After Birth Chaos!

I've been trying to find time to finish up my birth story for a while but it's hard to do life with a newborn. Every time he falls asleep, I go nuts running around the house to see how much I can get done before he wakes up. If I'm lucky, I can usually squeeze in a bathroom break, running the dog out, picking up a few things, and starting to get a meal ready before then he wakes up. Which means that I usually don't get to eat my meal until it's cold... or I'm eating it with one hand while breastfeeding... or taking a bite here and there as I walk around swaying and shushing the baby. It's a major adjustment but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Placenta Problems
Once I had that baby in my arms, it seemed like everything was right in the world. The nurse was able to get colostrum out of my nipple with one squeeze. (Side note: This caught me totally off guard! They'd pulled him from my vagina and put him on my chest when the nurse just grabbed a boob and squeezed. Everyone celebrated when goo started coming out. Wasn't expecting that at all). So we latched him on, which he did easily, while they cleaned him up and started on the Apgar scoring. Not sure if I already mentioned this in the last post, but I didn't get the full hour of skin-to-skin. My temperature was 100.4 during labor which could be a sign of infection. Therefore, they had to draw blood from the baby within 30 minutes of birth to test for infection. Since they had to take him to the little bassinet to do this, I requested that they go on and get his weight, measurement, etc. I still had a midwife digging around for the placenta so it gave me a little break and I could kind of see what was going on.

We did delayed cord clamping so we waited til everything had drained from the cord to cut it, which Mr. Merman had the honor of doing. He says it felt like he was in an alien movie because it had the weirdest texture and looked inhumane. Once the cord was cut, he asked if they could just pull the placenta out with the cord, which the midwife explained would help once they could get it down near my cervix.

I recall her seeming a little perplexed while she was working on my placenta. She told me to push but nothing happened. After about 30 minutes, she looked at the clock and claimed that it had been long enough. My placenta wasn't coming out and her fingers weren't long enough to pull it off the uterus. She sewed up my 2nd degree tear explaining that she wanted to get that done before the epidural wore off completely. Then she called the OB in to work on the placenta because "he has longer fingers." This is when shit got scary.

The OB came in and was extremely nice. He began working on detaching the placenta from my uterus when the nurses told him that my epidural had shut off about 2 hours ago. Without the epidural, it was going to be extremely painful for me. So he asked for some pain meds. They put fentanyl in my IV (I didn't know it was fentanyl at the time). At first, it felt GREAT! I was in heaven with my baby and feeling really good. Merbaby was latched onto my boob, Mr. Merman was by my side, and I was feeling high as a kite while the OB went to town digging in my uterus and I couldn't feel a thing. That's when things start to get blurry.

This was basically me...

Those pain meds made me feel so drowsy and I could hardly stay awake. I kept falling asleep then jumping awake because I was afraid I'd drop the baby. I was also having a severe case of FOMO as I didn't want to forget anything about the 1st day of my child's life. I was trying so hard to listen to the doctor and store everything in my long-term memory. It was kind of like Dory in Finding Nemo... if I just kept repeating it over and over, I'd remember!


 At one point, I told Mr. Merman to text me what the doctor was saying so that I wouldn't forget. I recall hearing the doctor mention doing a D&C, which scared me to death. I'm already infertile and don't need another procedure that could mess things up even more in there. A D&C also meant taking me away from my baby and I couldn't handle the thought of that. Eventually, I asked the nurse and Mr. Merman if he could take the baby and do skin-to-skin cause I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and wasn't sure I could continue holding the baby safely. As soon as he took Merbaby, I passed out.

I'm not sure what all happened in this time. I remember glancing over at my husband holding my baby and being completely in love. Chocolate was involved. Remember that goody-bag my sister dropped off? It was filled with dark chocolate so Mr. Merman kept sneaking me little bites of heaven. I heard something about cauterizing because of all the bleeding. Then I felt some uncomfortable poking. The OB explained that he was redoing the stitches because they had come undone with all the placenta removal drama. Then there was some celebration because he was pretty sure the whole placenta was out and I didn't need a D&C. But I was still bleeding and he was extremely concerned about my blood loss.

(I also remember people telling me not to look down because I kept trying to see what was happening. There was lots of blood and my placenta was in pieces on the table. The doctor was covered in blood past his elbows. Jokes about it being a murder scene were made. Mr. Merman told me there was blood all the way across the room!)

