It Happened Again (2/25/20)

We got pregnant on our own! I'm currently 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I'm an anxious mess.

How It Happened
As I mentioned in the previous post, we decided to continue trying on our own while we waited for IVF to actually start. We'd taken a break in November and December to focus on the holidays with Mertoddler. Not to mention, the much needed emotional break I needed after loss and months of Letrozole. After all the chaos of January (Mertoddler's head injury and all the sicknesses), I almost decided to extend our break. But just as ovulation was approaching, I was finishing up the medication and beginning to feel like myself. So, we gave it a go! My OPK was positive on January 26 and we went for it. But I never imagined it would actually work.

My mind was preoccupied with raising more money, filling out applications, and scheduling IVF to begin in March. The two weeks leading up to the positive test was spent getting everything in order and scheduled with my nurse. We'd gathered enough money to pay for the medications so I put that in a safe place. I spoke with my Attain representative and chose a plan. My nurse was filling out the application and needed an updated AMH level so we scheduled it for the second week of February, when my cycle was due. I chose the lender we wanted to use and scheduled a date to meet with a representative and apply. The medical records request was sent to the OB so that my RE could make adjustments to our protocol based on the data from our Letrozole cycles. I even had a meeting with my principal to explain what the next few months would look like and to get approval on the sporadic absences. Lastly, my nurse was preparing the protocol and we were supposed to begin hormone priming with my March cycle. EVERYTHING was coming together perfectly.

Finding Out
About a week after ovulation, I was having pretty bad cramps and complaining to my friends about how it was too early to be cramping (Cycle Day 20). The cramps lasted all week and my boobs began to feel extremely tender. This is common leading up to my cycle but it was still so early! I snapped (Snap Chat) my best friend to complain about this horrendous boob pain. The tenderness was similar to that of a breastfeeding momma who needs to feed ASAP. The only way I knew to describe it was that I felt this crazy, weird urge to breastfeed a baby just so I could get some relief. The tenderness was much more intense and sensitive than it is with a typical cycle. And so my friend suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I thought, "Well that's ridiculous but what the heck? I've got a box full of tests that'll never be used. I know it'll be negative and that's okay because once my cycle starts, we're one step closer to beginning IVF." So, I went home and pulled out a cheapie to use the next morning.

Friday, February 7, 2020
It was a bit of a chaotic morning and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to test. I was trying to get Mertoddler occupied while Merman was taking care of Piper. I'd been holding my pee since waking so that I could use it for the test and wasn't sure how much longer I could wait. (By the way, I didn't even tell Merman that I was testing. I really expected it to be negative). But I finally got Mertoddler set up with breakfast on the couch while his favorite cars video was playing. Racing upstairs, I was able to pee in the little cup before my bladder exploded. I used the dropper to drip three little spots of urine onto the test strip. Instantly, there was a line... a positive test line! There was zero wait time! It was immediately positive! I hadn't even missed a period yet. I was only 12 days past ovulation and on Cycle Day 25. 

I spent the next 3 minutes pacing the bathroom in shock, constantly checking the test to see if I was going crazy. Thoughts of surprising Merman ran through my head. Ultimately, I decided I just needed to run and tell him. As he was walking in from taking Piper out, I ran to him with the test and that's when I started to cry. He seemed confused and asked what it was, then looked at me and said, "Are you crying!?" I think I muttered something about sore boobs and that I was pregnant as we hugged and kissed. What a surreal moment! And one I'll never forget.

We scrutinized the line together and he thought it was too light to get excited. So I explained how early in my cycle it was, how quickly the line had appeared, and how tender my boobs had been. I think I was trying to convince myself more than him. Because of his "faint line" comment, I began second guessing the cheap tests that I'd never used before and snapped my friend to ask how reliable they were. I grabbed an Early Response test and put it in my work bag so that I could test again with my second urine of the day. If the familiar brand was positive this early on, I could trust that this was actually happening and prove it to Merman.

