASE let this be the final time and PLEASE let it be a successful round! I just want a baby to love and call my own. I want to create a beautiful human being with the man I love. I wish it wasn't too much to ask.

I'll update you tomorrow with the protocol and Day 1 of Stims. Hope my stomach is ready for more pokes and pinches.