Fall Break and FET Prep

I must start this post by wishing my puppy dog a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
She's 2 years old today. I bought her some birthday treats but I think we'll wait to give them to her tomorrow. She's been feeling a little under the weather and worrying me to death. As any infertile with a pet knows, these are our babies. I love her so much more than I ever thought was possible. I've never even wanted a dog nor did I think I'd enjoy having one. But, she has been my best friend through all of the ups and downs of infertility. I don't know what I'd do without my little baby girl.

The Birthday Girl!

Fall Break
This week is fall break! Whoo-hoo! A whole week off of work. It hasn't been nearly as relaxing as I'd hoped but it sure has been productive.

Dermatologist: I want to the derm on Tuesday for a full body check. My sister had melanoma which puts me at an increased risk. This means that I must go once a year to get checked out. I have unusually bad dandruff and a super itchy scalp which sometimes breaks out into a red rash, so I had that checked out. The diagnosis: seborrheic dermatitis. Basically, I have cradle cap for adults. A special shampoo and cream was prescribed. I called the pharmacist and asked if it was safe to take this medication if I am pregnant. Of course, the answer is no. Go figure! Just another way that waiting on a baby that may never happen is effecting my life. I'll just continue to have an itchy, yeasty, flaking, red scalp. (Gross, I know). Good thing I have super long, thick hair. No one will notice except for my poor hair stylist... who also happens to be my sister. *insert evil laugh here*

While at the dermatologist, I had my very first age spot removed. It's above my eyebrow and has been driving me crazy. The doc said I was too young and she didn't want to tell me that it was an age spot. While she's saying this, I'm thinking, "Well, my ovaries think I'm in my 40's, why not my face?" I have a feeling I'll age poorly. Anyways, I had that removed and am now waiting for the scab to start peeling away. Can't wait until it's healed and gone!

Puppy Woes: As I said before, my poor dog has been sick. It started on Tuesday. She wasn't eating or drinking normally. She refused to go outside and was shivering all over. I found diarrhea in our closet and on the bathroom rug. I finally got her to eat and drink that night and figured she'd be fine. But, she was up and down all night that night. I got zero sleep and took her out at 3 AM thinking she might have diarrhea again. When I woke up the next morning, I couldn't find her anywhere and started freaking out. (She normally sleeps in a ball curled up against my chest). I finally found her sleeping in our closet and there was more poop in the bathroom. She was shivering again so I took her to the vet. He thinks she just has colitis, which basically means swollen lower intestines and diarrhea. They wanted to do an x-ray to make sure she didn't eat anything but I said no (too much money). They gave her an anti-nausea medication and sent us home with antibiotics. They took a poop sample and will call with results if anything abnormal comes back.

Everything seemed great. The shot they gave her was working wonders. She was running around, eating, drinking, and slept great! Once that wore off, she seemed a little more lethargic. She didn't poop for well over 24 hours so I got worried again. Around 7 last night, she finally pooped and ate her dinner. Then, we played ball and I figured all was well.....

This morning, I woke up to her shivering like crazy again. I took her out and she could barely walk up the stairs. She refused to eat or drink and then fell when trying to jump up on the couch. She was walking with her butt down and acting really funny. I have no idea what's going on! I've taken her out several times cause she keeps sniffing her butt like she needs to go. Nothing. She took a few bites of food but that's it. If she's not better by tomorrow, I think we'll be doing the x-ray. This is definitely not good timing but I'm glad I'm off this week and able to tend to her. What a horrible way to spend her 2nd bday! :(

Sister Update: My sister is doing pretty awesome considering what her piece-of-shit husband has put her through. She has always been strong and independent and I admire how well she seems to be dealing with the situation she is in. She found even more concrete evidence that he was cheating, which I think has motivated her to continue moving forward with her life. She got herself a hot new Mustang convertible and a pretty tattoo. She's going out with girlfriends and living it up. I know it's still incredibly hard for her and don't doubt that she's hurting but she's my hero! I'm amazed at how level-headed and mature she has been through this entire process. I don't think I could do it.