Second Test
On the way to work, it started to snow! We haven't seen snow here in two years. It was pure bliss and I just laughed and smiled all the way to work. Around 8 AM I decided to go to the bathroom and try to force some pee out. Luckily, it happened again. The test line showed up instantly. And it was really, really dark. I started cheering and crying again then sent a picture to Merman saying, "I'm pregnant, Babe!"

   



















Within a few hours, I'd contacted my nurse and scheduled a beta for that day. I ran to the front office and told my principal what was going on. She seemed just as shocked as I was and gave me permission to leave early. It was a glorious day and I was on Cloud Nine!

Beta Results: 
3 weeks 4 days- 81
3 weeks 6 days- 222
4 weeks 3 days- 1215

These numbers are very promising as they're higher than the results I had with Mertoddler.

Symptoms:
This pregnancy is already so different from my first pregnancy with Mertoddler. Other than the tender breasts, my face is breaking out terribly. I don't think I've ever had so many pimples on my face. I'm also experiencing quite a bit a nausea. For some reason, I crave chocolate every time the nausea hits. It was extremely bad this weekend so I purchased ginger candy, chocolate, and ginger ale. But eating a lot also seems to help so I'm basically eating all day... which can't be good this early on.

I've had some mood swings and noticed that my patience seems to be lacking with students and at home.

I've peed on about 10 sticks over the weeks just to see that line grow darker and reassure myself that this is really real.

Ultrasound
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound at 6 weeks 2 days. And I'm a wreck. All I can think about is everything that can possibly go wrong, especially since my eggs are such shit. Focusing on the here and now has been helpful but I can't push away this feeling of dread... impending doom. It's making me crazy! I know that the miscarriage in April has really effected me and has a lot to do with my current level of anxiety. However, I've made it further into this pregnancy. My betas are much higher and stronger and so is my progesterone. I'm pregnant with no injections. It's unreal to think about!

But I'm at a higher risk for genetic disorders and miscarriage because of my diagnosis. I don't have the added comfort of knowing that this embryo is genetically normal like I did with Mertoddler. Because of this, I feel like I'm putting up a wall to protect myself. If this doesn't work out, if it ends early, if we found out there is something wrong with the baby, I need to be prepared. My biggest fear at the moment is that this might be a blighted ovum. And if we see a heartbeat tomorrow (please, please, please) my next biggest fear is that it won't be strong enough or that it will suddenly stop during the next couple of weeks. And after that, I worry that a genetic disorder could cause a late miscarriage or create some major life changes for us.

Basically, I'm driving myself into a panic. On repeat in my head: this is out of my control and, at the moment, I'm pregnant. All the symptoms are promising as are the betas and darker tests. This can actually happen and go well. Worrying won't fix anything!

There have been days where I just knew that this was going to be a successful and healthy pregnancy. Confidence was radiating through my bones as I imagined what the next few months would look like and wondered how we'd arrange the bedrooms for two kids. And then doom hits and I can't even allow myself to get excited. Honestly, at the moment, I feel like I giving myself a pep talk for getting bad news tomorrow and practicing how I'll react. WHY?!?! I know this can't be healthy for me or the baby.

I've never been so scared or anxious about anything in my entire life. We got pregnant twice (naturally) in less than a year. What a miracle! I just hope this second time delivers us a healthy baby.

Until tomorrow...

All Good News (3/28/20)

What an interesting time we're in. A worldwide pandemic....

But, we'll get to that in the next post. Today is all about this baby growing in my belly and all the events that have occurred since my previous post. As of today I'm 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

First Ultrasound (6 weeks, 2 days)
February 26- I took the day off so that I could mentally prepare and process whatever news came our way. Anxiety was through the roof! As I was getting dressed, I started crying because I was so afraid that this day would bring bad news but I was also so excited to be seeing our possible baby for the first time.

