Moving Forward

Post-Failure

I knew something wasn't right when the embryologist didn't call on day 5, like we were told. Most embryos make it to blast on day 5. I was incredibly anxious throughout the day and the call never came. It's impossible to get in touch with anyone in that office. Normally, you leave a voicemail or e-mail and someone will get back to you. The nurse probably thinks I'm crazy because of the messages I left her asserting how angry I was that we hadn't gotten any updates. Don't you people know how tortuous this is!?!??!

Day 6 is when I got the call. I was teaching that morning, so I listened to the voicemail as soon as I dropped my class off at specials. The news came as I was walking past the library. I simply could not wait until I was somewhere private. The embryologist said that both embryos had been doing excellent but that they had stopped growing on day 5. They waited an extra day to see if time would help but both arrested.

A good friend/coworker of mine was walking with me and asked if I had heard anything (he was one of the few I had told about this). When I told him what I had just heard, he asked if I was okay... and I thought I was. I went back to my classroom and tried to work as if nothing had happened. This couldn't be real life. It couldn't be my life. I didn't want to accept it.

Numb would be the best way to describe my feelings that day. As soon as I'd heard that only two eggs fertilized, I prepared myself for the reality of not having any embryos. I was trying to be realistic with my diagnosis and the statistics of IVF. But, it didn't help stop the pain of finding out there are no embryos to freeze, no chances of having a baby. I finally went to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, texted my best friends with the news, and cried for 15-20 minutes. Oddly, that was the only time I cried over this. Maybe I had prepared myself for this reality... or maybe I just didn't want to feel the pain. But, I did a decent job of moving on and looking forward to cycle 2.

WTF Appointment
Infertiles like to call the appointment after a failed or canceled cycle a "WTF appointment" because, well, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Our appointment went rather well. Apparently, the embryos had been growing wonderfully until day 5. Our RE explained the grading scale they use to determine how well the embryos are growing in preparation for a transfer or freezing. She used pictures to show examples and was able to show us when ours dropped off the face of the planet. There was no explanation for the arresting of embryos or the fact that I had 5 empty follicles. She legitimately seemed stumped as to what had happened.

Many say that the first round of IVF is usually diagnostic. During IVF, doctors learn more about your particular body and may be able to find out what's happening when the natural baby-making fails. Our RE wants to tackle the problem of empty follicles and immature eggs. She took our case to the monthly meeting she has with other infertility specialists and they came up with a plan to help ensure that we get mature eggs in the next round.

Mini- Stim
The protocol for IVF #2 was dubbed Mini-Stim. The protocol is a 2-cycle plan that gives the follicles more time to grow and mature.
Step 1) Begin taking Estrace (estrogen) 3 days after getting a positive ovulation test. From my understanding, this is supposed to help ensure that there are more follicles and that they all grow at the same rate. Click Here for an Explanation of Estrace Priming
Step 2) Do a baseline Ultrasound at the start of my period to make sure we're good to go
Step 3) Begin Cetrotide injections on Days 2-8. (Cetrotide prevents ovulation).
Step 4) Begin taking 100 mg. of Clomid on days 9-13

                (SIDENOTE: I was NOT feeling good about taking Clomid. Remember when I was benched for cysts over a year ago? It was Clomid's fault and I'd taken a much lower dose then! My RE assured me that it would be okay. All cysts would be drained during egg retrieval, if there were any. I trusted her and agreed to take them... even though I can't even say the name without shuddering!)

Step 5) Begin a low dose of Gonal-F Injections on day 11 and continue until egg retrieval. 

Step 6) Begin Cetrotide injections again when told.

Step 7) When the follicles are all big and ready to go, I will be giving myself 3 different trigger               shots, spaced out over a 36 hour period. Trigger shots usually help the follicles grow and is a                great time for the eggs to mature. I guess that's why they wanted to do 3??

Step 8) Egg Retrieval

We had a new plan. The school year was coming to an end. I would have the summer to focus on taking care of me without the stress of taking off work, making up excuses as to why I'm out all the time, trying to focus on teaching, writing and preparing sub plans for each of the millions of appointments, stressing over the fact that my sub didn't fill and there was no one to watch my class, worrying because I was missing precious teaching time and wouldn't be able to fit everything in, trying to grade papers and write lessons at home, and so on. I was STOKED that we'd be able to try our new plan during my summer break. If we can just get one good embryo, I'll be happy. And, so we waited for that positive ovulation test...

IVF. Take 1.

I think it's safe to say that I panicked upon learning about my diagnosis. How had my AMH gone from 2.4 to .74 in less than 2 years?!? At this rate, I'll be egg-free in a year... no eggs left! This made me super anxious so I rushed around trying to get the first round of IVF started as soon as possible. The second IUI had failed and I wanted to start IVF the next day.

That plan didn't work out so well. My poor husband had to do a lot of listening and try to talk some sense into my irrational behavior. There just wasn't time to get everything in place before starting IVF. So, we waited a month and tried naturally one last time. 

