Pinch Me. I'm Dreaming.

I've been wanting to do a new post all week but just couldn't muster up enough energy. Let's see if I can stay awake long enough to finish this post tonight. :)

Infertility/Pregnancy Updates
It seems as if an entire lifetime has passed since we got the good news. In reality, it's been less than 2 weeks since we found out that the transfer worked. But, so much has changed in that short time!

First of all, I'm still not sure that I believe it. There are times that I start wishing I had more symptoms just to reassure myself that I'm actually pregnant. Crazy, right? I think this will change once we have our first ultrasound. You know the saying, "I'll believe it when I see it"? Once we see that tiny little chocolate chip on the screen, I think it'll be easier to believe.

Betas
We found out we were pregnant last Sunday, October 16. On Monday, our RE called and left a congratulatory voicemail. She apologized that she wasn't the one to give us the good news but wanted us to know how happy she was for us. This meant so much to me. When a doctor works hard to make sure you have the best possible care and invests time into making sure you're getting exactly what you need, it feels great! I never once doubted her decisions nor did I doubt that she was doing everything in her power to make sure we succeeded. Everyone needs to experience being the patient of a doctor who truly cares about you as a person. I wish all infertile women could see my doctor!

I went in for another blood draw on Tuesday. A successful, progressing pregnancy should see doubling beta levels every other day. On Sunday, my HCG was 410. Tuesday's test showed that I was at 795. This is great and totally normal. But, I freaked out a little because it wasn't exactly doubled. Our next beta wasn't until Saturday. (So far away!) I woke up every morning hoping and praying that I was still pregnant. Saturday finally came and my HCG was at 3120. Whoo-hoo!! Things seem to be progressing perfectly.

The next step is our very first ultrasound! Hearing the nurse say that we needed to schedule our first OB appointment was like music to my ears. Me? Mrs. Infertile? Mrs. No Eggs? Mrs. Old Ovaries? I get to go to an obstetrician for an ultrasound to look at an actual embryo?! In my uterus?! Unbelievable.

The countdown to ultrasound #1 is on! We are scheduled to see that little nugget on Tuesday, November 1st. I decided to take the day off so that I could just enjoy the moment....Okay, fine. That's not entirely true. I'm incredibly worried that the ultrasound will reveal a complication. All of this just seems too good to be true. As hard as I try to push the worry out, it's too easy to imagine everything that could still go wrong. I'm taking the day off for my sanity, to make sure I have time to process any news we get, and to rest. Hopefully, we'll get to spend the day celebrating a healthy pregnancy (so far).

Enough with that talk! For now, I'm pregnant. This may be the only time I ever get to be pregnant. I'm working on trying to enjoy it. But, it's hard not to worry about every little thing. PTSD after infertility is totally a thing and it's depriving me of the joy I should be feeling at this moment.

What's New? 
Imagine our shock when we found out that I was already 4 weeks, 2 days pregnant when we got our first positive! I got to skip a few weeks! Today, I am 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant with a due date of June 23rd. The embryo has only been in my uterus for 3 weeks but I'm almost 6 weeks along. It's like I got a bonus pass for an extra 3 weeks of pregnancy.

I downloaded the Glow Nurture app and absolutely love it! It's very personalized and gives daily articles and information that directly correlate to me and my pregnancy. Mr. Merman was able to join as my partner so that he can see all of the updates and articles too. I love waking up every morning to see what's happening with Baby P. This week, his/her eyes, heart, and brain are forming! Hopefully, we'll be able to see that tiny heart beating on Tuesday.

I know it's really early but I've already ordered some announcement goodies for our parents. Originally, we talked about telling them in person at Thanksgiving but it's so hard to wait that long! I want my mom to be able to share in the joy. I want my in-laws to be able to celebrate with us as they've been so supportive throughout this entire journey. I'd like to finally tell my Dad what all we've been through & why I've crawled into a hole for the past year. If our ultrasound goes well, we will most likely tell our parents next weekend. I'll be 7 weeks pregnant at that point. If we were to have a miscarriage or some other complication, our parents would be the first to know so I think it's totally fine if we tell them at 7 weeks.

