31 Years of Emotions

Birthdays
Most people don't realize it but birthdays are difficult when you're dealing with infertility. Am I thankful for another year of life and for all that I have in my life? YES! Of course. But, it's also a huge reminder that another year has passed and I still don't have children. Yesterday was a day of mourning and celebration as I hit 31 years of age.

Even so, I tried to make the most of it. I enjoyed a very small dinner with 3 of my best girlfriends on Saturday. (I don't feel like being around a lot of people right now, especially since I don't even know if I'm pregnant or not). We enjoyed some Mexican yumminess and ice cream. Afterwards, one of my friends got to join in on the IVF fun by giving me a PIO injection. She was a pro! I didn't even feel that massive needle entering my butt. Like I always say, my friends are the BEST!

I treated myself to a blowout yesterday. If you've never had one of these, go get one now! The afternoon consisted of a scalp massage, neck massage, hand massage, relaxing hair wash, and complete and total blow drying and styling of my hair. Expectations exceeded! It was extremely relaxing. Why haven't I done this before?!?!

My mom came by to drop off a gift. I haven't told her about the transfer so I had to quickly hide all of the paperwork, meds, and needles from the kitchen table. The temptation was real. I was dying to grab our embryo picture and tell her all about it. But, I decided to wait. If this does work, I'd like to make it as normal as possible with a surprising "you're a grandma!" announcement in a couple of months.

Mr. Merman did good this year! He's been listening over the past few months. He bought me a few items that I've mentioned in recent conversations. My favorite gift was the new pair of shoes! Surprised is an understatement. I was so shocked, touched, and pleased with all he did. I wasn't expecting anything and ended up with some pretty amazing gifts and a showering of love. We went out for birthday dinner then chilled at home. It was a perfect night!

Check out my new Chucks!

Infertility/FET Update
Let's start with all the fun side effects of Progesterone and Estradiol.

1. I'm peeing like there's no tomorrow. This started before the transfer and has progressively gotten worse. I'm up at least twice a night peeing, even though I stop drinking water at 7:30. I pee every chance I get while at work. Sometimes, I'll turn a certain way and the pee feels like it's going to come pouring out. I even had to sneak back into the building during a fire drill today because I couldn't hold it in. I pee before I leave work because I know I have a 30 minute drive home. But, I can barely make it home before I have to go again! I'm running in the door to pee as soon as I get here. It's a little insane... and a bit annoying. 
2. This may be a little too much information but my bowel movements are also insane. Progesterone can slow down the digestive system but Estradiol can cause upset stomach/diarrhea. So, I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of those two. I constantly have to go but it's just a little because the progesterone is slowing it down. Basically, I live in the bathroom now.
3. I have waves of nausea and dizziness. The dizzy spells are quite often but go away quickly. The nausea comes on pretty hard and fast. It usually helps if I eat something or drink some Ginger Ale (my new best friend). Last night got pretty intense. I had a little bout of nausea when we got home from dinner and almost threw up 3 different times. I was burping and gagging every few minutes. Sexy, right?
4. Hot flashes. The hot flashes are always followed by intense nausea. Thankfully, I haven't had many of these. The worst was during 3rd grade math yesterday. I was working with one of my small groups and suddenly felt like I was suffocating in a sauna. I threw my sweater off so fast the kids noticed and started asking what was wrong. Then the nausea hit and I had to leave a few minutes early to get out of there!  
5. Irritability/Mood Swings. I can feel myself becoming irrationally angry/irritated. One second, I'm super happy. The next minute, I'm depressed. And then I'm mad but don't know why. My patience is wearing thin. I first noticed it at work with the students. If they weren't catching onto the math strategy I was teaching, I got abnormally irritated with them. Luckily, I'm able to keep it in check so I don't go nuts on those poor, innocent children. Another example was when the waiter was taking his precious time getting our check at dinner last night. I felt so on edge that I was ready to go hunt him down and give him a piece of my mind. But, why??? We were in no hurry at all! In all honesty, I feel absolutely crazy. 

Speaking of mood swings...

I've been on this incredibly happy high since the transfer last Thursday. I've let hope consume me and have basically convinced myself that it worked. Even though I'm resisting them as much as possible, the pregnancy thoughts are creeping in. When will I be due? How old is our embryo today? (12 days) What will we name him/her? How will we announce it to my friends and family? How much of our infertility journey am I willing to share? How far along will I be at my best friend's wedding? Where will I shop for maternity clothes? Etc.

It has been pretty exciting because I've never actually been able to think this far along before. I feel like I'm walking around holding in this happy little secret that I can't wait to tell! But, it's a dangerous place to be in because what if? What if it doesn't work?

...

Yesterday, my mood took a turn for the worst. Out of nowhere, an eerie feeling suddenly took over me. It's a really feeling to describe. I was sitting in my office working when it happened and felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. There is a very real possibility that that embryo didn't implant. After all, we've never been able to get pregnant. What if implantation is an issue we don't know about yet? 

This is when the unhappy thoughts began creeping in. Will we really be done trying after this? What will I do if we get a negative? Should I just make an "infertility" announcement on FB and let the world know? How can we get more money to keep trying other options? How will I be able to function as I watch everyone around me start their families? Can this really be my life?

It has been really difficult for me to shake that dark feeling. I can't help but think that it's a sign of what's to come. Maybe this terrible feeling is reminding me to be realistic so that I'm not so devastated when we find out that it didn't work.

I just wish I knew already! It's so tempting to take an at-home test. Mr. Merman pointed out that it could show a false negative because it's so early. But, Sunday seems so far away!

At this very second, I feel numb. I've gone from one extreme to the next and I'm tired of feelings. Can I just sleep til Sunday?