How It Happened
As I mentioned in the previous post, we decided to continue trying on our own while we waited for IVF to actually start. We'd taken a break in November and December to focus on the holidays with Mertoddler. Not to mention, the much needed emotional break I needed after loss and months of Letrozole. After all the chaos of January (Mertoddler's head injury and all the sicknesses), I almost decided to extend our break. But just as ovulation was approaching, I was finishing up the medication and beginning to feel like myself. So, we gave it a go! My OPK was positive on January 26 and we went for it. But I never imagined it would actually work.
My mind was preoccupied with raising more money, filling out applications, and scheduling IVF to begin in March. The two weeks leading up to the positive test was spent getting everything in order and scheduled with my nurse. We'd gathered enough money to pay for the medications so I put that in a safe place. I spoke with my Attain representative and chose a plan. My nurse was filling out the application and needed an updated AMH level so we scheduled it for the second week of February, when my cycle was due. I chose the lender we wanted to use and scheduled a date to meet with a representative and apply. The medical records request was sent to the OB so that my RE could make adjustments to our protocol based on the data from our Letrozole cycles. I even had a meeting with my principal to explain what the next few months would look like and to get approval on the sporadic absences. Lastly, my nurse was preparing the protocol and we were supposed to begin hormone priming with my March cycle. EVERYTHING was coming together perfectly.
Finding Out
About a week after ovulation, I was having pretty bad cramps and complaining to my friends about how it was too early to be cramping (Cycle Day 20). The cramps lasted all week and my boobs began to feel extremely tender. This is common leading up to my cycle but it was still so early! I snapped (Snap Chat) my best friend to complain about this horrendous boob pain. The tenderness was similar to that of a breastfeeding momma who needs to feed ASAP. The only way I knew to describe it was that I felt this crazy, weird urge to breastfeed a baby just so I could get some relief. The tenderness was much more intense and sensitive than it is with a typical cycle. And so my friend suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I thought, "Well that's ridiculous but what the heck? I've got a box full of tests that'll never be used. I know it'll be negative and that's okay because once my cycle starts, we're one step closer to beginning IVF." So, I went home and pulled out a cheapie to use the next morning.
Friday, February 7, 2020
It was a bit of a chaotic morning and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to test. I was trying to get Mertoddler occupied while Merman was taking care of Piper. I'd been holding my pee since waking so that I could use it for the test and wasn't sure how much longer I could wait. (By the way, I didn't even tell Merman that I was testing. I really expected it to be negative). But I finally got Mertoddler set up with breakfast on the couch while his favorite cars video was playing. Racing upstairs, I was able to pee in the little cup before my bladder exploded. I used the dropper to drip three little spots of urine onto the test strip. Instantly, there was a line... a positive test line! There was zero wait time! It was immediately positive! I hadn't even missed a period yet. I was only 12 days past ovulation and on Cycle Day 25.
I spent the next 3 minutes pacing the bathroom in shock, constantly checking the test to see if I was going crazy. Thoughts of surprising Merman ran through my head. Ultimately, I decided I just needed to run and tell him. As he was walking in from taking Piper out, I ran to him with the test and that's when I started to cry. He seemed confused and asked what it was, then looked at me and said, "Are you crying!?" I think I muttered something about sore boobs and that I was pregnant as we hugged and kissed. What a surreal moment! And one I'll never forget.
We scrutinized the line together and he thought it was too light to get excited. So I explained how early in my cycle it was, how quickly the line had appeared, and how tender my boobs had been. I think I was trying to convince myself more than him. Because of his "faint line" comment, I began second guessing the cheap tests that I'd never used before and snapped my friend to ask how reliable they were. I grabbed an Early Response test and put it in my work bag so that I could test again with my second urine of the day. If the familiar brand was positive this early on, I could trust that this was actually happening and prove it to Merman.
Second Test
On the way to work, it started to snow! We haven't seen snow here in two years. It was pure bliss and I just laughed and smiled all the way to work. Around 8 AM I decided to go to the bathroom and try to force some pee out. Luckily, it happened again. The test line showed up instantly. And it was really, really dark. I started cheering and crying again then sent a picture to Merman saying, "I'm pregnant, Babe!"
Within a few hours, I'd contacted my nurse and scheduled a beta for that day. I ran to the front office and told my principal what was going on. She seemed just as shocked as I was and gave me permission to leave early. It was a glorious day and I was on Cloud Nine!
Beta Results:
3 weeks 4 days- 81
3 weeks 6 days- 222
4 weeks 3 days- 1215
These numbers are very promising as they're higher than the results I had with Mertoddler.
Symptoms:
This pregnancy is already so different from my first pregnancy with Mertoddler. Other than the tender breasts, my face is breaking out terribly. I don't think I've ever had so many pimples on my face. I'm also experiencing quite a bit a nausea. For some reason, I crave chocolate every time the nausea hits. It was extremely bad this weekend so I purchased ginger candy, chocolate, and ginger ale. But eating a lot also seems to help so I'm basically eating all day... which can't be good this early on.
I've had some mood swings and noticed that my patience seems to be lacking with students and at home.
I've peed on about 10 sticks over the weeks just to see that line grow darker and reassure myself that this is really real.
Ultrasound
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound at 6 weeks 2 days. And I'm a wreck. All I can think about is everything that can possibly go wrong, especially since my eggs are such shit. Focusing on the here and now has been helpful but I can't push away this feeling of dread... impending doom. It's making me crazy! I know that the miscarriage in April has really effected me and has a lot to do with my current level of anxiety. However, I've made it further into this pregnancy. My betas are much higher and stronger and so is my progesterone. I'm pregnant with no injections. It's unreal to think about!
But I'm at a higher risk for genetic disorders and miscarriage because of my diagnosis. I don't have the added comfort of knowing that this embryo is genetically normal like I did with Mertoddler. Because of this, I feel like I'm putting up a wall to protect myself. If this doesn't work out, if it ends early, if we found out there is something wrong with the baby, I need to be prepared. My biggest fear at the moment is that this might be a blighted ovum. And if we see a heartbeat tomorrow (please, please, please) my next biggest fear is that it won't be strong enough or that it will suddenly stop during the next couple of weeks. And after that, I worry that a genetic disorder could cause a late miscarriage or create some major life changes for us.
Basically, I'm driving myself into a panic. On repeat in my head: this is out of my control and, at the moment, I'm pregnant. All the symptoms are promising as are the betas and darker tests. This can actually happen and go well. Worrying won't fix anything!
There have been days where I just knew that this was going to be a successful and healthy pregnancy. Confidence was radiating through my bones as I imagined what the next few months would look like and wondered how we'd arrange the bedrooms for two kids. And then doom hits and I can't even allow myself to get excited. Honestly, at the moment, I feel like I giving myself a pep talk for getting bad news tomorrow and practicing how I'll react. WHY?!?! I know this can't be healthy for me or the baby.
I've never been so scared or anxious about anything in my entire life. We got pregnant twice (naturally) in less than a year. What a miracle! I just hope this second time delivers us a healthy baby.
Until tomorrow...
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