Symptoms
First and foremost, I am beyond exhausted. In fact, I'm going to have to end this post soon because I can barely stay awake. The exhaustion is so intense that I almost fell asleep standing up more than once yesterday.

I'm also experiencing dizziness, random bouts of nausea, dry mouth, tender breasts, intense hunger, and frequent trips to the bathroom. I started a bathroom log because it just didn't seem right that I was going so often. Sometimes, the trips interrupt meals! It's ridiculous.

I'm pretty bloated, especially at the end of the day. I've had to unbutton my pants as soon as I leave work everyday this week. I'm paranoid that people are going to notice the bloat because all of my clothes are form-fitting.
I read that you are only supposed to eat 300 extra calories during the first trimester so I've added rice to my lunch (baked chicken breast and asparagus) so that I'm not overeating all day long. However, when the hunger hits, I have to eat immediately or I feel like I'm going to pass out. I keep a bag of pretzels and a bag of cheerios with me at all times for these circumstances. I've already experienced the midnight snacking a couple of times. When the hunger wakes you up, you eat!

Other than that, I feel pretty normal and have to keep repeating, "I am pregnant. I'm pregnant. This is real life."

Okay, this Mermaid needs some sleep. I hope this post made sense. I'm too sleepy to edit and revise... maybe tomorrow. :)

I'm totally going to be that pregnant woman.
I think I've earned it. 

Is This Real Life?

I'M PREGNANT!

We got the call around 12:30 today and it was a positive! I think I'm still in a state of shock... trying to wrap my head around this craziness that can't be reality... can it? Oh. my. gosh.

Earlier This Week

A few things happened this week that made me so emotionally crazy. I'll begin with the scary things. (Beware. This gets a bit personal so you may want to skip it). On Friday, I went to the bathroom at work and noticed that the toilet paper was pink. Quickly, I wiped again and saw that there was a little piece of something very similar to what happens during my menstrual cycle. I rushed back to my office and began googling all of the options. I knew that it couldn't be my period because Progesterone prevents that from coming but I've also heard of girls starting their periods anyways. An ugly cry took over my body for a minute as I considered myself dooomed. Not pregnant. End of the biological baby road. My girlfriends were texting me trying to help me calm down. But, I was a mess. The rest of the day was spent running back and forth to the bathroom to check for more spotting. Nothing else ever happened. I started wondering if I had made it all up in my head. Hallucinations? Hormones officially making me insane? I even thought it was the universe's way of preparing me for bad news. Needless to say, it was terrifying. 

Now, for the not so scary. Remember how I said that I was peeing all the time in my last post? I finally discovered that if I put a pillow between my knees during the night, I didn't have to get up and go as much. I sleep on my side so, my legs being together is squishing my bladder. The pillow gives it more room so I only pee once or... drum roll... ZERO times! I didn't get up to pee at all for the past two nights and it was blissful. However, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous I would feel if we found out that I'm not pregnant and I've been sleeping with a pillow between my legs. 

We spent yesterday with some friends in the city. They invited us to a brewery because they got free tickets. I knew I'd want to be busy this weekend so I agreed to be the designated driver. Luckily, I'm gluten-free so it wasn't super awkward for me not to drink. The day flew by! We had such a great time touring the brewery, catching up with friends, and drinking (or watching people get drunk in my case). Afterwards, we went out to dinner at a taco bar that was so gluten-free friendly, I almost cried. By the time we got home, I was exhausted and in disbelief that our beta was less than 12 hours away. 

Touring the Brewery

Beta- HCG- Finding Out We're Pregnant 

Anxiety and nervousness took over last night. Sleep only lasted a few hours. It took a while to finally fall asleep and then I woke up every hour checking the clock wondering how much longer til we could leave?!

I finally gave up around 5:30 AM and rolled out of bed. I took the dog out, made some waffles, and watched "I Love Lucy." It was actually a rather enjoyable morning. We finally hit the road around 7:20 AM. I had butterflies as we pulled in. Because it's the weekend, we had to drive to the furthest location and you never know which doctor, nurse, phlebotomist, etc. will be there. Lucky for me, the phlebotomist from my home location was there today! She remembered me and my weak veins, wishing us luck as we left. While she was drawing my blood, I asked if they would also be testing the progesterone and estrogen levels. She asked, "Did you take a pregnancy test this morning?" "No! I was good. I resisted and am waiting for the results today," I said. Her response was, "Oh. Well, if you had gotten a positive at home, we would run those tests. But, we'll just test your HCG today." This confused me a little as I was thinking I had done a good thing by not testing at home. 