I kept my niece this past weekend so that my sister could go out with a girlfriend. We took her out to play putt-putt golf and eat Mexican food. I tell you what, dealing with a teenage preteen that just hit puberty is a lot of work. She's a mess and I love her! I asked her how she was feeling about the divorce with her mom and stepdad. She didn't give a clear response but we did get on the topic of how things will be different now. Somehow, this turned into a conversation about how much better life will be without him in it. She seems to be handling it rather well. It's hard for me to understand how she may be feeling as this is her stepdad and she's much older than I was when my real dad left my mom. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong, tough woman just like her momma!

Excuse the language but I think this is
the perfect quote for both me and my sister. 

Fall: It's finally fall! The week started out super hot and summer-like. I went jogging Monday morning and by the time my jog was over, the sun was glaring down on me. I thought I was going to melt. This morning, I woke up to 52 degree weather! What?!?! That happened way too fast!

I cleaned the entire house and reluctantly decorated for fall yesterday. This is my absolute favorite time of year. Football, pumpkin everything, cute clothes, beautiful weather, and my birthday. But, the holiday season brings out a lot of feelings and mixed emotions. I'm afraid that having a failed FET (frozen embryo transfer) during this season will ruin it for me. I'm afraid I'll always think about and be reminded of our loss when fall rolls around. As I was decorating, I got teary-eyed. Every year, for the past 3 years, I've imagined that the next year, we'd be celebrating the holidays with a little one. I always tell myself that we'll decorate more and do fun crafts once we have a little one to join us. Yet, here were are, coming up on another holiday season in which it will just be us again. No little person to celebrate with. It's like mourning the loss of someone that never even existed.

Exercise: Being able to exercise again has been AMAZING! I think I've said this before but I feel great! I'm running a 5k in the morning with one of my best friends. With an FET coming up next week, this will probably be my last 5k for a while so I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it. My husband commented on how amazing I'm looking the other day. He couldn't believe it was from working out again after such a short time. My thoughts are that the lack of IVF meds and exercise has a huge impact on that. It made me feel so good that he noticed a difference though. I kind of feel like me again. :)

The best place for a fall jog

Infertility Updates
I've been taking Estradiol for about 2 weeks now. I'm up to 3 pills a day. I haven't noticed any crazy side effects, thank goodness. I'm still taking Vitamin D, prescription prenatals, DHA, baby aspirin, and Vitamin C each day.

My daily meds in preparation for the FET.

Today was my mid-cycle check. They did an ultrasound to check my lining, which was 8mm. A lining of between 8 and 13 mm is considered ideal for IVF treatment. Anything less reduces the chances of a transferred embryo from implanting. Low estrogen levels and poor uterine blood supply are sometimes responsible for inadequate growth. (https://www.ivfadvantage.com/preparing-uterine-lining). This is great news! I'll continue to take the estrogen pills as it thickens even more. If it had been thin, we would have had to reschedule the FET for next month and adjust the hormone levels. Thank goodness that didn't happen!

The nurse just called with my hormone levels. Estrogen is at 273, progesterone is at 0.3.  This is normal so we are good to continue with our protocol! The nurse drew targets on my butt for the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections that my husband will begin giving me tomorrow. As I was standing there, in the ultrasound room, half-naked, letting this woman draw circles on my butt, I couldn't help but start laughing. Not sure she thought it was funny, but hey! I threw my dignity out the window ages ago. I'm now sporting two beautiful black circles on each side of my ass. SEXY!!

Totally TMI but it makes me giggle.
It's good to find humor in some of this. 

Also, I had 20 follicles! TWENTY!!!!! I've never had more than 12. Go freaking figure that the one cycle we're not doing anything at all with my ovaries, I end up with more follicles than ever before. ARGH! My body hates me sometimes. All I know is that it better freaking take this embryo in and hold it tight while it grows and grows to become a little human being. I'm so ready to get this show on the road!

My current form of relaxation. I won't be able to do this after the transfer! 

My husband's job let him borrow this awesome car for a few days.
We had a blast driving around, imagining we were rich folks.
 Seriously, though, the cost of all our infertility treatments
could have gotten us this car.
(The driver's seat will give you a freaking back massage while you drive)!