The doctor filled my uterus with packing, which I don't remember. But I do remember him pulling it out and being concerned about how quickly it had soaked through with blood. He put more in and told me that if I bled through that in less than 30 minutes, they were going to need to do something. I honestly don't remember what that something was. Maybe it was the cauterizing? Luckily, I didn't soak through it that quickly. And it hurt like a bitch when the nurse pulled it all out! I don't wish that on anyone.

My iron levels came back at an 8. They had dropped from 14 to 8! That's when Mr. Merman told me they were going to do a blood transfusion if it had dropped to 7. So I just barely missed that nightmare, as well. No wonder I felt extremely weak and had lost all color.

They put my back on pitocin and fluids for 12 hours to help my uterus contract, empty out the contents, and to keep me hydrated. I also had to take Methergine to cause more contractions that are supposed to help with bleeding after labor. And, of course, I was put on iron supplements.

Unconsented Vaccine
In the midst of all this, the OB came back in and sat down at the end of my bed. He said something about my baby getting an extra poke. I smiled cause I was so drugged up and loved hearing someone call him "my baby." But then he explained that the nurse had given him his Hep B vaccine, which we had not wanted. My only reason for this was that poor little Merbaby was going to be given a Vitamin K shot and then would be circumcised during his first 48 hours of life. I just wanted him to have one less poke during that time. Having his Pediatrician give him the Hep B vaccine during his first visit had been the plan. So we declined consent on Hep B, meaning we didn't sign the forms... and they gave it to him anyways!

The doctor explained how serious this was. They had already written up a report and sent it upstairs. He told us to expect the big-wigs to visit our room at some point to apologize, investigate, etc. Mr. Merman said he saw the nurse give Merbaby two shots but didn't realize what was happening. I really wish I'd been able to see that cause I definitely would have said something to stop the nurse. After hearing this, I was over all the issues of the day and just wanted to go back to sleep.

Update: No one ever visited our room to apologize. We've heard nothing more of this accident. We received the hospital bill and they even charged us for the vaccine! My mom used to work with the health system at that hospital so she's advising us on what to do next. More updates on that as it happens.

Moving Rooms
After all the chaos and some extra monitoring, we were finally allowed to move upstairs to the recovery room/Mother and Baby Ward. FINALLY! We'd been in the laboring room for over 48 hours without windows. The recovery room had sunlight and a beautiful view! Ironically, I could see our fertility clinic from the window in our room. So I shouted out a few "Thank yous" to them while we were there. :)

Merbaby enjoying the sunlight!

My brain was still really fuzzy once we moved rooms. I remember trying to text people then falling asleep which resulted in some funny text messages. Mr. Merman took pictures of me holding Merbaby and I'm just completely zonked out in a lot of them. My sister came to visit and brought us Chick-Fil-A. After eating, I felt 100 times better! I was finally able to call the nurse in to help me to the bathroom and I was starting to feel like me again.

My memory of our first night is a little fuzzy. I know we got pretty decent sleep and Merbaby was a pro at breastfeeding. We were told that he should be getting 20 drops of colostrum every hour or so. This was easy as we just hand expressed a few drops and rubbed it on his gums. His constant sucking was supposed to help bring my milk in faster so I just let him suck away.

They came in to weigh him that evening and he weighed more than he had at birth! After conversing, we concluded that the nurse must have weighed him incorrectly at birth. So we have no idea how much he truly weighed. But the nurse and midwife suggest that it was probably closer to 8 lbs. than to the 7 lbs. 1 oz. that had been recorded.

Day 2- Circumcision & Jaundice
They circumcised him the next morning meaning that he was away from us for an hour. We decided to take the opportunity to sleep! Unfortunately, we had 6 interruptions during that short hour of time: The hearing specialist, lactation consultant, photographer, maid, nurse's assistant, and my dad! It was unreal. Needless to say, we didn't get that nap we so wanted. And most of our interruptions returned within the next couple of hours. My dad came back shortly after so he could finally meet his grandson. Merbaby passed his hearing test. The lactation consultant confirmed that we were on a role and didn't even need her help. My mom came to visit and the photographer was able to snap some pictures of our little family.

