Pumping Iron!

Testosterone Rubs
I'm officially confusing the hell out of my body. I wonder if it will ever go back to normal. I started taking Estradiol and Androgel on Wednesday. I've taken Estradiol before, 4 mg. a day. Now, I'm only taking 2 mg. so I'm not freaking out about that one. But, I'm really unsure about this testosterone gel business.

                     

First of all, insurance won't cover it since it's infertility related. The gel cost about $299 out-of-pocket. Luckily, I got a discount since we are self-pay. It would have been more than $400. But, then, I found out that I will eventually switch to a testosterone patch. That costs about $50 (with discount). So, with the cost of these hormones and paying for our consultation with the RE on Tuesday, we just threw down roughly $600 in three days! $600 to get prepared for a cycle that we may not even be able to start cause my cysts could still be there. My thoughts were all over the place on Wednesday. I spent the day contemplating doing nothing this month just so that we didn't waste money or meds. But, the devil on my shoulder kept reminding me that the cysts may be gone at the end of this cycle. If so, we can get to our final egg retrieval much sooner. Luckily, there will be PLENTY of testosterone gel left in case we have to take a break and try this again in a few months.

Anyways, I spent 90 minutes driving to the pharmacy and back on Wednesday night. I got home just in time to give myself a testosterone rub. Time is of the essence in this infertility business. They really want you doing everything at the exact same time each day. For this protocol, I've been given times for certain drugs. The gel is measured by pumps. Each pump (or actuation) is 1.25 grams. That's the exact amount I'm supposed to apply to my shoulder/upper arm each night at 9 PM. So, I put one pump in my palm and rub my shoulder/arm. Then, I have to let it dry completely being careful not to let it rub against my husband or dog. Once dry, I have to put a shirt on over it to keep others from being able to rub against it. I didn't think about the whole shower thing with my first rub so I ended up waiting til midnight to shower on Wednesday. The directions say to wait more than 2 hours to shower. So, that was fun! I feel like I should be lifting weights while I'm giving myself rubs. I'll give my husband some competition. If I can't have babies, at least I can have one fit bod! ;)

Take a look at the directions for this stuff. It was a tiny little square in the box that took about 5 minutes to unfold. In my husband's words, "Damn! It looks like someone wrote a novel on that thing!"

                                                         

Leading Up to My Next Cycle
Here's my protocol leading up to my baseline ultrasound, which will surely show that I still have cysts. (That's my prediction. The cysts will be there and we'll end up waiting another month or two).

July 13- Started 2mg. Estradiol, and one pump of testosterone gel.
              Start baby Aspirin, continue CoQ10, quit taking DHEA
July 26- Start Prometrium (inserted vaginally each AM and PM!! Seriously?!?!)
July 30- Stop Testosterone gel
July 31- Start Testosterone Patch (wear 9PM- 9AM) each day
August 4- Take last dose of Prometrium, Estradiol, and Testosterone

Then, we wait for my period to start so we can do our Baseline. Cross your fingers that, by some sort of miracle, the cysts are GONE! Inserting capsules into my vagina needs to be worth it.


Cyst Update
It may all be in my head but, now that I know they're there, I can feel them. It only bothers me when I'm laying on my left side, which is how I sleep. It just feels like pressure in my ovarian region and is pretty uncomfortable. I'm also peeing a lot more... and it gets pretty painful when I need to make a bowel movement. (HAHA! I have very little reserve on my bodily functions these days). I checked with the nurse to see if I could exercise. It would only make sense that if I can't exercise with 9-10 21mm follicles, that I probably shouldn't exercise with 5 four cm. cysts, right?? Wrong! She said not to do any ab workouts or yoga but that running and cardio should be fine. So, I did the elliptical yesterday thinking that would be a little less bouncy than running. Afterwards, I felt a few sharp pains. Maybe I should hold off on anything other than walking. I'd hate to lose an ovary to cysts and be out of the game for good. *sigh* This really is the pits.

Getting On With Life
I chose to stay busy this summer so as not to wallow in self-pity all day everyday. Luckily, I got to hang with the coolest baby in the world yesterday. Normally, being around babies would kill me. But, this particular baby happens to be the result of a successful IVF and I absolutely adore him. My best friend struggled with infertility for 3 years and got pregnant the first time they tried IVF. I have loved this little guy since he was a growing embryo in the lab.

