10 Weeks Today!

Today, I am officially 10 weeks pregnant. The baby has graduated from an embryo to a fetus. This is starting to seem a little more real. Today is also the last day of PIO injections and other medications! I think I'll be celebrating with a glass of sparkling white grape juice tonight.





It has been quite a while since I updated the blog. I blame it on the holidays and the fact that every time I sit down, I doze off. But, I am so excited to update today because I'm still pregnant (eeek! Still so weird to say!) and things seem to be going well.

Ultrasound #2
Our second ultrasound was on November 8. I went alone to this one because we knew it'd be really quick and didn't want to use up Mr. Merman's time off. This ultrasound was so incredible for so many reasons. First of all, I got to see the baby's heart beating! My RE told me to take a video for Mr. Merman. (I love her so much)! I've watched it a hundred times since that day. I'm so thankful that she allowed me to video this as we'll always have it and that special memory. Baby's heart rate was at 174 and was only measuring a day off. Due to the great news, we officially graduated from the RE. It was surreal!

I went in around 3:30 in the afternoon. I'm assuming I was the last appointment because no one was there and they immediately called me back. The phlebotomist shouted a big, "CONGRATULATIONS!" as the nurse was walking me to my room. After the ultrasound, my RE gave me a parting gift (a baby spoon with "Best Wishes" engraved on it) and a huge packet of my paperwork from my time spent with their office. She told me that I better send pictures and that she couldn't wait to meet my baby. As I was leaving, the receptionist shouted another congratulations and told me to come back and visit with Baby. By the time I made it to the elevator, my eyes were filled with joyful tears. I GRADUATED!!!

Ultrasound #3
My first appointment with the OB was a week ago. My husband and I went together as we didn't know what to expect. My best friend told me that they won't do another ultrasound til week 20 so Mr. Merman thought he better come see this one. We waited at least 45 minutes before being called back, at which point I thought I was going to pee all over myself. Once we were finally called into the room, she informed me that they didn't even need a urine sample! All that tortuous holding for nothing. Argh.

The ultrasound tech was so great about letting us look at the baby for a while. She even let us take a short video. We could see him/her wiggling around while watching the heartbeat. We also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time! I could have laid in that chair listening to the heartbeat forever. It was such an amazing experience that I thought I'd never get to have. Baby was measuring exactly 9 weeks with a heart rate of 189. He/she was slightly larger than an inch. They measured my cervix and checked all my anatomy. The ovaries were cyst-free and everything looked perfect.

We met with a midwife to go over the basics and next steps in pregnancy. It was all a bunch of stuff I already know but was good to hear. My next appointment is on Dec. 16 but won't include an ultrasound. I may have to work some charming magic to get one out of them. I'd really like to be able to see my baby to make sure it's still in there. Pregnancy after infertility is so nerve-racking.

Announcements
We've slowly been announcing to people over the past couple of weeks. Hiding a pregnancy is extremely hard but I think it has been even more difficult for us because of the infertility journey we went on. So many people know of the journey and knew we were taking extreme action. Naturally, this leads to lots of questioning and support. We can only make up excuses for so long.

We told my parents 2 weeks ago. We invited my mom and stepdad to lunch. After we ordered our food, I told them I had something to show them. Mr. Merman started recording as they opened their gifts. We gave Mom a onesie that says, "Hello Granny! Coming June 2017." My stepdad opened the frame that we made with the ultrasound picture in it. They were surprised and thrilled! My mom almost started crying. After that, we drove to my dad's to give him a birthday present. It was a shirt that says, "Grandpas are Dads Without Rules." I taped an ultrasound picture to the top of the tissue paper so that he would see it as soon as he opened the gift. It took him a minute to process what was happening but as soon as he did, he got really excited.  It felt so good to FINALLY be able to tell my parents. I think we may have overwhelmed my dad as we laid the whole infertility story on him at the same time. I explained everything we had been through over the past 3 years to get to this point. He seemed a little shocked but said he knew something was up cause he knew we started trying years ago.

We sent the announcement frame to Mr. Merman's parents in the mail. I wrote "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL YOU CALL US" all over the box in red marker. They ended up getting the package a day early so we FaceTimed them when Mr. Merman got home from work. I think they had an idea of what it was because of the nature of the situation. But, it didn't change their reaction at all. His mom started tearing up and his dad just kept saying, "We were hoping!" It was the sweetest reaction and they couldn't have been happier.

                

 

I finally told my sister and niece this past Monday. I gave my sister a mug that says, "The Best Sisters Become the Coolest Aunts" and gave my niece a t-shirt that says, "Best. Cousin. Ever." My niece immediately knew what it meant but my sister thought I was just giving her a mug to remind her what an awesome aunt I am (hahaha). It wasn't until she saw my niece's shirt that it clicked. She screamed my name then started jumping up and down clapping as she ran to hug me. It was, by far, my favorite reaction. My niece is so excited to possibly share her birthday with her new little cousin. Although, she did admit that she didn't want to spend her birthday in the hospital.

I've told a few friends this week and am still in the process of telling some more. As for now, we're just telling the people that are closest to us and knew about our struggle. My friends have been so incredibly supportive. Two of my girlfriends came over Wednesday and I had the "Big Sister" bandanna on the dog. Another one of my closest friends is coming by in a few hours. She's the one that announced her pregnancy just before we did our transfer, which was devastating. But, now, I'm so extremely excited to tell her that we're just 10 weeks apart and get to experience becoming mommies together! I'm pretty sure she'll cry, which will make me cry, and I can't wait! I've been so excited about telling her so that we can share our pregnancy stories & go through the process together.

Pregnancy Updates
I've officially gained 1 whole pound. It feels like a lot more but I guess that's just because I'm bloated. I look and feel pretty normal in the mornings. By the end of the day, my belly seems huge. I broke down and bought a maternity bra because my other bras just keep shrinking and are getting very uncomfortable. ;) I also bought a belly band. I can still wear most of my jeans but am struggling to squeeze into my dress pants for work. The belly band will make it possible for me to continue wearing my normal clothes for a while longer. I wore it for Thanksgiving yesterday and LOVED it.

I'm not really having any cravings. I just get really hungry and need food immediately. It's like this ravenous hunger that can't be stopped. Sometimes, I get headaches and nausea if I don't eat right away. However, I did go on a wild cheese rampage last week. Everything I ate was covered in some type of cheese, especially cream cheese. MMMmmm!!!

So far I haven't had any morning sickness. I've definitely experienced some extreme nausea though. I found some organic ginger tea that seems to help. I guess that replaces the coffee I used to drink by the pot before getting pregnant.

Getting up in the middle of the night to pee has ceased to exist, thankfully! I try not to drink anything after 8 PM and always pee right before getting in bed. I've been able to sleep for about 6 hours before waking up to pee. It's AMAZING! I don't know if it's the hormones or what but I'm so glad I'm no longer getting up to pee all throughout the night. I need a few more weeks of good solid sleep before the years of no sleep begin.

