Who Am I?

I created this blog in April... maybe May? I don't remember. The point in starting it was to document our journey to getting a baby, but mostly as an outlet for me to write about my feelings throughout this incredibly difficult process. As I've been searching online for any and every little thing that I can relate to, I have found it very helpful to read blogs from men and women who have experienced infertility. It disappoints me that people know practically nothing about infertility, IVF, adoption, etc. In some small way, I'd like to be a voice for infertility. If anything, I'd just like to be that blog that a fellow infertile happens upon and is able to relate to and/or pull information from. But, it was so hard just trying to start the blog. Writing about my infertility meant facing those feelings and the reality of the situation. It meant putting myself out there ready for questions and hurtful comments (yes, those are common). Instead, I drowned myself in work as we went through IVF #1 and now, here I am rounding up for #2 and feeling ready to face reality. I think I'm okay with putting it all out there now as I'm in an okay place emotionally and ready to share.

I guess the next step is to introduce myself and give some history. So, here goes nothing!

Hi! My name is Miss Mermaid (alias) and I'm infertile. :)

How can I keep this short and to the minimum? I'll probably have to break it down into separate posts. It's A LOT! We'll start from the very beginning of the journey, when we decided we wanted children.

The Beginning:

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. I'm 30. He's 32. We always said that we'd start trying when I turned 27. When that time came, we just weren't ready yet, so we kept waiting. I hate that we did that but there was no way we could have known how difficult this would be. I went off birth control in spring of 2013 with the idea of letting my body find it's natural rhythm. We officially began trying to conceive around March of 2014. I was so ready! I started taking prenatals. I bought cocoa butter lotion for stretch marks. I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler (AWESOME BOOK! I highly recommend it for anyone trying to conceive or wanting to use natural birth control). I began taking my temperature every morning and tracking my cervical mucus and periods. We ordered and began using Pre-Seed as opposed to other lubricants that slow sperm down. We even traded our Honda Accord for an SUV so that we'd have a family car with easy carseat access. We were ready and I knew exactly how to get what we wanted! I even took a before-pregnant-picture of myself to remember "how great I looked before having a baby." Sad, isn't it?

The first few months were okay. I was devastated when my period came but just kept right on trying thinking that it would happen the next month. I eventually gave up on the temperature thing. It was way too inconsistent. A friend recommended ovulation strips because she got pregnant using those twice. So, I began tracking ovulation with the strips. We were doing EVERYTHING right. I had absolutely perfect cycles and could predict the exact day of ovulation and period every month. It just didn't make sense. I decided to bring it up to my GYNO at my annual appointment that fall. I lied about how long we'd been trying because, technically, I'd been off birth control for 1 1/2 years at this point. She did an AMH test (Anti-Mullerian Hormone, tests your ovarian reserve/egg count) and said everything was fine! We did a couple of tracked natural cycles. This meant having an ultrasound around ovulation so that they could tell me exactly when to "do it." We did this once or twice with no luck. So, she put me on Clomid. Well, she prescribed Clomid. But, I didn't take it right away because my husband got laid off from his job. Perfect timing, right?

I was 150% ready to try it anyways. But, he thought it was a bad idea to have a "guaranteed pregnancy" when he didn't know when he'd be able to get a job. (We were so naive). I filled the prescription and kept it handy for whenever he was ready. A couple of months later, we decided to just try it. This took a lot of coaxing from me. I kept giving him pep talks: we are doing fine on one income, a baby takes 9 months and he will surely have a job by then, our parents will help us without questions, no matter what happens we can do this and make it work, we shouldn't be wasting a whole lot of time, the natural way just isn't working anymore, etc. In November, he gave me the okay to take Clomid. This was it! I just knew it would work! I looked at my calendar, figured out the time-frame of when the baby would be due, and even began planning how we would announce the news to friends and family. This was near the end of November.

I called the GYNO to let them know I began taking the meds. They wanted me to come in on cycle day 14 for an ultrasound. As obsessed as I was with tracking everything about my body, I KNEW this would be too late. I told the lady on the phone that I ovulate pretty early, usually cycle day 10 or 11 but that I have ovulated as early as day 9. She seemed annoyed and told me that they wouldn't see me any earlier than cycle day 12. So, I went in on cycle day 12. The point of this appointment was to do an ultrasound so that we could see how many follicles (kind of like sacks that hold the eggs) had grown and to see how close I was to ovulation. SURPRISE! I had already ovulated "on the right side" says the Ultrasound tech. She seemed shocked and amazed. She took all of her notes and information and sent me to the room to wait for my GYNO. The GYNO seemed a little surprised at the results, as well. She tells me that I have a small cyst on the right ovary (side effect of Clomid) and that it was pretty normal and should go away by the beginning of my next cycle. She says that I still have two follicles on my left ovary so, "Have sex and see what happens." We scheduled another ultrasound appointment for the next month to check on my ovaries. And that was that! I was devastated and pissed and cried (but only to myself as I didn't want to stress my husband out while he was job-hunting). And, we had sex every other day for about a week. Nothing happened.

The Climax of Clomid

This is where the story gets emotionally difficult for the first time. I arrived to my next appointment with the GYNO just before Christmas Break. I was excited at the thought of giving this Clomid another try now that they know I'll ovulate early. As I'm sitting in the waiting room, my husband's best friend and wife walk in. They looked incredibly shocked to see me sitting there. It only took a couple of seconds for me to process WHY they were there. There's no other reason for the man to assist his woman to the OB/GYN and to be looking as shocked as he was to see me there. They tried doing small talk and I told them I was there for an ultrasound because something just wasn't right. They kept avoiding my questioning as to why they were there. Then, I was called back for my ultrasound. 4 CYSTS! FOUR!!! Two on each ovary and they were HUGE! I will never forget what the ultrasound tech said to me, "You definitely won't be going back on Clomid. What have you been eating!?!?" I went through a list of my normal daily foods and admitted that I'd been pretty bad because of the holidays. She commented that I was eating way too many carbs and needed to lay off. (Looking back on this, I wish I would have smacked her). I was sent back out to the waiting room to hang out with my friends. They finally told me that they were there for an ultrasound because she was 6 weeks pregnant. The shock in seeing me was that they hadn't told anyone yet and now I knew. I promised to keep it a secret and wished her luck. The story is that they decided to try for a baby so she went off birth control for a month. Then, they decided that they weren't quite ready so she was waiting for her period to get back on birth control... and it never came. That lucky bitch. One try and they were pregnant. I was handling it okay and was truly happy for them until I met with the GYNO. She explained that my cysts were all between 4.5-6.5 mm. Admitting that she had never seen anything like this and that I would have to go on birth control for a few months to get rid of them was the worst moment of my life. I burst into tears and told her about running into my pregnant friend in the waiting room. She was very sympathetic and reassured me that in 3 months, she'd try a different medication and would get me pregnant. Off I went to take my birth control and wallow in self pity for 3 months.

Until the next post...
Instead of hating life for 3 months, I decided to enjoy it. I researched diets and learned what was best for the body when trying to have a baby. I cut the carbs out, like the ultrasound tech suggested, and began eating healthier than ever before. We had sex for fun and I enjoyed 3 months of living a normal life that didn't involve tracking cycles, peeing on ovulation strips, and timing sex. It was a nice break from ttc (trying to conceive). And, it gave me time to renew the positive hopes of getting pregnant...