Miscarriage... or not?

The first thing I did when we woke up was check for bleeding. There was a small spot on the pad but nothing more. I'd made it through the night with no more bleeding. And when I wiped, it was clean! HALLELUJAH!

I called the clinic right away because I couldn't just sit around all day and wonder. My nurse called back (obviously woken from her sleep). She told me to come in for the HCG draw today instead of tomorrow and wanted to check my progesterone. 

She was very comforting and explained that sometimes dehydration in early pregnancy can cause cramping and bleeding. So I was instructed to drink a lot of water. She also told me that since I'm not bleeding through pads or into the toilet, we shouldn't panic. 

I left the house at 8 AM and Merman took over for the day. After the blood draw, I went to the store to get a snack and water for the long ride home. We had terrible stormy weather today and I knew the drive would be long and laborious. I was right! I witnessed two accidents on the interstate and it took over an hour to get back to my side of town. I decided to run into a department store to use the restroom and that's when the clinic called with results. 

HCG- 643

Progesterone- 41

BAD NEWS! In three days, my beta has not even come close to doubling. The lady on the phone explained that it's still rising so I'll need to come back on Tuesday to see what's going on. Until then, continue progesterone and just wait. 

We're basically stuck in limbo and it's pure torture. 

After some crying and self-calming, I managed to go grocery shopping. I called my supervisor and explained everything, through tears again. She told me about the time she had a miscarriage and told me to spend time with family and focus on love. I was told that work didn't matter and not to worry a bit. She told me to go to the appointments without thinking twice. (I absolutely love my bosses!)

Once I got home, I was feeling normal again. No cramping. Still no more bleeding. Just mentally and emotionally exhausted. I climbed in bed with Merbaby and we watched some "bus" videos. (He is obsessed). After awhile, we came down to play but I felt so tired. Merman took over again and I took a nice, long nap. Afterward, I was able to make dinner, play with Merbaby, do bathtime, and mealprep for the next day. That nap was exactly what I needed. 

Now it's 9:14 PM and I'm having some more spotting. Brown this time. What does that mean? I thought brown wasn't supposed to be anything to worry about but I just have a feeling it's the beginning stages of a miscarriage. I can't help but think that the progesterone is preventing the inevitable from happening. 

I'm trying to focus on my day-to-day. I'm ready to have answers and move on. I can't consume myself with this... easier said than done. 

The cramps come and go. I don't know what to make of them. 

I've been on Reddit and seen similar beta stories that turned out to be ectopics... 

I'm still clinging to a little hope but not holding my breath. 

UNBELIEVABLE NEWS!

I am pregnant!

I can't believe this! Honestly... I've been pretty much speechless since finding out. There just aren't words to describe the complete joy, shock, and anxiety I'm feeling. It's a freaking miracle!

Here's how it happened: 

In March, I decided not to track my ovulation and just enjoy the month without worrying over my cycle/body/infertility. However, because I am so in tune with my body I can usually tell when I'm ovulating. This month, I did notice that the symptoms came on much later than usual. Typically, I ovulate between days 10-12. But this time, I didn't notice symptoms until day 14 and they were STRONG! I didn't test with an OPK stick and ignored the symptoms because I wanted a break from being consumed by my cycle. On cycle day 15, Merman and I had a little fun but I didn't even think twice about it. 

Fast forward about 9 days, Merbaby is playing in the bathroom while I'm using it (gotta love mom life) and he finds all of my old pregnancy tests. He's throwing them around the floor and having a blast playing with them. I took a funny video of it then decided to check the expiration dates to see if they needed to be thrown out. The Early Response test was due to expire in April and the box of Wondfos expire in May. I thought to myself, "I might as well pee on the Early Response test before throwing it out just to say I used it." I waited til the day my period was expected (cycle day 26), peed on it, saw the one line (negative), rolled my eyes and cursed myself for bringing back the memories of infertility, and stuck the test in my pocket to throw out. 

April 4- The next day, we left to go out of town for a long weekend at my Grandmother's. I packed tons of pads, tampons, and a brand new menstrual cup that I was excited to use. We were super busy the whole weekend but I kept running to the bathroom thinking my period had started. We arrived back home Saturday night, cycle day 29. Still no period! I knew something weird was going on because I always start around days 26 or 27. But the negative test had me thinking it was impossible. Looking back through my period tracker app confirmed my suspicions. It was odd for me to be on cycle day 29 without a period in sight. In the past year, I've only had one cycle that lasted 29 days. 

I convinced myself that the delay was from being on Spring Break and traveling. My body was off its routine and I'd probably start on Sunday. Then I reminded myself that I probably ovulated later which would make the cycle a little longer. 