He got sick on Wednesday and couldn't return to daycare for 24 hours so I got to be Auntie/Nanny for the day! It really made me miss being a nanny. Taking care of babies is totally my jam. We had a blast! The best part was seeing my dog's reaction to him. She was so gentle and tried playing with him. They accidentally played fetch for a while. My dog knew what was going on but Little Dude was just laughing at her and throwing toys. It was precious! Needless to say, yesterday flew by and confirmed that I will have a baby in my life one day, no matter what it takes. It was also nice to see how well the pups adjusted to having a baby around. Good to know.

Today, I'm planning all the adventures for vacation next week. It's the last week of summer for me and we'll be taking a much needed vacay. I can't wait to get away and get my mind off things. My poor husband needs a break too. Work is killing him. He literally works more than 12 hours a day and wakes up to work e-mails on the weekends. He was up til 2 AM on Wednesday prepping for a presentation he had to give for grad school. I seriously don't know how he functions with everything going on. His stress level must be insane!

I'm curious to see the reaction I get when I have to pull testosterone gel out of my bag during the security check at the airport. Hopefully they won't give me a hard time about exceeding the liquid limit for carry-ons.

Cheers to vacation and testosterone rubs!

Trying to play fetch with the baby.
She held that toy in her mouth for at least 10 minutes
waiting for him to take it and throw it.

The Devil Drug and Cysts

Remember this post from July 1st? Round 2... or Not. This was the post where I vented all of my concerns and frustrations over having a cancelled cycle. The one where I mentioned being afraid that I'd end up with cysts from taking Clomid and not making it to an egg retrieval. Yep, well, I was right! Drum Roll Please.... I have FIVE cysts! 4 on the left side and 1 on the right. I want to say that I can't believe it but, honestly, I can. Why would my body want to do anything right at this point?

Let's start from the beginning of today...

The purpose of today's appointment was to go over what happened with the cancelled cycle and learn about the new protocol for IVF Round 3. From my understanding, having a dominant follicle isn't necessarily caused by any particular thing. The RE is optimistic that it won't happen again because it didn't happen with the first round of IVF. She brought up the Karyotype testing, wanting to know why I requested to have that done. Call me crazy! Cause, that's how I felt explaining that I'd gotten the idea from Reddit. She didn't seem too annoyed. But, I seriously felt like a paranoid crazy person explaining my reasoning to her. She went over our individual genetic testing results from January and explained a little more about the chromosomal testing. But, that was the boring part of the appointment. Let's get on to the good stuff.

In discussing the next protocol, I mentioned that I hate Clomid and prefer not to use it. "The Devil Drug" is what I call it. Not only does it cause mood swings, headaches, and hot flashes, but it put me on the bench for 3 months back in early 2015. If you recall from previous posts, the lowest dose of Clomid left me with 4 massive cysts ranging from 4 cm. - 6.5 cm. Also, this drug thins your lining, which is NOT what you want happening when you're supposed to be carrying a baby in there. It's the devil, I tell ya! (For those of you who have conceived on Clomid, I applaud you and congratulate you. I'm happy it worked out for you and I apologize for my raging jealousy).  I reminded her that it had given me cysts before and mentioned that I could have cysts now. She asked if I'd like to do a quick ultrasound to check on that. Well, yes, actually. I thought that was something we HAD to do, but apparently not. Good thing I said something!

Guess what? My husband actually got to go into ultrasound room with me! He can finally see the twat-wand (that's what we like to call the internal ultrasound stick)! I will say that it was awkward with him there. It's a tiny little room and he was literally sitting up against the chair/table I was on. The best part was when I walked out of the bathroom with my pants off and he shockingly exclaims, "Why are you doing that?!?!" It took everything in me not to die laughing. I simply pointed to the twat-wand and said, "I have to do this for the ultrasound." At least he gets it now. He got to see how invasive all of this is. No more modesty for this chick. We're just throwing it all out there for everyone to see! Period or not. Have at it! :)

As soon as my RE stuck the wand in, she saw them. She immediately said, "Okay. No more Clomid for you." I had four 4 cm. cysts on my left ovary and one on my right. My husband was so intrigued with how big they were and watching the screen that I forgot to pay attention to the size of the right one. "I told you it's the devil drug!" I reminded everyone, just for the record. The RE agreed that it is, in fact, the devil. Oh, but the good news is that it made my lining so thin that my period is almost over... on cycle day 2. I'll take short periods any day. Thanks for nothing, Devil Drug.