(PS: Piper just ate all her food and drank all of the water in her bowl. HALLELUJAH!) 

Accidental Embryo Gender Reveal

Well, I know the gender of our one and only embryo. And I'm still trying to process how this happened.

Our Plans for Future Gender Reveals 
Before we ever started trying; long, long ago, in the days of fun-filled love making, naive conversations of having 3-4 children, and trying to figure out if we could make ends meet if I became a stay-at-home mom. Way back in those days, before we spent our retirement trying to make a baby, we used to talk about how we wanted to find out the gender of our child. My husband always said he didn't want to know until the day the baby was born. I wanted to find out sooner so that we could decorate and plan accordingly. But, the more we talked about it and the closer we got to trying, the more I started to like his idea of waiting. So, it was decided. We wouldn't know the gender of our child until he/she was born.

Here we are, YEARS later. We've been through a year of infertility treatments, with many failed cycles. Our sex life has gone from timing-it-perfectly to getting-it-in whenever we can between treatments and orders from the doctor to "abstain from sex." Our conversations consist of what we'll do if we can't have children, how we'll make ends meet now that we've spent every penny. Our whole idea of the future has completely shifted. But, we have an embryo. FINALLY, we have gotten far enough in the IVF process to transfer one precious embryo. Maybe, just maybe, we'll actually get to fulfill one small portion of our dream for the future.

Embryology Report
Yesterday, during my lunch break, I got an e-mail from the nurse with an attachment. She simply wrote, "Here is the information on your embryos." I've been e-mailing and asking her if I could meet with the RE to get more information on them. I wanted to know the grade of our PGS normal embryo and what was wrong with the abnormal one. So, I assumed the attachment had all of this information. I opened it and started scrolling through when, BOOM! I saw those letters! The two chromosomal letters that determine gender. In shock, I tried to scroll past it really fast. But, it was too late. I had already seen them. I know the gender of our two embryos. I was not ready for this!!! I didn't want to know.

We had one of each gender. The two embryos that made it to blast were a boy and a girl. (I won't type the actual gender of the one we will transfer for many reasons). I wish I didn't know! It took a while for me to sort through my feelings on this. I cried a little over the thought that we will never have a biological child of a certain gender, because it was the abnormal embryo. I was saddened by the thought that if this doesn't work, I know exactly what I'm losing. And, it upset me to think that I found out the gender all alone, at work, unexpectedly. I'd prefer to have been with my husband. It would have been nice to find out together at a time when we were ready.

Infertility ruins everything! Will anything ever be normal??

I debated whether or not to share what I knew with my husband. At first, I figured that I'd just wait to see if the transfer takes, if we can even get pregnant. That changed as soon as I pulled into the driveway after work. I thought, "I can't keep this from him!" So, I decided to tell him that I knew the gender and he could decide if he wanted to know or not. Telling him was harder than I thought. Why was I nervous? He seemed stunned and said that he didn't want to know. I'm totally okay with this. Actually, I'm getting a little excited about how I'll finally tell him. If the transfer works, and we are pregnant, then I'll plan a fun little gender reveal just for him. At least it can be special for someone in this relationship. Hopefully, he won't want to wait til birth cause that's a long time to keep a huge secret.

HOPE
Now that I know the gender, it makes me more hopeful. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm still trying to be very realistic and remind myself that this is not guaranteed. The blood test results came in yesterday. Everything came back normal. So, we've got everything going for us. We have a PGS normal embryo, no known causes of miscarriage, and lots of hormones working hard to make my uterus an ideal place for growing a baby. It's hard not to be hopeful at this point. But, knowing the gender makes it a little more real... harder to detach myself emotionally. And now all I can think about is possible names, how to decorate the nursery, what cute outfits I want to buy, what our future could possibly look like, etc. I'm trying not to think about those things because that's what makes this all so hard. Those were normal thoughts back before we knew I was infertile and that's what makes this journey so difficult. Knowing these dreams I've had since being a child were just that. Dreams. Nothing more.