The tiredness seems to be getting better. I've been off all week and getting TONS of sleep so maybe that has something to do with it. We'll see how I feel next week when I get back into the work routine. I've been pretty productive this week and proud of myself for actually getting some chores done around the house.

My 8-week Art Work... 2 weeks later

Thanksgiving
This was our year to do Thanksgiving with the in-laws. But, I wasn't comfortable flying or driving 18 hours during my first trimester so we stayed home. Instead, we hosted Thanksgiving at our house for the first time ever! My mom, stepdad, and sister came over. I'd say it was a successful holiday gathering! Luckily, Mom was in charge off all the hard cooking. I just made some gluten-free sides and pumpkin pie cheesecake.

For the first time in years, I was able to actually fully enjoy the holiday. I wasn't a big ball of depression. I wasn't thinking about how we were celebrating yet another childless holiday season. Instead, I was focused on actually being thankful and feeling happy. I was able to imagine what it will be like having a 5-month old next Thanksgiving and it was a GLORIOUS feeling! Several people have commented that something is different. They tell me that I seem more happy and alive. Trust me, it was a long road but totally worth it to be where we are now. This year, I'm thankful for the friends and family that supported us throughout the journey. I'm thankful that we were able to come up with the funds needed to make this pregnancy happen. And, most of all, I'm thankful that I have a little baby swimming around in my uterus right now. I'm still in complete shock that this is actually happening.

Our First Ultrasound

Ultrasound
Yay! We made it to the first ultrasound!! I was beyond nervous going into it. When I woke up Tuesday morning, there were no hunger pains and I didn't have to run to the bathroom. Automatically, I thought something must be wrong. I kept waiting for the hunger to kick in but it never did. This weird, terrible feeling took over me and I couldn't function. I ended up sitting on the couch under a blanket, playing on my phone, trying to pass time quickly so that we could just see our baby already!

When we finally got there, my husband expressed his excitement but could tell that I was nervous. Thankfully, they called us back immediately. The RE turned the screen away before starting the ultrasound. I was taking big, deep breaths as I prepared to hear that something was wrong. Then she said, "There is that little embryo with a heart beat!" She turned the screen so that we could see it and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Going into this day, I imagined that I'd cry tears of joy or squeal at the mere excitement of seeing our embryo for the first time. But, neither of those happened. I was frozen. I just stared in disbelief as she described what was on the screen. Mr. Merman didn't make a sound either. Eventually, I gave a little clap and said, "YAY!" Looking back, I imagine the RE and nurse thought we were the least excited couple to finally be looking at our baby.

If I recall correctly, our little chocolate chip was 5 mm long. I was 6 weeks 4 days at the time but was measuring 6 weeks 1 day, give or take 2 days. I'm not going to let that worry me though. It's close enough. We'll go back in next Tuesday for another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hopefully, there will be some growth and we'll be able to graduate to an actual OB. Now, all my focus is on making it to Tuesday. EEeeekk!!

Our teeny-tiny embryo and yolk sack

PIOs
That's right! I am still doing nightly progesterone injections. In fact, I'm still taking Estradiol 3x a day along with the baby aspirin and lots of other vitamins. The injections have become so routine now that I barely even think about them. My butt is starting to get a little itchy from all the alcohol wipes. The nurse told me that I would remain on meds until 12 weeks. But, the RE told me I'd only be on them until 10 weeks. I'll have to check on that again soon. It makes me nervous to think about stopping the progesterone, especially if I'm not seeing my RE anymore.

I've become quite the pro at giving these to myself. I much prefer Mr. Merman to do it but when the timing doesn't work out so well, I'm all in! In fact, I shot myself in the ass in the bathroom of a movie theater a couple of weeks ago. I packed all the supplies in a little tupperware container and carried it in my purse. When it was time, I sneaked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and gave myself the injection.

Bathroom Shots!

Diet and Exercise
I started exercising again. My best friend and I have been participating in a series of 5k's this year. The final one was last weekend and I couldn't miss it. In preparation, I slowly began walking again, building from a quarter mile, to a mile, then 2 miles, and so on. By the time Saturday rolled around I was ready to go! I finished in exactly 59 minutes and 59 seconds. But, who cares? I got to walk it with one of my dear friends and talk all about IVF, pregnancy, babies, and more! It was the perfect start to the day.

My goal is to go on a 2 - 3.5 mile walk at least 3 times a week. I may start on the elliptical when the weather gets cold. I'd like to remain as healthy and as fit as possible for me and Baby P.

My hunger hasn't been nearly as bad this week. I've been trying to squeeze in veggies as much as possible. I'm adding a lot more spinach to my smoothies. I'm also tossing it into my scrambled eggs in the mornings. I bought some peppers to eat with hummus. Baby P decided he/she doesn't like asparagus so I've had to switch up my lunch veggies. I'm trying green beans this week but it's starting to make me nauseous when I eat those too. This is so not good! I need all the healthy nutrients I can get! But, I'm still getting my share of ice cream, cupcakes, and crackers. My favorite thing right now is graham crackers and peanut butter. YUM!!

my sweet walking buddy

Insurance/Maternity Leave
Open Enrollment is happening right now. I decided to use my free time on Tuesday to call and ask about maternity leave before making any decisions. Can I just say how fucked up maternity leave in America is? Yes, I do have short-term disability which will allow 6 weeks of leave with a natural birth and 8 weeks for a c-section. What I'm currently enrolled in will pay me 50% of my salary during that time off. But, will I actually get to use this (already shitty) form of leave? Nope! I have to exhaust all of my sick days before I can start short-term disability.

There are so many shitty factors in this situation! First off, I've been saving up my sick days for 8 years in preparation for a baby. My thinking was that I'd have a lot to use when the baby or myself got sick. I had no idea I'd be using them up for my maternity leave!!! Secondly, I currently have 55 sick days, which is past the 6-8 week short-term disability leave limit. This means that I won't be able to use disability at all. Lastly, all the fucking male teachers in my county get to save up all of their sick days forever! They don't have to use them when a baby is born because they're men. No wonder my dad was able to retire with an extra year of sick days added to it. HE NEVER HAD TO GIVE BIRTH!
And to top it all off, I'd have about 15 more sick days than I do now if I wasn't infertile! I had to use up a lot of my days just to get a baby. It's all just really unfair.

I was so upset when the lady was explaining this to me on the phone. My heart was racing. What happens if I want to have another kid (wishful thinking)? I won't have any sick days left! What happens when my baby gets sick and I have to leave early? Oh, that's right. No sick days left. I'll just leave without pay. No biggie. It's not like I've spent more than a year's salary on making this baby and will have an increased budget because I'm finally getting one. Who needs money anyway?