We left the doctor's office around 8:15AM, stopped so Mr. Merman could get coffee, then parked ourselves on the couch as we anxiously awaited the phone call that would forever change our lives. 

It. felt. like. forever. We didn't talk much. I couldn't stay focused on anything. TV, movie, book, nothing worked. I was so nervous I couldn't eat or drink without feeling like I was going to puke. 

The call finally came at 12:26 PM. I shouted, "It's them!!!" and put the TV on mute. I put the phone on speaker so that we could both hear the doctor say, "Congratulations! It was positive. You're pregnant!" My HCG level is a 410, which the doctor said is pretty high and very strong. As soon as I hung up the phone, my husband rolled over to hug me and we just held each other in that sweet embrace for a few minutes as we both came to terms with the news that we just heard. About 3 years of trying, a lot of science and medical intervention, a few ten-thousand dollars, and we're finally expecting. (Even the dog was celebrating as she ran up my husband's back and started licking my face). 

Shortly after getting the news, I decided that I wanted to pee on a bunch of sticks so that I could see the first positive we've ever had. I expected it to be very light in color since it's so early on and since it wasn't first morning urine. But, it instantly showed two lines on all 3 test strips. Call me crazy, but I've been carrying one stick around with me all day just so that I can look at it. It's still so unbelievable! 

What Now?

According to the IVF calculators, I'm 4 weeks and 2 days along. My due date is June 23. We will go back on Tuesday for another blood draw to make sure the HCG numbers are doubling (they should be 820 or higher). As happy as I am at this moment, I know that I will spend the next 10 weeks fretting over every little thing that could possibly go wrong and hoping that everything goes right. 

But first, we will celebrate by going out to eat Frozen Custard. Our usual celebration spot. 

This day is currently the best day of my life. 

31 Years of Emotions

Birthdays
Most people don't realize it but birthdays are difficult when you're dealing with infertility. Am I thankful for another year of life and for all that I have in my life? YES! Of course. But, it's also a huge reminder that another year has passed and I still don't have children. Yesterday was a day of mourning and celebration as I hit 31 years of age.

Even so, I tried to make the most of it. I enjoyed a very small dinner with 3 of my best girlfriends on Saturday. (I don't feel like being around a lot of people right now, especially since I don't even know if I'm pregnant or not). We enjoyed some Mexican yumminess and ice cream. Afterwards, one of my friends got to join in on the IVF fun by giving me a PIO injection. She was a pro! I didn't even feel that massive needle entering my butt. Like I always say, my friends are the BEST!

I treated myself to a blowout yesterday. If you've never had one of these, go get one now! The afternoon consisted of a scalp massage, neck massage, hand massage, relaxing hair wash, and complete and total blow drying and styling of my hair. Expectations exceeded! It was extremely relaxing. Why haven't I done this before?!?!

My mom came by to drop off a gift. I haven't told her about the transfer so I had to quickly hide all of the paperwork, meds, and needles from the kitchen table. The temptation was real. I was dying to grab our embryo picture and tell her all about it. But, I decided to wait. If this does work, I'd like to make it as normal as possible with a surprising "you're a grandma!" announcement in a couple of months.

Mr. Merman did good this year! He's been listening over the past few months. He bought me a few items that I've mentioned in recent conversations. My favorite gift was the new pair of shoes! Surprised is an understatement. I was so shocked, touched, and pleased with all he did. I wasn't expecting anything and ended up with some pretty amazing gifts and a showering of love. We went out for birthday dinner then chilled at home. It was a perfect night!

Check out my new Chucks!

Infertility/FET Update
Let's start with all the fun side effects of Progesterone and Estradiol.