Mr. Merman met me at the clinic. We arrived about 20 minutes early, which made the wait seem so much longer. I could not sit still in the waiting room. My legs are bouncing, I was moving all around in the chair, and taking deep breaths. Once they finally called us back and I was settled in my paper skirt, sitting on the ultrasound table, the bouncing and deep breaths continued. My doctor walked in with a big, excited smile asking how we were and I just blurted out, "I'm so nervous!" She literally said, "Well let's jump right in." And there it was. Our little baby with a heartbeat! The doctor turned the screen for me to see and showed me where the heart was. Tears began pouring down my face. What joyful relief! She was so great about just letting us look at our sweet baby before she started measurements. Baby's heart rate was 129 and he/she was measuring 6 weeks 1 day.

They printed pictures for us to keep, congratulated us, and left the room. At that point, I was sobbing. Mr. Merman didn't know what to think. He kept asking if they were happy tears because he's never seen me cry so much. There was so much joy and relief in that small amount of time that it just overtook me. But we needed to celebrate! So off we went to lunch at 10:30 in the morning. We had a quick Chick-Fil-A date before Merman had to get back to work. Then I headed home to relax and be HAPPY for the rest of the day. We hung the ultrasound pictures on the fridge and allowed ourselves to be a little more excited.

6 weeks 2 days * HR= 129

SCH
Feb. 29- Just three days after the initial ultrasound, I was folding laundry and felt dripping in my panties. I was too afraid to look so I just kept folding and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. But the dripping seemed to be picking up so reluctantly, I went to check. Sure enough, there was some red-pink blood in my panties. My heart sank to my stomach as all of the possibilities ran through my mind. Flashbacks of the miscarriage came into my mind as I fought away tears. I cleaned up and told Merman so that he could take over bedtime with Mertoddler. The defeated, disappointed look on his face when I told him there was blood just about killed me.

I laid down and called the on-call line at the fertility clinic. They called back to schedule an ultrasound for the next morning with my doctor who just happened to be working that weekend. YAY! The nurse was very reassuring as she explained that it's much less likely for a miscarriage to occur after a confirmed heartbeat. She also reassured me that bleeding is common and the fact that I wasn't cramping and soaking through pads was a good sign. I even texted my midwife and she called me instantly. She explained that it could be a subchorionic hematoma and tried her best to reassure me that things could still be okay. I put a hospital pad on the bed, a maxi pad in my panties, and laid down for the rest of the night. I don't even know how I slept but I did.

(6 weeks, 6 days)
I practically cried all the way to the clinic the next morning. Fighting back tears, I sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting my name to be called. Before the doctor came in the ultrasound room, I was crying. She walked in to find me in tears and got right to it. She was so great to show me the baby and the heartbeat as soon as it popped up on the screen. The heart rate was 139 and Baby was measuring ahead, which were both great signs! And, sure enough, there was a subchorionic hematoma (SCH). It was about 2 cm long and right above the cervix. What a relief! But, also, what the heck?!?!

She explained that I would likely continue to bleed, especially after an ultrasound and with bowel movements. I was put on pelvic rest and told to "take it easy." Which means to stay off my feet as much as possible, no heavy lifting, and lots of rest. She offered to write a work excuse for the entire week but I chose to only take Monday off. I'm pretty sure I cried even more on the way out.

That night, Mertoddler was up coughing all night and having a hard time breathing. It was terrifying so I rushed him to the doctor the next morning (so much for taking it easy and taking a day off to rest). Croup (again)! He was diagnosed with croup and given a steroid to help open his airways. We spent a day at home together and I was able to keep my legs up and take a nap when he did. My poor, sweet boy always seems to get Croup and it breaks my heart for him.

6 weeks 5 days * HR= 139
You can see the hemorrhage at the top left, like an upside down L

Third Ultrasound (7 weeks, 3 days)
March 5- This was my final ultrasound with the fertility clinic. I'd been bleeding all week but it wasn't heavy and the amount and color fluctuated. This was the first appointment I went to without an overwhelming amount of anxiety and probably the only appointment that didn't involve tears (yet).
Baby looked great! He/she was measuring ahead again and the heart rate was 159. The SCH was still there but hadn't grown. So, I "graduated" and was told to make an appointment with the OB. They gifted me a baby spoon and sent me off with medical records.

