Last Day of Leave

I can't believe that today is my last day of Maternity Leave. I am a mix of emotions as I reflect on the past 2 months and look forward to the future. As I type, Merbaby is lying on his playmat intently focused on the blue dog toy hanging in front of him. His left fist is up as he works hard to make contact with the blue dog. His little legs are kicking and his lips are puckered up in concentration. And my heart melts each time I look at him. My sweet, precious boy is already growing and developing so much! Its so unfair that I can't spend everyday at home with him.

Chaos of the Past Couple of Months
I swore that I would blog all through maternity leave to help savor every sweet little memory of this time that goes by so fast. That turned out to be a big fat FAILURE! Life is a bit busy with a 2-month old and every "break" I get is a rush of feeding myself, using the bathroom, taking care of the dog, and trying to get in a household chore before he wakes up. It's comical actually; almost like a relay race for life: "How much can you accomplish in an hour or less with just a few hours of sleep?"

I've decided to just highlight some of the biggest moments or things that stand out the most when I look back at our first 2 months as a family of three.

Colic?
First of all, let's talk about "colic." Sometime around 2-4 weeks, we noticed that Merbaby would start to get fussy around 5 PM and would cry until he slept for the night around 10 or 11 PM. The only thing that would calm him was walking around the house facing forward. It was exhausting! We would take turns walking around until he finally fell asleep and then we would crash! His naps were barely lasting 20 minutes throughout the day and I actually looked forward to nursing him because that was a guaranteed 20-30 minutes of peace and quiet while I was lounging in the recliner with the TV on. It was around that time that a former coworker and mom of three sent us a gift in the mail that changed our lives:

Every new parent MUST buy this book and read it immediately! It seriously changed our lives. I've heard of the 5 S's and I'd watched the YouTube video but it just didn't seem to work for us. I couldn't get the swaddling down (it's hard work with those blankets). Merbaby wouldn't take a pacifier. And the swaying just wasn't working out. Reading the book changed all of that. It explained the reasoning behind all of these things and even gave instructions on how to correctly use each of them. As it turns out, I was doing it all wrong.

The week I began reading this book was also the week that Mr. Merman was out of town for work. My mom came to stay for most of that week. Having her there was a gift! I read parts of the book to her and we figured it out together. By the time she left, Merbaby was sleeping much better and the colic seemed to be no more! I seriously believe that colic is a myth. It just seems like I didn't know how to soothe or calm my baby correctly. He wasn't sleeping well and it was causing this extreme fussiness. I read about sleep deprivation in babies and Merbaby matched all of the indicators. Of course this made me feel like a terrible mother but I was so happy to be able to recognize this and solve the problem. That Friday, Mr. Merman returned home with his sister and family in tow. It ended up being a great weekend visit because I now knew how to make my baby happy. What a relief!

I know every baby is different but the swaddle was key for our little guy. I gave up on the blankets after he broke out of them every night and I could feel my frustration taking over. We had several Swaddle Me's but I hadn't been able to figure out how to use them. After watching a few YouTube videos, I was able to figure it out and now we use it daily. Even though he still won't take a paci, we are able to hold it in his mouth to soothe him when he's having are hard time sleeping. So, this is my service announcement to new parents: Read The Happiest Baby on the Block and get some Swaddle Me's now!

First Outing
As any new mom will tell you, the first weeks of mommyhood are lonely. Honestly, I often wondered what we'd gotten ourselves into or if life would ever be the same. Watching TV helped remind me that there's still life outside of my house. I was purposely watching reality shows to prove that people still go out and do things after having children. It was pretty sad but it motivated me to get up and get out.

Going out in public caused anxiety because: What if baby has to eat? What do I wear so I can feed him in public? What do I wear with this weird postpartum body? What if he cries in public? Isn't he too young to take out? It's easier to just stay home. How will I even find time to get dressed and ready to leave? Do I have to carry him around in this carseat? Will walking around too much mess with my healing lady bits? Will it be painful to move around so much? What underwear do I wear out?

All of this was going through my mind but I was mostly anxious about feeding in public. I'm slightly modest and just don't feel comfortable whipping my boob out but I also wasn't comfortable enough with breastfeeding to do it under a blanket or cape. But I faced my fears when he was 1 week old because I just needed to get out of the house and do something before I went crazy!

We loaded up the car and headed to... the hair salon! ha! Mr. Merman needed a haircut so we went with him. Merbaby slept through the whole thing and I just sat in the chair admiring the world around me. FREEDOM! I wasn't ready to go home so we went shopping at Kohl's. It felt so, so, so, so good to be out! Of course, Merbaby did get hungry so I snuck back to the bathroom area where they had cushioned seating and I could feed him under a cape. SUCCESS! We had a successful public feeding although I was extremely anxious the entire time. Every time a man or woman walked by on their way to the bathroom, I got self-conscious. An employee stopped to ask me about the cape and I was just wishing she would go away! But that's okay because I did it!

Mr. Merman being silly during Merbaby's first outing! 