Just when we were feeling pretty good about this whole parenting thing and ready to get the heck out of that hospital, we were told that his bilirubin levels were elevated. It wasn't extremely high so the pediatrician suggested that we put him in the biliblanket overnight. If the levels dropped, we could go home the next day. If not, I would be discharged but Merbaby would have to go to the NICU. We were also warned that Night #2 is when babies make up for lost time. The nurse told me to prepare to feed all night long and she was right! I woke up at 11 PM to his hungry cries. I put him on my boob and he was on them sucking until 6 or 7 the next morning. All whilst being wrapped up in a hot biliblanket. The nurse checked his temperature every hour to make sure he wasn't overheating. At one point, we had to take him off for an hour to let him cool down because his temperature had risen above 100 degrees! But, the blanket did the trick! His levels dropped and he was cleared to go home on Day 3!

This was also the day that I pissed all over myself. Everything down there feels really weird and unusual after giving birth so I wasn't really aware that I needed to pee until it was too late. Mr. Merman was asleep and I was feeding the baby. But I knew I needed to get up and go so I yelled for him to take the baby. As soon as I stood up from the bed, pee was pouring out everywhere. I had absolutely no control and couldn't make it stop. I waddled to the bathroom just in time to get the final bit into the toilet. The poor nurse couldn't believe how much pee was on the floor. She told me to make myself go every 2 hours after that. Oops!

Day 3- Going Home
After 5 days of being in the hospital, we could not wait to get home! It felt like a victory when they finally released us. Mr. Merman packed everything up while I tried to dress myself and the baby. His going home outfit was way too big and I couldn't find the smaller outfit I'd packed so our little miracle IVF baby went home in a white onesie and gray pants. But, at least we matched as I also had on a white shirt and gray pants. Totally unplanned!

The nurse's assistant rolled me and Merbaby out to the curb where Mr. Merman picked us up. It felt so good to be in the sunlight with fresh air on my face. I could have sat outside forever! Being at home felt amazing too. No more interruptions during naps, no more nurses poking around on my poor belly. I was able to shower and get in clean clothes. We all know how good that feels. I laid back in the recliner in our nursery and nursed my sweet baby in his bedroom. It was the most glorious feeling!

My stepdad brought our dog over so that they could both meet Merbaby. Mr. Merman and I went outside to greet and love all over her without the baby. She licked my face like she hadn't seen me in years. We brought her inside to meet the baby and she went nuts smelling him and licking his toes. My sister and Mom had given her some of Merbaby's hospital hats to smell while we were gone. She actually slept with one and put the other in her crate so I think she had an idea of what was happening. She knew that new human smell was related to mommy and daddy. I like to think so anyways...

Our neighbors left dinner and dessert on our porch. They also decorated our mailbox with Baby Boy balloons. My mom and sister had decorated the house and left some treats out with the sweetest cards ever. I literally just stood in the kitchen and cried for a minute because it was real! After all that we'd been through, I was at home with my baby!!! I had become a mom!

Jaundice Continues...
We had to see the pediatrician early the next morning (day 4) to check his bili levels which had doubled! So a bilibed was delivered to our house and he had to be on it constantly. The only time we were supposed to take him off was when he was eating. At first, it was torture. We have this new baby we can't even hold or cuddle with even when he was crying. But the torture finally turned to relief when he fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 5 straight hours. We got more sleep than we'd had in days!

Our sweet furbaby wanting to help care for Merbaby in his bilibed

We were back at the pediatrician the next morning (day 5) and his bili levels had dropped. We were told to take a day off from the bilibed to see if the levels stabilized. We also met with the lactation consultant that morning just so I could make sure we were doing everything right. According to her, I was one of the easiest patients she'd ever had. He was latching perfectly. My milk had come in and there was plenty of it. He was transferring plenty of milk.  Hallelujah!! Not being able to breastfeed was one of my biggest fears. My body may not know how to conceive a baby and it may not know how to induce labor but it does know how to feed a child! Go, Boobies, Go!

One more trip to the pediatrician on day 6 confirmed that his bili levels had evened out and we were safe to discontinue treatment. We could finally move on with life as a new family without making a daily trip to the doctor's office.


Love
Since then, we've been trying to figure out life with a new family member. I'm so incredibly thankful for every stressful moment with this baby. No one and nothing can prepare you for this stage and it's a tough one. But I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm thankful for every tear he cries, scream he screams, and for all the explosive diapers, poop rockets, and sleepless nights. I just love him so much, it's indescribable.

He's Here! Birth Story

Our little man finally made his way into the world, with a lot of medical coaxing. He had no desire of coming out and apparently, my placenta didn't get the eviction notice either (more on this in the next post).