Coincidentally, my best friend found out she was pregnant on Saturday. Her and her husband have been trying for a year and have had 2 miscarriages. After much convincing by me, she visited her OB and took Letrozole for her March cycle. Because of her miscarriages, her cycle was pushed back a little and matched up with mine almost perfectly. Our periods were due the same day. She told me that she tested positive and asked if I'd started my cycle yet. Then she suggested taking another test. I blew her off and went about my weekend. 

April 7- Back at home- Sunday morning (cycle day 30), we were in the grocery store and I saw a pregnant woman. She stopped and smiled at me and Merbaby. Seeing that pregnant belly sparked something in me that said, "Your period isn't coming. Just take another test." I was having absolutely zero period symptoms, which was also very bizarre. 

After cleaning up from lunch at home, I went upstairs to change for the gym and decided to just test. I pulled out 2 Wondfos and peed on them. I could barely keep my eyes off of them. The one solid line seemed to be taunting and laughing at me. I got so angry at myself for being hopeful enough to test again. Rolling my eyes, I and finished getting ready. Before walking out of the bathroom, I glanced back down at the tests and saw a second line! TWO LINES! POSITIVE?!?!?! I almost fainted. I did a double-take, a close-up look, blinked a million times. Then I just started balling and pacing. WHAT THE HELL??? How was this even possible?? I paced the bathroom for about 3 minutes debating whether or not I should run downstairs to show Merman. I really thought I was hallucinating. I decided that I just needed to leave the house quickly to process what this meant... how it was even possible. I grabbed my stuff, hugged the boys goodbye, and drove to the gym. 

Once there, I just sat in the parking lot for 5-10 minutes trying to wrap my mind around this new reality. I googled early pregnancy, searching to see if the tests were even reliable since they're so close to expiration. At that moment, I decided that I needed to go buy a Clearblue test so it will just say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant." No questions.

I don't know why, but I still went into the gym and did a 30-minute cardio workout. All the time, I was busy obsessing: downloading a pregnancy app and figuring out how far along I am, calculating the due date, searching for similar stories, etc. My head was spinning. I e-mailed my fertility clinic nurse begging to have my hcg and progesterone checked ASAP. On the way home from the gym, I grabbed a Clearblue test from the store and hid it in the bottom of the diaper bag. As luck would have it, both Merbaby and Merman were napping so I ran to the bathroom and peed on the stick. In less than a minute, it read PREGNANT. And I lost it all over again. 

I decided to tell Merman the news after Merbaby was asleep, which was SO HARD! I just wanted to shout it at him all afternoon. I found a "#1 Dad" Gift bag and wrapped the test up in it. I told him that I had a present for him and handed it over. Because I'd been out of town, he had no idea that my period was due or that I was late so this was a total shock. He saw the test and his mouth dropped open. I don't even remember what he said, but he was so happy and excited. He told me that he had just been thinking about how much he'd like for Merbaby to have a sibling. And he was going to suggest we start trying to "have fun" more often. But we never thought it was truly a possibility without treatment. We hugged a lot and talked about how the heck this was even happening. 

Since then, I've been peeing on a Wondfo every morning to see if the line is getting darker or lighter. It was a pretty faint line on Sunday but it was also the middle of the day. Each day, it has gotten a little darker and today (April 10) it is almost as dark as the control line!

Line Progression from Sunday (bottom) - Thursday (top)
And the first PREGNANT I've ever seen!

April 9- I went into the fertility clinic for a beta and progesterone test. It was surreal being back in there for an hcg blood draw!!! The results should be in today and the wait is killing me. The darker line this morning has given me more hope but I'm so terrified that my numbers will be low. 

Thoughts and Feelings: Holy shit. Seriously. I just keep thinking that over and over. HO. LY. SHIT!

I am trying to be very realistic about the chances of this pregnancy actually lasting. Women with low AMH have a very high miscarriage rate. They also have a higher possibility of genetic problems. As of today, I'm 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So we're in for quite a wait. Wait to get the beta results. Wait to see if they double. Wait for the viability ultrasound. Wait to get in at the OB. Wait for genetic screening at week 12. Wait for the anatomy scan at week 20. Wait to make it to week 24, viability. Wait. Wait. Wait...

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. From the second I saw that test, I told myself a miscarriage was very likely and to be prepared. BUT I'm hoping so very much that this is just one of those unexplained, miracle stories. I'm constantly praying and begging for this little embryo to make it into the world as a fully functioning, healthy human being. 