There are so many different protocols and options that come with IVF. I had no idea! First, we had to figure out how we were going to pay. We had a financial consult over the phone to review our options and pricing. (I did this at my Dad's house because it was on the way home from work. I can only imagine what he was thinking when I kept asking about genetic testing and frozen embryos). There are several programs that help infertile couples save money and others that offer grants. Sadly, we didn't have the luxury of time to wait around for a grant. We ended up using the Attain Program. In this, we get two rounds of IVF, unlimited frozen embryo transfers, and a fresh transfer. We had to apply for a loan in order to pay Attain who, then, pays the clinic. We end up saving a few thousand dollars by using the program, rather than paying the clinic directly. The other great thing is that once Attain pays, I don't have to worry about anything. I can go to my appointments and leave without paying or running things through insurance. 

(The financial strain of this whole process is an added bonus to help couples sort through their emotions in such a stressful time in life. Insurance companies really know what they're doing by denying women/men with a medical diagnosis' any infertility coverage. America is great. :-|)

Let's Get This Show On the Road

Every cycle starts with an ultrasound on Cycle Day 2-3. This is to ensure that everything looks good to go and there aren't any cysts. The RE also does a Saline Infusion Sonography (SIS) prior to starting the cycle. This is a lot like the hysterosalpingogram. The purpose in doing a SIS is to get a good look at the uterus and make sure the lining and shape are okay. They use the ultrasound stick/wand so they can see the uterus on the monitor. While the doctor is looking around and evaluating the uterus, the nurse is pumping sterile fluid/saline into the uterus. This was MUCH MORE painful than the HSG. I was moaning, sweating, squeezing anything I could get my hands on. It's what I imagine a contraction feels like. I just wanted to die! But, everything looked perfect so we were ready to go. 

I started the protocol on April 6 by taking birth control to suppress my ovaries. This is pretty common with most IVF protocols. Here is how the rest of my protocol went:

April 17- Began Micro-dose Lupron injections every 12 hours (6 AM and 6 PM). This was to prevent ovulation. I also began taking letrozole and dexamethosone orally. 

April 18- Began Gonal-F and Menopur injections each night (these are stimulants to get those ovaries working hard). 

                                            

April 22- First Monitoring Appointment (Ultrasound and bloodwork). I had 10 follicles and all was progressing normally.

April 23- Began Omnitropin (growth hormone) injections each night... along with the other 3.

April 24- Ultrasound and bloodwork. All was progressing nicely but I only had 5 follicles, which put me in quite the sour mood. Where did the other 5 go?!

Check out My Battle Wounds- that's just one side of my stomach!

April 26- Ultrasound and bloodwork- MORE follicles appeared! All look goods. 

April 27- Ultrasound and bloodwork confirm that I'm about ready for an Egg Retrieval with 9 follicles. I did my trigger shot that night to start ovulation. 

April 29- Egg Retrieval- They were only able to get 4 eggs from 9 follicles. ;(

                                                       

                                                                 Ready to Go Under

April 30- Embryologist called to let us know that only 2 of the 4 eggs were mature and that both fertilized. We will have to wait 5 days to find out if they grew to blast and are ready to biopsy for genetic testing and freeze.

May 6th- Embryologist calls to inform us that both embryos arrested on Day 5. We do not have any embryos to test or freeze. About $6,000 in meds plus about $20,000 spent for this one round is gone in a snap and we have nothing to show for it.

  IVF #1 officially failed.

First Appointment with an RE

Our first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist was in January. I had my list of questions and all of my documented cycles charted out and ready to go. I was determined that I had a Hyperactive thyroid issue. I went in thinking we could test that and get this show on the road! After all, my family has a history of thyroid problems and according to Dr. Google, I have a few of the symptoms.

The initial visit was basically like a "getting to know you" type of visit. The doctor looked through the files that had been sent over from my OB/GYNs. They took a look at my husband's sperm analysis. Everything seemed perfect. At that first visit, she declared that I was diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility." At first, it sounds great! Unexplained means that it will eventually work because everything is perfect and normal. There's nothing stopping us! But, then, it gets annoying. I WISH I had a diagnosis so that we would know how to attack it. Having a reason for all of this madness would make me feel better about the lack of outcomes we've had.

Our RE was amazing! She drew diagrams to help us understand what she was explaining. She went through the steps we would need to take in order to begin treatment and even explained how all of the millions of tests could tell us what was going wrong. I had my blood drawn that day to check for thyroid issues. Trust me, I wasn't leaving the office without it. My husband and I spent the next couple of weeks having various tests done (genetic testing, STD testing, semen analysis, and other unheard of blood testing).

This was our plan:
1) Wait for all of the test results.
2) Do three IUIs (intrauterine insemination) hoping that one would work.
3) If those don't work, move to IVF.

All of our blood work came back great. No genetic issues, no STDs, my thyroid was functioning perfectly, the SA came back normal, and so on. So, we moved forward with our first IUI.

Intrauterine Insemination

Our first IUI was on Sunday, February 21st. In preparation for this cycle, the RE prescribed Letrozole, which is very similar to Clomid but has less side effects. They monitor your cycle with ultrasounds and blood work to make sure everything is going as planned. They're also checking to see how many follicles your ovaries have produced to reduce the risk of a multiples pregnancy. Guess what my lovely ovaries produced? ONE! One measly follicle. They could have done that on their own, without the Letrozole. I started testing for ovulation around Cycle Day 9 and called the office when I got a positive ovulation test. They scheduled us to come in 24 hours later.