Canada looks better and better everyday

Even with all of the bad, there is still some silver lining. I'm due in June, which just so happens to be summer break. Therefore, I'll already be off and won't have to use any time at all. My sick days will kick in when the school year starts. This means that I may be getting 3-4 weeks of time off with my baby before I even have to touch my sick days! Once the year starts, I'll be able to take 9 weeks (45 days) off and then I'll get another free week of leave for fall break in September. Depending on how much leave I have left at the time, I'll probably take an additional 2 weeks in October before going back. This means that I'll get more than 12 weeks at home with my baby. I never thought this would be a possibility. Good thing I started saving up my sick days years ago.

But, I'm still mad at America and the way they treat women (on many issues).

Pregnancy Announcements
Nothing is going as planned in this department. As of now, 3 of my best friends know about the pregnancy. They've been my support through this entire ordeal and were the first people I wanted to tell. Mr. Merman was so excited when we got the news, so he shared it with 1 of his best friends. These are people we trust and love. They can truly join in on the happiness we're feeling at the moment as they've been there every step of the way. However, we also know that if anything were to go wrong, they would be the ones we could turn to for love and support. I also shared the news with a friend at work as we were both going through IVF/infertility at the same time. It was nice to have someone I actually knew in person (rather than online) to cycle with. She texted the morning of our Beta to offer encouragement and support so I was beyond thrilled to respond with the positive news. These are the only people who know at this point and we're hoping to keep it that way for a bit longer.

Just take a wild guess at what all went wrong this week. First and foremost, a friend approached me at work claiming that she knew my secret while rubbing her belly. I denied it and will continue to until I'm ready for people to know. Can I just tell you how much stress and anxiety this has caused? Not only am I rationally upset but I'm also sorting through the hormones that heighten my mood, trying to decipher what a normal reaction should be. Part of me wants to cry, part of me wants to scream, and part of me just wants to ignore it and hope it goes away.

I've waited YEARS for this moment. I'm finally able to say I'm pregnant. I'm still telling myself this everyday because it's so hard to believe. It's also hard to convince myself that it might actually last. I'm constantly fighting thoughts of what might go wrong: Will they see anything on the next ultrasound? Is life really going to let me have my way? My family doesn't even know yet! And now we're dealing with this. Someone knows without our consent. I'm not okay with it. What if she slips and tells someone else? What if she tells my boss before I get to? What if she slips on social media? What if something does go wrong and I have to explain it to yet another person, someone who wasn't even supposed to know?

Mr. Merman and I have been working on how we plan to share the news with the different groups of people in our lives, which includes people at work. I was hoping to tell my bosses after Thanksgiving. They've been very supportive in giving me time off and being flexible with my schedule. I even promised one of them that she'd be the first person I tell (at work). My next plan was to tell my former teammates on the last day before Christmas break. These 3 ladies also know about the struggle and I know how excited they would be for me. That way, the important people know and we can announce on social media over Christmas. When we all return to work after the holiday break, I'll be about 16 weeks. It's perfect timing! But now, I'm having to rethink my plans. Should I tell my bosses sooner? I'd hate for them to find out from someone else. Will this person share the news before I get the chance to? Now I'm feeling more rushed about telling my family and close friends. Ugh. I think I am going to cry now. Stupid hormones.

Family:
As you may recall, we had planned to tell my parents this weekend. I was going to talk my mom into grabbing Starbucks with me tomorrow afternoon so that I could tell her one-on-one. Then, we'd meet up with Mr. Merman and my stepdad to announce the news to him. I even bought little announcement gifts and paid extra for speedy shipping. My Dad's birthday is Sunday so his gift was going to be the announcement!

As luck would have it, my mom decided to go visit my Grandmother this weekend (5 hours away!). So, we're going to have to rethink all of this and try again sometime soon. Hopefully next weekend? I'm dying to tell them!

We bought supplies to make an announcement/countdown picture frame for the in-laws. We'll be working on those this weekend. The plan was to mail it to them (they live 4 states over) and tell them they have to Facetime us while they open it. But, now we may have to postpone that too. Argh! I know I shouldn't be stressing over all of this but what happened at work has really messed with my head.

Anyways, stay tuned as we try to work through our announcement drama. :)

Happy
Even with all that's going on, I'm happy. I'm living each day one at a time. I wake up every morning to check the pregnancy app and remind myself that I am, indeed, pregnant. I'm soaking in every second and holding on to hope that this really is the start of our new life as parents.

Check out my artwork from last week.

I'm 7 weeks today!

Pinch Me. I'm Dreaming.

I've been wanting to do a new post all week but just couldn't muster up enough energy. Let's see if I can stay awake long enough to finish this post tonight. :)

Infertility/Pregnancy Updates
It seems as if an entire lifetime has passed since we got the good news. In reality, it's been less than 2 weeks since we found out that the transfer worked. But, so much has changed in that short time!

First of all, I'm still not sure that I believe it. There are times that I start wishing I had more symptoms just to reassure myself that I'm actually pregnant. Crazy, right? I think this will change once we have our first ultrasound. You know the saying, "I'll believe it when I see it"? Once we see that tiny little chocolate chip on the screen, I think it'll be easier to believe.

Betas
We found out we were pregnant last Sunday, October 16. On Monday, our RE called and left a congratulatory voicemail. She apologized that she wasn't the one to give us the good news but wanted us to know how happy she was for us. This meant so much to me. When a doctor works hard to make sure you have the best possible care and invests time into making sure you're getting exactly what you need, it feels great! I never once doubted her decisions nor did I doubt that she was doing everything in her power to make sure we succeeded. Everyone needs to experience being the patient of a doctor who truly cares about you as a person. I wish all infertile women could see my doctor!

I went in for another blood draw on Tuesday. A successful, progressing pregnancy should see doubling beta levels every other day. On Sunday, my HCG was 410. Tuesday's test showed that I was at 795. This is great and totally normal. But, I freaked out a little because it wasn't exactly doubled. Our next beta wasn't until Saturday. (So far away!) I woke up every morning hoping and praying that I was still pregnant. Saturday finally came and my HCG was at 3120. Whoo-hoo!! Things seem to be progressing perfectly.

The next step is our very first ultrasound! Hearing the nurse say that we needed to schedule our first OB appointment was like music to my ears. Me? Mrs. Infertile? Mrs. No Eggs? Mrs. Old Ovaries? I get to go to an obstetrician for an ultrasound to look at an actual embryo?! In my uterus?! Unbelievable.

The countdown to ultrasound #1 is on! We are scheduled to see that little nugget on Tuesday, November 1st. I decided to take the day off so that I could just enjoy the moment....Okay, fine. That's not entirely true. I'm incredibly worried that the ultrasound will reveal a complication. All of this just seems too good to be true. As hard as I try to push the worry out, it's too easy to imagine everything that could still go wrong. I'm taking the day off for my sanity, to make sure I have time to process any news we get, and to rest. Hopefully, we'll get to spend the day celebrating a healthy pregnancy (so far).