Before I start the birth story, I just want to say how happy I am. Parenting is HARD! The first week has been more work than I could have ever imagined but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I tear up just looking at him knowing how much it took for us to bring this beautiful life into the world. He's all ours. He's perfect in every way. I keep thinking how lucky I am to have him and just can't believe that he's actually here. I gave birth. I'm a mom. I have a son! It's too hard to believe. :)

Wednesday, July 5
41 weeks and 5 days pregnant... and still no signs of labor! We got up that morning and went to the chiropractor for an adjustment. I'd gone on Monday in hopes of having the Webster technique performed to induce labor. She asked that I come back on Wednesday and swore that the adjustments would make labor easier. Not going to lie, I felt a million times better after that first adjustment. Then, made our way to the OB for what we thought was going to be a non-stress test. However, once we were there, they called us back to do an ultrasound. They checked his measurements, amniotic fluid levels, movements, and umbilical cord. Then we met with a midwife. She offered to check me but said there was no point if I still wanted to be induced that day. It was essentially our choice to move forward with an induction that evening or to keep waiting another day or two.

Knowing that an induction could take days, we decided to stick with the plan. I couldn't imagine waiting any longer. So the midwife called the charge nurse in L&D then returned to tell us to arrive before our scheduled time (5PM). She said there were beds available so the sooner we got there, the better. We were instructed to go grab lunch, pack the car, and come back to be emitted. That was the craziest feeling! We were officially on the road to getting baby out!!! Unbelievable!

We came home to load the car. Mr. Merman showered and shaved cause we knew it'd be awhile before we could do that again. I called my friend over to pick up our dog. It all seemed to happen so fast. When my friend left with Piper, I started crying. I knew that was the last time she'd leave as an "only child" and as our only baby. I took one last chalkboard picture and we were on our way. Our first stop, Chick-Fil-A! I had planned to eat two large fries before going in to be induced but that's when I thought it was going to be 5 PM! Since it was only 1:30, I opted for a normal meal but ate every bit of it.

At the Hospital
2:00 Once at the hospital, we had to check-in and go through all the paperwork. We finally got into a room around 2:30ish. The nurse checked me and I was still only 1 cm. dilated and 70% effaced. It had been over a week and nothing had changed! At that point, we had to wait for the midwife to make the next call. Pitocin or Cytotec? I changed into my gown, crawled into the hospital bed and settled in with Ellen on TV.

4:00 The midwife came in to explain how Cytotec works. It's a tiny little pill that is supposed to induce contractions. The plan was that I would take a dose every 4 hours until I'd taken 4 doses. I took the first pill at 4:15 PM. According to the monitors, I was having mild-moderate contractions every 3-4 minutes but wasn't feeling anything.

8:15 They checked me again and nothing had changed. But, my contractions were getting stronger and were much closer together. Because of this, they were unable to give me another dose. Protocol doesn't allow one to take Cytotec if the contractions are as consistent as mine were because it can put too much stress on the baby. So, they hooked me up to fluids hoping that would calm down the irritation. The midwife discussed using a Cook's Catheter to move things along. I was pretty weary of doing this **flashbacks to infertility and HSG procedures**. The idea of having another balloon in my cervix was making me anxious. The midwife liked how strong and consistent my contractions were so we decided to wait it out and see if the fluids helped to calm things down.

Thursday, July 6
Officially 41 weeks and 6 days pregnant... still no baby

12:30 (AM) My contractions were getting further apart but not enough to take more Cytotec, so we started low dose pitocin at a level 2. At this point, we were pretty tired and knew the pitocin would be more likely to work. So, we decided to call it a night and try to get some sleep.

The view of Pitocin and Saline from my bed that night

Sidenote: At some point during all of this, we set the room up with our stringed lights. We turned all the fluorescent lights out and had the white lights on the counter. My sister came by to hang out for a little bit but I can't remember when that was exactly. I know she walked the halls with me and took some pictures. I was bouncing and rolling on the peanut ball hoping to get things moving. She also brought the lavender oil in case I wanted something to help calm me down. I'd also packed Clary Sage Oil that's supposed to have a calming effect on laboring women. I put a bit on a napkin and had it ready to smell whenever I felt stressed or couldn't handle the contractions. It seemed to work! Even Mr. Merman was using it after my bad contractions.

6:30  I woke up to pee and thought my water was breaking. It was a really weird slow leak of some sweet smelling liquid. The midwife wasn't sure that it was my water but thought it was possible. She checked me again and I was only 2 cm. and still 70% effaced. At this point, the contractions were going off the grid but I was still only feeling mildly uncomfortable and pain level was at a 3 out of 10.