My husband had to go in at 7:30 AM to do his business in a cup. Then, the clinic washed the sperm and got it ready for me. I went in around 9:30 AM. It was pretty odd having a nurse show me a test tube filled with my husband's sperm. But, I'm glad I was able to verify. (Can't be having other people's babies)!

Once they verified that they had the right test tube, they put it in a long catheter. I laid back with my feet in the stirrups while they put the catheter through my cervix and squeezed all of the sperm out. It was quick and painless. They let me lay there for about 5 minutes before leaving. Having to pay the $400+ bill on the way out reminded me just  how shitty this whole situation is. Insurance doesn't cover anything infertility related and here I am paying half a thousand dollars to have someone squirt cum in my vagina (sorry for the vulgarity). But, at this point, I was still pretty naive and thought this would work! I even said something to my husband about how exciting it was to think that we could have a baby by Christmas.

Sometime during the two week wait, my hope diminished. Maybe it was because I had googled the success rate of IUIs, which is less than 10%. Maybe it was because I wasn't having any symptoms. Or, maybe it was because I just had some intuition that it didn't work. Sure enough, my period came. But, I knew we were going to try again so I didn't let it get me down. I was geared up for IUI #2.

Our 2nd IUI was on March 20th. This time I had 3 follicles! I was so proud of my ovaries for responding appropriately. During this cycle, we met back with the RE to go over some test results. This is when we got the bad news...

It's My Ovaries' Fault
The doctor told us that my AMH and FSH had come back out of range.

AMH- Anti-Mullerian Hormone. is tested to get an idea of the remaining egg supply/ovarian reserve. A low number could indicate that there aren't a lot of eggs left.
FSH- Follicle Stimulating Hormone. This is tested to get an idea of how normal the ovarian reserve is. The harder your body has to work to produce eggs, the higher your FSH. Having a high/abnormal FSH could mean that you don't have many eggs left or that the eggs are not good quality. As women age and get closer to menopause, the FSH increases.

My results: 
AMH- .74 (They like it to be between 1.5-4)
FSH- 12.4 (They like it to be less than or equal to 10-12)

At this point, she requested that we move straight to IVF. She explained that my ovaries seem to be aging a little faster than me and that I didn't have a lot of time. The reason she recommended IVF was because she thought we'd be able to get the eggs out while they're still there and freeze embryos for future siblings. Needless to say, the second IUI failed also and we were officially on the IVF train... ready to throw all of our savings and money out the windows, in the hopes of making a baby.


PS: DON'T Google high FSH if this is your diagnosis. Everything will tell you that IVF won't work and that you won't ever be able to have babies. Which caused me to have my first panic attack EVER. I've never cried so hard in my life. This is the absolute worst diagnosis in the world.

Father's Day

I'm going to take a little break from the introduction posts. It has taken much longer to introduce our story than I had expected. I guess I should have started blogging sooner.

Today I'm posting about Father's Day... and Mother's Day. For those of you who have never dealt with infertility, it's impossible to understand how difficult these two days are. Imagine spending your whole life planning to have a family only to find that that may never happen. (I used to want 4 children!) We bought a house fit for children, with a basement we never use, an island they can do homework at while I cook, extra bedrooms, etc. When we finally decided we were ready to try, I had planned out the date range of the birth based on my school calendar. When it didn't happen in that time range, we kept going. When it still didn't happen, we kept going. The first Mother's Day rolled around and it was a little difficult but I told myself, "This time next year, we'll be able to celebrate. Maybe we'll find out we're pregnant around Father's Day so that can be a gift to my husband." But then those days came and went and we still weren't pregnant.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, the news, TV shows, movies, EVERYTHING revolves around being a happy family on these holidays. People post quotes and articles about the joys and blessings of being a mother or father. Media is a constant reminder of what we can't have, no matter how much we want it! Having this thrown in your face over and over is heartbreaking. Some of those commercials with the sappy music just make me want to scream. It's like someone is ripping my heart out and mocking me for not having the one thing others' seem to have. (Trust me, I know this is not the intention at all but this whole process will turn you into a justified, bitter human being).

 My first round of IVF failed (spoiler alert!) a couple of weeks before Mother's Day this year and I just couldn't handle it. So, my mom and husband agreed that we could just ignore the holiday. We stayed home that day to avoid seeing all of the happy families. I stayed off social media for 2 weeks because, did you know? There's a Mexican Mother's Day too. It occurs right around Mother's Day and people continue posting sappy Mother's Day sentiments. Ignoring that day was exactly what I needed. Whenever a commercial comes on with a baby or parents, we either mute it or change it immediately. Sad, isn't it?

Father's Day seems like it would be easier for female infertiles. But, part of me feels guilty that my husband isn't a father. Technically, it's my body's fault. I know it's beyond my control but it doesn't stop the hurt. The commercials were getting to me and I couldn't help but wonder how my husband feels about it. I don't think he's phased by it as much as I am. Work and school have him pretty occupied at the moment. (I sometimes wonder how he's dealing with the stress of grad school, a new job, and infertility so well).