Enough with that talk! For now, I'm pregnant. This may be the only time I ever get to be pregnant. I'm working on trying to enjoy it. But, it's hard not to worry about every little thing. PTSD after infertility is totally a thing and it's depriving me of the joy I should be feeling at this moment.

What's New? 
Imagine our shock when we found out that I was already 4 weeks, 2 days pregnant when we got our first positive! I got to skip a few weeks! Today, I am 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant with a due date of June 23rd. The embryo has only been in my uterus for 3 weeks but I'm almost 6 weeks along. It's like I got a bonus pass for an extra 3 weeks of pregnancy.

I downloaded the Glow Nurture app and absolutely love it! It's very personalized and gives daily articles and information that directly correlate to me and my pregnancy. Mr. Merman was able to join as my partner so that he can see all of the updates and articles too. I love waking up every morning to see what's happening with Baby P. This week, his/her eyes, heart, and brain are forming! Hopefully, we'll be able to see that tiny heart beating on Tuesday.

I know it's really early but I've already ordered some announcement goodies for our parents. Originally, we talked about telling them in person at Thanksgiving but it's so hard to wait that long! I want my mom to be able to share in the joy. I want my in-laws to be able to celebrate with us as they've been so supportive throughout this entire journey. I'd like to finally tell my Dad what all we've been through & why I've crawled into a hole for the past year. If our ultrasound goes well, we will most likely tell our parents next weekend. I'll be 7 weeks pregnant at that point. If we were to have a miscarriage or some other complication, our parents would be the first to know so I think it's totally fine if we tell them at 7 weeks.

Symptoms
First and foremost, I am beyond exhausted. In fact, I'm going to have to end this post soon because I can barely stay awake. The exhaustion is so intense that I almost fell asleep standing up more than once yesterday.

I'm also experiencing dizziness, random bouts of nausea, dry mouth, tender breasts, intense hunger, and frequent trips to the bathroom. I started a bathroom log because it just didn't seem right that I was going so often. Sometimes, the trips interrupt meals! It's ridiculous.

I'm pretty bloated, especially at the end of the day. I've had to unbutton my pants as soon as I leave work everyday this week. I'm paranoid that people are going to notice the bloat because all of my clothes are form-fitting.
I read that you are only supposed to eat 300 extra calories during the first trimester so I've added rice to my lunch (baked chicken breast and asparagus) so that I'm not overeating all day long. However, when the hunger hits, I have to eat immediately or I feel like I'm going to pass out. I keep a bag of pretzels and a bag of cheerios with me at all times for these circumstances. I've already experienced the midnight snacking a couple of times. When the hunger wakes you up, you eat!

Other than that, I feel pretty normal and have to keep repeating, "I am pregnant. I'm pregnant. This is real life."

Okay, this Mermaid needs some sleep. I hope this post made sense. I'm too sleepy to edit and revise... maybe tomorrow. :)

I'm totally going to be that pregnant woman.
I think I've earned it. 

Is This Real Life?

I'M PREGNANT!

We got the call around 12:30 today and it was a positive! I think I'm still in a state of shock... trying to wrap my head around this craziness that can't be reality... can it? Oh. my. gosh.

Earlier This Week

A few things happened this week that made me so emotionally crazy. I'll begin with the scary things. (Beware. This gets a bit personal so you may want to skip it). On Friday, I went to the bathroom at work and noticed that the toilet paper was pink. Quickly, I wiped again and saw that there was a little piece of something very similar to what happens during my menstrual cycle. I rushed back to my office and began googling all of the options. I knew that it couldn't be my period because Progesterone prevents that from coming but I've also heard of girls starting their periods anyways. An ugly cry took over my body for a minute as I considered myself dooomed. Not pregnant. End of the biological baby road. My girlfriends were texting me trying to help me calm down. But, I was a mess. The rest of the day was spent running back and forth to the bathroom to check for more spotting. Nothing else ever happened. I started wondering if I had made it all up in my head. Hallucinations? Hormones officially making me insane? I even thought it was the universe's way of preparing me for bad news. Needless to say, it was terrifying. 

Now, for the not so scary. Remember how I said that I was peeing all the time in my last post? I finally discovered that if I put a pillow between my knees during the night, I didn't have to get up and go as much. I sleep on my side so, my legs being together is squishing my bladder. The pillow gives it more room so I only pee once or... drum roll... ZERO times! I didn't get up to pee at all for the past two nights and it was blissful. However, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous I would feel if we found out that I'm not pregnant and I've been sleeping with a pillow between my legs. 

We spent yesterday with some friends in the city. They invited us to a brewery because they got free tickets. I knew I'd want to be busy this weekend so I agreed to be the designated driver. Luckily, I'm gluten-free so it wasn't super awkward for me not to drink. The day flew by! We had such a great time touring the brewery, catching up with friends, and drinking (or watching people get drunk in my case). Afterwards, we went out to dinner at a taco bar that was so gluten-free friendly, I almost cried. By the time we got home, I was exhausted and in disbelief that our beta was less than 12 hours away. 

Touring the Brewery

Beta- HCG- Finding Out We're Pregnant 

Anxiety and nervousness took over last night. Sleep only lasted a few hours. It took a while to finally fall asleep and then I woke up every hour checking the clock wondering how much longer til we could leave?!

I finally gave up around 5:30 AM and rolled out of bed. I took the dog out, made some waffles, and watched "I Love Lucy." It was actually a rather enjoyable morning. We finally hit the road around 7:20 AM. I had butterflies as we pulled in. Because it's the weekend, we had to drive to the furthest location and you never know which doctor, nurse, phlebotomist, etc. will be there. Lucky for me, the phlebotomist from my home location was there today! She remembered me and my weak veins, wishing us luck as we left. While she was drawing my blood, I asked if they would also be testing the progesterone and estrogen levels. She asked, "Did you take a pregnancy test this morning?" "No! I was good. I resisted and am waiting for the results today," I said. Her response was, "Oh. Well, if you had gotten a positive at home, we would run those tests. But, we'll just test your HCG today." This confused me a little as I was thinking I had done a good thing by not testing at home. 

We left the doctor's office around 8:15AM, stopped so Mr. Merman could get coffee, then parked ourselves on the couch as we anxiously awaited the phone call that would forever change our lives. 

It. felt. like. forever. We didn't talk much. I couldn't stay focused on anything. TV, movie, book, nothing worked. I was so nervous I couldn't eat or drink without feeling like I was going to puke. 

The call finally came at 12:26 PM. I shouted, "It's them!!!" and put the TV on mute. I put the phone on speaker so that we could both hear the doctor say, "Congratulations! It was positive. You're pregnant!" My HCG level is a 410, which the doctor said is pretty high and very strong. As soon as I hung up the phone, my husband rolled over to hug me and we just held each other in that sweet embrace for a few minutes as we both came to terms with the news that we just heard. About 3 years of trying, a lot of science and medical intervention, a few ten-thousand dollars, and we're finally expecting. (Even the dog was celebrating as she ran up my husband's back and started licking my face). 