I'm also trying to focus on the positive: I can get pregnant! For the first time, I conceived naturally. I was able to experience the surprise of a period not ever coming. I got to cry upon seeing a positive test. I got to surprise my husband with news that I'm pregnant. These are things I longed for for so many years. Even if this pregnancy doesn't last, I was able to experience the normalcy of finding out I'm naturally pregnant. Nothing can take that away. 

UPDATE: Thursday, APRIL 11
A nurse e-mailed my results last night and I'm not extremely happy with them.
HCG- 156
progesterone- 14.7

They like to see progesterone above 15 so they're putting me on vaginal suppositories (yuck).

While my HCG is positive, it's not very high and that worries me. My blood was drawn at 4 weeks, 4 days pregnant. With Merbaby, my HCG was 795 at 4+4. That's a big difference.

I got the e-mail in the midst of Merbaby's bath and bedtime routine. It really threw me for a loop so I tried to focus in on him and how happy he makes me. I held it together pretty well until it was time to rock him. I started crying as I rocked and cuddled my sweet little boy. I'm so afraid of what's to come. I really don't want this to be a miscarriage. I've always been an outsider when it comes to experiencing miscarriage and I feel extremely fortunate for that. Even with my diagnosis and years of infertility, I've never had to experience a miscarriage. It's not a club I want to be a part of.

After getting him to sleep, I went to our bedroom to sulk and call the pharmacy. Apparently this type of progesterone isn't very common so they had to order it. It should be in today.

The nurse that e-mailed me said that she scheduled me for an 8AM blood draw the following morning so we can see if the hcg doubles and to have my TSH checked. But this was a huge problem because I didn't get the e-mail til 7 PM. Being a teacher means jumping through flaming hoops to arrange time off, even it is just coming in a little late one day. We're in the midst of state-wide standardized testing and it really messes things up when a "testgiver" is out. I gave the assistant principal a call to discuss me missing testing. I thought I was okay until she answered the phone and I lost control! I was not expecting to cry at all! Through tears, I muttered something about needing to get a blood test done because we were doing some fertility stuff and it wasn't going well. Instantly, she told me to take the day and she would cover testing. I wasn't ready to tell her exactly what was going on and she didn't ask. Thank goodness! She did say, "Oh honey! I didn't realize you all were doing that again." Instant guilt. I hung up with her and just cried!

I finally walked downstairs to Merman to cry some more. He didn't understand why I was so upset and it was very encouraging to speak with him. He reminded me over and over that we weren't out of the game yet. I got onto Reddit and reached out for support. Those infertile ladies pulled through! Many sent stories of successful pregnancies with low betas. I even heard from a woman who had a successful spontaneous pregnancy with low AMH and low progesterone. So I'm clinging on to that little bit of hope again.

Unfortunately, they scheduled my second blood-draw at the main location which is an hour drive in morning traffic. I left my house before 7 and pulled into the parking lot 5 minutes before 8. I started to tear up a few times in the waiting room. Just being back there and seeing all the women in the waiting room pulled at my heartstrings. My doctor walked through in her scrubs, which means today is her egg retrieval and transfer day (meaning she does the procedures). I thought to myself, "Some woman is back there right now preparing for a retrieval and hoping for that miracle baby." And I had to fight the tears away.

After the blood draw, I went to the bathroom and it triggered me. It was the same bathroom I'd used so many times prior to retrieval and other appointments. So I sat on that toilet and cried some more. Why is infertility so mean and unfair?

I'm still holding on to hope and hoping for a miracle. I want this baby so bad!

Results will be in tomorrow so I've got another 24+ hours to wait. Hoping for HCG of 312 or higher!

Also, Mr. Merman grabbed the progesterone tonight and we started injections. I e-mailed the nurse and opted to do injections instead of suppositories. Ewww!

Here we go again!

April 12 Update

I thought I was doing okay for the first part of the day. Keeping busy teaching, helping throw a surprise celebration with some colleagues, and just working hard to distract myself.

During the morning standardized testing, I looked up and noticed a motivational poster on the teacher's wall. It really struck a chord with me and I had to fight back the tears. I ended up repeating it to myself all throughout the day.

As the end of the day neared, I could feel myself getting really anxious. I was in the bathroom and started having what I think was a panic attack. I couldn't breath and felt sweaty. It felt like my head was spinning and I had no control. I had to take deep breaths, count to 10, and remind myself that this is out of my control. After a few minutes, I ran back to my office, turned on YouTube and started playing Candy Crush to distract myself. It took about 20 minutes but I finally started to feel okay. Needless to say, not a lot of work got done. I felt like screaming and running, but where to? And why? Looking back, I think the hardest part of this is not having control and the long wait for results just amplified those feelings. 

