Our First Ultrasound

Ultrasound
Yay! We made it to the first ultrasound!! I was beyond nervous going into it. When I woke up Tuesday morning, there were no hunger pains and I didn't have to run to the bathroom. Automatically, I thought something must be wrong. I kept waiting for the hunger to kick in but it never did. This weird, terrible feeling took over me and I couldn't function. I ended up sitting on the couch under a blanket, playing on my phone, trying to pass time quickly so that we could just see our baby already!

When we finally got there, my husband expressed his excitement but could tell that I was nervous. Thankfully, they called us back immediately. The RE turned the screen away before starting the ultrasound. I was taking big, deep breaths as I prepared to hear that something was wrong. Then she said, "There is that little embryo with a heart beat!" She turned the screen so that we could see it and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Going into this day, I imagined that I'd cry tears of joy or squeal at the mere excitement of seeing our embryo for the first time. But, neither of those happened. I was frozen. I just stared in disbelief as she described what was on the screen. Mr. Merman didn't make a sound either. Eventually, I gave a little clap and said, "YAY!" Looking back, I imagine the RE and nurse thought we were the least excited couple to finally be looking at our baby.

If I recall correctly, our little chocolate chip was 5 mm long. I was 6 weeks 4 days at the time but was measuring 6 weeks 1 day, give or take 2 days. I'm not going to let that worry me though. It's close enough. We'll go back in next Tuesday for another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hopefully, there will be some growth and we'll be able to graduate to an actual OB. Now, all my focus is on making it to Tuesday. EEeeekk!!

Our teeny-tiny embryo and yolk sack

PIOs
That's right! I am still doing nightly progesterone injections. In fact, I'm still taking Estradiol 3x a day along with the baby aspirin and lots of other vitamins. The injections have become so routine now that I barely even think about them. My butt is starting to get a little itchy from all the alcohol wipes. The nurse told me that I would remain on meds until 12 weeks. But, the RE told me I'd only be on them until 10 weeks. I'll have to check on that again soon. It makes me nervous to think about stopping the progesterone, especially if I'm not seeing my RE anymore.

I've become quite the pro at giving these to myself. I much prefer Mr. Merman to do it but when the timing doesn't work out so well, I'm all in! In fact, I shot myself in the ass in the bathroom of a movie theater a couple of weeks ago. I packed all the supplies in a little tupperware container and carried it in my purse. When it was time, I sneaked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and gave myself the injection.

Bathroom Shots!

Diet and Exercise
I started exercising again. My best friend and I have been participating in a series of 5k's this year. The final one was last weekend and I couldn't miss it. In preparation, I slowly began walking again, building from a quarter mile, to a mile, then 2 miles, and so on. By the time Saturday rolled around I was ready to go! I finished in exactly 59 minutes and 59 seconds. But, who cares? I got to walk it with one of my dear friends and talk all about IVF, pregnancy, babies, and more! It was the perfect start to the day.

My goal is to go on a 2 - 3.5 mile walk at least 3 times a week. I may start on the elliptical when the weather gets cold. I'd like to remain as healthy and as fit as possible for me and Baby P.

My hunger hasn't been nearly as bad this week. I've been trying to squeeze in veggies as much as possible. I'm adding a lot more spinach to my smoothies. I'm also tossing it into my scrambled eggs in the mornings. I bought some peppers to eat with hummus. Baby P decided he/she doesn't like asparagus so I've had to switch up my lunch veggies. I'm trying green beans this week but it's starting to make me nauseous when I eat those too. This is so not good! I need all the healthy nutrients I can get! But, I'm still getting my share of ice cream, cupcakes, and crackers. My favorite thing right now is graham crackers and peanut butter. YUM!!

my sweet walking buddy

Insurance/Maternity Leave
Open Enrollment is happening right now. I decided to use my free time on Tuesday to call and ask about maternity leave before making any decisions. Can I just say how fucked up maternity leave in America is? Yes, I do have short-term disability which will allow 6 weeks of leave with a natural birth and 8 weeks for a c-section. What I'm currently enrolled in will pay me 50% of my salary during that time off. But, will I actually get to use this (already shitty) form of leave? Nope! I have to exhaust all of my sick days before I can start short-term disability.

There are so many shitty factors in this situation! First off, I've been saving up my sick days for 8 years in preparation for a baby. My thinking was that I'd have a lot to use when the baby or myself got sick. I had no idea I'd be using them up for my maternity leave!!! Secondly, I currently have 55 sick days, which is past the 6-8 week short-term disability leave limit. This means that I won't be able to use disability at all. Lastly, all the fucking male teachers in my county get to save up all of their sick days forever! They don't have to use them when a baby is born because they're men. No wonder my dad was able to retire with an extra year of sick days added to it. HE NEVER HAD TO GIVE BIRTH!
And to top it all off, I'd have about 15 more sick days than I do now if I wasn't infertile! I had to use up a lot of my days just to get a baby. It's all just really unfair.