Anyways, I was okay until I took the dog out Saturday night. The streets of our neighborhood were filled with cars. It seemed like everyone was having a Father's Day celebration. I felt like Kevin in the original Home Alone movie, when he was walking through his neighborhood watching all of the family Christmas gatherings, knowing he was going home without one. Across the street, I could see children playing basketball with their Grandpa. Next door, there were children screaming and laughing while their dads tickled them and I could actually see that through the window. A little further up, you could hear a family gathering as they grilled out on the back patio. Suddenly, I started crying. I kept thinking that this couldn't be real. It feels too much like a movie. I turned to head back to my house and thought how sad it is that we'll be carrying on as usual with our child free life... and we may never have grandchildren... and we won't get to have big family gatherings... and that's what made the tears feel a little heavier.

It's a really tough day for couples dealing with infertility. So, if you know anyone who is going through treatment or testing, send them some love on those days. And, remember not to rub it in their faces that you've been blessed with wonderful children. Be sensitive and caring at these times. You can't possibly understand how terrible it is until you're in the situation yourself.

On A Happier Note
I took my dad out to lunch on Friday to avoid the Father's Day crowd and show him some love. Sunday was my mom's birthday. Since we skipped Mother's Day this year, we decided to celebrate that and her birthday together. So, we had my mom and stepdad over for a late lunch. I cooked a really yummy recipe that I found on the Everyday Occasions blog (see link below). It was a Rustic Penne Shrimp Pasta in a Parmesan and Red Pepper Cream Sauce. Except that my mom can't have shrimp so I substituted it with cubed chicken. And I used Boles gluten-free penne pasta so that it would be safe for me to eat. I bought Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake for dessert, which we enjoyed with decaf Peruvian coffee. Mom got her Mother's Day gift along with her birthday gift all at one time. My stepdad seemed touched by his gift but was careful not to take the birthday glory away from Mom. (He's good like that). The dogs played and wore each other out. Overall, we had a really great time! I never had to leave the house and had fun spoiling my mom.

So, now.... maybe this time next year, we can celebrate too? I'll try not to let that thought creep in and stick around. Hope is exhausting.

Click here for the Pasta Recipe!


This picture comes from Jenny Steffens Hobick's blog where I got the recipe. Mine didn't look that pretty.

It's Getting Real...continued Intro.

Infertility can literally make you crazy. After the HSG, I searched the internet for stories of women who successfully got pregnant after an HSG. I read them to my husband, shared with my friends, and got myself all psyched up! I continued planning announcements and figuring out the timeline. If my period was even a few hours late, I started praying to every God that exists begging for it to never come.

For 3 months, we continued trying naturally. Timed intercourse with positive ovulation using Pre-Seed and putting my feet in the air afterwards (with a pillow under my butt to raise the hips). At this point, it was so routine I forgot how weird that was. No alcohol during the tww (two week wait) and very little exercise. 

I began eating much healthier and slowed down with the coffee. Being a 3rd grade teacher during the holidays isn't easy. So, the healthy eating slowly mixed in with unhealthy habits and the coffee made it's way back into my life. Trust me, I needed it with 22 rambunctious children running around the room waiting for a break from school, Santa, trips out of town, candy, class parties, etc. YEESH! For Christmas, I received over $150 in Starbucks gift cards. That's how serious my coffee drinking had become. EVERYONE KNEW IT! 

The end of our 3-months of hopeful trying happened to be a couple of days before Christmas when we were gearing up for a road trip halfway across the country. It shook me up really bad! I felt like screaming, crying, punching everything in sight. I just wanted to give up. How was it even possible that I still wasn't pregnant?!? I've done everything right. My cycles are perfect. I ovulate every month. My husband had his sperm analysis done and the whole office was bragging about his numbers. I had tried weird diets, given up alcohol and caffeine (at times). I held my feet up after intercourse and EVEN went to sleep afterwards on occasion. There was no reason for us not to be pregnant! But, I had to move forward.

We decided to drive to the in-laws so that we could take our dog with us. There's no way I'm taking my poor puppy on a plane and forcing her to stay in a crate through all the travel. Also, I've become quite attached to this dog. We got her shortly after we began trying. My husband wanted a dog more than anything and I kept fighting it. He basically forced this to happen and I'm so happy he did. She's definitely been a positive in my life. People may think I'm obsessed but I think it's okay to fall in love with a devoted animal that loves me unconditionally. :) She makes me laugh and gives me a reason to get up and moving everyday. She lets me squeeze her when I cry or licks the tears off my face. It's a win-win situation.

Our puppy on Christmas

While visiting the in-laws, I obsessively googled reasons that one may not be able to get pregnant. As fate would have it, a girl I knew from middle school posted her pregnancy announcement on Facebook stating that it had taken years for them to finally get there. I decided to message her to see what she meant by that. Lucky for me, she was more than willing to share her story and help out. They were able to get pregnant with IVF and learned that her thyroid was the main issue. I searched relentlessly for thyroid problems and began diagnosing myself. Her messages were so encouraging and helpful, it brought me to tears. I messaged my best friends about this (in our ongoing group text), and my fellow infertile friend suggested I see her Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Trust me, this was not the first time she had suggested this. I kept blowing it off thinking that nothing was wrong and I'd eventually get pregnant. I'm not sure why I actually listened this time, but I did. 