1:45 PM Turned pitocin up to 16. I started feeling little cramps but it still wasn't very painful or uncomfortable.

3:15 We decided to take a nap. I woke up around 4 to some really intense contractions. I didn't want to wake Mr. Merman up because I kept thinking I'd lay back down to keep sleeping. But, they were getting really intense. I was breathing through them and bouncing on the ball but it wasn't helping the pain. So, I woke him up and told him I was finally feeling the contractions.

**SAPPY MOMENT** 

Mr. Merman ran to his bag and pulled something out. He told me that he wanted to give me something (a push gift) before the pain got too bad. It was a ring with the July birthstone in it. A ruby to always remind me of our sweet little guy. To make it even more special, he used the setting he'd originally bought as my engagement ring but ended up not using. He's been saving it as a push gift all these years. 

6:15 They checked me again. 2 cm. dilated and 80% effaced. I was so mad about this! All this pitocin and the painful contractions, and I'd barely made any progress. At this point, the midwife suggested using a Cook's Catheter but also told me that I could continue on naturally now that the contractions were actually doing something. The pain was so intense, I was on the verge of tears with each contraction. I couldn't imagine doing another 3 hours of tpain to only progress 1 cm.
So... Cook's Catheter for the win!

6:50 The Cook's Catheter was placed. (It is a little catheter with a balloon on each side. It goes through your cervix and the balloons are filled/blown up to help ripen and open the cervix. It is supposed to fall out once you've dilated 5-6 cm. Basically, it's a really uncomfortable way to move things along). I had flashbacks of the HSG and infertility so I really had a hard time agreeing to use this but knew it would be worth it. I kept telling myself that there would be a baby at the end of this balloon. Also, it really wasn't bad at all, nothing at all like the HSG.

Labor was getting more and more intense. I was leaning on Mr. Merman a lot more and couldn't do anything other than stand and sway. At one point, my sister and mom poked their heads in. I was so mad cause I thought I'd made it clear that I didn't want anyone in the room while I was laboring. Mr. Merman said, "Now is not a good time!" and then I felt bad cause my sister was just dropping off a goody bag. She whispered that she just wanted to bring us a treat. I can't remember what she said after that cause I was mid-contraction but I remember appreciating it and feeling a little more motivated to keep getting through each one. We peeked in the bag and it was full of chocolate and gummy bears. I will always remember the smell of my husband eating gummy bears while I was laboring. I even ate one!

9:30 My water broke! I was in the midst of a contraction, leaning on Mr. Merman and swaying when it felt like a balloon popped in my belly and liquid was pouring out. Relief is what I felt as I said, "My water broke!" Mr. Merman ran to get the nurse. They cleaned me and the floor up.
Something was finally happening! The nurse pulled on the catheter and taped it further down on my thigh so that it was putting more pressure on my cervix... hopefully getting my cervix to hurry up and dilate!

Each contraction after this was so intense, I seriously thought I was dying. I was literally crying through them and telling my husband that I just couldn't do it anymore. They were getting so close together that I didn't have much time to recover. The nurse kept coming in to tug on the cook's catheter. We could definitely tell it was getting looser but it still wasn't coming out... which meant that I was still less then 6 cm. dilated. I was trying so hard to make it to 6 cm. before deciding whether or not I wanted an epidural. But the contractions were just becoming too much to handle. I was doing really well with the breathing but also felt like I couldn't catch my breath. After each contraction, I'd tug on the catheter and then cry cause it wasn't coming out.

I'm not sure what it was but I finally gave in to the pain told my husband that I wanted an epidural. All I kept thinking about was how drained and tired I was. I couldn't fathom having enough energy to push out a baby after enduring hours more of this. He agreed that it was a good idea and said some encouraging words before getting the nurse. Of course, once I'd made the decision it seemed like each contraction that happened while waiting for them to get set-up was the most excruciating one so far. It took 45 minutes for them to get started!

11:20 EPIDURAL! Sweet, sweet epidural! It was almost impossible to sit still through the contractions while the anesthesiologist was getting everything placed but as soon as he started poking around on my back some crazy adrenaline took over my body and I just sat as still as ever and barely flinched at the contractions.

It took effect almost immediately. I could still feel some pain at first but it was definitely better than before. They laid me up in bed and I instantly felt relieved. I didn't realize how exhausting it had been until I was finally lying down and breathing normally.