Our Options due to the cysts:
This next protocol is another 2-cycle deal. It begins with a month of testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone priming. When my next cycle begins, I'll actually begin injecting stimulation meds and prepping for an egg retrieval. This puts us completing IVF Round 3 sometime in mid-September. (Ugh. Makes me nauseous just thinking about how far away that is).

So,
Option 1) Continue with the protocol as planned. Begin taking testosterone and estrogen on cycle day 3 (tomorrow). When my next cycle begins, we'll check for cysts. If they aren't there, we can start IVF! If they are still there, we will stop. Take a break. Wait for the cysts to go away.
Pro: Don't lose any time if the cysts go away by next month. Con: Spend money on testosterone and progesterone and risk not having it be for nothing (if the cysts don't go away). 

Option 2) Don't do anything. Wait a month. Check on my cysts at the start of my next cycle. If they aren't there, move forward and start the priming then. If they are, keep waiting. Pro: Don't spend any money on meds until we know my body is ready. Con: Lose a month. If we start this protocol in August, the egg retrieval won't be until sometime mid-October. Remember, we started all of this back in January. I have diminished ovarian reserve, which means each month we lose is precious time that my egg count/quality continues to decline.

We decided to go with Option 1. I'd rather not waste anymore time. I'm so ready for all of this to just be over. I'm sick of filling my body with hormones and not knowing what to expect. I'm sick of feeling like I'm on the verge of crazy all the time. I'm sick of not knowing what lies ahead or if we'll ever get to have a baby. I'm tired of dealing with money, insurance, pharmacies, paperwork, etc. I just want my life and my body back.

Please, Make This More Difficult
Fertility Meds aren't easy to get. Only certain pharmacies carry them and they aren't in convenient places. The pharmacy holding my testosterone is about 45 minutes away, without traffic. With traffic, it could take up to 2 hours to get there. I called them immediately after leaving the RE's office to see if I could pick it up before the afternoon commute. That's when I learned that my insurance company wants prior authorization from the RE before agreeing to cover the cost of the testosterone. (The pharmacy always runs it through insurance just to see if they'll pay). The pharmacist informs me that they have faxed the paperwork to my nurse and cannot do anything until they hear back from my insurance company. I could either wait or pay out-of-pocket now. The total for this testosterone gel and patch thing is ~$250. It doesn't seem like much until you consider that we have already spent about $40,000 on this whole mess and we're not even close to being done. Today's appointment alone cost more than the testosterone. So, I chose to wait.

This came up when I searched Androgel. ha! Maybe I'll look like
this guy when it's all over?

My nurse called this afternoon to let me know that the prior authorization has been sent, marked URGENT. No matter what, I have to start taking it tomorrow so I'll be forced to pay out-of-pocket if we don't hear back. Reimbursement is an option if they agree to cover it later on. Which means, more fun paperwork! Thank you, insurance companies in America for helping women during such an emotionally difficult life situation. You are so very appreciated. (insert eye-roll).


Me
I left the doctor's office in an odd place. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or go get a glass of wine. I opted for french fries and a frosted lemonade from Chick-Fil-A. I cried on and off for about 30 minutes without really understanding why. Maybe it was from the frustration of all this? I'm just so damn tired of not knowing and I absolutely HATE putting my body through so much. I'm just over it. Done. I can't wait for this to be my past.

So, that's where we're at. I'll pick up this testosterone gel and patch tomorrow and will fill my body with that, estrogen, and progesterone for the next month. Doesn't that sound fun? We will wait another 30+ days to find out if my cysts are gone. I hate this waiting game.