1. I'm peeing like there's no tomorrow. This started before the transfer and has progressively gotten worse. I'm up at least twice a night peeing, even though I stop drinking water at 7:30. I pee every chance I get while at work. Sometimes, I'll turn a certain way and the pee feels like it's going to come pouring out. I even had to sneak back into the building during a fire drill today because I couldn't hold it in. I pee before I leave work because I know I have a 30 minute drive home. But, I can barely make it home before I have to go again! I'm running in the door to pee as soon as I get here. It's a little insane... and a bit annoying. 
2. This may be a little too much information but my bowel movements are also insane. Progesterone can slow down the digestive system but Estradiol can cause upset stomach/diarrhea. So, I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of those two. I constantly have to go but it's just a little because the progesterone is slowing it down. Basically, I live in the bathroom now.
3. I have waves of nausea and dizziness. The dizzy spells are quite often but go away quickly. The nausea comes on pretty hard and fast. It usually helps if I eat something or drink some Ginger Ale (my new best friend). Last night got pretty intense. I had a little bout of nausea when we got home from dinner and almost threw up 3 different times. I was burping and gagging every few minutes. Sexy, right?
4. Hot flashes. The hot flashes are always followed by intense nausea. Thankfully, I haven't had many of these. The worst was during 3rd grade math yesterday. I was working with one of my small groups and suddenly felt like I was suffocating in a sauna. I threw my sweater off so fast the kids noticed and started asking what was wrong. Then the nausea hit and I had to leave a few minutes early to get out of there!  
5. Irritability/Mood Swings. I can feel myself becoming irrationally angry/irritated. One second, I'm super happy. The next minute, I'm depressed. And then I'm mad but don't know why. My patience is wearing thin. I first noticed it at work with the students. If they weren't catching onto the math strategy I was teaching, I got abnormally irritated with them. Luckily, I'm able to keep it in check so I don't go nuts on those poor, innocent children. Another example was when the waiter was taking his precious time getting our check at dinner last night. I felt so on edge that I was ready to go hunt him down and give him a piece of my mind. But, why??? We were in no hurry at all! In all honesty, I feel absolutely crazy. 

Speaking of mood swings...

I've been on this incredibly happy high since the transfer last Thursday. I've let hope consume me and have basically convinced myself that it worked. Even though I'm resisting them as much as possible, the pregnancy thoughts are creeping in. When will I be due? How old is our embryo today? (12 days) What will we name him/her? How will we announce it to my friends and family? How much of our infertility journey am I willing to share? How far along will I be at my best friend's wedding? Where will I shop for maternity clothes? Etc.

It has been pretty exciting because I've never actually been able to think this far along before. I feel like I'm walking around holding in this happy little secret that I can't wait to tell! But, it's a dangerous place to be in because what if? What if it doesn't work?

...

Yesterday, my mood took a turn for the worst. Out of nowhere, an eerie feeling suddenly took over me. It's a really feeling to describe. I was sitting in my office working when it happened and felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. There is a very real possibility that that embryo didn't implant. After all, we've never been able to get pregnant. What if implantation is an issue we don't know about yet? 

This is when the unhappy thoughts began creeping in. Will we really be done trying after this? What will I do if we get a negative? Should I just make an "infertility" announcement on FB and let the world know? How can we get more money to keep trying other options? How will I be able to function as I watch everyone around me start their families? Can this really be my life?

It has been really difficult for me to shake that dark feeling. I can't help but think that it's a sign of what's to come. Maybe this terrible feeling is reminding me to be realistic so that I'm not so devastated when we find out that it didn't work.

I just wish I knew already! It's so tempting to take an at-home test. Mr. Merman pointed out that it could show a false negative because it's so early. But, Sunday seems so far away!

At this very second, I feel numb. I've gone from one extreme to the next and I'm tired of feelings. Can I just sleep til Sunday?

Cloud Nine

Look at our beautiful embryo! It's perfect in every way! I can't believe this tiny microscopic embryo is floating around (or sticking) in my uterus right now. This is the closest we've ever been to getting pregnant and it feels so surreal.

Day 6 Hatching Embryo
after thaw, before transfer

Transfer Day

Sleep was sporadic the night before. I'd been so worried about staying hydrated that I woke up to pee about 3 times during the night. My dreams were oddly vivid as I went back in time to when I was a nanny with newborn twins. Why was I dreaming about that? Maybe because being a nanny is the closest I've ever come to being a parent? The subconscious mind is such an interesting place.