A Wild Ride

This week has been quite an eventful week, to say the least. I've had some sort of infertility related event each afternoon.

Monday- Blood draw (8 vials of blood!!)
Tuesday- Hysteroscopy & last day of birth control
Wednesday- Another blood draw
Thursday- Baseline ultrasound and blood work
Friday- Just being me :)
Saturday (tomorrow)- Starting Estradiol (estrogen)

Hysteroscopy (HSC) Hell
As I explained in my last post, I was seriously dreading this procedure. It was everything I thought it would be. Pure torture! Some doctor I'd never met came in to do the procedure. That shook me up a little. I was expecting my doctor but whatever. No big deal. It's just another stranger messing around in my lady bits. *sigh* This guy was super caring and calm. He explained everything to me, told me that I could yell, "STOP!" if it was too much to handle, and asked if I had questions. I asked what the difference between this and a SIS was, explaining that the SIS was really uncomfortable for me. He explained that the HSC is different because they numb the cervix for this one but mostly because they actually put a scope inside your uterus. That's right, I had a scope INSIDE my uterus.

I warned them (the doctor and nurse) that I would probably be making a lot of noises to get through the pain. As he was getting everything set-up and putting the speculum in place, I started tearing up. "I may start crying but it'll be less about pain and more about my emotions and hormones. So, just ignore me," I blurted out. The doctor responded, "You've been through quite a bit." They gave me a ball of wadded up sterile paper to squeeze and he walked me through each step as it was happening. He had me cough with each Lidocaine injection into my cervix. Those weren't too terrible but the sound they made was definitely cringe worthy.

I tried to watch what was happening on the TV screen but it was so painful, I had a hard time focusing. Also, it just looked like a big white blob. "I'm looking at your left tube. Everything looks good there. I don't see any problems," said the doc. That's when I decided to just look away and breathe until it was over. I was on the verge of tears the entire time, breathing like I was in labor. At one point, I closed my eyes and had a quick out-of-body experience to escape the pain. When I opened my eyes and looked over I noticed that the nurse was pregnant. At that point, I just want to punch someone. But then I saw her face and she looked so incredibly concerned for me... like she was about to cry right along with me. And, I decided it was okay if she was pregnant. Maybe she had gone through this too?

I guess this adult mobile was supposed to keep me calm?

Hysteroscopy technology... the TV screen that
showed my white blob of a uterus.

When it was over, the doctor informed me that women often pass-out after this procedure because they try to get up too soon. I was instructed to take as much time as I needed before getting up. The nurse made me comfy and left the room to give me some privacy. I laid on that table and just cried. Hard, loud, sobbing cries. I cried at the shit I've been through for the past 3 years. I cried at the fact that I've had so many people and objects poking and prodding me. I cried that the procedure was finally over and we are one step closer to the end. I cried because life just isn't fucking fair. And then I cried all the way home as I sat in traffic with a cramping cervix.

That night, I treated myself to pizza (purposely homemade the night before) and an early bedtime. My husband brought me ice cream in bed and I snuggled up with the pup. I think I'll be okay... but that day was really tough.  

Gluten-Free 3-Meat Pizza.
Get in my belly!

Monday and Wednesday Blood Draws
Infertility makes you crazy. It makes you insane and paranoid. My paranoia is strong at this point! With the FET (frozen embryo transfer) quickly approaching, I have all kinds of worries in my head. Because I've never been pregnant, I don't know if my body is capable of carrying a child to full term. This is our one and only embryo and I want to make sure it's going to stay in there. So, I e-mailed the nurse asking about all types of diagnoses I've heard of. I have met so many infertile women who have experienced multiple miscarriages because of a particular medical issue that can be fixed. My RE called to discuss this with me. When I told her that I'd rather fix the problems before we lose our only embryo, she totally got it. She basically decided to treat me as a patient who has had multiple miscarriages and run all the tests they would run on someone in those shoes. She explained it all in great detail, which I genuinely enjoyed. The female body is so fascinating to me!

