Trudging Along

*Deep Breath*

 Let's do a bit of catching up. 

Since the miscarriage in April, so much has happened. But, no, I'm still not pregnant.

I met with my RE in May. Merman had his semen analysis. I had the SIS done. Everything came back perfect and normal. Merman already has great sperm but it actually improved since the last analysis. My SIS was clean. The RE commented that "it's almost like you have reversed ovarian aging." And this gave me hope.

Ultimately, IVF is our best chance of having another baby. My RE said she was willing to try whatever we wanted but, even with my improved numbers, I still have diminished ovarian reserve. The quickest/best way to mature these eggs and reduce the chance of miscarriage would be to do IVF with genetic testing.

June/July: We did an unmonitored Letrozole Cycle with my RE. It didn't work.

I decided to speak with my midwife to see what they could do at the OB's office as far as infertility was concerned. I thought it may be easier and cheaper to continue using Letrozole with the OB. So that's exactly what we did.

August: Monitored Letrozole Cycle. 7 follicles. WHERE DID MY FOLLICLES GO?!?! Failed.

September: Monitored Letrozole Cycle. 5 follicles. WTF?! Failed.

October: Monitored Cycle. 7 follicles. Failed. (I chose not to take the Letrozole because I didn't like the way it was making me feel. But I continued with the monitoring for data purposes).

November: Took a break from trying. I needed some mental and emotional relief from this roller coaster. HOWEVER, I ovulated pretty early (cycle day 12) and my cycle was only 26 days, which was pretty alarming.

December: Taking another break this month to focus on Merbaby and enjoy the holiday season with him. 
I just got a positive ovulation test on cycle day 11! I'm worried sick over it because my follicle count has dropped drastically in the past year. Last October (2018), my AFC was 13! And now I've only got 5?!?! My cycles are getting shorter and I'm ovulating way too early. There's no way my eggs have time to grow and mature in such a short amount of time. Before the miscarriage and Letrozole, I was ovulating on days 14-15 and having 29-30 day cycles. I'm really hoping my body is just in a funk after being on Letrozole. As I near age 35, I feel like a ticking time bomb. At any moment, my ovaries are just going to throw in the towel and retire on me. It's depressing and terrifying.

^My Ovaries^

Next Steps: What's the Plan?
Merman and I had somewhat of an "argument" one night about what our next steps are. I've really been struggling emotionally and he voiced concern. I finally spoke the words I'd been thinking aloud, "I just want to try IVF again." And that prompted the conversation about whether that was even a possibility. We're still paying off the infertility treatment from 2016 while also paying for daycare and an extra human in the household. 💙 We reworked our budget but there's absolutely no way we can afford over $15, 000 worth of treatment again. So, we started working on a plan.

First, we used Resolve's template to write a letter to Human Resources at Merman's company. We requested infertility coverage. We got an immediate response with some really awesome news! They're looking into getting coverage and will be holding a corporate meeting about it in April. While this is definitely something to celebrate, it also means that coverage won't start until January 2021. I'll be over 35 at that point. Thinking of waiting that long to do IVF makes me want to vomit.

Next, we contacted family to ask if they'd be willing to help out in anyway. My parents are in! They are going to help out as much as they can.

And alas, we have discovered Bonfire. A way to make our fundraising personal and fun! We'll be designing a few different shirts and selling them through Bonfire in hopes of raising money to put towards IVF in the spring. We've been brainstorming ideas and will likely launch sales in the next week. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as I know it's unrealistic to expect $15,000 from a t-shirt fundraiser. But it might put us one step closer to our dream.

In the meantime, I've applied for a few IVF grants. Unfortunately, we don't qualify for many because of my diagnosis and/or because we already have one child (even though it took several years and 3 IVFs to get him). But I get it!

⇼⇼⇼⇼⇼

Having a plan makes me feel like I'm doing something. It gives me a sense of control. Control over my fertility and of our future. Taking a break was exactly what I needed and I'm in a really good place right now (aside from worrying about that follicle count).

On repetition in my brain: You will do IVF in 2020. You will get pregnant in 2020. This will work.