Dad's Accident
Unfortunately, my dad was in a car accident during Merbaby's 2nd week of of life. It just so happened to be during our second outing. I wanted to get out of the house so Mr. Merman decided that we should go outlet shopping and grab lunch. On our way home, I had a weird text from my dad saying that he had been in an accident but he thinks he's okay. He was moving that day and had been driving back home to eat lunch and pack up the last few boxes. He was at the intersection right by our neighborhood when a 19-year-old girl pulled out in front of him. While talking to him, he tells me that he's sitting on the curb with the police officer who is insisting that he go to the ER to get checked out. We were rushing to get to him so that we could assess the situation and take him to the hospital ourselves but we were stuck in quite a bit of traffic. He seemed shaken up on the phone and it scared me!

By the time we made it to the accident, they'd already taken him in an ambulance. As we pulled up and I saw my Dad's car crushed into a stop sign with the airbags deployed, I kind of lost it. Fighting the tears, I jumped out to talk to the officer about what had happened and to get information on where they would be towing the car. I climbed back into our car to a screaming baby. My poor husband had been sitting in the car with a crying, hungry baby the whole time. I felt terrible. It was all so overwhelming and I just cried. There's nothing scarier than thinking that you could have lost a parent in the blink of an eye. I felt so helpless with a newborn.

Best Husband & Son-In-Law Award goes to Mr. Merman! After he got me and Baby situated at home, he drove to the hospital to be with my dad. He drove to the tow-lot to clean out my dad's car. Then, he went to my dad's apartment and finished packing everything up. He moved everything to my dad's new place and even unpacked some stuff for him. The next day, he picked my dad up from the hospital and drove him around to run errands and get things in order. They came by the house to pick up my car that we let Dad borrow. His entire left arm was bruised and red. It was enough to make my stomach turn. How terrifying! The hospital thought he had bleeding between his skull and brain which is why they kept him overnight. But it turns out he just had a concussion. He still had a dull headache and was sore but overall, he felt fine. I was filled with anger at the girl who pulled out in front of him. How dare she put my father in danger like that! If only I could give her a piece of my mind. Thankfully, he's okay. He now has a shiny new truck and is happily moved into his new place.

Football and Baseball
Little Merbaby is already being introduced to the world of sports. My husband's company held a free event at the new football stadium in our town. We planned to go for weeks so that I'd be prepared to take this baby out. He wanted his coworkers to meet his baby and I was excited to socialize with adults. At 7 weeks, we took our baby to the new stadium where our home team was practicing on the field. They had free drinks and catered food. After the team finished with practice, we got to go down on the field! He won't remember this but we got to sit on the 50 yard line before the first game was ever played in this stadium. He slept through most of it but I did end up feeding him before we left. I'm getting much more comfortable with nursing in public. Depending on where we are, I rarely even cover up for it now.

Last week was our 7th wedding anniversary and my mom got free baseball tickets from work. The seats were right on the field so we decided to go. I dressed Merbaby up in his baseball clothes with a little baseball on his butt and we drove out to the other new stadium in our city. I carried him in the Ergo, which is so much easier then using a stroller! Unfortunately, a huge thunderstorm moved through and the game was cancelled. But we had fun checking out the new stadium, eating game day food, and hanging out with my parents. Maybe next year Merbaby will get to watch his first baseball game?

Perfect 2 Months
Overall, the first two months of this little guy's life have been filled with excitement and new adventures. It's a learning process for sure but I think we're doing a pretty great job. He's had so many visitors that love and adore him! A friend set-up a meal account so we had people signing up and bringing meals over once-twice a week. (I highly recommend this for all new moms). We were in survival mode and these meals made life much easier!

We've experienced shooting poo, loud baby toots in public, and being peed on. We celebrated Mr. Merman's birthday, which is another crazy story by itself since I may have waited til the last minute to plan anything. This little guy has been to several restaurants, survived being vaccinated, and has figured out how to sleep through the night (if 5 1/2 hours counts). He's been to a wedding shower, a baby shower, and a gender reveal party. There have been too many Starbucks trips to count. We've been on several walks through the neighborhood and at the park. We've had playdates with our Centering friends and other new mommies. The best playdate was when Mommy (me) accidentally locked us out of the house and Daddy had an important meeting at work that day. So we spent the day at our best friend's house, pooping, eating and sleeping. Oh the stories we'll have to tell!

Doctor Updates
As of now, Merbaby is 24.25 inches long and weighs 13 lbs. 5 oz. He has nearly doubled his birth-weight in just two months. He's a tall baby in the 96th percentile and we love watching him grow. He's currently wearing 3-month clothes but some of those are getting a little small. He's got pretty good head control and is really beginning to lift it up during tummy time (which he hates). He's beginning to coo a lot more and likes to touch things with his hands. He is able to track things with his eyes and often looks in the direction of our voice. Everything seems to be going well and is right on track for his age.

Miss Milky
This has become my nickname with our Centering friends because I am producing so much milk! My biggest fear was not being able to breastfeed, which seems ridiculous now. I'm so very lucky as it has been easy since day one. His latch was perfect. My milk came in right on time and he's been steadily gaining. No reflux or allergies have made their appearance in our lives and I'm feeling extremely fortunate. We met with a lactation consultant at 3 weeks to discuss building a back-to-work stash of milk and to discuss introducing the bottle. I began pumping each morning as that's when boobs are the most full. Once we introduced the bottle, I had to begin pumping twice a day and that's when I realized that I'm really milky! He only takes 2-3 oz. in a bottle but I'm pumping 10 or more oz. each time. One time, I pumped 17 1/2 oz. in one sitting! Because of this, I've got quite the stash built up and doubt I'll have any problems keeping up with his appetite once I go back to work. I plan to pump two times a day which should produce more than enough milk for him to eat the following day at daycare. Let's just hope my supply continues to stay up while he's away from me all day long.