The tests were ordered but I had to go to a local lab to have the blood drawn (instead of my clinic). Monday's blood draw took forever! The lady didn't like any of my veins. The one she chose was practically in my elbow and drained so, so, sooooooo slowly. She finally gave up after a few vials and moved to a vein in my hand. She also dropped the vials of blood while still drawing from my arm. Seriously??? I have blood drawn at the RE office all the time and have never had any problems. I forgot to ask about testing my B12 levels so the RE sent in the order and I went back on Wednesday. This guy was better but drew from a vein on my bicep, which was surprisingly uncomfortable. Ugh! I hope I never have to go back there.

We should get the results this week. We decided not to test for MTHFR. She claims that almost everyone is a carrier of this (at least one strand) and the only treatment would be to take special folate prenatals. We decided to treat it as if I was a carrier so I am now on some special prenatals pills. Insurance covers this, making it much cheaper than the over-the-counter prenatals. Whoo-hoo!!!

Things I can remember (and pronounce) being tested for:
diabetes
natural killer cells
B12 levels

The others are things I've never really heard of. She went through them so fast, it was hard to keep up. Crossing fingers that these are all normal and will be a non-issue.

Thursday's Baseline
Short and sweet. I went in, had a quick blood draw. The RE wanded me and we were done in less than 2 minutes. She says she thinks we'll be good to go and to continue with the plan.

       

I thought I'd give you a glimpse into the
ultrasound room.

My Second Home

I have 3 residual follicles on my left ovary (all 14 mm). I e-mailed the nurse the next day to ask what this was because I've never heard them use this term before... and started to get paranoid again. So, I learned something new! A residual follicle is like a little cyst. It's a leftover follicle that didn't ovulate from the previous month. As long as it's not producing any hormones, it's no big deal and should go away on its own. My estrogen level was below 25, which indicates that they are not producing hormones. That's good news! YAY! (I still worry about them being there when it's time for the actual transfer).

Estradiol and Other News
I started taking the estrogen pills yesterday. No noticeable side effects yet. It's been a really rough weekend. My sister is in the midst of an unexpected divorce. She texted me about it on Monday and has been really struggling all week.She asked me to stay with her last night so that she wouldn't have to be alone. I had fun just chilling with her and my niece. But, it is so hard to see her hurting. Today, she confirmed that another woman is involved. My heart is breaking for her. I can't tell if it's the estrogen or the fact that this lying, piece of crap is tearing my sister and her family apart. But, I have definitely shed some tears over this. I'm still trying to process what's happening with that situation. It's hard not to let it effect me as I'm trying to stay calm,  relaxed, and stress-free. Writing about it may help. But, right now, I just need to figure out how to be supportive.
My heart is aching so much for her and my niece today. Maybe I should just allow myself to feel these feelings for a couple of days. I don't know how my sister is doing it. She's such a strong woman!

Maybe Not So Okay

Remember how I said I was going to relax, enjoy life, and be stress free? hahaha!!! What was I thinking? I've been driving myself crazy. Crying at every little thing has become a huge part of my life. I'm blaming it on the birth control. At certain points over the past week, I've felt like I was in a million different places emotionally. One second, I'm mad. The next second, I'm sad. Then, I'm laughing at myself for being crazy and then I start crying while reminding myself how happy I am. I feel like I just want to rip out of my own skin and take off running as far away from this infertility as I can get. I must finally be feeling the effects of having no control. Even through 3+ years of trying, failed IVFs, IUIs, medicated cycles and delays, I've never felt this way. I'm living in a nightmare.

Things I've cried about since Saturday:
- the thought of killing two spiders in our garage (they are still alive and happily eating away at all the moths they catch, which also makes me cry)
- the fact that the pet store had puppies outside for adoption
- I donated $1 to a doggie in need... and that made me cry
- the fact that Nacho Cheese Doritos aren't gluten free
- looking at my dog and thinking how freaking cute she is and how much I love her
- the 9/11 memorial at a local park near our house (I guess this one would be considered normal)
- seeing pictures from 10 years ago and immediately thinking about how naive I was, thinking I'd easily get pregnant one day... and wishing I could go back to such a happy time
- friends who talk about getting pregnant right in front of me, even after I ask them to change the topic