The nurse said she wanted to check me so she gave the cook's catheter a tug and it came right out!! Sure enough, I was 6 cm. dilated and 100% effaced. I'd made it! And now... bedtime!

Friday
Officially 42 weeks pregnant!

4:30ish I woke up starving! I also knew that baby's head was right there. I kept thinking that if I just reached down, I'd be able to touch his head! But, that scared me and I really wanted more sleep so I decided to ignore it. My mom just happened to come in the room to check the contractions on the computer and saw that I was up. She asked the nurse if I could eat and they brought me some jello. I drank come coconut water with pineapple juice, as well. My sister came in to say hey (they'd been in the waiting room all night with my dad). The nurse asked if I felt constipated as that may indicate that it's time to push. She said that the pattern of contractions were showing that baby was still sunny side-up so they wanted me to put the peanut ball between my legs and lay on my side to encourage him to turn. They kept calling it the magic ball! She didn't want to check my progress until we gave him time to turn. So, we went back to sleep for a little bit after this as we were told to rest up for the real thing!

5:56 The nurse woke me up to see if she could check me. I told her that I was pretty sure his head was poking out. I was right! They told me that I was 10 cm. and that baby was at Station 2. As Mr. Merman puts it, "That was a magical moment! It was time to get the real stuff going."

7ish The nurse had me do a practice push to see if he was really ready to come out. Apparently, they'd stopped the pitocin around 4:30 to give my body a break, which had slowed the contractions down. My push didn't do much so she had to turn the pitocin back up. We waited til those contractions started looking good again.

7:15 My midwife arrived! (The midwife that had done all of my appointments and was the head of my Centering group). Friday just so happened to be her "on-call" day and she came immediately to my room. She told the other doctors and midwives she wasn't leaving til my baby came. :) It was such a relief to have her there!
Everyone kept commenting on how cool the date was 7/7/17 and wanted me to aim for 7:17 AM as the time of birth. (yeah right!)

I finally started pushing around 7:20. With some coercing from my mom, I'd decided to use the mirror so I could see what was going on. It really helped as I couldn't feel what I was doing but could see the fruits of my labor. (ha!)

I pushed for a little over an hour with Mr. Merman on my left leg, the nurse on my right leg. My mom was standing behind me in complete silence (I really think she was in shock), and my midwife was between my legs. The nurse watched for the contractions and would yell, "Okay now!" when it was time to push. She counted through each one which really helped me figure out how to regulate my breathing and gave me a pushing goal. Honestly, it was pretty amazing. I couldn't feel anything but I was watching my progress and could see the baby coming out! His hair was sticking out and the midwife was giving him a mohawk. We'd have some friendly chit-chat between pushing session, as well. It was too so laid back & fun actually.

8:33 My baby boy finally came! I can't even describe how magical that moment was! They pulled him out and put him directly on my chest. I was in complete shock. I just kept holding him, looking at him, looking at my husband, looking back at him. I just couldn't believe it! I remember feeling like I was going to cry uncontrollably but made myself hold it together. I did have tears streaming down my face and I'm quite sure I caught Mr. Merman crying too. He leaned over and kissed me and it was the best moment of my life!

He came into the world at 8:33 AM on 7/7/17. His weight registered at 7 lbs. 1 oz. and he was 21.5 inches long. His hands and feet were so big they wouldn't fit on the footprint stickers. He was (and still is) absolutely perfect.

I know they say that some women don't instantly feel that love and admiration for their baby but I most certainly did. I couldn't get enough of him! It was instant love and my heart is so full.

My little Merbaby!

(A lot of chaos and not-so-happy things happened to me after this but I'll cover that in another post as I just want to focus on how amazing it was to birth my baby).

Going A Little Crazy

Help me! I'm now 41 weeks and 2 days pregnant! I know that a lot of first-time moms go past their due date but, I'm about to lose my mind!

Obviously, the eggplant parmesan didn't work but it was delicious! Mr. Merman isn't a fan of the eggplant so I've been enjoying leftover cheesy goodness for days. I just can't get enough!