My Milk Stash

First Day at Daycare
Speaking of daycare, Merbaby had his first day last week. We found an in-home daycare that isn't too far from our house and is on my way to work. This lady is extremely energetic and knowledgeable. She has 4 kids of her own and 7 grandkids so she's full of experience. I immediately felt comfortable in talking with her. She has 3 other babies that she keeps who are all at least a year old. Merbaby is her only newborn. On Thursday of last week, we decided to do a trial day to make sure he would take a bottle from her and to let them get to know each other. It also helped ease my mind about going back to work. I woke up and got ready as if I was really going to work. Mr. Merman helped load everything in the car and I dropped Merbaby off. Then I drove to work to test out the traffic and get a feel for how much time I would need to get there. As it turns out, I'll need to leave slightly earlier as I would have been about 10 minutes late to work. But the drive wasn't bad at all!

I drove home to pump for 30 minutes and then went to Starbucks. Since I was baby-free, I decided to go inside! It was surreal standing there without a baby attached to me, a freeing delightful feeling. I took my Starbucks and a book to the nail salon and enjoyed my first pedicure since having a baby. It was AMAZING! However, I was getting more and more anxious as time went on. It's weird not knowing what your child is doing after seeing his every move for 2 months straight. I was dying to know how many wet diapers he'd had, how often he'd eaten, and whether or not he'd had a nap. Was he crying? Did she swaddle him correctly? Did she check that he was breathing during naptime? I kept having to calm myself down and force myself to enjoy the "me-time" that I didn't realize I needed.

After 4.5 hours, I picked my baby up and he was just fine! She said he ate two 3 oz. bottles without any problems. He'd taken two short naps and had fun playing on a playmat. I brought him home and he slept some more. I think daycare wore him out. It was a freeing feeling being able to leave him with someone else while I took time for myself. I'm not so scared to go back to work now! Just sad.

First Night with Daddy
Friends of ours are getting married in a couple of weeks and this past weekend was the bachelorette party. We've known about it for quite some time and I'd made it a goal to be able to go. This meant having Mr. Merman do bedtime with a bottle for a week straight and leaving him with the baby while I went for walks with the dog or ran to Starbucks. And then the day came and I didn't think I could do it. Mr. Merman didn't seem fully confident in being alone with him for several hours. Merbaby had given us a really hard time going down the night before. Halfway through the day, I just decided that I'd wait until he was asleep before I left, even though that meant missing the lingerie shower and dinner. But, Mr. Merman insisted that I go and told me not to worry. It was the encouragement I needed sp I threw on the only black outfit that still fits (maternity pants and a loose black top) and left before I could change my mind.

I pumped once I got to the hotel and packed the milk in a lunchbox full of freezer packs. Then I enjoyed a glass of wine with the girls. Merman sent pictures to help ease my mind which helped me enjoy myself a little more. We went out to dinner and got margaritas. I kept having to remind myself that I was a mom... and that I wasn't pregnant... and that I had a baby at home but it was still okay to drink. I can't even explain how odd it felt to be out and about, barhopping and enjoying myself. I came home around midnight and experienced my first pump and dump. I prepared a bottle for his first wake-up, which happened to be 15 minutes after I finally got in bed. He took the bottle and went right to sleep. Was I tired the next day? Oh yes! Was it worth it? Most definitely! But, I think we'll be okay at this parenting thing. :)

PS: Mr. Merman says they played, watched some football, and walked around the house bouncing cause Merbaby was missing his mommy. :)

My Final Day of Maternity Leave 
Yes, I've cried. I thought I was okay until I started crying out of nowhere. I let him sleep on me in his agility carrier today. I've stared at him just a little too long... and plan to do more staring. I keep squeezing and hugging on him because I can't imagine him spending an entire day with another person. It breaks my heart.

I'm trying to busy myself with prep for tomorrow. Packing his diaper bag, prepping his milk, packing my lunch and all the pumping supplies I'll need. Mr. Merman is working from home due to Tropical Storm Irma so he's working on laundry. (Have I mentioned that he's the best?)

Update (a few hours later): After typing that, Merbaby woke up from a nap and ate. I played with him a good bit and then he fell right back to sleep on me. I decided to just let him stay there cause I'm going to miss that cuddle time so much! I've cried two more times today just thinking about what he'll be doing the next few days without me. I know he'll be okay but it's not fair that mommas have to leave their babies so soon. Every time he smiles at me, I tear up.

But I know we'll be okay. Maternity Leave has been like living a dream. It was hard and I had to learn a lot in order to care for this baby. But it was everything I'd always wanted and more. I'm looking forward to the rest of our life raising this precious boy. He's going to learn so much in the years to come and I'm excited to watch him grow. As they always say, my heart now lives outside of my body.