Happy Events Interrupted by Emotions
We had a big house party to celebrate my husband finishing up Graduate School and earning his MBA. I am beyond proud of this man! It took two long years of staying up all night, working on the weekends, and going to class twice a week to accomplish this goal. In this time, he lost a job and spent months searching for a new one. Then, started a new job and traveled for training. Then, he got promoted to an even more time-consuming position and trained for that.We were trying to get pregnant the entire time he was in grad school so there was a lot of, "I'm ovulating! We have to have sex tonight." This caused a lot of stress for both of us as we had to squeeze it in even when it was inconvenient and we were exhausted. Then, we began seeing the Reproductive Endocrinologist and so began our infertility treatment. He was doing semen analysis's, taking time off from a new job for appointments, taking care of me after procedures, and consoling one another after each failed cycle. Most of all, the money!! Oh, the money! Trying to figure out how to pay for his schooling AND infertility treatment has been extremely stressful. I don't know how he stayed so calm and cool throughout the past two years. I would have had an emotional breakdown. I can't imagine how stressed out he must have been.

To give him the recognition he deserves, I threw a graduation party at our house and invited all of our closest friends. We had a blast and I really enjoyed throwing him a party. (In my second life, I'm going to be an event/party planner because I absolutely love it). We had about 30 people over, playing pool, beer pong, Super Nintendo, indulging in some snacks, and drinking all the beer. I'd say it was a success! I was having a big, sober blast until some girlfriends started talking about fertility. They were down in the basement and I was trying to set up the camera so we could take a group picture. Here is what I heard from the conversation:
Girl 1: "Are you ovulating?"
Girl 2: "Yep!"
Girl 3: "YAY! My boobs are a little sore. How soon will I know? Like, how soon will they start getting sore?"
Girl 4: "It's different for everyone but could be pretty early."
Girl 1: "I haven't had my period in so long. I don't know what's happening but something is definitely going on."
Girl 2: "What??? Are you pregnant? Get pregnant with me. I don't want to do this alone!"

This is when I cut in because my crazy emotions were about to burst through. I felt like my face was on fire and my chest was tight trying to hold back anger, jealousy, and tears. I said, "Can we talk about something else, please? I really don't want to hear about this."

Girl 1: "Oh sure! Sorry!"
But, the rest of the girls continued having the conversation. I think I started randomly shouting out about not being able to get the camera to work cause I just wanted them to SHUT UP!!!! Girl 4 started asking if I'd been working out. She said I looked really good and asked what I'd been doing. I was still irritated with them so I made a snooty comment about finally being off hormones and just being normal for once. This is when Girl 2 says, "Oh yeah! I know about those hormones. I've been on them." "Oh really?" I wanted to sarcastically say, "Tell me all about the years and years of trying and failing. Tell me about being on hormones since February and having your twat wanded every day for months on end. Please do tell me more about all of the injections you've given yourself and the pills you've stuck up your vagina. Tell me how you felt when you did all of this work, spent thousands and thousands of dollars, and kept failing. Oh, wait, you haven't done that? That's right, I'd love to hear how a couple of months of trying with Clomid have made you crazy and bloated."

But, I didn't. I asked her what she had been on (progesterone) and confirmed that it wasn't fun. Normal-me would have a lot empathy for her. I don't know the entire story but do know that she has PCOS and started taking Clomid in April. I'm not sure why/when she took progesterone and I also don't know the entire story. I'm assuming the Clomid has helped her finally ovulate, resulting in the assumption that she will be able to get pregnant this month. Of course this is hard for her! Of course it's stressful and just as devastating as anyone else who deals with infertility. Who am I to get angry at her about a struggle I know too much about? I love this girl and want the best for her.
I'm just not emotionally stable right now and don't want to hear about her "not wanting to do this alone." I mean... I was standing right there. I've had multiple failures and she knows this. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not even an option as someone who could get pregnant at the same time as you.

It just fucking hurts being left out of the excitement women get about being pregnant (they don't know about my most current IVF cycle or the upcoming FET). After taking pictures, I ran upstairs to get away. I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to have fun.