On the way home from our trip to the in-laws, I shared everything with my husband. He was very supportive. We called and made our first appointment with an RE right there in the car. That's the first time I actually felt like this was an official thing, me being infertile. It felt real and hurt like hell. But, we were seeing a specialist and I just knew that they'd be able to help...

Waiting for Nothing

In the last post, I took you WAY back to the beginning of our infertility journey. It's a lot of story so here's post #2, continuing the story and hopefully catching up to where we are now (doubt that'll happen).

After 3 Months

As I said in the last post, I had to go on birth control for 3 months to get rid of the cysts. (Clomid is the devil). At the end of 3 months, I went back to my GYN. We did an ultrasound and WHOOOOO!!! The cysts were gone. I mentioned that my husband didn't have a job so we weren't sure if we should try anymore medications. Her response: Everything is fine. You're young. Nothing is wrong. Just keep trying and have fun with it. It'll happen! :|

Asking how long I should wait before taking anymore medical action seemed like a good idea. (I really wish we'd been more proactive during this time). But, she told me to come back in 6 months if I wasn't pregnant then made a comment about me being pregnant the next time I came in. Her confidence made me feel hopeful.  

Remember that friend I told you about (the pregnant one that I ran into in the doctor's office)? Obviously, she continued seeing the OB/GYN and informed me that they took out the "OB!" They were no longer handling anything that dealt with pregnancy. The GYN I had been working with moved to a new office and everything had changed. Surprised, shocked, and disappointed, I took this as an opportunity to find somewhere closer to home. But, man, was I pissed?!?

The Worst 6 Months

I waited 6 months, like the GYN said. It was terrible. Can I just tell you how awful it is to continue seeing your period month after month? Can I also tell you how emotionally draining it is to get your hopes up every single time you get a positive ovulation test and have sex the day before, the day of, the day after, and maybe the day after that just to be safe? Let me just make a quick list of the crazy things that happened during that 6 months:

1) Became gluten free (I do have a history of gluten intolerance so not completely off the wall)

2) Quit drinking coffee

3) Drank less alcohol

4) Drank more alcohol (every time that damn period came)

5) Started eating organic

6) Quit working out (maybe I was running too much?)

7) Started eating gluten because, dammit, I love pizza!

8) Google everything related to making a baby

9) Resent every woman with a child

10) Cry in the shower (so as not to stress the husband out who is currently job searching and in the midst of grad school)
11) Cry in the car
12) Cry when there's a pregnant woman
13) Cry when there's a baby
14) Cry when there's a father happily enjoying time with his son/daughter
15) Get depressed about not working out so....start working out/running again!
15) Take lots of naps and sleep because time isn't going by quick enough
16) Try having more sex
17) Try having less sex
18) Start drinking as much coffee as I want because DAMMIT it makes me happy!!!
19) Eat a lot of asparagus because it's good for my eggs???
20) Put cinnamon in my coffee cause it's good for reproduction (stupid Pinterest)
21) Get angry whenever someone wants to talk about babies
22) Flick people off who post baby announcements on FB
23) Start saying "Eff you and you and you" whenever someone announces a happy moment with their baby/child/pregnancy, etc.
24) Cry on Mother's Day
25) Cry on Father's Day

I could go on and on for months but I'll stop there. I think you get the idea.
Obviously, we still were not pregnant at the end of the 6-month wait. By this time, I'd found a new OB/GYN and made an appointment for September. A good friend recommended the new practice to me. I must also mention that this friend had experienced the throes of infertility herself and was finally pregnant thanks to Science (IVF). I was not jealous of this friend. I knew what she had been through and was beginning to understand how incredibly difficult it must have been. I was elated that she was finally going to have a family.

A New OB/GYN  
I visited the new doctor for my annual female appointment and asked about infertility. I told her my history and she instantly recommended that I get an HSG. She couldn't believe that my last doctor didn't order one before putting me on Clomid. She told me that so many women get pregnant after having an HSG and that she, herself, had gotten pregnant after getting one. I instantly knew that I loved this woman!

OUCH! HSG (hysterosalpingogram) 
If you're not sure what this is, look it up! It's a quick procedure to see if a woman's tubes are blocked. It also looks at the uterus to make sure it isn't tilted and/or that there aren't any other issues. In a nutshell, they lay you on an operating table with a big x-ray machine hovering above you. You put your feet in the stirrups (like a normal appointment) and the doctor inserts a catheter through your cervix. That part wasn't bad at all. Then, they inflate a little balloon to open the cervix. Did you hear me? They inflate a balloon to DILATE YOUR CERVIX! While the balloon is inflated, you have to slide yourself back up on the table and move from side to side so that they get a good visual from every angle. Then, they begin inserting dye through the catheter. If the tubes are blocked, the dye won't be able to move through. Sometimes, the dye may actually clean the tubes out, which is why so many women get pregnant after this procedure.

I won't lie. The procedure was quick and simple but having your cervix dilated is NOT FUN! It literally took my breath away. I had to do some heavy breathing and squeeze the nurse's hand to survive. I've heard horror stories of how painful this procedure is if your tubes are blocked (referring back to my friend above). I can't imagine anymore pain than what I experienced.