We've got an hour til his bedtime and I've done nothing to prepare. Guess I better let Daddy take over so I can get started.

After Birth Chaos!

I've been trying to find time to finish up my birth story for a while but it's hard to do life with a newborn. Every time he falls asleep, I go nuts running around the house to see how much I can get done before he wakes up. If I'm lucky, I can usually squeeze in a bathroom break, running the dog out, picking up a few things, and starting to get a meal ready before then he wakes up. Which means that I usually don't get to eat my meal until it's cold... or I'm eating it with one hand while breastfeeding... or taking a bite here and there as I walk around swaying and shushing the baby. It's a major adjustment but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Placenta Problems
Once I had that baby in my arms, it seemed like everything was right in the world. The nurse was able to get colostrum out of my nipple with one squeeze. (Side note: This caught me totally off guard! They'd pulled him from my vagina and put him on my chest when the nurse just grabbed a boob and squeezed. Everyone celebrated when goo started coming out. Wasn't expecting that at all). So we latched him on, which he did easily, while they cleaned him up and started on the Apgar scoring. Not sure if I already mentioned this in the last post, but I didn't get the full hour of skin-to-skin. My temperature was 100.4 during labor which could be a sign of infection. Therefore, they had to draw blood from the baby within 30 minutes of birth to test for infection. Since they had to take him to the little bassinet to do this, I requested that they go on and get his weight, measurement, etc. I still had a midwife digging around for the placenta so it gave me a little break and I could kind of see what was going on.

We did delayed cord clamping so we waited til everything had drained from the cord to cut it, which Mr. Merman had the honor of doing. He says it felt like he was in an alien movie because it had the weirdest texture and looked inhumane. Once the cord was cut, he asked if they could just pull the placenta out with the cord, which the midwife explained would help once they could get it down near my cervix.

I recall her seeming a little perplexed while she was working on my placenta. She told me to push but nothing happened. After about 30 minutes, she looked at the clock and claimed that it had been long enough. My placenta wasn't coming out and her fingers weren't long enough to pull it off the uterus. She sewed up my 2nd degree tear explaining that she wanted to get that done before the epidural wore off completely. Then she called the OB in to work on the placenta because "he has longer fingers." This is when shit got scary.

The OB came in and was extremely nice. He began working on detaching the placenta from my uterus when the nurses told him that my epidural had shut off about 2 hours ago. Without the epidural, it was going to be extremely painful for me. So he asked for some pain meds. They put fentanyl in my IV (I didn't know it was fentanyl at the time). At first, it felt GREAT! I was in heaven with my baby and feeling really good. Merbaby was latched onto my boob, Mr. Merman was by my side, and I was feeling high as a kite while the OB went to town digging in my uterus and I couldn't feel a thing. That's when things start to get blurry.

This was basically me...

Those pain meds made me feel so drowsy and I could hardly stay awake. I kept falling asleep then jumping awake because I was afraid I'd drop the baby. I was also having a severe case of FOMO as I didn't want to forget anything about the 1st day of my child's life. I was trying so hard to listen to the doctor and store everything in my long-term memory. It was kind of like Dory in Finding Nemo... if I just kept repeating it over and over, I'd remember!


 At one point, I told Mr. Merman to text me what the doctor was saying so that I wouldn't forget. I recall hearing the doctor mention doing a D&C, which scared me to death. I'm already infertile and don't need another procedure that could mess things up even more in there. A D&C also meant taking me away from my baby and I couldn't handle the thought of that. Eventually, I asked the nurse and Mr. Merman if he could take the baby and do skin-to-skin cause I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and wasn't sure I could continue holding the baby safely. As soon as he took Merbaby, I passed out.

I'm not sure what all happened in this time. I remember glancing over at my husband holding my baby and being completely in love. Chocolate was involved. Remember that goody-bag my sister dropped off? It was filled with dark chocolate so Mr. Merman kept sneaking me little bites of heaven. I heard something about cauterizing because of all the bleeding. Then I felt some uncomfortable poking. The OB explained that he was redoing the stitches because they had come undone with all the placenta removal drama. Then there was some celebration because he was pretty sure the whole placenta was out and I didn't need a D&C. But I was still bleeding and he was extremely concerned about my blood loss.

(I also remember people telling me not to look down because I kept trying to see what was happening. There was lots of blood and my placenta was in pieces on the table. The doctor was covered in blood past his elbows. Jokes about it being a murder scene were made. Mr. Merman told me there was blood all the way across the room!)

The doctor filled my uterus with packing, which I don't remember. But I do remember him pulling it out and being concerned about how quickly it had soaked through with blood. He put more in and told me that if I bled through that in less than 30 minutes, they were going to need to do something. I honestly don't remember what that something was. Maybe it was the cauterizing? Luckily, I didn't soak through it that quickly. And it hurt like a bitch when the nurse pulled it all out! I don't wish that on anyone.

My iron levels came back at an 8. They had dropped from 14 to 8! That's when Mr. Merman told me they were going to do a blood transfusion if it had dropped to 7. So I just barely missed that nightmare, as well. No wonder I felt extremely weak and had lost all color.