I Think It's Finally Over

Today I'm feeling sad.

I've been doing pretty well the past few days but today feels different.

I'm at the end of the process. There's not much going on anymore. Relief and sadness sporadically hit me like waves. It's exhausting.

The heavy bleeding started on Friday. I tried to work through it, keeping myself distracted. But I couldn't focus on anything and was constantly checking to see if I'd bled through my pants. Merman was off that day so we spent a few hours on the couch binge-watching "The OA" and snacking on my favorite treats.

There wasn't much cramping or pain. (I guess all of that happened the weekend before?) Because I felt okay, I decided to get dressed and join Merman at daycare for Merbaby's Easter party.  Taking advantage of the time off and spending it with our sweet boy was the right thing to do! It really cheered me up and helped me remember that fighting through infertility was worth it. And I can fight through this too. That afternoon, my friend (the one who found out she was pregnant the same weekend) came over with a goody bag full of my favorite things including red wine and chocolate. Her visit really lifted my spirits especially since she can relate. We were able to talk openly about what was happening and I knew that she really understood what I was going through.

The cramping never became too unbearable. It was light and sporadic. The worst part was the bleeding and tiredness. I just felt so incredibly tired and sad. I woke up around 4 AM on Saturday morning and I'm pretty sure I'd passed the embryo overnight. I know it's too small to really see that early on but what I saw gave me pause and really pulled on the heartstrings.

Saturday was the worst day of the whole process. I had to go into the fertility clinic for another HCG blood draw. That afternoon was our friend's son's 2nd birthday party. After a nice nap, we drove to the party. To be honest, it was hard to put a smile on my face and socialize. Every time I bent over or tried playing with the kids, there was a gush. I was in and out of the bathroom and felt like complete shit. But it was worth being with friends, watching Merbaby as he played, and getting to munch on some buffalo chicken dip. ;)

Merman was fantastic and took over everything that weekend. I was able to lay on the couch, nap, and take it easy. We stayed up watching more OA that night while I sipped on a little red wine (gift from my friend).

Sunday was Easter. We had a very lazy morning that involved cuddles and cartoons on the couch. Merbaby got a lot of new trucks, cars, and a bus in his Easter basket so he was content and occupied for HOURS! Then we ventured out for brunch. After another afternoon nap, my family came over. Thirty minutes before their arrival, I put on a dress, make-up, and did my hair so that we could take the typical outdoor Easter pictures. As soon as photos were taken, I was back in my yoga pants and t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail.

My mom brought over a cake that she baked for me along with some Easter treats. It was so nice having everyone there to play with and entertain Merbaby so that I could relax. We kept it simple and ordered pizza. My mom hid eggs for Merbaby to find. My sister and niece brought a race car Easter basket over and Merbaby went nuts playing with it. It was exactly what I needed and I am so appreciative to my family for being there that day.

The weekend really took it out of me though. I was beyond exhausted so I went straight to bed on Sunday evening. Merman cleaned everything up and helped get ready for the work week. He really has been so amazing through this whole ordeal.

My HCG results from Saturday came back at 27. Which means that I won't be able to have the SIS and consultation until my next cycle. Thinking of the wait really bums me out. But I'm trying to stay positive. This will give me time to recover and focus on getting my body back to a good place. I'm going back in this weekend for another blood draw. They want to see it hit 0.

Thanks to this week being National Infertility Awareness Week (impeccable timing, huh?), I've been searching through articles and videos to post on social media. In doing so, I've come across Dr. Aimee's YouTube video and learned so much!

Things I'm Doing to Improve Egg Health:
- Acai Berry Powder
I've started making smoothies for breakfast again. This ensures that I'm getting more fruits and veggies into my diet along with the Acai berry that Dr. Aimee recommends.
- Melatonin
I've started with 3 mg. a night. Even if it doesn't improve my egg quality, it's improving my sleep! It has only been 3 nights but I haven't been waking up to pee, switch positions, or stare at the clock. It's pretty amazing!

- Vitamin D
I was already taking this daily so I'm continuing to do that.

- Folate/Vitamin B12
This is something I've been doing since our transfer in 2016 so I'm continuing that, as well.