As I was laying there in pain, moving my body from left to right I started thinking how unfair it is that some people get to have sex with the person they love and make a baby. I started thinking how unfair it was for me to be laying on that table being tortured in order to find out why I can't have a baby. I was angry and sad and fighting the tears. The nurse noticed and squeezed my hand harder while talking to me soothingly. It was helping until she said, "Think happy thoughts. Picture your baby in your arms." If I could find her now and tell her how badly that one line hurt, like a punch in the stomach, I would. They should be trained not to say things like that to people struggling with infertility.

Anyways, the results came back totally normal. I left the procedure and enjoyed a relaxing day off: drinking Starbucks, laying on the couch, watching TV. Other than mild cramping, it was a great afternoon! The nurse told me that the chances of getting pregnant increase after an HSG. Several women call their office to announce the pregnancy post-HSG. I was told to try naturally for 3 more months. They couldn't wait to hear from me because they just knew I'd be pregnant.

Bet you can guess how that 3 months went.


PS: During this time, my husband got an AMAZING job with a great company. Thank goodness! One less stressor on our plate. 

I created this blog in April... maybe May? I don't remember. The point in starting it was to document our journey to getting a baby, but mostly as an outlet for me to write about my feelings throughout this incredibly difficult process. As I've been searching online for any and every little thing that I can relate to, I have found it very helpful to read blogs from men and women who have experienced infertility. It disappoints me that people know practically nothing about infertility, IVF, adoption, etc. In some small way, I'd like to be a voice for infertility. If anything, I'd just like to be that blog that a fellow infertile happens upon and is able to relate to and/or pull information from. But, it was so hard just trying to start the blog. Writing about my infertility meant facing those feelings and the reality of the situation. It meant putting myself out there ready for questions and hurtful comments (yes, those are common). Instead, I drowned myself in work as we went through IVF #1 and now, here I am rounding up for #2 and feeling ready to face reality. I think I'm okay with putting it all out there now as I'm in an okay place emotionally and ready to share.

I guess the next step is to introduce myself and give some history. So, here goes nothing!

Hi! My name is Miss Mermaid (alias) and I'm infertile. :)

How can I keep this short and to the minimum? I'll probably have to break it down into separate posts. It's A LOT! We'll start from the very beginning of the journey, when we decided we wanted children.

The Beginning:

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. I'm 30. He's 32. We always said that we'd start trying when I turned 27. When that time came, we just weren't ready yet, so we kept waiting. I hate that we did that but there was no way we could have known how difficult this would be. I went off birth control in spring of 2013 with the idea of letting my body find it's natural rhythm. We officially began trying to conceive around March of 2014. I was so ready! I started taking prenatals. I bought cocoa butter lotion for stretch marks. I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler (AWESOME BOOK! I highly recommend it for anyone trying to conceive or wanting to use natural birth control). I began taking my temperature every morning and tracking my cervical mucus and periods. We ordered and began using Pre-Seed as opposed to other lubricants that slow sperm down. We even traded our Honda Accord for an SUV so that we'd have a family car with easy carseat access. We were ready and I knew exactly how to get what we wanted! I even took a before-pregnant-picture of myself to remember "how great I looked before having a baby." Sad, isn't it?

The first few months were okay. I was devastated when my period came but just kept right on trying thinking that it would happen the next month. I eventually gave up on the temperature thing. It was way too inconsistent. A friend recommended ovulation strips because she got pregnant using those twice. So, I began tracking ovulation with the strips. We were doing EVERYTHING right. I had absolutely perfect cycles and could predict the exact day of ovulation and period every month. It just didn't make sense. I decided to bring it up to my GYNO at my annual appointment that fall. I lied about how long we'd been trying because, technically, I'd been off birth control for 1 1/2 years at this point. She did an AMH test (Anti-Mullerian Hormone, tests your ovarian reserve/egg count) and said everything was fine! We did a couple of tracked natural cycles. This meant having an ultrasound around ovulation so that they could tell me exactly when to "do it." We did this once or twice with no luck. So, she put me on Clomid. Well, she prescribed Clomid. But, I didn't take it right away because my husband got laid off from his job. Perfect timing, right?

I was 150% ready to try it anyways. But, he thought it was a bad idea to have a "guaranteed pregnancy" when he didn't know when he'd be able to get a job. (We were so naive). I filled the prescription and kept it handy for whenever he was ready. A couple of months later, we decided to just try it. This took a lot of coaxing from me. I kept giving him pep talks: we are doing fine on one income, a baby takes 9 months and he will surely have a job by then, our parents will help us without questions, no matter what happens we can do this and make it work, we shouldn't be wasting a whole lot of time, the natural way just isn't working anymore, etc. In November, he gave me the okay to take Clomid. This was it! I just knew it would work! I looked at my calendar, figured out the time-frame of when the baby would be due, and even began planning how we would announce the news to friends and family. This was near the end of November.