They put my back on pitocin and fluids for 12 hours to help my uterus contract, empty out the contents, and to keep me hydrated. I also had to take Methergine to cause more contractions that are supposed to help with bleeding after labor. And, of course, I was put on iron supplements.

Unconsented Vaccine
In the midst of all this, the OB came back in and sat down at the end of my bed. He said something about my baby getting an extra poke. I smiled cause I was so drugged up and loved hearing someone call him "my baby." But then he explained that the nurse had given him his Hep B vaccine, which we had not wanted. My only reason for this was that poor little Merbaby was going to be given a Vitamin K shot and then would be circumcised during his first 48 hours of life. I just wanted him to have one less poke during that time. Having his Pediatrician give him the Hep B vaccine during his first visit had been the plan. So we declined consent on Hep B, meaning we didn't sign the forms... and they gave it to him anyways!

The doctor explained how serious this was. They had already written up a report and sent it upstairs. He told us to expect the big-wigs to visit our room at some point to apologize, investigate, etc. Mr. Merman said he saw the nurse give Merbaby two shots but didn't realize what was happening. I really wish I'd been able to see that cause I definitely would have said something to stop the nurse. After hearing this, I was over all the issues of the day and just wanted to go back to sleep.

Update: No one ever visited our room to apologize. We've heard nothing more of this accident. We received the hospital bill and they even charged us for the vaccine! My mom used to work with the health system at that hospital so she's advising us on what to do next. More updates on that as it happens.

Moving Rooms
After all the chaos and some extra monitoring, we were finally allowed to move upstairs to the recovery room/Mother and Baby Ward. FINALLY! We'd been in the laboring room for over 48 hours without windows. The recovery room had sunlight and a beautiful view! Ironically, I could see our fertility clinic from the window in our room. So I shouted out a few "Thank yous" to them while we were there. :)

Merbaby enjoying the sunlight!

My brain was still really fuzzy once we moved rooms. I remember trying to text people then falling asleep which resulted in some funny text messages. Mr. Merman took pictures of me holding Merbaby and I'm just completely zonked out in a lot of them. My sister came to visit and brought us Chick-Fil-A. After eating, I felt 100 times better! I was finally able to call the nurse in to help me to the bathroom and I was starting to feel like me again.

My memory of our first night is a little fuzzy. I know we got pretty decent sleep and Merbaby was a pro at breastfeeding. We were told that he should be getting 20 drops of colostrum every hour or so. This was easy as we just hand expressed a few drops and rubbed it on his gums. His constant sucking was supposed to help bring my milk in faster so I just let him suck away.

They came in to weigh him that evening and he weighed more than he had at birth! After conversing, we concluded that the nurse must have weighed him incorrectly at birth. So we have no idea how much he truly weighed. But the nurse and midwife suggest that it was probably closer to 8 lbs. than to the 7 lbs. 1 oz. that had been recorded.

Day 2- Circumcision & Jaundice
They circumcised him the next morning meaning that he was away from us for an hour. We decided to take the opportunity to sleep! Unfortunately, we had 6 interruptions during that short hour of time: The hearing specialist, lactation consultant, photographer, maid, nurse's assistant, and my dad! It was unreal. Needless to say, we didn't get that nap we so wanted. And most of our interruptions returned within the next couple of hours. My dad came back shortly after so he could finally meet his grandson. Merbaby passed his hearing test. The lactation consultant confirmed that we were on a role and didn't even need her help. My mom came to visit and the photographer was able to snap some pictures of our little family.

Just when we were feeling pretty good about this whole parenting thing and ready to get the heck out of that hospital, we were told that his bilirubin levels were elevated. It wasn't extremely high so the pediatrician suggested that we put him in the biliblanket overnight. If the levels dropped, we could go home the next day. If not, I would be discharged but Merbaby would have to go to the NICU. We were also warned that Night #2 is when babies make up for lost time. The nurse told me to prepare to feed all night long and she was right! I woke up at 11 PM to his hungry cries. I put him on my boob and he was on them sucking until 6 or 7 the next morning. All whilst being wrapped up in a hot biliblanket. The nurse checked his temperature every hour to make sure he wasn't overheating. At one point, we had to take him off for an hour to let him cool down because his temperature had risen above 100 degrees! But, the blanket did the trick! His levels dropped and he was cleared to go home on Day 3!

This was also the day that I pissed all over myself. Everything down there feels really weird and unusual after giving birth so I wasn't really aware that I needed to pee until it was too late. Mr. Merman was asleep and I was feeding the baby. But I knew I needed to get up and go so I yelled for him to take the baby. As soon as I stood up from the bed, pee was pouring out everywhere. I had absolutely no control and couldn't make it stop. I waddled to the bathroom just in time to get the final bit into the toilet. The poor nurse couldn't believe how much pee was on the floor. She told me to make myself go every 2 hours after that. Oops!

Day 3- Going Home
After 5 days of being in the hospital, we could not wait to get home! It felt like a victory when they finally released us. Mr. Merman packed everything up while I tried to dress myself and the baby. His going home outfit was way too big and I couldn't find the smaller outfit I'd packed so our little miracle IVF baby went home in a white onesie and gray pants. But, at least we matched as I also had on a white shirt and gray pants. Totally unplanned!

