Maybe Not So Okay

Remember how I said I was going to relax, enjoy life, and be stress free? hahaha!!! What was I thinking? I've been driving myself crazy. Crying at every little thing has become a huge part of my life. I'm blaming it on the birth control. At certain points over the past week, I've felt like I was in a million different places emotionally. One second, I'm mad. The next second, I'm sad. Then, I'm laughing at myself for being crazy and then I start crying while reminding myself how happy I am. I feel like I just want to rip out of my own skin and take off running as far away from this infertility as I can get. I must finally be feeling the effects of having no control. Even through 3+ years of trying, failed IVFs, IUIs, medicated cycles and delays, I've never felt this way. I'm living in a nightmare.

Things I've cried about since Saturday:
- the thought of killing two spiders in our garage (they are still alive and happily eating away at all the moths they catch, which also makes me cry)
- the fact that the pet store had puppies outside for adoption
- I donated $1 to a doggie in need... and that made me cry
- the fact that Nacho Cheese Doritos aren't gluten free
- looking at my dog and thinking how freaking cute she is and how much I love her
- the 9/11 memorial at a local park near our house (I guess this one would be considered normal)
- seeing pictures from 10 years ago and immediately thinking about how naive I was, thinking I'd easily get pregnant one day... and wishing I could go back to such a happy time
- friends who talk about getting pregnant right in front of me, even after I ask them to change the topic

Happy Events Interrupted by Emotions
We had a big house party to celebrate my husband finishing up Graduate School and earning his MBA. I am beyond proud of this man! It took two long years of staying up all night, working on the weekends, and going to class twice a week to accomplish this goal. In this time, he lost a job and spent months searching for a new one. Then, started a new job and traveled for training. Then, he got promoted to an even more time-consuming position and trained for that.We were trying to get pregnant the entire time he was in grad school so there was a lot of, "I'm ovulating! We have to have sex tonight." This caused a lot of stress for both of us as we had to squeeze it in even when it was inconvenient and we were exhausted. Then, we began seeing the Reproductive Endocrinologist and so began our infertility treatment. He was doing semen analysis's, taking time off from a new job for appointments, taking care of me after procedures, and consoling one another after each failed cycle. Most of all, the money!! Oh, the money! Trying to figure out how to pay for his schooling AND infertility treatment has been extremely stressful. I don't know how he stayed so calm and cool throughout the past two years. I would have had an emotional breakdown. I can't imagine how stressed out he must have been.

To give him the recognition he deserves, I threw a graduation party at our house and invited all of our closest friends. We had a blast and I really enjoyed throwing him a party. (In my second life, I'm going to be an event/party planner because I absolutely love it). We had about 30 people over, playing pool, beer pong, Super Nintendo, indulging in some snacks, and drinking all the beer. I'd say it was a success! I was having a big, sober blast until some girlfriends started talking about fertility. They were down in the basement and I was trying to set up the camera so we could take a group picture. Here is what I heard from the conversation:
Girl 1: "Are you ovulating?"
Girl 2: "Yep!"
Girl 3: "YAY! My boobs are a little sore. How soon will I know? Like, how soon will they start getting sore?"
Girl 4: "It's different for everyone but could be pretty early."
Girl 1: "I haven't had my period in so long. I don't know what's happening but something is definitely going on."
Girl 2: "What??? Are you pregnant? Get pregnant with me. I don't want to do this alone!"

This is when I cut in because my crazy emotions were about to burst through. I felt like my face was on fire and my chest was tight trying to hold back anger, jealousy, and tears. I said, "Can we talk about something else, please? I really don't want to hear about this."

Girl 1: "Oh sure! Sorry!"
But, the rest of the girls continued having the conversation. I think I started randomly shouting out about not being able to get the camera to work cause I just wanted them to SHUT UP!!!! Girl 4 started asking if I'd been working out. She said I looked really good and asked what I'd been doing. I was still irritated with them so I made a snooty comment about finally being off hormones and just being normal for once. This is when Girl 2 says, "Oh yeah! I know about those hormones. I've been on them." "Oh really?" I wanted to sarcastically say, "Tell me all about the years and years of trying and failing. Tell me about being on hormones since February and having your twat wanded every day for months on end. Please do tell me more about all of the injections you've given yourself and the pills you've stuck up your vagina. Tell me how you felt when you did all of this work, spent thousands and thousands of dollars, and kept failing. Oh, wait, you haven't done that? That's right, I'd love to hear how a couple of months of trying with Clomid have made you crazy and bloated."

But, I didn't. I asked her what she had been on (progesterone) and confirmed that it wasn't fun. Normal-me would have a lot empathy for her. I don't know the entire story but do know that she has PCOS and started taking Clomid in April. I'm not sure why/when she took progesterone and I also don't know the entire story. I'm assuming the Clomid has helped her finally ovulate, resulting in the assumption that she will be able to get pregnant this month. Of course this is hard for her! Of course it's stressful and just as devastating as anyone else who deals with infertility. Who am I to get angry at her about a struggle I know too much about? I love this girl and want the best for her.
I'm just not emotionally stable right now and don't want to hear about her "not wanting to do this alone." I mean... I was standing right there. I've had multiple failures and she knows this. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not even an option as someone who could get pregnant at the same time as you.

It just fucking hurts being left out of the excitement women get about being pregnant (they don't know about my most current IVF cycle or the upcoming FET). After taking pictures, I ran upstairs to get away. I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to have fun.

About an hour later, I took the dog out. That's when I was overcome with emotion. I was standing in the front yard, in the dark, looking at my house, watching the people I love socialize. I just burst into tears. Life is just so unfair. There I was looking at all the wonderful things I have in life: a beautiful home, tons of amazing friends, an incredible husband, my dog, etc. and I was crying over the one thing I can't have: a baby.

Thanks, emotions, for interrupting my awesome night!

Infertility Update
Today is the final day of birth control!! Hallelujah!
Today is also my hysteroscopy and trial transfer.

Hysteroscopy (HSC): a procedure to make sure the inside of the uterus is of normal size and shape. They will assess the quality of the lining and check for fibroids, polyps, scar tissue, etc.
Description (provided by the clinic): The procedure is performed under local anesthesia. The local anesthetic consists of 3 transvaginal injections of lidocaine into the cervix. Then a thin telescope-like instrument (the hysteroscope) is passed through the cervical canal and into the uterine cavity. You will lie on an exam table with a speculum in place during most of the test. As the saline enters the uterus pictures of your pelvis will be taken. The results of the exam will be reviewed with you after all of the pictures are taken. You can view the procedure as it is happening on a TV type monitor.

I'll be taking 800 mg. of Ibuprofen beforehand and can expect to having mild to moderate cramping for the next day or so. I am dreading this! I'm so tired of things being stuck in my vagina and I especially hate when they pump liquid in there. The SIS I had done in March or February was very similar to this. It was so uncomfortable. I groaned and moaned in pain the whole time.

The trial transfer will be much easier as they just have to pass a catheter through my cervix and take notes for the real transfer in October. The only bad thing is that my bladder has to be full. I hope they let me pee before the HSC!

I plan to spend the afternoon treating myself to pizza, ice cream, and laziness. Maybe after today, I'll be less stressed out and more excited about what's to come.

**Pictures to be added later as our computer is being funny**