Although the meal didn't cause me to go into labor, it may have helped move things along. The morning after eating it (Thursday), I lost my mucus plug. There was no question about it this time. It was exactly like what you see in the pictures online. I got so excited, that I jumped up and texted everyone who would care. Now, I realize that losing your mucus plug doesn't necessarily mean labor but it was the first sign that something was happening! I threw on my walking clothes, loaded the dog up in the car and headed to the park. We walked another 3+ miles then grabbed a treat at Starbucks on the way home. I has convinced myself that labor was coming within the next 24 hours and that walking would help it along. :(

Non-Stress Test
We made it to Friday for our NST. I spent 20 minutes lying on my back hooked up to two monitors. One kept track of the heartbeat and the other kept track of contractions. They gave me a little button to push anytime I felt movement. The results were great! His heartrate stayed right around 140 the whole time and there was more than enough movement. It even showed that I was having contractions!

Mr.Merman snapped a picture of the NST

The midwife asked about the cramping and discomfort from the contractions and I had to tell her that I had no idea what she was talking about! I haven't been feeling anything. She said they were very small contractions but were pretty consistent. It's been two days and I still haven't felt any. What could that mean?

We discussed doing another membrane sweep but decided not to. She said that losing the mucus plug and having contractions were both signs that my body is preparing for labor. So we decided to just go home and keep waiting. If nothing happens, then we go in Wednesday morning for another NST and we'll begin inducing that night. The induction schedule was full for the week but this midwife said she would directly emit me as I don't want to get too close to the 42 week mark.

So... there's that. I can focus on Wednesday. If nothing happens before then, at least there's a plan and I know it'll be less than a week before we get this sweet baby into our arms.

Bad News... Bringing Me Down!
Amidst all of the impatient waiting, I've been dealing with maternity leave paperwork and insurance bullshit. I got some really upsetting news about my maternity leave this week.  If you recall, I had phoned HR back in October during open enrollment to find out how leave works. At the time, I was told that they would use up all of my sick days before touching short-term disability. I've got more than 12 weeks of sick days saved up so she told me that I'd be able to use my sick days until I decided to go back to work. She also told me that the summer was free time off and my leave wouldn't start until the school year started back.

This whole pregnancy, I've been thinking I'd be on paid leave until October, which would be about 12-14 weeks with my baby. I've planned childcare, cloth diapering, and breastmilk pumping around this. I even avoided taking anymore sick days so that I could continue saving them for maternity leave. So I was pretty livid upon finding out that everything I was told was completely incorrect.

The lady processing the paperwork told me that I would only get 6-8 weeks of leave, starting from the day he is born even if it is summer. I called HR and explained what I'd been told in October. She said that the policy had changed. But I don't believe this cause I spoke with some other teachers who had babies this year and they were all only given 6-8 weeks. Which lets me know that the lady I spoke with in October was incorrect. She should probably attend some educational trainings so that she can do her damn job!

Maternity Leave in the USA.
Basically.

Here's the "maternity leave" plan:
- 6 weeks of "disability" if it's a vaginal delivery. 8 weeks if it's a c-section.
- The 6-8 weeks time-frame begins on the birth date, even though it is summer.
- They will not use my sick days during the summer but the time will count toward my 6-8 weeks of disability
- My sick days will begin being used once the school year starts back (July 24 for teachers) and I will get an additional $25 per week as part of the short-term disability plan I signed up for.
- Once the 6-8 weeks is up, I will stop getting paid.
- I'm promised 12 weeks of leave by law (FMLA) however these 12 weeks are unpaid. It just means that I won't lose my job or be penalized for staying on leave.
- The 12 weeks doesn't start until the school year starts (July 24)
- Once my 6-8 weeks is up, I can continue to stay home until the 12 weeks of FMLA is up on October 23.
- I cannot choose to use my sick days during this FMLA leave because I am no longer considered "disabled" after 6 or 8 weeks.

So let's say that "M" is born vaginally today. That means that I'd have to go back to work on August 14th, only having used 15 sick days.  Doesn't that just seem insane?!?!?! I have over 60 days of sick leave saved up right now. Why isn't it my right to choose if I want to use them as part of my maternity leave? I don't know what we're going to do but there's no way I'm going back to work when my son is 6 weeks old. Not to mention, I don't have childcare set-up to begin that soon.

Mr. Merman was extremely upset when I was explaining this to him. I told him there was no way I'd be going back to work in 6 weeks. He didn't argue with that so I'm hoping he's okay with me not getting paid for a few weeks. I'm not even sure we can manage that with the IVF debt we're still paying each month and the added cost of hospital bills and adding a new human to our family. But, I'm determined to make it work for at least 3-4 additional weeks. I just don't understand why this country doesn't have better options for new mothers and their sweet babies. It just makes me want to cry and scream and punch things. :(

(PS: If I didn't have any sick days saved up, I would only be getting 66 2/3% of my pay each week).