Even Better Broken Arm Sentiments

Here's a brief update before getting into the fun stuff. Today is Cycle Day 1. At this point, I have no idea what that means. We have our "WTF" appointment with the RE tomorrow afternoon. This is when we'll find out what went wrong with the last cycle. We'll get our new protocol and schedule the baseline ultrasound (crossing fingers for no cysts). I was told to being a list of meds I have remaining from the cancelled cycle. I'm hoping we don't have to throw another $5,000 + at medications. Cross your fingers for answers and good news. I so want this round to work so that we can just be DONE!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If you're dealing with infertility and haven't joined the world of Reddit, do it now! The infertility subreddit is AMAZING. It has been my source of sanity since beginning this whole journey. The girls (and guys) on this particular subreddit are the perfect combination of comfort, cynicism, and empathy. I don't know how I'd get through this chaotic mess without such a large, supportive group of women and men.

I'm about to show you some of this awesomeness I'm referring to. I shared the "Infertility as a Broken Arm" logic on the Subreddit and they came up with some even more (hilarious) examples... and reminded me of more of the tactless things people say when it comes to infertility.

More Bingo Phrases:
1) There are so many children out there that need homes. It'd be selfish not to adopt.

2) Be glad you don't have children. It's not easy.

3) I'd give you some of my eggs if I could.
 (Side note: You would not BELIEVE the number of people who have said this to me. Women who have been through menopause have actually said this. Do you really think that your menopausal ovaries can do what my 29/30 year old body cannot?!?! My husband was absolutely astonished at the list of people I gave him that said this to me. People really just don't know what to say. The other odd thing about this list of people is that they all have some sort of issue that could cause them to be infertile).

4) You're just too old now. You shouldn't have waited so long to start trying.

5) Just keep trying and see what happens. If you're not pregnant in 6 months/1 year, come back and we'll try something else.

6) You're so young! You have plenty of time. It'll happen.

7) Just don't think about it. When you stop trying, it'll happen.

8) This isn't so much a phrase as it is a common misconception: You had a baby with IVF. You're fixed! You're no longer infertile. (Nope. Being successful and having a science baby does not mean you're forever fertile. In fact, my best friend had her tubes tied before successfully having an IVF baby. She will forever be infertile and can only get pregnant again through IVF).



Translated into Broken Arm Terms (from the Redditors): 
1) It's really selfish of you to want to repair your arm. There are so many good arms out there looking for a home. (duppyconquerer)

2) Look, having working arms isn't all its cracked up to be. I have 2, and it can be difficult. (littlebells8787)

3) Oh honey, you don't need to use your arm. There are always people willing to help out! Use theirs. (ApricotPickles)
                           -OR- 
"I'd give you my arm if I could."

4) You probably should have used your arm before it got so old it broke like that. That's what old arms do. (sothisisfun)

5) Come back in a year and see if it heals on its own - 80% of arms do. (hopeitlasts)

6) But you are too young to need a new arm. You still have plenty of time to get one. (MarylandHokie)

7) All you need to do is stop worrying about having a broken arm... Just like that, when my third cousin's best friend's sister-in-law stopped worrying about having an arm, BAM! A new arm just arrived suddenly! That's all you need to do!! I'm sure of it! (trendingvampire)

8) Your arm has healed! You can never break an arm again!

*Extras*
Have you tried eating pineapple core during the waxing moon? I hear that mends broken arms. (Alces_alces_)

mrstreymcdougal brought up an excellent point! In most states, infertility treatment is not covered by insurance because it is considered a lifestyle choice. Even though many of the women who struggle with infertility have an actual medical diagnosis that disables them from being able to have children naturally... not their choice. If broken arms were treated like infertility, they would not be covered by insurance. Having a broken arm is a lifestyle choice. You should have been more careful. 

**Thank you beautiful Redditors. You're the absolute best!**

If Infertility Were a Broken Arm

My best friend is beyond amazing! She always knows the right thing to say and has the perfect reaction to all of my bad news and angry infertility stories. She has been living overseas for the past 5 years and came home at the perfect time. Having her help me through this whole process has been the perfect antidote.

She came over for a pool day a couple of weeks ago. It just so happened to be the day after my second IVF cycle was cancelled. So, I was in the ultimate gloom and doom mood. As I was describing my feelings to her, she was able to relate but at a different level. You see, she suffers from depression and anxiety. The more we talked about our individual situations, the more we realized how similar they are. We also realized how people tend to respond to our circumstances similarly. In the infertility world, we call these "bingo phrases."