The nurse's assistant rolled me and Merbaby out to the curb where Mr. Merman picked us up. It felt so good to be in the sunlight with fresh air on my face. I could have sat outside forever! Being at home felt amazing too. No more interruptions during naps, no more nurses poking around on my poor belly. I was able to shower and get in clean clothes. We all know how good that feels. I laid back in the recliner in our nursery and nursed my sweet baby in his bedroom. It was the most glorious feeling!

My stepdad brought our dog over so that they could both meet Merbaby. Mr. Merman and I went outside to greet and love all over her without the baby. She licked my face like she hadn't seen me in years. We brought her inside to meet the baby and she went nuts smelling him and licking his toes. My sister and Mom had given her some of Merbaby's hospital hats to smell while we were gone. She actually slept with one and put the other in her crate so I think she had an idea of what was happening. She knew that new human smell was related to mommy and daddy. I like to think so anyways...

Our neighbors left dinner and dessert on our porch. They also decorated our mailbox with Baby Boy balloons. My mom and sister had decorated the house and left some treats out with the sweetest cards ever. I literally just stood in the kitchen and cried for a minute because it was real! After all that we'd been through, I was at home with my baby!!! I had become a mom!

Jaundice Continues...
We had to see the pediatrician early the next morning (day 4) to check his bili levels which had doubled! So a bilibed was delivered to our house and he had to be on it constantly. The only time we were supposed to take him off was when he was eating. At first, it was torture. We have this new baby we can't even hold or cuddle with even when he was crying. But the torture finally turned to relief when he fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 5 straight hours. We got more sleep than we'd had in days!

Our sweet furbaby wanting to help care for Merbaby in his bilibed

We were back at the pediatrician the next morning (day 5) and his bili levels had dropped. We were told to take a day off from the bilibed to see if the levels stabilized. We also met with the lactation consultant that morning just so I could make sure we were doing everything right. According to her, I was one of the easiest patients she'd ever had. He was latching perfectly. My milk had come in and there was plenty of it. He was transferring plenty of milk.  Hallelujah!! Not being able to breastfeed was one of my biggest fears. My body may not know how to conceive a baby and it may not know how to induce labor but it does know how to feed a child! Go, Boobies, Go!

One more trip to the pediatrician on day 6 confirmed that his bili levels had evened out and we were safe to discontinue treatment. We could finally move on with life as a new family without making a daily trip to the doctor's office.


Love
Since then, we've been trying to figure out life with a new family member. I'm so incredibly thankful for every stressful moment with this baby. No one and nothing can prepare you for this stage and it's a tough one. But I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm thankful for every tear he cries, scream he screams, and for all the explosive diapers, poop rockets, and sleepless nights. I just love him so much, it's indescribable.

He's Here! Birth Story

Our little man finally made his way into the world, with a lot of medical coaxing. He had no desire of coming out and apparently, my placenta didn't get the eviction notice either (more on this in the next post).

Before I start the birth story, I just want to say how happy I am. Parenting is HARD! The first week has been more work than I could have ever imagined but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I tear up just looking at him knowing how much it took for us to bring this beautiful life into the world. He's all ours. He's perfect in every way. I keep thinking how lucky I am to have him and just can't believe that he's actually here. I gave birth. I'm a mom. I have a son! It's too hard to believe. :)

Wednesday, July 5
41 weeks and 5 days pregnant... and still no signs of labor! We got up that morning and went to the chiropractor for an adjustment. I'd gone on Monday in hopes of having the Webster technique performed to induce labor. She asked that I come back on Wednesday and swore that the adjustments would make labor easier. Not going to lie, I felt a million times better after that first adjustment. Then, made our way to the OB for what we thought was going to be a non-stress test. However, once we were there, they called us back to do an ultrasound. They checked his measurements, amniotic fluid levels, movements, and umbilical cord. Then we met with a midwife. She offered to check me but said there was no point if I still wanted to be induced that day. It was essentially our choice to move forward with an induction that evening or to keep waiting another day or two.

Knowing that an induction could take days, we decided to stick with the plan. I couldn't imagine waiting any longer. So the midwife called the charge nurse in L&D then returned to tell us to arrive before our scheduled time (5PM). She said there were beds available so the sooner we got there, the better. We were instructed to go grab lunch, pack the car, and come back to be emitted. That was the craziest feeling! We were officially on the road to getting baby out!!! Unbelievable!

We came home to load the car. Mr. Merman showered and shaved cause we knew it'd be awhile before we could do that again. I called my friend over to pick up our dog. It all seemed to happen so fast. When my friend left with Piper, I started crying. I knew that was the last time she'd leave as an "only child" and as our only baby. I took one last chalkboard picture and we were on our way. Our first stop, Chick-Fil-A! I had planned to eat two large fries before going in to be induced but that's when I thought it was going to be 5 PM! Since it was only 1:30, I opted for a normal meal but ate every bit of it.

At the Hospital
2:00 Once at the hospital, we had to check-in and go through all the paperwork. We finally got into a room around 2:30ish. The nurse checked me and I was still only 1 cm. dilated and 70% effaced. It had been over a week and nothing had changed! At that point, we had to wait for the midwife to make the next call. Pitocin or Cytotec? I changed into my gown, crawled into the hospital bed and settled in with Ellen on TV.

