A Wild Ride

This week has been quite an eventful week, to say the least. I've had some sort of infertility related event each afternoon.

Monday- Blood draw (8 vials of blood!!)
Tuesday- Hysteroscopy & last day of birth control
Wednesday- Another blood draw
Thursday- Baseline ultrasound and blood work
Friday- Just being me :)
Saturday (tomorrow)- Starting Estradiol (estrogen)

Hysteroscopy (HSC) Hell
As I explained in my last post, I was seriously dreading this procedure. It was everything I thought it would be. Pure torture! Some doctor I'd never met came in to do the procedure. That shook me up a little. I was expecting my doctor but whatever. No big deal. It's just another stranger messing around in my lady bits. *sigh* This guy was super caring and calm. He explained everything to me, told me that I could yell, "STOP!" if it was too much to handle, and asked if I had questions. I asked what the difference between this and a SIS was, explaining that the SIS was really uncomfortable for me. He explained that the HSC is different because they numb the cervix for this one but mostly because they actually put a scope inside your uterus. That's right, I had a scope INSIDE my uterus.

I warned them (the doctor and nurse) that I would probably be making a lot of noises to get through the pain. As he was getting everything set-up and putting the speculum in place, I started tearing up. "I may start crying but it'll be less about pain and more about my emotions and hormones. So, just ignore me," I blurted out. The doctor responded, "You've been through quite a bit." They gave me a ball of wadded up sterile paper to squeeze and he walked me through each step as it was happening. He had me cough with each Lidocaine injection into my cervix. Those weren't too terrible but the sound they made was definitely cringe worthy.

I tried to watch what was happening on the TV screen but it was so painful, I had a hard time focusing. Also, it just looked like a big white blob. "I'm looking at your left tube. Everything looks good there. I don't see any problems," said the doc. That's when I decided to just look away and breathe until it was over. I was on the verge of tears the entire time, breathing like I was in labor. At one point, I closed my eyes and had a quick out-of-body experience to escape the pain. When I opened my eyes and looked over I noticed that the nurse was pregnant. At that point, I just want to punch someone. But then I saw her face and she looked so incredibly concerned for me... like she was about to cry right along with me. And, I decided it was okay if she was pregnant. Maybe she had gone through this too?

I guess this adult mobile was supposed to keep me calm?

Hysteroscopy technology... the TV screen that
showed my white blob of a uterus.

When it was over, the doctor informed me that women often pass-out after this procedure because they try to get up too soon. I was instructed to take as much time as I needed before getting up. The nurse made me comfy and left the room to give me some privacy. I laid on that table and just cried. Hard, loud, sobbing cries. I cried at the shit I've been through for the past 3 years. I cried at the fact that I've had so many people and objects poking and prodding me. I cried that the procedure was finally over and we are one step closer to the end. I cried because life just isn't fucking fair. And then I cried all the way home as I sat in traffic with a cramping cervix.

That night, I treated myself to pizza (purposely homemade the night before) and an early bedtime. My husband brought me ice cream in bed and I snuggled up with the pup. I think I'll be okay... but that day was really tough.  

Gluten-Free 3-Meat Pizza.
Get in my belly!

Monday and Wednesday Blood Draws
Infertility makes you crazy. It makes you insane and paranoid. My paranoia is strong at this point! With the FET (frozen embryo transfer) quickly approaching, I have all kinds of worries in my head. Because I've never been pregnant, I don't know if my body is capable of carrying a child to full term. This is our one and only embryo and I want to make sure it's going to stay in there. So, I e-mailed the nurse asking about all types of diagnoses I've heard of. I have met so many infertile women who have experienced multiple miscarriages because of a particular medical issue that can be fixed. My RE called to discuss this with me. When I told her that I'd rather fix the problems before we lose our only embryo, she totally got it. She basically decided to treat me as a patient who has had multiple miscarriages and run all the tests they would run on someone in those shoes. She explained it all in great detail, which I genuinely enjoyed. The female body is so fascinating to me!

The tests were ordered but I had to go to a local lab to have the blood drawn (instead of my clinic). Monday's blood draw took forever! The lady didn't like any of my veins. The one she chose was practically in my elbow and drained so, so, sooooooo slowly. She finally gave up after a few vials and moved to a vein in my hand. She also dropped the vials of blood while still drawing from my arm. Seriously??? I have blood drawn at the RE office all the time and have never had any problems. I forgot to ask about testing my B12 levels so the RE sent in the order and I went back on Wednesday. This guy was better but drew from a vein on my bicep, which was surprisingly uncomfortable. Ugh! I hope I never have to go back there.

We should get the results this week. We decided not to test for MTHFR. She claims that almost everyone is a carrier of this (at least one strand) and the only treatment would be to take special folate prenatals. We decided to treat it as if I was a carrier so I am now on some special prenatals pills. Insurance covers this, making it much cheaper than the over-the-counter prenatals. Whoo-hoo!!!

Things I can remember (and pronounce) being tested for:
diabetes
natural killer cells
B12 levels

The others are things I've never really heard of. She went through them so fast, it was hard to keep up. Crossing fingers that these are all normal and will be a non-issue.

Thursday's Baseline
Short and sweet. I went in, had a quick blood draw. The RE wanded me and we were done in less than 2 minutes. She says she thinks we'll be good to go and to continue with the plan.

       

I thought I'd give you a glimpse into the
ultrasound room.

My Second Home

I have 3 residual follicles on my left ovary (all 14 mm). I e-mailed the nurse the next day to ask what this was because I've never heard them use this term before... and started to get paranoid again. So, I learned something new! A residual follicle is like a little cyst. It's a leftover follicle that didn't ovulate from the previous month. As long as it's not producing any hormones, it's no big deal and should go away on its own. My estrogen level was below 25, which indicates that they are not producing hormones. That's good news! YAY! (I still worry about them being there when it's time for the actual transfer).

Estradiol and Other News
I started taking the estrogen pills yesterday. No noticeable side effects yet. It's been a really rough weekend. My sister is in the midst of an unexpected divorce. She texted me about it on Monday and has been really struggling all week.She asked me to stay with her last night so that she wouldn't have to be alone. I had fun just chilling with her and my niece. But, it is so hard to see her hurting. Today, she confirmed that another woman is involved. My heart is breaking for her. I can't tell if it's the estrogen or the fact that this lying, piece of crap is tearing my sister and her family apart. But, I have definitely shed some tears over this. I'm still trying to process what's happening with that situation. It's hard not to let it effect me as I'm trying to stay calm,  relaxed, and stress-free. Writing about it may help. But, right now, I just need to figure out how to be supportive.
My heart is aching so much for her and my niece today. Maybe I should just allow myself to feel these feelings for a couple of days. I don't know how my sister is doing it. She's such a strong woman!