Shortly after getting the news, I decided that I wanted to pee on a bunch of sticks so that I could see the first positive we've ever had. I expected it to be very light in color since it's so early on and since it wasn't first morning urine. But, it instantly showed two lines on all 3 test strips. Call me crazy, but I've been carrying one stick around with me all day just so that I can look at it. It's still so unbelievable! 

What Now?

According to the IVF calculators, I'm 4 weeks and 2 days along. My due date is June 23. We will go back on Tuesday for another blood draw to make sure the HCG numbers are doubling (they should be 820 or higher). As happy as I am at this moment, I know that I will spend the next 10 weeks fretting over every little thing that could possibly go wrong and hoping that everything goes right. 

But first, we will celebrate by going out to eat Frozen Custard. Our usual celebration spot. 

This day is currently the best day of my life. 

31 Years of Emotions

Birthdays
Most people don't realize it but birthdays are difficult when you're dealing with infertility. Am I thankful for another year of life and for all that I have in my life? YES! Of course. But, it's also a huge reminder that another year has passed and I still don't have children. Yesterday was a day of mourning and celebration as I hit 31 years of age.

Even so, I tried to make the most of it. I enjoyed a very small dinner with 3 of my best girlfriends on Saturday. (I don't feel like being around a lot of people right now, especially since I don't even know if I'm pregnant or not). We enjoyed some Mexican yumminess and ice cream. Afterwards, one of my friends got to join in on the IVF fun by giving me a PIO injection. She was a pro! I didn't even feel that massive needle entering my butt. Like I always say, my friends are the BEST!

I treated myself to a blowout yesterday. If you've never had one of these, go get one now! The afternoon consisted of a scalp massage, neck massage, hand massage, relaxing hair wash, and complete and total blow drying and styling of my hair. Expectations exceeded! It was extremely relaxing. Why haven't I done this before?!?!

My mom came by to drop off a gift. I haven't told her about the transfer so I had to quickly hide all of the paperwork, meds, and needles from the kitchen table. The temptation was real. I was dying to grab our embryo picture and tell her all about it. But, I decided to wait. If this does work, I'd like to make it as normal as possible with a surprising "you're a grandma!" announcement in a couple of months.

Mr. Merman did good this year! He's been listening over the past few months. He bought me a few items that I've mentioned in recent conversations. My favorite gift was the new pair of shoes! Surprised is an understatement. I was so shocked, touched, and pleased with all he did. I wasn't expecting anything and ended up with some pretty amazing gifts and a showering of love. We went out for birthday dinner then chilled at home. It was a perfect night!

Check out my new Chucks!

Infertility/FET Update
Let's start with all the fun side effects of Progesterone and Estradiol.

1. I'm peeing like there's no tomorrow. This started before the transfer and has progressively gotten worse. I'm up at least twice a night peeing, even though I stop drinking water at 7:30. I pee every chance I get while at work. Sometimes, I'll turn a certain way and the pee feels like it's going to come pouring out. I even had to sneak back into the building during a fire drill today because I couldn't hold it in. I pee before I leave work because I know I have a 30 minute drive home. But, I can barely make it home before I have to go again! I'm running in the door to pee as soon as I get here. It's a little insane... and a bit annoying. 
2. This may be a little too much information but my bowel movements are also insane. Progesterone can slow down the digestive system but Estradiol can cause upset stomach/diarrhea. So, I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of those two. I constantly have to go but it's just a little because the progesterone is slowing it down. Basically, I live in the bathroom now.
3. I have waves of nausea and dizziness. The dizzy spells are quite often but go away quickly. The nausea comes on pretty hard and fast. It usually helps if I eat something or drink some Ginger Ale (my new best friend). Last night got pretty intense. I had a little bout of nausea when we got home from dinner and almost threw up 3 different times. I was burping and gagging every few minutes. Sexy, right?
4. Hot flashes. The hot flashes are always followed by intense nausea. Thankfully, I haven't had many of these. The worst was during 3rd grade math yesterday. I was working with one of my small groups and suddenly felt like I was suffocating in a sauna. I threw my sweater off so fast the kids noticed and started asking what was wrong. Then the nausea hit and I had to leave a few minutes early to get out of there!  
5. Irritability/Mood Swings. I can feel myself becoming irrationally angry/irritated. One second, I'm super happy. The next minute, I'm depressed. And then I'm mad but don't know why. My patience is wearing thin. I first noticed it at work with the students. If they weren't catching onto the math strategy I was teaching, I got abnormally irritated with them. Luckily, I'm able to keep it in check so I don't go nuts on those poor, innocent children. Another example was when the waiter was taking his precious time getting our check at dinner last night. I felt so on edge that I was ready to go hunt him down and give him a piece of my mind. But, why??? We were in no hurry at all! In all honesty, I feel absolutely crazy. 

Speaking of mood swings...

I've been on this incredibly happy high since the transfer last Thursday. I've let hope consume me and have basically convinced myself that it worked. Even though I'm resisting them as much as possible, the pregnancy thoughts are creeping in. When will I be due? How old is our embryo today? (12 days) What will we name him/her? How will we announce it to my friends and family? How much of our infertility journey am I willing to share? How far along will I be at my best friend's wedding? Where will I shop for maternity clothes? Etc.

It has been pretty exciting because I've never actually been able to think this far along before. I feel like I'm walking around holding in this happy little secret that I can't wait to tell! But, it's a dangerous place to be in because what if? What if it doesn't work?

...

Yesterday, my mood took a turn for the worst. Out of nowhere, an eerie feeling suddenly took over me. It's a really feeling to describe. I was sitting in my office working when it happened and felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. There is a very real possibility that that embryo didn't implant. After all, we've never been able to get pregnant. What if implantation is an issue we don't know about yet? 

This is when the unhappy thoughts began creeping in. Will we really be done trying after this? What will I do if we get a negative? Should I just make an "infertility" announcement on FB and let the world know? How can we get more money to keep trying other options? How will I be able to function as I watch everyone around me start their families? Can this really be my life?

It has been really difficult for me to shake that dark feeling. I can't help but think that it's a sign of what's to come. Maybe this terrible feeling is reminding me to be realistic so that I'm not so devastated when we find out that it didn't work.

I just wish I knew already! It's so tempting to take an at-home test. Mr. Merman pointed out that it could show a false negative because it's so early. But, Sunday seems so far away!

At this very second, I feel numb. I've gone from one extreme to the next and I'm tired of feelings. Can I just sleep til Sunday?

Cloud Nine

Look at our beautiful embryo! It's perfect in every way! I can't believe this tiny microscopic embryo is floating around (or sticking) in my uterus right now. This is the closest we've ever been to getting pregnant and it feels so surreal.

Day 6 Hatching Embryo
after thaw, before transfer

Transfer Day

Sleep was sporadic the night before. I'd been so worried about staying hydrated that I woke up to pee about 3 times during the night. My dreams were oddly vivid as I went back in time to when I was a nanny with newborn twins. Why was I dreaming about that? Maybe because being a nanny is the closest I've ever come to being a parent? The subconscious mind is such an interesting place.