4:00 The midwife came in to explain how Cytotec works. It's a tiny little pill that is supposed to induce contractions. The plan was that I would take a dose every 4 hours until I'd taken 4 doses. I took the first pill at 4:15 PM. According to the monitors, I was having mild-moderate contractions every 3-4 minutes but wasn't feeling anything.

8:15 They checked me again and nothing had changed. But, my contractions were getting stronger and were much closer together. Because of this, they were unable to give me another dose. Protocol doesn't allow one to take Cytotec if the contractions are as consistent as mine were because it can put too much stress on the baby. So, they hooked me up to fluids hoping that would calm down the irritation. The midwife discussed using a Cook's Catheter to move things along. I was pretty weary of doing this **flashbacks to infertility and HSG procedures**. The idea of having another balloon in my cervix was making me anxious. The midwife liked how strong and consistent my contractions were so we decided to wait it out and see if the fluids helped to calm things down.

Thursday, July 6
Officially 41 weeks and 6 days pregnant... still no baby

12:30 (AM) My contractions were getting further apart but not enough to take more Cytotec, so we started low dose pitocin at a level 2. At this point, we were pretty tired and knew the pitocin would be more likely to work. So, we decided to call it a night and try to get some sleep.

The view of Pitocin and Saline from my bed that night

Sidenote: At some point during all of this, we set the room up with our stringed lights. We turned all the fluorescent lights out and had the white lights on the counter. My sister came by to hang out for a little bit but I can't remember when that was exactly. I know she walked the halls with me and took some pictures. I was bouncing and rolling on the peanut ball hoping to get things moving. She also brought the lavender oil in case I wanted something to help calm me down. I'd also packed Clary Sage Oil that's supposed to have a calming effect on laboring women. I put a bit on a napkin and had it ready to smell whenever I felt stressed or couldn't handle the contractions. It seemed to work! Even Mr. Merman was using it after my bad contractions.

6:30  I woke up to pee and thought my water was breaking. It was a really weird slow leak of some sweet smelling liquid. The midwife wasn't sure that it was my water but thought it was possible. She checked me again and I was only 2 cm. and still 70% effaced. At this point, the contractions were going off the grid but I was still only feeling mildly uncomfortable and pain level was at a 3 out of 10.

1:45 PM Turned pitocin up to 16. I started feeling little cramps but it still wasn't very painful or uncomfortable.

3:15 We decided to take a nap. I woke up around 4 to some really intense contractions. I didn't want to wake Mr. Merman up because I kept thinking I'd lay back down to keep sleeping. But, they were getting really intense. I was breathing through them and bouncing on the ball but it wasn't helping the pain. So, I woke him up and told him I was finally feeling the contractions.

**SAPPY MOMENT** 

Mr. Merman ran to his bag and pulled something out. He told me that he wanted to give me something (a push gift) before the pain got too bad. It was a ring with the July birthstone in it. A ruby to always remind me of our sweet little guy. To make it even more special, he used the setting he'd originally bought as my engagement ring but ended up not using. He's been saving it as a push gift all these years. 

6:15 They checked me again. 2 cm. dilated and 80% effaced. I was so mad about this! All this pitocin and the painful contractions, and I'd barely made any progress. At this point, the midwife suggested using a Cook's Catheter but also told me that I could continue on naturally now that the contractions were actually doing something. The pain was so intense, I was on the verge of tears with each contraction. I couldn't imagine doing another 3 hours of tpain to only progress 1 cm.
So... Cook's Catheter for the win!

6:50 The Cook's Catheter was placed. (It is a little catheter with a balloon on each side. It goes through your cervix and the balloons are filled/blown up to help ripen and open the cervix. It is supposed to fall out once you've dilated 5-6 cm. Basically, it's a really uncomfortable way to move things along). I had flashbacks of the HSG and infertility so I really had a hard time agreeing to use this but knew it would be worth it. I kept telling myself that there would be a baby at the end of this balloon. Also, it really wasn't bad at all, nothing at all like the HSG.

Labor was getting more and more intense. I was leaning on Mr. Merman a lot more and couldn't do anything other than stand and sway. At one point, my sister and mom poked their heads in. I was so mad cause I thought I'd made it clear that I didn't want anyone in the room while I was laboring. Mr. Merman said, "Now is not a good time!" and then I felt bad cause my sister was just dropping off a goody bag. She whispered that she just wanted to bring us a treat. I can't remember what she said after that cause I was mid-contraction but I remember appreciating it and feeling a little more motivated to keep getting through each one. We peeked in the bag and it was full of chocolate and gummy bears. I will always remember the smell of my husband eating gummy bears while I was laboring. I even ate one!

9:30 My water broke! I was in the midst of a contraction, leaning on Mr. Merman and swaying when it felt like a balloon popped in my belly and liquid was pouring out. Relief is what I felt as I said, "My water broke!" Mr. Merman ran to get the nurse. They cleaned me and the floor up.
Something was finally happening! The nurse pulled on the catheter and taped it further down on my thigh so that it was putting more pressure on my cervix... hopefully getting my cervix to hurry up and dilate!