- CoQ10
I ordered this from Theralogix using the discount code from Dr. Aimee. It should arrive today and I'll start taking a pill a day. This was something I took during our IUIs and IVF cycles in 2016 so I feel comfortable doing it again.

- Healthy Eating/Exercise
I'm already a pretty healthy person. I have a history of gluten insensitivity and possible Celiac so I've been gluten-free for over 3 years now. But since I've stopped breastfeeding, I've been slacking on the healthy habits. That has to change! 1) Less sugary treats. 2) Less preservatives. I'm going to really focus on eating plant-based foods, protein, and eating fresh green vegetables. 3) Avoiding alcohol. I hardly ever drink anyways but I'm cutting it out even more. 4) Exercise. I was doing so well with exercising before this happened! I was getting 3-4 workouts in per week and feeling really good. But it completely stopped the day I found out I was pregnant. Once the bleeding stops, I'll jump back into that schedule and the routine I had going.

Future?
Merman and I spoke briefly about trying. Now that we've had the idea of a second baby dangled in front of us, we both really want it. I plan to ask my RE about trying Letrozole and doing timed cycles at home for a few months. If that doesn't work, I'm not opposed to trying medicated IUIs and/or another IVF cycle. But we would need help to pay for those options.

Merman is calling to get an updated semen analysis scheduled while we wait for my next cycle to start.

I'm still in shock and disbelief at our current situation. I never truly thought we'd get pregnant naturally. After YEARS of infertility and failed IVF cycles, I thought we'd made it out of that struggle without loss. I considered myself lucky to have never experienced that. And now here we are. It's still unreal to me. Especially now that the bleeding has almost stopped and I'm feeling normal again. Did the past few weeks really even happen?

It's Happening

Since finding out this would not be a viable pregnancy, I've been all over the place figuring out how to cope.

I had a phone-meeting with my RE on Wednesday afternoon. She told me that the miscarriage could take up to 3 or 4 weeks to happen. What an awful long time to wait! I have an appointment for another HCG draw tomorrow morning. We made a plan for "next steps." As soon as I have a period (does the bleeding from the miscarriage count?) I'm supposed to schedule a SIS to check for scarring. She ordered this test for me back in November after the HSG came back showing something wonky on the left side of my uterus. They think I may have scarring from the retained placenta. Because of money, I put the procedure off. Now I'm regretting that and hoping we don't find anything on the SIS.

From the Nashville Fertility Website: A saline-infusion sonogram (SIS) may also be called a Hydrosonogram or Saline infusion sonohysterography (SHG). This test is an ultrasound study of the uterus and uterine cavity. This test does not evaluate the fallopian tubes. Abnormalities such as fibroids, uterine polyps and scarring can be detected with this test. All of these abnormalities are things that could interfere with embryo implantation and fertility.

After the procedure, we'll go directly into her office for a consult. We'll go over my updated results from October, the SIS and HSG results, and talk about what happened with the miscarriage. And we can also plan next steps.


Since that conversation, I've been feeling a little better about the whole thing. I've reached out to friends who have been through this and they have been extremely supportive and helpful. More than I could ask for. But I'm obsessively running to the bathroom to check for bleeding. Yesterday I had some brown spotting and little cramps here and there but nothing happened. I convinced Merman that we needed a Mexican dinner so I enjoyed queso and a margarita. Each night since finding out, I've gone straight to bed after putting Merbaby to sleep cause I just don't have motivation to do anything but wait. Not healthy. I know. But I have been pouring my heart into work the past couple of days. Creating color coded end-of-year to-do lists from my team (which I'm sure they love), holding meetings, working with students a little more than usual, etc.

When I woke up this morning, there was a little more brown spotting but nothing major and no cramping so off to work I went in the pouring rain with tornado warnings all around. After holding a short meeting, I went to the bathroom and BOOM! There it was. It has officially started. I'm having waves of hot flashes but nothing more. No cramping. Part of me wants to stay and work but I'd also just like to be at home, eating candy, drinking coffee cause I can.

We'll see how this day, weekend, process plays out.