My husband was up bright and early to take care of the dog while I laid around in bed dozing off and on all morning... willing time to pass quickly. As I laid there, I planned out my attire for the day based on what was happening. The instructions said to wear something comfortable so I knew I wanted to wear yoga pants. But, what else? I've always read about women who wore special/lucky socks to retrieval and transfer. So, in the spirit of the season, I settled on wearing my witch socks. Witches perform magic, much like these doctors are doing with the science behind our transfer. As for my shirt, I decided to wear something that says, "HOPE." Because, for the first time in a long while, there is a glimmer of hope in sight. Hope that we will one day become parents. 

Hope, Magic, Science, and Faith are all working together to make this happen. Does that sound like a recipe for success or what?

                              

While enjoying my low sodium breakfast of unseasoned eggs and water (blagh!), Mr. Merman surprised me with a bouquet of roses. Happy Transfer Day to us!

I followed all of the procedures and started chugging my 32 oz. bottle of water an hour before our scheduled time. I ate another bland, low-sodium granola bar to go with the Xanax and Ibuprofen. As we sat in traffic, hoping to make it to our appointment on time, I started feeling restless. It was finally time to be maybe pregnant!  

Upon arrival, we both changed into our transfer clothes. Mr. Merman got to put on scrubs and a mask while I put on a gown and covered my witch socks with special hospital socks. 

Apparently, I didn't drink enough water. By the time they called us back, I'd had 40 ounces of water and hadn't peed in over an hour. The initial ultrasound showed that my bladder wasn't full enough. They showed me where the bladder was in relation to the uterus and explained that it needed to be fuller to push the uterus down. Having it down makes the transfer easier because they don't have to go in at such a weird angle. (Maybe it was the Xanax but I just thought this was the coolest thing ever). Back to the private waiting room I went to guzzle down more water. An hour later, my bladder was finally full enough. Thank goodness! For the record, I blame this problem on being a teacher. Holding in water and coffee for up to 8 hours (sometimes longer) has to have something to do with this. My bladder is trained not to fill up too fast. 

Anyways, we both got to go back to the operating room. I climbed up on the table and got my legs placed into the massive stirrups. (It's the same room they use for egg retrieval). The nurse gave me a heated blanket. That, along with the Xanax was making it very hard to stay awake. I was so relaxed! The embryologist came in with the picture of our embryo and explained that it had thawed perfectly. She told us that it was already beginning to hatch and was at the perfect stage for transfer. My RE was the one who did the transfer (which makes me so incredibly happy). Both her and the nurse commented on how perfect the embryo looks. Because it was already hatching, my RE told me that it would be implanting within 24-48 hours! But, the thing that keeps replaying in my mind is how the embryologist reiterated, over and over, that "this embryo is perfect and doing exactly what it should be doing." Talk about reassurance! This is exactly what I needed to hear. 

As of now, it has been about 33 hours since transfer. What if the embryo has already attached?!?!?! EEeeeeekkk!!!

The transfer was completely pain-free and easy, other than really having to pee. They placed a speculum in and cleaned off the cervix. The nurse was performing an ultrasound so that the doctor could see what she was doing. This means that I had someone pressing down on my pelvic region while someone else was sticking things in my hoo-haa. ;) My RE walked us through each step and explained what was happening on the screen. She did a trail transfer prior to the real thing to make sure that the catheter was in place and that they could easily get into my uterus. When ready, she called for the embryologist to bring the embryo. Then, she transferred it into my uterus through the catheter. "It's like a shooting star." They put an air bubble behind the embryo so that you can see it entering the uterus on the ultrasound screen. And, that was that! They printed a picture for us to keep. At that point, I wanted to cry tears of joy. It just felt so good to finally make it this far in our journey. This is the closest we've ever been to getting pregnant. I have an embryo in my uterus!

The circle shows where it went into my uterus and the plus sign shows where it's at.

Afterwards, I was instructed to pee before getting dressed and heading home. As much as I wanted to pee, I was also afraid to be pushing anything out so soon after transfer. So, I just sat on the toilet forever, waiting for my body to do it's on thing with minimal effort from me. I wonder if anyone else has done that?