Each contraction after this was so intense, I seriously thought I was dying. I was literally crying through them and telling my husband that I just couldn't do it anymore. They were getting so close together that I didn't have much time to recover. The nurse kept coming in to tug on the cook's catheter. We could definitely tell it was getting looser but it still wasn't coming out... which meant that I was still less then 6 cm. dilated. I was trying so hard to make it to 6 cm. before deciding whether or not I wanted an epidural. But the contractions were just becoming too much to handle. I was doing really well with the breathing but also felt like I couldn't catch my breath. After each contraction, I'd tug on the catheter and then cry cause it wasn't coming out.

I'm not sure what it was but I finally gave in to the pain told my husband that I wanted an epidural. All I kept thinking about was how drained and tired I was. I couldn't fathom having enough energy to push out a baby after enduring hours more of this. He agreed that it was a good idea and said some encouraging words before getting the nurse. Of course, once I'd made the decision it seemed like each contraction that happened while waiting for them to get set-up was the most excruciating one so far. It took 45 minutes for them to get started!

11:20 EPIDURAL! Sweet, sweet epidural! It was almost impossible to sit still through the contractions while the anesthesiologist was getting everything placed but as soon as he started poking around on my back some crazy adrenaline took over my body and I just sat as still as ever and barely flinched at the contractions.

It took effect almost immediately. I could still feel some pain at first but it was definitely better than before. They laid me up in bed and I instantly felt relieved. I didn't realize how exhausting it had been until I was finally lying down and breathing normally.

The nurse said she wanted to check me so she gave the cook's catheter a tug and it came right out!! Sure enough, I was 6 cm. dilated and 100% effaced. I'd made it! And now... bedtime!

Friday
Officially 42 weeks pregnant!

4:30ish I woke up starving! I also knew that baby's head was right there. I kept thinking that if I just reached down, I'd be able to touch his head! But, that scared me and I really wanted more sleep so I decided to ignore it. My mom just happened to come in the room to check the contractions on the computer and saw that I was up. She asked the nurse if I could eat and they brought me some jello. I drank come coconut water with pineapple juice, as well. My sister came in to say hey (they'd been in the waiting room all night with my dad). The nurse asked if I felt constipated as that may indicate that it's time to push. She said that the pattern of contractions were showing that baby was still sunny side-up so they wanted me to put the peanut ball between my legs and lay on my side to encourage him to turn. They kept calling it the magic ball! She didn't want to check my progress until we gave him time to turn. So, we went back to sleep for a little bit after this as we were told to rest up for the real thing!

5:56 The nurse woke me up to see if she could check me. I told her that I was pretty sure his head was poking out. I was right! They told me that I was 10 cm. and that baby was at Station 2. As Mr. Merman puts it, "That was a magical moment! It was time to get the real stuff going."

7ish The nurse had me do a practice push to see if he was really ready to come out. Apparently, they'd stopped the pitocin around 4:30 to give my body a break, which had slowed the contractions down. My push didn't do much so she had to turn the pitocin back up. We waited til those contractions started looking good again.

7:15 My midwife arrived! (The midwife that had done all of my appointments and was the head of my Centering group). Friday just so happened to be her "on-call" day and she came immediately to my room. She told the other doctors and midwives she wasn't leaving til my baby came. :) It was such a relief to have her there!
Everyone kept commenting on how cool the date was 7/7/17 and wanted me to aim for 7:17 AM as the time of birth. (yeah right!)

I finally started pushing around 7:20. With some coercing from my mom, I'd decided to use the mirror so I could see what was going on. It really helped as I couldn't feel what I was doing but could see the fruits of my labor. (ha!)

I pushed for a little over an hour with Mr. Merman on my left leg, the nurse on my right leg. My mom was standing behind me in complete silence (I really think she was in shock), and my midwife was between my legs. The nurse watched for the contractions and would yell, "Okay now!" when it was time to push. She counted through each one which really helped me figure out how to regulate my breathing and gave me a pushing goal. Honestly, it was pretty amazing. I couldn't feel anything but I was watching my progress and could see the baby coming out! His hair was sticking out and the midwife was giving him a mohawk. We'd have some friendly chit-chat between pushing session, as well. It was too so laid back & fun actually.

8:33 My baby boy finally came! I can't even describe how magical that moment was! They pulled him out and put him directly on my chest. I was in complete shock. I just kept holding him, looking at him, looking at my husband, looking back at him. I just couldn't believe it! I remember feeling like I was going to cry uncontrollably but made myself hold it together. I did have tears streaming down my face and I'm quite sure I caught Mr. Merman crying too. He leaned over and kissed me and it was the best moment of my life!

He came into the world at 8:33 AM on 7/7/17. His weight registered at 7 lbs. 1 oz. and he was 21.5 inches long. His hands and feet were so big they wouldn't fit on the footprint stickers. He was (and still is) absolutely perfect.

I know they say that some women don't instantly feel that love and admiration for their baby but I most certainly did. I couldn't get enough of him! It was instant love and my heart is so full.

My little Merbaby!

(A lot of chaos and not-so-happy things happened to me after this but I'll cover that in another post as I just want to focus on how amazing it was to birth my baby).