My husband was up bright and early to take care of the dog while I laid around in bed dozing off and on all morning... willing time to pass quickly. As I laid there, I planned out my attire for the day based on what was happening. The instructions said to wear something comfortable so I knew I wanted to wear yoga pants. But, what else? I've always read about women who wore special/lucky socks to retrieval and transfer. So, in the spirit of the season, I settled on wearing my witch socks. Witches perform magic, much like these doctors are doing with the science behind our transfer. As for my shirt, I decided to wear something that says, "HOPE." Because, for the first time in a long while, there is a glimmer of hope in sight. Hope that we will one day become parents. 

Hope, Magic, Science, and Faith are all working together to make this happen. Does that sound like a recipe for success or what?

                              

While enjoying my low sodium breakfast of unseasoned eggs and water (blagh!), Mr. Merman surprised me with a bouquet of roses. Happy Transfer Day to us!

I followed all of the procedures and started chugging my 32 oz. bottle of water an hour before our scheduled time. I ate another bland, low-sodium granola bar to go with the Xanax and Ibuprofen. As we sat in traffic, hoping to make it to our appointment on time, I started feeling restless. It was finally time to be maybe pregnant!  

Upon arrival, we both changed into our transfer clothes. Mr. Merman got to put on scrubs and a mask while I put on a gown and covered my witch socks with special hospital socks. 

Apparently, I didn't drink enough water. By the time they called us back, I'd had 40 ounces of water and hadn't peed in over an hour. The initial ultrasound showed that my bladder wasn't full enough. They showed me where the bladder was in relation to the uterus and explained that it needed to be fuller to push the uterus down. Having it down makes the transfer easier because they don't have to go in at such a weird angle. (Maybe it was the Xanax but I just thought this was the coolest thing ever). Back to the private waiting room I went to guzzle down more water. An hour later, my bladder was finally full enough. Thank goodness! For the record, I blame this problem on being a teacher. Holding in water and coffee for up to 8 hours (sometimes longer) has to have something to do with this. My bladder is trained not to fill up too fast. 

Anyways, we both got to go back to the operating room. I climbed up on the table and got my legs placed into the massive stirrups. (It's the same room they use for egg retrieval). The nurse gave me a heated blanket. That, along with the Xanax was making it very hard to stay awake. I was so relaxed! The embryologist came in with the picture of our embryo and explained that it had thawed perfectly. She told us that it was already beginning to hatch and was at the perfect stage for transfer. My RE was the one who did the transfer (which makes me so incredibly happy). Both her and the nurse commented on how perfect the embryo looks. Because it was already hatching, my RE told me that it would be implanting within 24-48 hours! But, the thing that keeps replaying in my mind is how the embryologist reiterated, over and over, that "this embryo is perfect and doing exactly what it should be doing." Talk about reassurance! This is exactly what I needed to hear. 

As of now, it has been about 33 hours since transfer. What if the embryo has already attached?!?!?! EEeeeeekkk!!!

The transfer was completely pain-free and easy, other than really having to pee. They placed a speculum in and cleaned off the cervix. The nurse was performing an ultrasound so that the doctor could see what she was doing. This means that I had someone pressing down on my pelvic region while someone else was sticking things in my hoo-haa. ;) My RE walked us through each step and explained what was happening on the screen. She did a trail transfer prior to the real thing to make sure that the catheter was in place and that they could easily get into my uterus. When ready, she called for the embryologist to bring the embryo. Then, she transferred it into my uterus through the catheter. "It's like a shooting star." They put an air bubble behind the embryo so that you can see it entering the uterus on the ultrasound screen. And, that was that! They printed a picture for us to keep. At that point, I wanted to cry tears of joy. It just felt so good to finally make it this far in our journey. This is the closest we've ever been to getting pregnant. I have an embryo in my uterus!

The circle shows where it went into my uterus and the plus sign shows where it's at.

Afterwards, I was instructed to pee before getting dressed and heading home. As much as I wanted to pee, I was also afraid to be pushing anything out so soon after transfer. So, I just sat on the toilet forever, waiting for my body to do it's on thing with minimal effort from me. I wonder if anyone else has done that?

GIVE ME ALL THE SODIUM!

The first thing I did once we were in the car was polish off a bag of sour cream and onion chips. I was so hungry for something tasty and just couldn't stop eating. We ran by the store to pick up another prescription before heading home.That Xanax knocked me out! I spent the rest of the day enjoying the best sleep I've ever had. When I awoke, all I could think about was ice cream. So, we made a trip to the local frozen custard shop and had a nice little treat. We ended the night curled up on the couch watching a Marvel movie until my husband couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. 

Fluffer Nutter and Pumpkin Joe Custard with Chocolate Chips

Today, we both got to sleep in. Then, we went to brunch and a movie. (Go see Mrs. Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. It was so good!) Once again, I spent the afternoon sleeping. I don't know why I'm so tired but every time I sit down to read, write, or watch TV, I fall asleep. But, I'm not complaining because...

I'm officially Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!

Prepping for the big FET

It's finally here!!!!!!!! Our frozen embryo transfer happens tomorrow! All of the imaginable feelings are coursing through my veins right now: excitement, anxiety, nervousness, sadness, fear. Maybe the PIO has something to do with the random tears I've had throughout the day. Regardless, I am SO. VERY. READY.


Day Before Protocol (Today)
I went in for a blood draw at 8AM today. They checked my estrogen and progesterone levels to make sure I was ready for transfer. My estrogen was at 259, Progesterone at 33. It's a go!

All of the same drugs continue today:
Estradiol (3 times a day), Prenatal, Medrol (with dinner), PIO injection, low-dose aspirin
I also continue to take my daily vitamins (D, C, and DHA)

The protocol demands that I follow a low sodium diet and stay super hydrated today.
Curiosity got the best of me, so I inquired about the low sodium diet. According to my nurse, this helps the person stay hydrated. If I'm eating too much sodium, the water/hydration is going to "other things" and they want it all going to the bladder. They want the bladder full to help tilt the uterus for good embryo placement. In short, too much sodium can dehydrate a person and they need me fully hydrated.

So, I've had some pretty bland food today. My usual breakfast smoothie was low sodium so that was good. Other than that, I've had scrambled eggs (lunch and dinner). A Gluten Free, low sodium granola bar (barf), and a yogurt parfait. I can't wait to eat something salty!

Drugs for today and tomorrow

Day of Protocol (tomorrow)
Are you ready? There's a lot of instructions for tomorrow. I'm afraid I'll forget something!
First of all, we're scheduled for 11:15. (EEeeekkkkkk!!!)

