Life is Unfair

It happened. I was just thinking how lucky I was to make it to the end of my infertility journey without experiencing a close friend getting pregnant.

I've been so excited about getting to the end of this journey. I'm so ready for it to be over. And I'm so ready to just know if we'll be childless or if we'll be parents.

I currently have 5 friends trying to get pregnant. They all started trying in Spring/Summer. My one request to them all (only because the timeline works out) was to just wait until my IVF treatment was over. I knew that if any of them succeeded, they would be about 12 weeks along when we were finished. So, I just asked that they don't tell me until we've reached the end.

And then, it happened. Today I found out that one of my closest friends is 11 weeks. Her wedding was in April. I was in the midst of the 2 week wait for my final IUI before moving onto IVF and I was 5 days late. I spent the entire wedding weekend trying to focus on being a good bridesmaid but also being careful, just in case I was pregnant. I ran to the bathroom to check for a period every hour. I stayed sober. I did a lot of sitting so that I didn't wear myself out. But, as soon as I got home from the wedding weekend, my period started. The IUI had officially failed. And now she's pregnant. She's the one planning a gender reveal, preparing a nursery, and thinking of possible names. She got pregnant 3 months after getting married. And I'm still trying to hold on to every ounce of hope I have left, 3 years into trying, 6 years into marriage, 10 years into our relationship.

I'm sorting through my feelings right now. I'm jealous. So extremely jealous. I'm also happy for them. She has always talked about how we'd all be mommies together and dreamed of the days when we'd all have little ones running around together while we sipped on glasses of wine. She's so lucky that she didn't have any problems getting pregnant. And it makes my stomach turn. I want to barf.

Honestly, I just wish it could have waited 2 weeks. Maybe that's selfish but, fuck. I get to be selfish and whiny because infertility fucking sucks. I'm so close to being finished. I've been taking such good care of myself in preparation for this FET. I'm having an amazing weekend treating myself to all things that make me happy. Then this news just comes along and punches me right in the gut. Apparently, it couldn't wait just two weeks because she's ready to announce on Facebook and is trying to plan her gender reveal for October.

My husband is the one who told me, thanks to the most amazing best friend in the world. The pregnant friend called this friend (we'll call her Kay) to tell her the news first. Like I've said before, Kay has been my rock through this whole ordeal. She tried to talk preggo friend into waiting 2 weeks to announce, but couldn't. So, Kay called my husband, crying out of hurt and concern for me, to let him know what was going on. She wanted him to tell me so that it wasn't a shock and I'd have time to process the information. She is beyond amazing for thinking of this perfect idea. I'd much rather have my husband tell me at home than to be blindsided when preggo calls to tell me. She's supposed to text tomorrow with the news. I wonder how she'll word it? Thank goodness I'm prepared!

Right now, I'm thankful for awesome friends like Kay who know exactly what to do. I'm thankful for an amazing husband who allowed me to vent my anger and supported me with words of encouragement. And, I'm thankful that my friend didn't have to experience infertility. But, I'm also hurting.

I've been feeling at peace about this upcoming FET. And now I've got this pregnancy announcement looming over my head, taking over my thoughts. How much harder will it be if this fails and I have to continue going through each milestone of her pregnancy? I hate feeling jealous, sad, hurt, angry. I haven't cried yet... but I can feel it coming.

Infertility Update
My first PIO (progesterone in oil) injection was tonight. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I had Mr. Merman read the directions, watch a video, then tell me how he was going to do it. Just like a student. He got to see the teacher in me come out tonight. hehehe.

I'll admit, I was pretty terrified of the massive needle. But, it didn't hurt. It was just a weird feeling as the thick liquid went in. It's feeling a little sore now but not too terrible.

Mr. Merman set me up with a heating pad and blanket on the couch afterwards and declared that he'd make a great doctor. :) The heat is supposed to help the PIO flow a little better and prevent swelling. We'll up the dose a little tomorrow. Oddly, I'm looking forward to it because it's something we have control over. I just hope it's worth it.