On the way to pick Merbaby up from daycare, the clinic e-mailed my results. My beta TRIPLED!!

HCG- 490

TSH- normal 

I was elated and relieved. I cried all the way to daycare and texted Merman. I was on cloud nine the rest of that night. The nurse told me to come back on Monday for a 3rd beta. I called my supervisor and arrangements were made. 

4/13- Saturday was a really good day, at first. Merbaby and I tried a new indoor playplace. We had a blast and totally wore each other out. I was beyond exhausted so I tried to take it easy the rest of the day. My back was hurting from all the playing and climbing. And I needed a nap but Merbaby wasn't having it with naptime. :( 

We decided to hit up Waffle House for dinner. It was at Waffle House that we made the decision to tell our parents what was going on. We will let them know how early in the pregnancy it is and explain that anything can go wrong. I've been dying to tell my mom and we could really use the support so that was that. Decision made. We'd tell them that night. 

While there, I started to feel pretty bad. By the time we got home, I thought I was having diarrhea pains but nothing was happening when I went to the bathroom. My back pain had gotten much worse. I was feeling a bit nauseous and extremely tired. I sucked it up to overdoing it at the playplace and continued on with the night. 

We Facetimed both parents with the news and both were in shock and elated! I washed my hair, did some cleaning, etc. Just before bed, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was pink blood on the toilet paper. I panicked and wiped again. And again. Still there! I tried to be rational and convince myself that spotting is very common. Next, I attempted to dry my hair but couldn't because I felt so bad and was scared shitless. Mr. Merman came in and I told him what was going on. He helped me get set up in bed with the hospital pad (to catch blood), heating pad for my back, and water. We laid there in silence for a while before deciding to call it a night. I was starting to cramp and the nausea was getting worse. I just knew it was a miscarriage. 

Infertility after Infertility

Naivety.

I was naive in thinking that if we could finally get our baby, I would be 100% happy and move on from the woes of infertility. While I am the happiest I've ever been, infertility is still rearing it's ugly head and effecting our lives.

Ever since having Merbaby, I've had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and pure joy. I know it's pretty cliche to say, but being a mom completes me and makes me feel whole. I was born to be a mother and I love every bit of it. It's hard to describe but I just keep getting this deeply saddening feeling when I think that this could be it. One and done.

I absolutely loved being pregnant and the birthing process. I'm not ready to say goodbye to this part of my life. Thinking that I'll never be pregnant or experience birth again absolutely breaks my heart. It tears me up inside to think about the fact that I'll never get to nurse again or watch a tiny human grow and learn new things each day. I don't want all of the new, first-experiences to also be "lasts." I love motherhood and I want more of it.

I was engulfed in these feelings during early fall. It was nagging at me and I felt overwhelmed by it so I decided to do something. I contacted the fertility clinic and arranged to have some updated testing done. I was hoping it might offer some closure on this part of my life... that I'd see my results and realize that pregnancy just isn't an option. I could close that door and move on.

I met with my reproductive endocrinologist in October and we made a plan of what tests to take. I explained my feelings and thoughts to her. She was ready to dive back into treatment but I told her we just don't have the money for it. I needed her to look me in the eye and tell me the truth about my natural/cheap options. I needed her to help me move past these feelings. Despite my efforts to control the tears, they started flowing as I sat there in that office begging for a solution. An excuse to keep trying. A reason to give up.

Background information: At the time, Mr. Merman and I had been "trying" again since May (I'd started having cycles again in March/April). It wasn't an extremely concerted effort but I was tracking my cycles and timing intercourse accordingly. If we were really busy or had a lot going on during that fertile period, we would just let that month slide. Mr.Merman and I talked and agreed to just have sex and see what happens without focusing whole-heartedly on it... aka: Don't let it run your life like it did the first time around. 

The RE did tell me that after a year of no results, my chances got lower and gave a little speech about the chances of a natural pregnancy with my diagnosis but explained that it's not impossible. So, we decided to move forward with the updated testing and go from there. No pressure. I was assigned a nurse and sent on my way to discuss the logistics with her.

The following cycle, I had day 3 testing done to get updated AMH, FSH, TSH, estrogen levels, and an STD panel. They did an ultrasound to update the AFC (antral follicle count). And I had another HSG (yuck!). Here's the hard part- all of my results improved! It is totally normal for these numbers to fluctuate but it did not provide the closure I was hoping for. My FSH is normal now!?!? That's HUGE!