I called the GYNO to let them know I began taking the meds. They wanted me to come in on cycle day 14 for an ultrasound. As obsessed as I was with tracking everything about my body, I KNEW this would be too late. I told the lady on the phone that I ovulate pretty early, usually cycle day 10 or 11 but that I have ovulated as early as day 9. She seemed annoyed and told me that they wouldn't see me any earlier than cycle day 12. So, I went in on cycle day 12. The point of this appointment was to do an ultrasound so that we could see how many follicles (kind of like sacks that hold the eggs) had grown and to see how close I was to ovulation. SURPRISE! I had already ovulated "on the right side" says the Ultrasound tech. She seemed shocked and amazed. She took all of her notes and information and sent me to the room to wait for my GYNO. The GYNO seemed a little surprised at the results, as well. She tells me that I have a small cyst on the right ovary (side effect of Clomid) and that it was pretty normal and should go away by the beginning of my next cycle. She says that I still have two follicles on my left ovary so, "Have sex and see what happens." We scheduled another ultrasound appointment for the next month to check on my ovaries. And that was that! I was devastated and pissed and cried (but only to myself as I didn't want to stress my husband out while he was job-hunting). And, we had sex every other day for about a week. Nothing happened.

The Climax of Clomid

This is where the story gets emotionally difficult for the first time. I arrived to my next appointment with the GYNO just before Christmas Break. I was excited at the thought of giving this Clomid another try now that they know I'll ovulate early. As I'm sitting in the waiting room, my husband's best friend and wife walk in. They looked incredibly shocked to see me sitting there. It only took a couple of seconds for me to process WHY they were there. There's no other reason for the man to assist his woman to the OB/GYN and to be looking as shocked as he was to see me there. They tried doing small talk and I told them I was there for an ultrasound because something just wasn't right. They kept avoiding my questioning as to why they were there. Then, I was called back for my ultrasound. 4 CYSTS! FOUR!!! Two on each ovary and they were HUGE! I will never forget what the ultrasound tech said to me, "You definitely won't be going back on Clomid. What have you been eating!?!?" I went through a list of my normal daily foods and admitted that I'd been pretty bad because of the holidays. She commented that I was eating way too many carbs and needed to lay off. (Looking back on this, I wish I would have smacked her). I was sent back out to the waiting room to hang out with my friends. They finally told me that they were there for an ultrasound because she was 6 weeks pregnant. The shock in seeing me was that they hadn't told anyone yet and now I knew. I promised to keep it a secret and wished her luck. The story is that they decided to try for a baby so she went off birth control for a month. Then, they decided that they weren't quite ready so she was waiting for her period to get back on birth control... and it never came. That lucky bitch. One try and they were pregnant. I was handling it okay and was truly happy for them until I met with the GYNO. She explained that my cysts were all between 4.5-6.5 cm. Admitting that she had never seen anything like this and that I would have to go on birth control for a few months to get rid of them was the worst moment of my life. I burst into tears and told her about running into my pregnant friend in the waiting room. She was very sympathetic and reassured me that in 3 months, she'd try a different medication and would get me pregnant. Off I went to take my birth control and wallow in self pity for 3 months.

Until the next post...
Instead of hating life for 3 months, I decided to enjoy it. I researched diets and learned what was best for the body when trying to have a baby. I cut the carbs out, like the ultrasound tech suggested, and began eating healthier than ever before. We had sex for fun and I enjoyed 3 months of living a normal life that didn't involve tracking cycles, peeing on ovulation strips, and timing sex. It was a nice break from ttc (trying to conceive). And, it gave me time to renew the positive hopes of getting pregnant...

Who Am I?

I created this blog in April... maybe May? I don't remember. The point in starting it was to document our journey to getting a baby, but mostly as an outlet for me to write about my feelings throughout this incredibly difficult process. As I've been searching online for any and every little thing that I can relate to, I have found it very helpful to read blogs from men and women who have experienced infertility. It disappoints me that people know practically nothing about infertility, IVF, adoption, etc. In some small way, I'd like to be a voice for infertility. If anything, I'd just like to be that blog that a fellow infertile happens upon and is able to relate to and/or pull information from. But, it was so hard just trying to start the blog. Writing about my infertility meant facing those feelings and the reality of the situation. It meant putting myself out there ready for questions and hurtful comments (yes, those are common). Instead, I drowned myself in work as we went through IVF #1 and now, here I am rounding up for #2 and feeling ready to face reality. I think I'm okay with putting it all out there now as I'm in an okay place emotionally and ready to share.

I guess the next step is to introduce myself and give some history. So, here goes nothing!

Hi! My name is Miss Mermaid (alias) and I'm infertile. :)

How can I keep this short and to the minimum? I'll probably have to break it down into separate posts. It's A LOT! We'll start from the very beginning of the journey, when we decided we wanted children.

The Beginning:

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. I'm 30. He's 32. We always said that we'd start trying when I turned 27. When that time came, we just weren't ready yet, so we kept waiting. I hate that we did that but there was no way we could have known how difficult this would be. I went off birth control in spring of 2013 with the idea of letting my body find it's natural rhythm. We officially began trying to conceive around March of 2014. I was so ready! I started taking prenatals. I bought cocoa butter lotion for stretch marks. I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler (AWESOME BOOK! I highly recommend it for anyone trying to conceive or wanting to use natural birth control). I began taking my temperature every morning and tracking my cervical mucus and periods. We ordered and began using Pre-Seed as opposed to other lubricants that slow sperm down. We even traded our Honda Accord for an SUV so that we'd have a family car with easy carseat access. We were ready and I knew exactly how to get what we wanted! I even took a before-pregnant-picture of myself to remember "how great I looked before having a baby." Sad, isn't it?