Breast Pumps and Insurance
Under the Affordable Care Act, insurance is required to cover the cost of breast pumps for new moms. However, when I called to infer about this I was told that it only covers manual pumps, unless I have a premature baby in which case they will cover an electric pump. (This was back in March or April) I was given the information for the company that would be providing the pump if I decided to get one.
Because I knew insurance wouldn't be covering an electric pump, I did tons of research on them and used gift cards from our showers to purchase the Spectra S2.

I had decided I wouldn't need a manual pump until recently. I've read that they can be helpful when you quickly need to relieve yourself of engorgement before actually feeding or get your letdown started for baby. So I called the company that provides the pump only to be told that they don't carry manual pumps. What?!? How can that even be possible? 

Then I called our insurance company back to see what the deal was. The lady seemed really confused by what I was telling her and wanted to know why I wanted a manual pump. This is when she tells me that whoever I talked to before was incorrect because they do cover electric pumps as long as they aren't hospital grade. *insert overdue pregnant woman anger here.* What the fuck does she mean they "cover electric pumps"?!? Why can't anyone in this world seem to do their fucking job?!?!?

I explained that I'd already bought a pump with my own money because of the information I was given. She apologized and offered to call the company for me to start the claim on getting a new pump, suggesting that I sell the one I have. Ironically, the pump company had an automatic message saying that they are "unexpectedly closed for the day." With it being a holiday weekend, I have to wait til Wednesday to call back. 

At this point, I'm just over it. I don't even know if I want to go through the trouble of filing a claim to get another pump. I already have one I like and have used. If I were to sell anything online, it would be the pump insurance provides and not my "hospital grade" Spectra pump. 

Although it might be nice to have a pump for work and one for home? Hmm....

Speaking of Pumping...

I've been doing more nipple stimulation. I decided to do it twice yesterday, instead of once. Guess what?! Colostrum started coming out! Mr. Merman and I were both in awe. My body can't seem to get pregnant and it can't seem to go into labor but HOLY COW! It does know how to produce some milk. I keep the pump on the massage setting just to stimulate the nipples so there were only a few drops. However, I'm curious if I'd be able to get enough colostrum to freeze if I switched it to the express mode. 

Feelings

I'm trying to stay relaxed and patient but it's hard. As of this morning, I am the last girl in my Centering Group to give birth. It reminds me of the feelings I had with infertility. I felt left out, as if I was the only woman who's body couldn't get pregnant while everyone around me was able to do it without even trying. And now I'm the only one who can't seem to go into labor while everyone around me is just popping out babies. And it's frustrating. 

I'm having a really hard time sleeping. The past few nights have been terrible. I feel tired but then I can't fall asleep and I can't get comfortable. I toss and turn until I finally give up. Oftentimes, I start getting hungry during these episodes and end up eating while I read a book or play on my phone. I'm not comfortable during the day because I can't find a good sitting position. Last night was just too much. I didn't want to sit, I didn't want to be awake, I didn't want to read or eat. I just wanted to SLEEP and I couldn't. All I could think to do was cry. 

I feel like I'm going crazy. I need to get out of this house and go do something! Mr. Merman and I saw "Baby Driver" last night. Then we picked up some clary sage oil (I heard it is supposed to help during contractions) and had dinner. But the instant we got back home, I started feeling anxious and irritable again. I'm losing the desire to do anything. I don't want to go grocery shopping because the last time I went was supposed to be the "last time before baby." I don't want to cook and plan meals because the baby should be here and we should be eating the frozen meals by now. I don't want to clean anymore because I've already cleaned everything with the mindset that it would stay this way for the baby but now things are getting dirty again. 

Piper got groomed yesterday so that she'd be ready for the baby. Right now, she's the only thing that really makes me laugh. I just go snuggle up with her when I'm feeling impatient and sad. 

I think I need to go walk around the mall or something today. I have to get out of here and get my mind off things before I go nuts. Luckily, Tuesday is a holiday so I'm making plans to stay busy. Fireworks with friends in our town tomorrow night then a parade and fireworks in the next town over on Tuesday. I'm skipping yoga tonight cause I just don't want to have to walk back in there and announce that I am still freaking pregnant. 

I'm so ready to meet this baby and be a mommy! 

Come on little "M"! Mommy and Daddy are dying to hold you.