"Bingo Phrases" aka "What NOT to Say to Someone Dealing with Infertility
1) Just relax. It'll happen when you're not thinking about it.

2) Have you tried <insert vitamin or other natural substance here>?

3) Have you considered adoption?

4) It will happen in God's time.

5) Maybe you're not doing it right. (ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?!?!?!)

6) My best friend's sister struggled with infertility. She finally got pregnant when.... (blah blah blah)

7) Maybe it's just not in God's plan for you to have children.

8) (referring to infertility drugs and IVF) Do you really want to do that to your body?

9) IVF worked for my friend. She has twins now!

10) If you just think about it enough and will your body to let it happen, it will. It's all in the power of the mind. (Someone actually said this to a friend of mine).

11) Are you sure you've tried everything?

There are so many more... I could go on for days.


As my friend and I were comparing stories of things people have said to us regarding infertility, depression, or anxiety we realized that many people just don't understand the pain we feel everyday. My friend made the argument that people only take physical ailments seriously. If it's an unseen illness or struggle, people think it can be fixed so easily and tend not to care as much. There is little sympathy. They try to give you unwarranted advice and only make the situation worse. This is how she came up with the fun notion of substituting infertility with a broken arm. We had a blast coming up with Bingo phrases for someone with a broken arm. Check them out:

If Infertility Were a Broken Arm:
1) Just relax and your arm will heal itself.

2) Have you tried any vitamins or organic foods to help your arm not be broken?

3) Maybe you should just consider getting a bionic arm, since this broken one isn't working correctly.

4) It must have been God's will for you to break your arm.

5) You arm will heal in God's time, no need to take any action in assisting it to do so.

6) Maybe you just weren't using your arm right. That's why it broke.

7) Are you sure you know how to use your arm?

8) Why are you taking pain pills and wearing a cast? Do you really want to put your body through that? *OR* Why did you break your arm? You shouldn't put your body through something like that.

9) My brother's mother's friend's aunt broke her arm a couple of months ago and now she has a new one!

10) If you just think about your bone healing, it will happen. You just have to will it not to be broken anymore.


We were dying with laughter trying to come up with these. It's a great example of how ridiculous people sound when they try to offer advice we don't want.

What can you take from this? If you know someone dealing with infertility (or Depression or Anxiety), DON'T use any of these bingo phrases. Just be there to listen. Offer love and support. This whole thing SUCKS and we just need you to understand that.


Boobs instead of Babies
Before I finish, I've got another "funny" that my best friend and I came up with. (She really is the best). In a discussion about breast implants, we began talking about the price of a boob job. One job is about $4500 where we live. Compared to what my husband and I have spent on infertility, that's pretty freaking cheap! Which led me to wonder, how many boobs could I have for the cost of all my infertility treatment?

The answer: 10!!!

I could have had at least 10 boob jobs. That's 20 new boobs! And so, we planned out my Halloween costume. She says she can make it herself. A gown lined with boobs to represent what I could have if it weren't for my infertility. :) I could look like a pregnant dog... or two!

'Merica

There's not much infertility news to update on but I can tell you that this holiday weekend was AMAZING!

I decided to put my struggles on hold and break some rules. Infertility tends to steal your identity. It makes you feel worthless and overwhelms your brain with all the "What-Ifs." It's exhausting and depressing. For so long I've said, "I just want to be me again." So that's what I did this weekend. I decided to be me.

We did Independence Day the Southern American way. Tubing, drinking beer, shooting off fireworks, smoking ribs, food trucks, and more. IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Quick backstory: I quit drinking in January after our first appointment with the RE. No particular reason except that it seems like a good idea when you're spending thousands to make a baby. Also, control. It's something I can control... unlike my ovaries. Since January, I've had a few alcohol encounters. 

1) A half-glass of wine in March after our second IUI failed. 

2) 2 glasses of wine in April. It was Spring Break and we were about to start IVF. It was kind of like my last fling. 

3) 2 glasses of wine in May (after our failed IVF) and then a drunken night out for a friend's   bachelorette party (which didn't take much since I hadn't been drinking for so long). 

4) 1 beer in June at a friend's wedding and 1 glass of wine after our 2nd cycle got cancelled then 2 glasses of wine at a friend's birthday dinner. 