Leaving that day was surreal. While waiting on the elevator, it hit me that I may never be back in that clinic EVER AGAIN. After years of infertility and appointments, it almost felt like a second home. So I teared up again. ha! Such a bittersweet moment. But I truly hope I never have to return to that place. I'd love to be able to put infertility behind me and move on with life.

7 weeks 3 days * HR= 159

First OB Appointment (9 weeks, 2 days)
In between these two appointments, the Coronavirus pandemic took over the world and I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to make it. I'd been bleeding ever since we discovered the SCH. And just a couple days prior, I'd passed a small clot and the bleeding was a bit heavier. I had pretty much convinced myself that I was losing the baby and the SCH was just tricking me into thinking everything was okay.

March 18- Because of the Corona Virus (COVID-19), I had to be screened at the door of the hospital (where my OB is located). They took my temperature and asked a series of questions. Since I passed the screening, I was given a sticker and granted entry.

All doors were left open so that no one had to touch door knobs or handles. There was not a sign-in sheet at the desk. They pumped sanitizer into my hand before allowing me to hold the pen and fill out paperwork. It was like being in a fiction movie.

Anyways, the nerves struck again as I sat waiting for the ultrasound. Deep breaths ensued. When I finally made it onto the table and saw that sweet blob pop up on the screen, I began to cry again. He/she was just wiggling around and popping up and down in there. Again, Baby was measuring ahead and the heart rate was 179! Happiness and relief! (This whole process has been quite a roller coaster of emotions).

The SCH is still there but measuring about the same at 2.4 cm. I met with my midwife to go over future plans/appointments and to discuss the hematoma. As long as it's not growing, she said I have no reason to worry. Ironically, the bleeding has completely stopped since that appointment. I assumed it would get heavier after having the ultrasound but it did the opposite! It's been 10 days without a spot of blood. I don't know whether to be excited that it's clotting and going away or scared that it's filling with blood and growing bigger.

Furthermore, she has set my due date as 10/20/20 because they go off the first day of your last period. But I've been calculating based off of the ovulation day so I'm telling myself that I'm a day ahead of this. And since Baby has been measuring ahead, I'll continue counting weeks as if my due date is 10/19. I know it's only a one day difference but I enjoy Mondays being the day I get to "change weeks."

9 weeks 2 days  *  HR=179
You can still see the SCH at the top. The little black pocket.

Next Steps
The next plan of action is genetic testing. I go into see the midwife this Thursday, April 2nd for a routine pap-smear. At that appointment, I will have blood drawn for the Panorama testing (NIPT). This tests for things such as downs syndrome, Trisomy 13 and 18, Turner Syndrome, microdeletions, and more. We also have the option to find out the gender, which we have decided to do. EEeeeekkk!!! I'm trying to focus more on the excitement of finding out the gender over the anxiety of finding an abnormality.

Then, on April 13, I go to the MFM specialist to have an NT scan done. This will further test for Downs Syndrome, Turners Syndrome, and Patau Syndrome. They will also check the SCH at that time. This is two weeks away and I just can't stand waiting!

This was my attempt to finally allow feelings of
excitement so that I could take a little "bump" photo.

We haven't announced or told the family yet and it's killing me. I'm already showing, which is crazy! But since we're on lockdown and sheltered-in-place, I'm not having to hide from anyone and am comfortably working in my yoga pants.

As for symptoms, the worst have disappeared. I rarely have nausea anymore. But those first few weeks were pretty brutal (although I never threw up). My boobs have definitely grown and are still really sore. Mertoddler has noticed this as he keeps wanting to poke at them and even asked to see them one day. He said, "Are those big!?" hahahahaaaa! All I could do was laugh and confirm that they were definitely growing bigger.

I'm still hungry all the time. Just when I think that symptom is calming down, it hits with a vengeance. I partly think my "showing" is just from eating everything in sight. And now that we're stuck at home all day, it's really hard to stay away from comfort/junk food.

The countdown to genetic testing is on! I'm still really reluctant to get excited until we know everything is okay in there. I can't wait to let my guard down and just be excited about this miracle pregnancy and our future baby.