About an hour later, I took the dog out. That's when I was overcome with emotion. I was standing in the front yard, in the dark, looking at my house, watching the people I love socialize. I just burst into tears. Life is just so unfair. There I was looking at all the wonderful things I have in life: a beautiful home, tons of amazing friends, an incredible husband, my dog, etc. and I was crying over the one thing I can't have: a baby.

Thanks, emotions, for interrupting my awesome night!

Infertility Update
Today is the final day of birth control!! Hallelujah!
Today is also my hysteroscopy and trial transfer.

Hysteroscopy (HSC): a procedure to make sure the inside of the uterus is of normal size and shape. They will assess the quality of the lining and check for fibroids, polyps, scar tissue, etc.
Description (provided by the clinic): The procedure is performed under local anesthesia. The local anesthetic consists of 3 transvaginal injections of lidocaine into the cervix. Then a thin telescope-like instrument (the hysteroscope) is passed through the cervical canal and into the uterine cavity. You will lie on an exam table with a speculum in place during most of the test. As the saline enters the uterus pictures of your pelvis will be taken. The results of the exam will be reviewed with you after all of the pictures are taken. You can view the procedure as it is happening on a TV type monitor.

I'll be taking 800 mg. of Ibuprofen beforehand and can expect to having mild to moderate cramping for the next day or so. I am dreading this! I'm so tired of things being stuck in my vagina and I especially hate when they pump liquid in there. The SIS I had done in March or February was very similar to this. It was so uncomfortable. I groaned and moaned in pain the whole time.

The trial transfer will be much easier as they just have to pass a catheter through my cervix and take notes for the real transfer in October. The only bad thing is that my bladder has to be full. I hope they let me pee before the HSC!

I plan to spend the afternoon treating myself to pizza, ice cream, and laziness. Maybe after today, I'll be less stressed out and more excited about what's to come.

**Pictures to be added later as our computer is being funny**

One and Only

It has been a crazy and eventful week! I've barely had time to write about all of the happenings in our lives. There are a lot of updates and a lot of feelings I'm still trying to sort through.

It feels so good to get back outside,
walking the dogs and getting some exercise

Well, Hello, Aunt Flow
Aunt Flow showed up unexpectedly early. For context, after my first round of IVF, I didn't start my period until day 36, which was 10 days longer than my normal cycle! After our canceled cycle, I started on day 32. So, I was really surprised when my period showed up on day 22 this time! In fact, I thought I was having abnormal bleeding from the egg retrieval. I called the nurse to let her know that I was concerned. It was so early on in my cycle and had only been a week since my egg retrieval.
She said that it was totally normal and that they had expected me to start that soon. Then, she told me that I needed to start taking birth control on day 3 of my cycle. Her exact words were, "Continue taking birth control until we get the PGS results back on your embryos. We're kind of in a hold until we get those results and then we can move forward with transfer preparation." My jaw dropped. I seriously feel like this is all happening so fast. I was expecting another two weeks before starting a new cycle... and now I'll be starting birth control!?!?! I didn't even know I was supposed to call when I started. I'm so glad I did!

PGS (Preimplatation Genetic Screening) Results
We already have the results from the genetic testing of our embryos!! Remember how they told me it would be 7-10 business days before we found out? Yeah, well, they lied! It was just 2 days! I was not prepared to get the news so soon. They screened the biopsies last Tuesday and the clinic called with the results on Thursday. I was driving home from work calculating how many more days until we had the results when I realized it had only been two days. "How am I going to make it another week or two without knowing?" That is exactly what I was thinking when I looked down at my phone and saw that I had a message from the RE's office. I assumed it was about scheduling our follow-up appointment so I listened to it.

The voicemail was upbeat as they let us know that 1 of our embryos tested normal and the other was abnormal. She congratulated us and wished us luck. And, that was that. I almost had to pull the car over. How did this news make me feel? Was it good or bad? I hadn't had time to prepare myself and sort through my feelings on the possible outcomes. I was in a serious state of shock, driving on in complete silence. I texted my two best girlfriends before anyone else and their reaction was of subtle support and excitement. Which helped me sort through my mood. It could be worse. We could have zero. At least we get this one chance.