5) 1 glass of wine in July just because my husband was pouring it for himself and it looked yummy. 

Have you noticed a pattern? It's summer and right now we're still about 1 1/2-2 months out from our next round of IVF so I'm having a hard time convincing myself that no alcohol is a good idea. This weekend, I just wanted to have a good time and BE ME!

So, my husband, dog, best friend, and I loaded up the car and took off to Chattanooga for the weekend to stay with another good friend. First, we went tubing down the Ocoee River with a cooler full of beer and a paddle. We totally missed our take-out point, lost a pair of flip-flops, almost lost my husband, got out at some family's campsite, and had to walk back to get our car. It was fabulous! 

Ocoee River

We stopped for Fireworks on the way home. Our friends smoked ribs for dinner along with boiled artichokes and potato casserole. BEST DINNER EVER! Around 11, we started having fun with our own fireworks and sparklers. 3 of us stayed up til 4 AM talking and laughing about any and everything... and eating Cheetos. Honestly, I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I really needed that time with my best-good friends to just be laid-back and carefree. 

                                             

On Sunday, we went to the Chattanooga Market and indulged in frozen lemonade, food truck tacos, beer, fried donuts, and crafts. My husband and I left with a pair of hand-carved wooden earrings and a new sign for our foyer. I'd say we had a successful trip. 

                                               

Monday was JUST as fun. My husband ran his first 10k in the Peachtree Roadrace. It was hot as hell out there. I decided to drink some coffee while waiting at the finish line (still breaking rules). I don't know how any of those runners made it out alive. I was pouring sweat and ready to pass out just from standing in the heat. But, I'm so proud of him! Hopefully, we can do it together in the future... when my life isn't revolved around the idea of "maybe being pregnant" all the time. 

Peachtree Finish Line

That night, we met up with our newly-engaged friends for beer, food, and fireworks near our hometown. Let me say this again, it was the PERFECT weekend. I woke up a little depressed on Tuesday because I wasn't ready to tell it goodbye. To get rid of my sadness, I tried a new recipe and spoiled myself with some gluten-free brownies. YES!!!

Infertility Updates: We're just waiting on Cycle Day 1 to get here. Calling the clinic on Cycle Day 1 is the only thing I've been told at this point. I think we'll probably do a Day 3 ultrasound to check for cysts and move forward from there. We have an appointment with the RE next week to go over our cancelled cycle and prepare for the next round of IVF. 

Meanwhile, we both had blood drawn for Karyotype testing. Click on the link for a great explanation of this test and why someone may need it: What is KaryoType?

I requested this test myself as it is covered by insurance. I'm part of an infertility thread on Reddit. Many of the girls mentioned having this test done when their embryos couldn't survive to day 5. Their REs recommended it because it could explain why the embryos aren't making it to full blast. It could mean that something isn't right with the sperm, even though everything else with the semen analysis looks great. I know my RE would have suggested this if she had reason to but I wanted it done regardless. It's one less thing we can rule out for the final round of IVF. I just want to know FOR SURE that it's my ovaries' fault before moving onto donor eggs. I'd hate to move to donor eggs only to have the same thing happen. If it's in the sperm, let's find out now rather than later. 

Now, what else can I get into this summer?

Isn't my dog the cutest festive yorkie-poo you've ever seen?

Round 2.... or Not.

Ovulation Drama
Dramatic is an understatement in this case. My body sure knows how to mess with me. Every single cycle I've ever had since starting this whole baby-making journey has been normal. I always get a positive ovulation test around the same time every month. It's clear. Two solid lines. But, when my next round of IVF depends on it... my body decides it's not important... or maybe it was the ovulation test messing with me?? Who knows! All I know is that it caused a lot of stress and anxiety.

I knew that my body was all jacked up from the hormones of the previous cycle so I expected my ovulation day to be a little off. But, the nurse instructs patients to "call if you haven't gotten a positive ovulation test by day 16." Well, I was on day 15 and wasn't having any symptoms of ovulation, AT ALL! I e-mailed to let her know and she scheduled me to come in for an ultrasound and blood test to see where I was in my cycle. The day before my appointment, I kept feeling twinges in my right ovary along with some other symptoms of ovulation, but nothing compared to the usual. That night, there was a second line! It was a little lighter than the control line, which meant ovulation was right around the corner. Typically, I'll get a faded second line the day before a positive. SO, I canceled the appointment and told the nurse I had gotten a positive. 3 days later, I would be starting the Estrace priming to prep for Round 2.