The first few months were okay. I was devastated when my period came but just kept right on trying thinking that it would happen the next month. I eventually gave up on the temperature thing. It was way too inconsistent. A friend recommended ovulation strips because she got pregnant using those twice. So, I began tracking ovulation with the strips. We were doing EVERYTHING right. I had absolutely perfect cycles and could predict the exact day of ovulation and period every month. It just didn't make sense. I decided to bring it up to my GYNO at my annual appointment that fall. I lied about how long we'd been trying because, technically, I'd been off birth control for 1 1/2 years at this point. She did an AMH test (Anti-Mullerian Hormone, tests your ovarian reserve/egg count) and said everything was fine! We did a couple of tracked natural cycles. This meant having an ultrasound around ovulation so that they could tell me exactly when to "do it." We did this once or twice with no luck. So, she put me on Clomid. Well, she prescribed Clomid. But, I didn't take it right away because my husband got laid off from his job. Perfect timing, right?

I was 150% ready to try it anyways. But, he thought it was a bad idea to have a "guaranteed pregnancy" when he didn't know when he'd be able to get a job. (We were so naive). I filled the prescription and kept it handy for whenever he was ready. A couple of months later, we decided to just try it. This took a lot of coaxing from me. I kept giving him pep talks: we are doing fine on one income, a baby takes 9 months and he will surely have a job by then, our parents will help us without questions, no matter what happens we can do this and make it work, we shouldn't be wasting a whole lot of time, the natural way just isn't working anymore, etc. In November, he gave me the okay to take Clomid. This was it! I just knew it would work! I looked at my calendar, figured out the time-frame of when the baby would be due, and even began planning how we would announce the news to friends and family. This was near the end of November.

I called the GYNO to let them know I began taking the meds. They wanted me to come in on cycle day 14 for an ultrasound. As obsessed as I was with tracking everything about my body, I KNEW this would be too late. I told the lady on the phone that I ovulate pretty early, usually cycle day 10 or 11 but that I have ovulated as early as day 9. She seemed annoyed and told me that they wouldn't see me any earlier than cycle day 12. So, I went in on cycle day 12. The point of this appointment was to do an ultrasound so that we could see how many follicles (kind of like sacks that hold the eggs) had grown and to see how close I was to ovulation. SURPRISE! I had already ovulated "on the right side" says the Ultrasound tech. She seemed shocked and amazed. She took all of her notes and information and sent me to the room to wait for my GYNO. The GYNO seemed a little surprised at the results, as well. She tells me that I have a small cyst on the right ovary (side effect of Clomid) and that it was pretty normal and should go away by the beginning of my next cycle. She says that I still have two follicles on my left ovary so, "Have sex and see what happens." We scheduled another ultrasound appointment for the next month to check on my ovaries. And that was that! I was devastated and pissed and cried (but only to myself as I didn't want to stress my husband out while he was job-hunting). And, we had sex every other day for about a week. Nothing happened.

The Climax of Clomid

This is where the story gets emotionally difficult for the first time. I arrived to my next appointment with the GYNO just before Christmas Break. I was excited at the thought of giving this Clomid another try now that they know I'll ovulate early. As I'm sitting in the waiting room, my husband's best friend and wife walk in. They looked incredibly shocked to see me sitting there. It only took a couple of seconds for me to process WHY they were there. There's no other reason for the man to assist his woman to the OB/GYN and to be looking as shocked as he was to see me there. They tried doing small talk and I told them I was there for an ultrasound because something just wasn't right. They kept avoiding my questioning as to why they were there. Then, I was called back for my ultrasound. 4 CYSTS! FOUR!!! Two on each ovary and they were HUGE! I will never forget what the ultrasound tech said to me, "You definitely won't be going back on Clomid. What have you been eating!?!?" I went through a list of my normal daily foods and admitted that I'd been pretty bad because of the holidays. She commented that I was eating way too many carbs and needed to lay off. (Looking back on this, I wish I would have smacked her). I was sent back out to the waiting room to hang out with my friends. They finally told me that they were there for an ultrasound because she was 6 weeks pregnant. The shock in seeing me was that they hadn't told anyone yet and now I knew. I promised to keep it a secret and wished her luck. The story is that they decided to try for a baby so she went off birth control for a month. Then, they decided that they weren't quite ready so she was waiting for her period to get back on birth control... and it never came. That lucky bitch. One try and they were pregnant. I was handling it okay and was truly happy for them until I met with the GYNO. She explained that my cysts were all between 4.5-6.5 mm. Admitting that she had never seen anything like this and that I would have to go on birth control for a few months to get rid of them was the worst moment of my life. I burst into tears and told her about running into my pregnant friend in the waiting room. She was very sympathetic and reassured me that in 3 months, she'd try a different medication and would get me pregnant. Off I went to take my birth control and wallow in self pity for 3 months.

Until the next post...
Instead of hating life for 3 months, I decided to enjoy it. I researched diets and learned what was best for the body when trying to have a baby. I cut the carbs out, like the ultrasound tech suggested, and began eating healthier than ever before. We had sex for fun and I enjoyed 3 months of living a normal life that didn't involve tracking cycles, peeing on ovulation strips, and timing sex. It was a nice break from ttc (trying to conceive). And, it gave me time to renew the positive hopes of getting pregnant...