This also happened to be a big day for my husband: his final day of grad school! I decided not to tell him about the embryos until after he got home and had time to celebrate finally being finished with school. He deserves to celebrate this huge accomplishment without infertility hanging on his shoulder. I surprised him with some decorations and a bottle of Crown Royal Black when he got home. He loved it! How do I know? He took a picture!!!! That's a big deal for a guy who hates pictures. :)

I told him about the embryo once he had a glass of Crown in his hand and was ready to chill on the couch. He was pretty upset. He definitely took it harder than me. I just have to keep reminding him that I have crappy eggs. Calming him down helped me sort through my feelings on the topic some more. The reason we chose to do genetic testing was because we had a very real chance of not getting any normal embryos. We knew this going into it. So, the fact that we were able to rule one out is a good thing because that was the point. Now we know, for sure, that we have a good embryo and can prepare for transfer.

surprise for my husband's last day of grad school

Frozen Embryo Transfer Prep
Once again, I am in awe over how quickly this is all happening. I called my nurse the day after receiving the PGS results. She immediately began working on my FET (frozen embryo transfer) protocol. I sent her an inventory of the meds I still have so that she could put in an order for what I would need. When I tell you that this protocol is crazy, I'm not doing it justice. It is insanely crazy! I've had to set reminders and alarms on my phone for the next month just to make sure I don't forget anything. Check it out (if you can keep up):

August 29- Start prenatals and low dose Aspirin (I've been on prenatals for over 3 years now but, yes, I'll continue taking them).

August 31- Start birth control pills

September 13- Take last birth control pill

September 15- Baseline Ultrasound/ Bloodwork

September 17- Start taking Estradiol- twice a day

September 22- Increase Estradiol- three times a day

September 30- Mid-cycle ultrasound and blood work (This appointment will determine if my uterine lining is ready for a transfer. If it's too thin, we may need to up the dose of Estradiol or cancel and wait til my next cycle. If it's thick enough, we move forward).

October 1- Start Progesterone in Oil injection (.5 ML per day)

October 2- Increase Progesterone in Oil (1 ML per day)

October 3- Begin taking Medrol

October 5- Blood Draw. Follow a low sodium diet and stay very hydrated

October 6- Embryo Transfer Day! Take 1 Xanax an hour before arrival. Take 800 mg of Ibuprofen to relax the muscle of the uterus. Come in with a full bladder.
After the transfer, take a Doxycycline with lunch and with dinner. Continue Medrol, Estradiol, and Progesterone injections. No exercise or intercourse until after the pregnancy test.

Were you able to keep up? I'm overwhelmed just typing it out! And guess what? That's not everything! I got a call this week telling me that I need to schedule a hysteroscopy and trial transfer while still on birth control. So, I have that scheduled for next Tuesday, the 13th. Today, I received an e-mail explaining that Tuesday's appointment would not be covered by insurance and is not included in the Attain Program we paid for. What does that mean? Another $1500 or so out-of-pocket costs. UGH! This crap is bleeding us dry.

In The Meantime
Right now, I'm trying to enjoy being normal for a bit. I've started eating a little better and have gotten really strict with my gluten-free diet. I'm to the point of calling restaurants and speaking to the chef about my options beforehand. I quit drinking alcohol (again) and am really cutting back on the caffeine. I allow myself 1 cup of coffee on Tuesday and Thursday only. Eventually, I'll cut out caffeine all together. I'm slowly getting back into exercising and am feeling great!

Yesterday was our 6th wedding anniversary. But, we started dating 10 years ago! We celebrated with a morning hike then had lunch at a little cafe near our house. My best friend sent a date-night gift card the day before my egg retrieval so we used that to help us celebrate at dinner. I spent the in-between time relaxing and enjoying the day off. I took the longest, most relaxing bubble bath and enjoyed every single second of it. I felt like a new woman afterwards! It is so nice to just live a normal life for a little bit. My goal is to continue doing what makes me feel good. I'm not stressing out about anything and am trying to stay positive. What happens next is beyond my control.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Beautiful view on our Anniversary hike