Before transfer
- Continue low sodium diet until after FET
- No make-up, perfume, baby powder or talcum powder, and no cologne
- Start drinking water 2 hours before arrival time (9:15)
- 1 hour before arrival (10:15), drink enough water to fill bladder and take the following:
    Xanax (this ensures that I'm calm and relaxed for the transfer)
    800 mg. Ibuprofen w/food (this helps relax the muscle of the uterus)

After transfer
- Take Doxycycline with lunch and dinner
- Minimal activity for the rest of the day
- Continue all the other normal meds (listed above). These will continue until the pregnancy test
- No intercourse or exercise for two weeks (other than walking)

Meanwhile
I spent today staying as busy as possible. It was almost like I was nesting. I did the laundry, dishes, cleaned the bedroom and kitchen, took out the trash, stopped for gas, and hung the Halloween lights outside in between working a half day and going to the doctor. I also managed to squeeze in a final, relaxing bubble bath. Mr. Merman and I took the next two days off of work and I thought it'd be nice to have a clean house to spend our 4-day weekend in. Less chores = less stress.

The coolest Halloween spider lights on the block!

One of my best friends surprised me yesterday with a special goody box for the weekend. She asked me to meet her in the parking lot at work. When I walked out of the gym doors, she was holding a grey box filled with goodies for me and Mr. Merman. She made sure they were all gluten free and even reminded me to use the Starbucks giftcard on decaf coffee. How did I get so lucky?! My friends are absolutely amazing and have been the best support system during this entire ordeal. I'm so excited about digging into my treats tomorrow.

We finally made it to transfer. I think I'm still in shock.

I'm going into tomorrow with hope and will allow myself to feel excited but will also know that there is a very realistic chance that it may not work. Maybe hope will win this time?

Time will only tell...

Life is Unfair

It happened. I was just thinking how lucky I was to make it to the end of my infertility journey without experiencing a close friend getting pregnant.

I've been so excited about getting to the end of this journey. I'm so ready for it to be over. And I'm so ready to just know if we'll be childless or if we'll be parents.

I currently have 5 friends trying to get pregnant. They all started trying in Spring/Summer. My one request to them all (only because the timeline works out) was to just wait until my IVF treatment was over. I knew that if any of them succeeded, they would be about 12 weeks along when we were finished. So, I just asked that they don't tell me until we've reached the end.

And then, it happened. Today I found out that one of my closest friends is 11 weeks. Her wedding was in April. I was in the midst of the 2 week wait for my final IUI before moving onto IVF and I was 5 days late. I spent the entire wedding weekend trying to focus on being a good bridesmaid but also being careful, just in case I was pregnant. I ran to the bathroom to check for a period every hour. I stayed sober. I did a lot of sitting so that I didn't wear myself out. But, as soon as I got home from the wedding weekend, my period started. The IUI had officially failed. And now she's pregnant. She's the one planning a gender reveal, preparing a nursery, and thinking of possible names. She got pregnant 3 months after getting married. And I'm still trying to hold on to every ounce of hope I have left, 3 years into trying, 6 years into marriage, 10 years into our relationship.

I'm sorting through my feelings right now. I'm jealous. So extremely jealous. I'm also happy for them. She has always talked about how we'd all be mommies together and dreamed of the days when we'd all have little ones running around together while we sipped on glasses of wine. She's so lucky that she didn't have any problems getting pregnant. And it makes my stomach turn. I want to barf.

Honestly, I just wish it could have waited 2 weeks. Maybe that's selfish but, fuck. I get to be selfish and whiny because infertility fucking sucks. I'm so close to being finished. I've been taking such good care of myself in preparation for this FET. I'm having an amazing weekend treating myself to all things that make me happy. Then this news just comes along and punches me right in the gut. Apparently, it couldn't wait just two weeks because she's ready to announce on Facebook and is trying to plan her gender reveal for October.

My husband is the one who told me, thanks to the most amazing best friend in the world. The pregnant friend called this friend (we'll call her Kay) to tell her the news first. Like I've said before, Kay has been my rock through this whole ordeal. She tried to talk preggo friend into waiting 2 weeks to announce, but couldn't. So, Kay called my husband, crying out of hurt and concern for me, to let him know what was going on. She wanted him to tell me so that it wasn't a shock and I'd have time to process the information. She is beyond amazing for thinking of this perfect idea. I'd much rather have my husband tell me at home than to be blindsided when preggo calls to tell me. She's supposed to text tomorrow with the news. I wonder how she'll word it? Thank goodness I'm prepared!

Right now, I'm thankful for awesome friends like Kay who know exactly what to do. I'm thankful for an amazing husband who allowed me to vent my anger and supported me with words of encouragement. And, I'm thankful that my friend didn't have to experience infertility. But, I'm also hurting.

I've been feeling at peace about this upcoming FET. And now I've got this pregnancy announcement looming over my head, taking over my thoughts. How much harder will it be if this fails and I have to continue going through each milestone of her pregnancy? I hate feeling jealous, sad, hurt, angry. I haven't cried yet... but I can feel it coming.

Infertility Update
My first PIO (progesterone in oil) injection was tonight. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I had Mr. Merman read the directions, watch a video, then tell me how he was going to do it. Just like a student. He got to see the teacher in me come out tonight. hehehe.

I'll admit, I was pretty terrified of the massive needle. But, it didn't hurt. It was just a weird feeling as the thick liquid went in. It's feeling a little sore now but not too terrible.

Mr. Merman set me up with a heating pad and blanket on the couch afterwards and declared that he'd make a great doctor. :) The heat is supposed to help the PIO flow a little better and prevent swelling. We'll up the dose a little tomorrow. Oddly, I'm looking forward to it because it's something we have control over. I just hope it's worth it.

Fall Break and FET Prep

I must start this post by wishing my puppy dog a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
She's 2 years old today. I bought her some birthday treats but I think we'll wait to give them to her tomorrow. She's been feeling a little under the weather and worrying me to death. As any infertile with a pet knows, these are our babies. I love her so much more than I ever thought was possible. I've never even wanted a dog nor did I think I'd enjoy having one. But, she has been my best friend through all of the ups and downs of infertility. I don't know what I'd do without my little baby girl.

The Birthday Girl!

Fall Break
This week is fall break! Whoo-hoo! A whole week off of work. It hasn't been nearly as relaxing as I'd hoped but it sure has been productive.

Dermatologist: I want to the derm on Tuesday for a full body check. My sister had melanoma which puts me at an increased risk. This means that I must go once a year to get checked out. I have unusually bad dandruff and a super itchy scalp which sometimes breaks out into a red rash, so I had that checked out. The diagnosis: seborrheic dermatitis. Basically, I have cradle cap for adults. A special shampoo and cream was prescribed. I called the pharmacist and asked if it was safe to take this medication if I am pregnant. Of course, the answer is no. Go figure! Just another way that waiting on a baby that may never happen is effecting my life. I'll just continue to have an itchy, yeasty, flaking, red scalp. (Gross, I know). Good thing I have super long, thick hair. No one will notice except for my poor hair stylist... who also happens to be my sister. *insert evil laugh here*

While at the dermatologist, I had my very first age spot removed. It's above my eyebrow and has been driving me crazy. The doc said I was too young and she didn't want to tell me that it was an age spot. While she's saying this, I'm thinking, "Well, my ovaries think I'm in my 40's, why not my face?" I have a feeling I'll age poorly. Anyways, I had that removed and am now waiting for the scab to start peeling away. Can't wait until it's healed and gone!