Results:

AMH:
Jan. 2016 = 7.4
Nov. 2018 = 9.64
(normal is higher than 1.5)

FSH:
Jan. 2016= 12
Nov. 2018 = 8
(normal is 11 or less)

AFC:
2016 (multiple counts) = averaged 7-9 follicles
Nov. 2018 = 13 follicles

Estrogen and TSH came back normal and in a good range. No STDs.

HSG Results
The HSG came back normal, for the most part. My tubes were clear and everything was in place. However, the left side of my uterus had a big black splotchy area, which could be caused be scar tissue. An HSG doesn't check for these types of things but it could be indicative of something going on in there. The doctor preforming the procedure said it could also be a bubble of air from the ink entering my uterus. After seeing the scan and results, my RE ordered a SIS (saline sonogram) to have the inside of the uterus checked out. The doctor performing the HSG spoke with me very briefly but we did determine that my "placenta dig" could have caused scarring in the uterus. (Check back in my blog for the after-birth story to read about that stubborn placenta- Placenta Dig Post).

MONEY PROBLEMS
Unfortunately, we just don't have the money for all of this. We're still paying off the IVF loan we took out for Merbaby and now we have the added (outrageous) weekly cost of daycare. Needless to say, we just don't have much wiggle room for my infertility costs.
My initial visit with the RE wasn't covered by insurance so that was $250 out of pocket. The ultrasound wasn't covered and only parts of the bloodwork were covered. Insurance didn't pay for the diagnostic portion of the HSG so I'm currently fighting that $400+ charge and having insurance reevaluate it. Within two months, we were coughing up hundreds of dollars (nearly $1,000) just to get some diagnostic testing done. Because of this, I haven't been able to meet with the doctor to discuss results, my husband has not been in for an updated semen analysis, and I've put off having the SIS done.

Thoughts About  My Uterus
Initially, I was pretty bummed at the prospect of having yet another issue that could cause problems conceiving. It just seems so unfair to have yet another thing added to the list of "reasons I can't get pregnant." If the SIS shows that I do have scar tissue, we'll have to schedule a procedure to have it removed. More money, more treatment, more invasive things being stuck in my lady bits, BLAH! It just makes me want to scream sometimes.

I do plan to have the SIS done this spring or summer. I'm just waiting til we figure out this $400 charge and build some savings back up. (An emergency room visit, Piper's vaccines and flea meds, and HOA dues have added to our list of financial burdens for the next few months). I've had time to calm down but hate knowing that I could be missing that one good egg that might drop and fertilize. What if there is scarring and it can't implant? What if it does implant but the scarring prevents it from staying attached or growing correctly? I have so many of these thoughts going through my mind each day. I'm just ready to know for sure.

I'm also curious of Merman's semen analysis. It was excellent before but he's lost a lot of weight in the past year (almost 60 lbs.) and has been exercising and eating healthy. All of this likely has an impact on his reproductive health. Hopefully it's a good one!

Meanwhile
I'm enjoying life with Merbaby and focusing on every little second I get with him. I've started tutoring twice a week, before school starts. It's early and I miss out on waking Merbaby up. But the extra money will help us pay bills and stay afloat.

I'm doing a lot of research to see how I can increase my chances of conceiving naturally because paying for treatment is NOT an option. I've ordered It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett and plan to read that to see what reasonable improvements I can make in my life. I've started doing more research on MTHFR and learning what it means. I've found out that it effects about 70% of white women and about 50% of the population. I may have to do an entirely separate post on what I've learned from my "research" and talking with medical professionals on this topic. It's something I definitely want to have tested but again, it costs money! Insurance doesn't cover the testing so I will just wait and wonder. I'm absolutely fascinated by what I'm learning though.

I'm continuing to track my cycles. They are picture perfect (which is even more infuriating). I did take a few months off from tracking when it started messing with my emotions. I don't want to cry every time I start my period so I took a little break to get my head right. Because my cycles are so predictable, I knew when I was ovulating and when I was about to start so we still had intercourse, but I wasn't testing or putting anything in my tracking calendar. It helped a lot! I'm no longer bummed out when my period starts. Thinking about our lack of money also helps me stay calm. We would not even be able to afford daycare for a second child.

All of the baby toys, equipment, and clothes have been packed up and stashed in the basement. I'm giving it 5 years before we get rid of anything and call it quits. I'm not ready to give up!


All in all, infertility sucks and it never goes away. It will always be a part of our lives and our story. I hate it but I'm learning to grow from it. The love and appreciation I have for Merbaby is truly magnified because of the journey we went on to get him. Infertility really puts things into perspective and makes you realize how lucky you are to have made it through to the other side. It may have broken the bank, but was worth every single penny. I'd do it 100 times over if I knew my little guy was the result.