Well... guess what happened? The second line never got darker! I tested for 3 more days and the line consistently stayed a little lighter. Some of them were darker but not as dark as the control. By Saturday night (4 days later!), my tests were back to negative. One line. What does this mean?!?! I was afraid that if I started the Estrace too early, I'd mess up the protocol. But, I was more afraid that I never actually ovulated. I decided to take half of the Estrace dose on Saturday (1 pill, instead of 2) and call the office the next morning. Such a good idea! The nurse told me to continue taking the Estrace as normal and come in for a blood test on Monday. That blood test confirmed ovulation (elevated progesterone levels mean ovulation) and I could continue taking the Estrace. But, I couldn't stop wondering if I had the actual day of ovulation wrong. Did I start taking the pills too early? Should I have taken 2 on Saturday? Should I wait another day to start taking them? ALL THE QUESTIONS and nothing I could do to answer them. Argh.

Protocol Fun
I continued the Estrace for about two weeks and went in for the another baseline ultrasound and bloodwork the first day of my cycle. All looked great and we were set to go!

Step 1: Cetrotide injections each night for 7 days.

What a breeze this was going to be! Only one injection a night.... much better than the 4-5 I was doing before. Here's the story of our first injections for IVF #2:

We have officially started round 2 of IVF! It's a weird protocol aimed at getting mature eggs rather than lots of them. Quality over quantity. It starts with 7 days of Cetrotide. And where did we kick off the fun? In a parking lot behind a brewery with my dress pulled up. :)

We were at a wedding and snuck out between the ceremony and reception. My friend made a joke about us going to the car to "do it." In a sense, we were "making babies" in the car. Trying to, anyway. It was 92 degrees and I had my dress hiked up so he could get to my stomach. A family came out to get in the car next to us. Who knows what they were thinking?? My husband says we look like addicts shooting up. Hahaha! There was no burning like everyone had warned us about and the syringe wasn't too bad. We high-fived as I pulled my dress back down and walked back in. High five to teamwork and getting it done, no matter where you are.

Then, I celebrated with a beer! I haven't had beer since... I don't know?!?! It's been too long! I'm gluten intolerant and they had a gluten free beer. Even though I quit drinking in January (with an occasional wine), I HAD to enjoy what was obviously handed to me. We spent the rest of the night dancing and sweating our asses off. A nice distraction for this infertile brain.

Bathroom Injection Session

This round was full of all kinds of injection fun! I was at my best friend's lake house with all of her coworkers the second night of injections. As luck would have it, all of her friends wanted to go for a boat ride right around the time I needed to do the injection. I disappeared into the bathroom to "quickly" administer the shot but it wasn't mixing correctly. I made quite the mess. Luckily, the pharmacies put extra meds in each dose just in case all of us untrained infertiles jack up the mixing. When I came out of the bathroom, everyone was just standing on the porch waiting for me! Who knows what they thought I was doing? Stomach problems? IBS? How embarassing! 

I also shot up some Cetrotide in the bathroom of a mental illness hospital. Some friends and I went out for Food Truck Tuesday, which just happens to be at a park located in front of a mental health center. They have the bathrooms open for the park so that's where I did my injection. :) 

Step 2: Begin Clomid Cycle Days 9-13

Step 3: Begin Gonal-F injections Cycle Day 11 until egg retrieval

My first monitoring appointment was on Thursday, June 23. I went in for an ultrasound and blood work (estrogen levels). The point of this appointment is to see how things are progressing and to check the growth of the follicles. Remember, ideally, 1 follicle = 1 egg. First, we looked at my right ovary (this is the lazy one that doesn't do much work). I had 4 follicles all between 9-13mm. This was perfect! Then, we moved to my left ovary and I knew immediately, this cycle was probably over. There it was. The black circle of doom! A LARGE follicle dominating the ovary. I had 5 small follicles (all less than 10 mm) and a big ol' 21 mm follicle just ready to ovulate. When the doctor asked if I had any questions, all I could manage was, "If... what... that... ugh... well...I... grrr....hmph....who knows." He simply says, "Let's hope the other follicles catch up." 