Puppy Woes: As I said before, my poor dog has been sick. It started on Tuesday. She wasn't eating or drinking normally. She refused to go outside and was shivering all over. I found diarrhea in our closet and on the bathroom rug. I finally got her to eat and drink that night and figured she'd be fine. But, she was up and down all night that night. I got zero sleep and took her out at 3 AM thinking she might have diarrhea again. When I woke up the next morning, I couldn't find her anywhere and started freaking out. (She normally sleeps in a ball curled up against my chest). I finally found her sleeping in our closet and there was more poop in the bathroom. She was shivering again so I took her to the vet. He thinks she just has colitis, which basically means swollen lower intestines and diarrhea. They wanted to do an x-ray to make sure she didn't eat anything but I said no (too much money). They gave her an anti-nausea medication and sent us home with antibiotics. They took a poop sample and will call with results if anything abnormal comes back.

Everything seemed great. The shot they gave her was working wonders. She was running around, eating, drinking, and slept great! Once that wore off, she seemed a little more lethargic. She didn't poop for well over 24 hours so I got worried again. Around 7 last night, she finally pooped and ate her dinner. Then, we played ball and I figured all was well.....

This morning, I woke up to her shivering like crazy again. I took her out and she could barely walk up the stairs. She refused to eat or drink and then fell when trying to jump up on the couch. She was walking with her butt down and acting really funny. I have no idea what's going on! I've taken her out several times cause she keeps sniffing her butt like she needs to go. Nothing. She took a few bites of food but that's it. If she's not better by tomorrow, I think we'll be doing the x-ray. This is definitely not good timing but I'm glad I'm off this week and able to tend to her. What a horrible way to spend her 2nd bday! :(

Sister Update: My sister is doing pretty awesome considering what her piece-of-shit husband has put her through. She has always been strong and independent and I admire how well she seems to be dealing with the situation she is in. She found even more concrete evidence that he was cheating, which I think has motivated her to continue moving forward with her life. She got herself a hot new Mustang convertible and a pretty tattoo. She's going out with girlfriends and living it up. I know it's still incredibly hard for her and don't doubt that she's hurting but she's my hero! I'm amazed at how level-headed and mature she has been through this entire process. I don't think I could do it.

I kept my niece this past weekend so that my sister could go out with a girlfriend. We took her out to play putt-putt golf and eat Mexican food. I tell you what, dealing with a teenage preteen that just hit puberty is a lot of work. She's a mess and I love her! I asked her how she was feeling about the divorce with her mom and stepdad. She didn't give a clear response but we did get on the topic of how things will be different now. Somehow, this turned into a conversation about how much better life will be without him in it. She seems to be handling it rather well. It's hard for me to understand how she may be feeling as this is her stepdad and she's much older than I was when my real dad left my mom. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong, tough woman just like her momma!

Excuse the language but I think this is
the perfect quote for both me and my sister. 

Fall: It's finally fall! The week started out super hot and summer-like. I went jogging Monday morning and by the time my jog was over, the sun was glaring down on me. I thought I was going to melt. This morning, I woke up to 52 degree weather! What?!?! That happened way too fast!

I cleaned the entire house and reluctantly decorated for fall yesterday. This is my absolute favorite time of year. Football, pumpkin everything, cute clothes, beautiful weather, and my birthday. But, the holiday season brings out a lot of feelings and mixed emotions. I'm afraid that having a failed FET (frozen embryo transfer) during this season will ruin it for me. I'm afraid I'll always think about and be reminded of our loss when fall rolls around. As I was decorating, I got teary-eyed. Every year, for the past 3 years, I've imagined that the next year, we'd be celebrating the holidays with a little one. I always tell myself that we'll decorate more and do fun crafts once we have a little one to join us. Yet, here were are, coming up on another holiday season in which it will just be us again. No little person to celebrate with. It's like mourning the loss of someone that never even existed.

Exercise: Being able to exercise again has been AMAZING! I think I've said this before but I feel great! I'm running a 5k in the morning with one of my best friends. With an FET coming up next week, this will probably be my last 5k for a while so I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it. My husband commented on how amazing I'm looking the other day. He couldn't believe it was from working out again after such a short time. My thoughts are that the lack of IVF meds and exercise has a huge impact on that. It made me feel so good that he noticed a difference though. I kind of feel like me again. :)

The best place for a fall jog

Infertility Updates
I've been taking Estradiol for about 2 weeks now. I'm up to 3 pills a day. I haven't noticed any crazy side effects, thank goodness. I'm still taking Vitamin D, prescription prenatals, DHA, baby aspirin, and Vitamin C each day.

My daily meds in preparation for the FET.

Today was my mid-cycle check. They did an ultrasound to check my lining, which was 8mm. A lining of between 8 and 13 mm is considered ideal for IVF treatment. Anything less reduces the chances of a transferred embryo from implanting. Low estrogen levels and poor uterine blood supply are sometimes responsible for inadequate growth. (https://www.ivfadvantage.com/preparing-uterine-lining). This is great news! I'll continue to take the estrogen pills as it thickens even more. If it had been thin, we would have had to reschedule the FET for next month and adjust the hormone levels. Thank goodness that didn't happen!

The nurse just called with my hormone levels. Estrogen is at 273, progesterone is at 0.3.  This is normal so we are good to continue with our protocol! The nurse drew targets on my butt for the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections that my husband will begin giving me tomorrow. As I was standing there, in the ultrasound room, half-naked, letting this woman draw circles on my butt, I couldn't help but start laughing. Not sure she thought it was funny, but hey! I threw my dignity out the window ages ago. I'm now sporting two beautiful black circles on each side of my ass. SEXY!!

Totally TMI but it makes me giggle.
It's good to find humor in some of this. 

Also, I had 20 follicles! TWENTY!!!!! I've never had more than 12. Go freaking figure that the one cycle we're not doing anything at all with my ovaries, I end up with more follicles than ever before. ARGH! My body hates me sometimes. All I know is that it better freaking take this embryo in and hold it tight while it grows and grows to become a little human being. I'm so ready to get this show on the road!

My current form of relaxation. I won't be able to do this after the transfer! 

My husband's job let him borrow this awesome car for a few days.
We had a blast driving around, imagining we were rich folks.
 Seriously, though, the cost of all our infertility treatments
could have gotten us this car.
(The driver's seat will give you a freaking back massage while you drive)!

(PS: Piper just ate all her food and drank all of the water in her bowl. HALLELUJAH!)