Our Plans for Future Gender Reveals
Before we ever started trying; long, long ago, in the days of fun-filled love making, naive conversations of having 3-4 children, and trying to figure out if we could make ends meet if I became a stay-at-home mom. Way back in those days, before we spent our retirement trying to make a baby, we used to talk about how we wanted to find out the gender of our child. My husband always said he didn't want to know until the day the baby was born. I wanted to find out sooner so that we could decorate and plan accordingly. But, the more we talked about it and the closer we got to trying, the more I started to like his idea of waiting. So, it was decided. We wouldn't know the gender of our child until he/she was born.
Here we are, YEARS later. We've been through a year of infertility treatments, with many failed cycles. Our sex life has gone from timing-it-perfectly to getting-it-in whenever we can between treatments and orders from the doctor to "abstain from sex." Our conversations consist of what we'll do if we can't have children, how we'll make ends meet now that we've spent every penny. Our whole idea of the future has completely shifted. But, we have an embryo. FINALLY, we have gotten far enough in the IVF process to transfer one precious embryo. Maybe, just maybe, we'll actually get to fulfill one small portion of our dream for the future.
Embryology Report
Yesterday, during my lunch break, I got an e-mail from the nurse with an attachment. She simply wrote, "Here is the information on your embryos." I've been e-mailing and asking her if I could meet with the RE to get more information on them. I wanted to know the grade of our PGS normal embryo and what was wrong with the abnormal one. So, I assumed the attachment had all of this information. I opened it and started scrolling through when, BOOM! I saw those letters! The two chromosomal letters that determine gender. In shock, I tried to scroll past it really fast. But, it was too late. I had already seen them. I know the gender of our two embryos. I was not ready for this!!! I didn't want to know.
We had one of each gender. The two embryos that made it to blast were a boy and a girl. (I won't type the actual gender of the one we will transfer for many reasons). I wish I didn't know! It took a while for me to sort through my feelings on this. I cried a little over the thought that we will never have a biological child of a certain gender, because it was the abnormal embryo. I was saddened by the thought that if this doesn't work, I know exactly what I'm losing. And, it upset me to think that I found out the gender all alone, at work, unexpectedly. I'd prefer to have been with my husband. It would have been nice to find out together at a time when we were ready.
Infertility ruins everything! Will anything ever be normal??
I debated whether or not to share what I knew with my husband. At first, I figured that I'd just wait to see if the transfer takes, if we can even get pregnant. That changed as soon as I pulled into the driveway after work. I thought, "I can't keep this from him!" So, I decided to tell him that I knew the gender and he could decide if he wanted to know or not. Telling him was harder than I thought. Why was I nervous? He seemed stunned and said that he didn't want to know. I'm totally okay with this. Actually, I'm getting a little excited about how I'll finally tell him. If the transfer works, and we are pregnant, then I'll plan a fun little gender reveal just for him. At least it can be special for someone in this relationship. Hopefully, he won't want to wait til birth cause that's a long time to keep a huge secret.
HOPE
Now that I know the gender, it makes me more hopeful. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm still trying to be very realistic and remind myself that this is not guaranteed. The blood test results came in yesterday. Everything came back normal. So, we've got everything going for us. We have a PGS normal embryo, no known causes of miscarriage, and lots of hormones working hard to make my uterus an ideal place for growing a baby. It's hard not to be hopeful at this point. But, knowing the gender makes it a little more real... harder to detach myself emotionally. And now all I can think about is possible names, how to decorate the nursery, what cute outfits I want to buy, what our future could possibly look like, etc. I'm trying not to think about those things because that's what makes this all so hard. Those were normal thoughts back before we knew I was infertile and that's what makes this journey so difficult. Knowing these dreams I've had since being a child were just that. Dreams. Nothing more.
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