The Plan

I just wanted to get an update in before things get crazy.

Life Update
2020 is off to a crazy start! Merbaby is "all boy" as people like to say. Typically, these types of phrases annoy me but I think I'm starting to come around to this one because there is a stark difference between this male toddler and my niece at this age.

On January 6, Merbaby decided he didn't want to stay seated on the couch like Mommy told him to. I was cooking dinner while he was having a snack and bouncing all over the couch. Shortly after asking him to stop because "he might get hurt" I turned my back to continue cooking. Merbaby took this opportunity to jump one more time, which resulted in us spending the evening in the emergency room. He flew off the couch hitting his head on the end table. It busted a hole so deep in his forehead that I could see his skull. I felt calm, collected, and cool until the blood cleared and I saw bone. That's when I panicked and called 911. We ended up taking the ambulance to the hospital because I just didn't think I could manage driving him myself. I was a MESS of emotions. We were at the ER for a few hours while Merbaby was given happy drugs to help keep him calm while they stitched up his head. The nurse wrapped him like a burrito in the sheets to keep his arms still. We sang various versions of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" as they stitched him up and he kept telling us that his arms were stuck. He got internal and external stitches and was rewarded with a Popsicle when they finished closing his head up.  I never want to experience anything like that again. The guilt and anxiety I felt after such an event led to my decision to take the entire week off to be with him.

Two days after the fall, he was diagnosed with croup which got even worse by the end of the week and the doctors were worried about pneumonia. With lots of love and antibiotics, Merbaby finally started acting like himself again a week later. Once we had nursed Merbaby back to health, Merman and I became sick. I was already recovering from the virus I'd caught in December and then this one came and knocked me back down. I was miserable! I never go to the doctor and like to avoid medication as much as possible, but this left me feeling desperate. My doctor suspected walking pneumonia but I declined the x-ray and chose to use steroids and antibiotics. This did the trick and I was better in a week. Merman wasn't quite as bad so his cleared up on it's own. (Lucky man!)

Speaking of Merman, he has begun taking classes at an IT school 3 times a week. He's hoping this will open up future job prospects so I'm supporting him 110%. He's also leading a new project at work while also doing his actual job. Needless to say, he's in over his head and barely staying above water. I'm doing my best to keep things afloat at home but it's exhausting. It really helps me appreciate single parenting. Doing it alone is no joke and utterly exhausting. But, it's temporary and it'll be worth it in the end. We've got this!

Project IVF
We launched the Bonfire t-shirt fundraiser in December and have made it through 3 cycles of fundraising, which is heartwarming to say the least. I've cried many grateful tears over the contributions people have made. Several friends and family members have contacted us personally to send money and offer support. It is mind-blowing to me! I truly hope that I can give back someday and help those who have been so kind and selfless enough to help us. Love is being felt more than ever right now.

                          

 

As of now, we've raised and saved enough money to pay for all the medication (we hope). The plan is to use all of our personally saved money and what we've earned through t-shirts to pay for the medication and we will be taking out a loan to pay for the actual IVF procedures. My dad and I have been communicating a lot and seem to have come up with a really solid plan to make this all happen. My parents are planning to help with the loan payments as we are still paying off the loan we took out for IVF with Merbaby in 2016.

In the meantime, I've been calling around to find the best personal loan options available. The financial adviser at our clinic has been in contact with me as we work to figure out the best options available to us. Ultimately, we've decided to use Attain again. Doing so allows us the opportunity to do two rounds of IVF. We were only planning to give it one more try but I know me and I WON'T be okay if it fails and we're out of options. Knowing that there's a back-up plan gives me so much peace. With the financial aid from my parents, this decision was a little easier especially since it comes as a package and only costs a little extra.

And then we wait....
Wait for the Attain application to be approved
Wait to apply and be approved for the loan
Wait for my next cycle to start
Wait for the protocol
Wait to start ordering meds
Wait...

And while we wait, we will try again and hope that just maybe we won't need IVF...