I held back the tears as I drove to STEM training for the day. To be honest, I have no idea what anyone talked about in any of the classes I attended. Tears were trying their best to pour out of my eyes and my anxiety was through the roof! The phone call came while I was in a Genius Hour class. It was from the doctor... not the nurse. This is always bad news. The panic attack was starting and I had to get out of there. I went home early and called the doctor back (which is another long story because of how difficult it is to get in touch with a human being at that office). 

We had 2 options: 

1) Continue on with the protocol, starting Cetrotide back up. Hopefully, this would give the other folllicles a chance to catch up and hold the dominant one from ovulating. Check back in two days and decided whether or not we should cancel. 

2) Stop the protocol immediately. (This means we would have to pay out of pocket for the past 3 appointments so that it doesn't count as the 2nd cycle of our Attain Program. This combined with the cost of meds is about $4500 down the drain). 

After listening to my RE sort through the options in her head, I could tell that she thought it best for us to cancel and try again next cycle. I called my husband at work to explain it to him and that's when the crying started. He felt pretty strongly about cancelling the cycle, as well. His reasoning, "If it's already not going as planned and we're having to consider cancelling, we shouldn't risk wasting our last cycle and losing our money." This made so much sense! So, the RE ordered an HCG trigger shot. I drove an hour to pick it up from the pharmacy and poked myself in the ass that night. How ironic that I'm injecting a pregnant woman's piss into my system so that I can ovulate and wait ANOTHER month to start this whole process over again. 

Worse Than A Failed Cycle

Remember how I only cried once over our failed cycle? Yeah, well, I cried for days over this cancelled cycle. I cried on and off four HOURS after we cancelled. I cried in the car, the shower, on the bed, watching TV, looking at my dog. You name it. Everything made me cry. I cried everyday for 4 days. This cancelled cycle really threw me for a loop. I was more upset and depressed about this than I had ever been about anything. I vented my frustrations that night. Here they are:

I'm so irritated for so many reasons. 1) I LOVED being able to do this over summer break. I didn't have to worry about sub plans, using sick days, catching up on missed lessons, explaining why I'm always late or leaving early for appointments. I'm getting enough sleep each night and making healthy meals. I'm not stressed out about anything at all. It has been wonderful! This next cycle will be putting me back in the midst of IVF right at the start of the new year.

2) We did Estrace priming for this cycle. The point was to ensure that all the follicles grew and developed at the same rate in order to create more mature eggs. That was a total loss! Estrace didn't do such a good job, did it? Cause that one follicle took over and screwed it all up.

3) The next protocol is another 2-cycle protocol, which puts our next ER in September! I was so looking forward to being DONE with this. It's our last round of IVF and we're out until we can afford donor eggs. Fail or not, I was so looking forward to having my life back in July. No more meds, injections, or taking 50 vitamins a night. No more worrying about my diet and exercise. But, now, I've got 3 or more months left.

4) I have to go another 2-3 months faking happy all the time. I have another 3 months to worry about which one of my friends will announce her pregnancy (I have 5 friends currently trying!!!). I can't even stand being around them when it gets brought up. That excited aura just kills me.

5) Money. We just lost about $2,000 on meds and will have to pay for the last two appointments out of pocket (so that it doesn't count as cycle 2 on the Attain Program).

6) Cysts. The last time I took Clomid (2014), I ended up with 4 massive cysts that put me out of the game for 3 months. I was weary about taking Clomid for this cycle but the RE assured me it would be okay because they would drain any cysts during the egg retrieval. Since that's not happening anymore, there is a possibility of cysts forming. What if I have to be put on hold even longer because of Clomid and some damn cysts?

  

And now.... we're waiting for that period to come along so we can start again...

PS: Cetrotide was HORRIBLE! After a few days, I started getting dull headaches. I was bloated. My stomach broke out into an itchy rash! Blagh! I hope I never have to inject that stuff again. 

Check out the disgusting bumps and bruises from just 5 injections of Cetrotide. All for nothing. :(