GIVE ME ALL THE SODIUM!

The first thing I did once we were in the car was polish off a bag of sour cream and onion chips. I was so hungry for something tasty and just couldn't stop eating. We ran by the store to pick up another prescription before heading home.That Xanax knocked me out! I spent the rest of the day enjoying the best sleep I've ever had. When I awoke, all I could think about was ice cream. So, we made a trip to the local frozen custard shop and had a nice little treat. We ended the night curled up on the couch watching a Marvel movie until my husband couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. 

Fluffer Nutter and Pumpkin Joe Custard with Chocolate Chips

Today, we both got to sleep in. Then, we went to brunch and a movie. (Go see Mrs. Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. It was so good!) Once again, I spent the afternoon sleeping. I don't know why I'm so tired but every time I sit down to read, write, or watch TV, I fall asleep. But, I'm not complaining because...

I'm officially Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!

Prepping for the big FET

It's finally here!!!!!!!! Our frozen embryo transfer happens tomorrow! All of the imaginable feelings are coursing through my veins right now: excitement, anxiety, nervousness, sadness, fear. Maybe the PIO has something to do with the random tears I've had throughout the day. Regardless, I am SO. VERY. READY.


Day Before Protocol (Today)
I went in for a blood draw at 8AM today. They checked my estrogen and progesterone levels to make sure I was ready for transfer. My estrogen was at 259, Progesterone at 33. It's a go!

All of the same drugs continue today:
Estradiol (3 times a day), Prenatal, Medrol (with dinner), PIO injection, low-dose aspirin
I also continue to take my daily vitamins (D, C, and DHA)

The protocol demands that I follow a low sodium diet and stay super hydrated today.
Curiosity got the best of me, so I inquired about the low sodium diet. According to my nurse, this helps the person stay hydrated. If I'm eating too much sodium, the water/hydration is going to "other things" and they want it all going to the bladder. They want the bladder full to help tilt the uterus for good embryo placement. In short, too much sodium can dehydrate a person and they need me fully hydrated.

So, I've had some pretty bland food today. My usual breakfast smoothie was low sodium so that was good. Other than that, I've had scrambled eggs (lunch and dinner). A Gluten Free, low sodium granola bar (barf), and a yogurt parfait. I can't wait to eat something salty!

Drugs for today and tomorrow

Day of Protocol (tomorrow)
Are you ready? There's a lot of instructions for tomorrow. I'm afraid I'll forget something!
First of all, we're scheduled for 11:15. (EEeeekkkkkk!!!)

Before transfer
- Continue low sodium diet until after FET
- No make-up, perfume, baby powder or talcum powder, and no cologne
- Start drinking water 2 hours before arrival time (9:15)
- 1 hour before arrival (10:15), drink enough water to fill bladder and take the following:
    Xanax (this ensures that I'm calm and relaxed for the transfer)
    800 mg. Ibuprofen w/food (this helps relax the muscle of the uterus)

After transfer
- Take Doxycycline with lunch and dinner
- Minimal activity for the rest of the day
- Continue all the other normal meds (listed above). These will continue until the pregnancy test
- No intercourse or exercise for two weeks (other than walking)

Meanwhile
I spent today staying as busy as possible. It was almost like I was nesting. I did the laundry, dishes, cleaned the bedroom and kitchen, took out the trash, stopped for gas, and hung the Halloween lights outside in between working a half day and going to the doctor. I also managed to squeeze in a final, relaxing bubble bath. Mr. Merman and I took the next two days off of work and I thought it'd be nice to have a clean house to spend our 4-day weekend in. Less chores = less stress.

The coolest Halloween spider lights on the block!

One of my best friends surprised me yesterday with a special goody box for the weekend. She asked me to meet her in the parking lot at work. When I walked out of the gym doors, she was holding a grey box filled with goodies for me and Mr. Merman. She made sure they were all gluten free and even reminded me to use the Starbucks giftcard on decaf coffee. How did I get so lucky?! My friends are absolutely amazing and have been the best support system during this entire ordeal. I'm so excited about digging into my treats tomorrow.

We finally made it to transfer. I think I'm still in shock.