I was so upset when the lady was explaining this to me on the phone. My heart was racing. What happens if I want to have another kid (wishful thinking)? I won't have any sick days left! What happens when my baby gets sick and I have to leave early? Oh, that's right. No sick days left. I'll just leave without pay. No biggie. It's not like I've spent more than a year's salary on making this baby and will have an increased budget because I'm finally getting one. Who needs money anyway?

Canada looks better and better everyday

Even with all of the bad, there is still some silver lining. I'm due in June, which just so happens to be summer break. Therefore, I'll already be off and won't have to use any time at all. My sick days will kick in when the school year starts. This means that I may be getting 3-4 weeks of time off with my baby before I even have to touch my sick days! Once the year starts, I'll be able to take 9 weeks (45 days) off and then I'll get another free week of leave for fall break in September. Depending on how much leave I have left at the time, I'll probably take an additional 2 weeks in October before going back. This means that I'll get more than 12 weeks at home with my baby. I never thought this would be a possibility. Good thing I started saving up my sick days years ago.

But, I'm still mad at America and the way they treat women (on many issues).

Pregnancy Announcements
Nothing is going as planned in this department. As of now, 3 of my best friends know about the pregnancy. They've been my support through this entire ordeal and were the first people I wanted to tell. Mr. Merman was so excited when we got the news, so he shared it with 1 of his best friends. These are people we trust and love. They can truly join in on the happiness we're feeling at the moment as they've been there every step of the way. However, we also know that if anything were to go wrong, they would be the ones we could turn to for love and support. I also shared the news with a friend at work as we were both going through IVF/infertility at the same time. It was nice to have someone I actually knew in person (rather than online) to cycle with. She texted the morning of our Beta to offer encouragement and support so I was beyond thrilled to respond with the positive news. These are the only people who know at this point and we're hoping to keep it that way for a bit longer.

Just take a wild guess at what all went wrong this week. First and foremost, a friend approached me at work claiming that she knew my secret while rubbing her belly. I denied it and will continue to until I'm ready for people to know. Can I just tell you how much stress and anxiety this has caused? Not only am I rationally upset but I'm also sorting through the hormones that heighten my mood, trying to decipher what a normal reaction should be. Part of me wants to cry, part of me wants to scream, and part of me just wants to ignore it and hope it goes away.

I've waited YEARS for this moment. I'm finally able to say I'm pregnant. I'm still telling myself this everyday because it's so hard to believe. It's also hard to convince myself that it might actually last. I'm constantly fighting thoughts of what might go wrong: Will they see anything on the next ultrasound? Is life really going to let me have my way? My family doesn't even know yet! And now we're dealing with this. Someone knows without our consent. I'm not okay with it. What if she slips and tells someone else? What if she tells my boss before I get to? What if she slips on social media? What if something does go wrong and I have to explain it to yet another person, someone who wasn't even supposed to know?

Mr. Merman and I have been working on how we plan to share the news with the different groups of people in our lives, which includes people at work. I was hoping to tell my bosses after Thanksgiving. They've been very supportive in giving me time off and being flexible with my schedule. I even promised one of them that she'd be the first person I tell (at work). My next plan was to tell my former teammates on the last day before Christmas break. These 3 ladies also know about the struggle and I know how excited they would be for me. That way, the important people know and we can announce on social media over Christmas. When we all return to work after the holiday break, I'll be about 16 weeks. It's perfect timing! But now, I'm having to rethink my plans. Should I tell my bosses sooner? I'd hate for them to find out from someone else. Will this person share the news before I get the chance to? Now I'm feeling more rushed about telling my family and close friends. Ugh. I think I am going to cry now. Stupid hormones.

Family:
As you may recall, we had planned to tell my parents this weekend. I was going to talk my mom into grabbing Starbucks with me tomorrow afternoon so that I could tell her one-on-one. Then, we'd meet up with Mr. Merman and my stepdad to announce the news to him. I even bought little announcement gifts and paid extra for speedy shipping. My Dad's birthday is Sunday so his gift was going to be the announcement!

As luck would have it, my mom decided to go visit my Grandmother this weekend (5 hours away!). So, we're going to have to rethink all of this and try again sometime soon. Hopefully next weekend? I'm dying to tell them!

We bought supplies to make an announcement/countdown picture frame for the in-laws. We'll be working on those this weekend. The plan was to mail it to them (they live 4 states over) and tell them they have to Facetime us while they open it. But, now we may have to postpone that too. Argh! I know I shouldn't be stressing over all of this but what happened at work has really messed with my head.

Anyways, stay tuned as we try to work through our announcement drama. :)

Happy
Even with all that's going on, I'm happy. I'm living each day one at a time. I wake up every morning to check the pregnancy app and remind myself that I am, indeed, pregnant. I'm soaking in every second and holding on to hope that this really is the start of our new life as parents.

Check out my artwork from last week.

I'm 7 weeks today!