I'm going into tomorrow with hope and will allow myself to feel excited but will also know that there is a very realistic chance that it may not work. Maybe hope will win this time?

Time will only tell...

Life is Unfair

It happened. I was just thinking how lucky I was to make it to the end of my infertility journey without experiencing a close friend getting pregnant.

I've been so excited about getting to the end of this journey. I'm so ready for it to be over. And I'm so ready to just know if we'll be childless or if we'll be parents.

I currently have 5 friends trying to get pregnant. They all started trying in Spring/Summer. My one request to them all (only because the timeline works out) was to just wait until my IVF treatment was over. I knew that if any of them succeeded, they would be about 12 weeks along when we were finished. So, I just asked that they don't tell me until we've reached the end.

And then, it happened. Today I found out that one of my closest friends is 11 weeks. Her wedding was in April. I was in the midst of the 2 week wait for my final IUI before moving onto IVF and I was 5 days late. I spent the entire wedding weekend trying to focus on being a good bridesmaid but also being careful, just in case I was pregnant. I ran to the bathroom to check for a period every hour. I stayed sober. I did a lot of sitting so that I didn't wear myself out. But, as soon as I got home from the wedding weekend, my period started. The IUI had officially failed. And now she's pregnant. She's the one planning a gender reveal, preparing a nursery, and thinking of possible names. She got pregnant 3 months after getting married. And I'm still trying to hold on to every ounce of hope I have left, 3 years into trying, 6 years into marriage, 10 years into our relationship.

I'm sorting through my feelings right now. I'm jealous. So extremely jealous. I'm also happy for them. She has always talked about how we'd all be mommies together and dreamed of the days when we'd all have little ones running around together while we sipped on glasses of wine. She's so lucky that she didn't have any problems getting pregnant. And it makes my stomach turn. I want to barf.

Honestly, I just wish it could have waited 2 weeks. Maybe that's selfish but, fuck. I get to be selfish and whiny because infertility fucking sucks. I'm so close to being finished. I've been taking such good care of myself in preparation for this FET. I'm having an amazing weekend treating myself to all things that make me happy. Then this news just comes along and punches me right in the gut. Apparently, it couldn't wait just two weeks because she's ready to announce on Facebook and is trying to plan her gender reveal for October.

My husband is the one who told me, thanks to the most amazing best friend in the world. The pregnant friend called this friend (we'll call her Kay) to tell her the news first. Like I've said before, Kay has been my rock through this whole ordeal. She tried to talk preggo friend into waiting 2 weeks to announce, but couldn't. So, Kay called my husband, crying out of hurt and concern for me, to let him know what was going on. She wanted him to tell me so that it wasn't a shock and I'd have time to process the information. She is beyond amazing for thinking of this perfect idea. I'd much rather have my husband tell me at home than to be blindsided when preggo calls to tell me. She's supposed to text tomorrow with the news. I wonder how she'll word it? Thank goodness I'm prepared!

Right now, I'm thankful for awesome friends like Kay who know exactly what to do. I'm thankful for an amazing husband who allowed me to vent my anger and supported me with words of encouragement. And, I'm thankful that my friend didn't have to experience infertility. But, I'm also hurting.

I've been feeling at peace about this upcoming FET. And now I've got this pregnancy announcement looming over my head, taking over my thoughts. How much harder will it be if this fails and I have to continue going through each milestone of her pregnancy? I hate feeling jealous, sad, hurt, angry. I haven't cried yet... but I can feel it coming.

Infertility Update
My first PIO (progesterone in oil) injection was tonight. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I had Mr. Merman read the directions, watch a video, then tell me how he was going to do it. Just like a student. He got to see the teacher in me come out tonight. hehehe.

I'll admit, I was pretty terrified of the massive needle. But, it didn't hurt. It was just a weird feeling as the thick liquid went in. It's feeling a little sore now but not too terrible.

Mr. Merman set me up with a heating pad and blanket on the couch afterwards and declared that he'd make a great doctor. :) The heat is supposed to help the PIO flow a little better and prevent swelling. We'll up the dose a little tomorrow. Oddly, I'm looking forward to it because it's something we have control over. I just hope it's worth it.