Updates & Pregnant-Mom Life Through a Pandemic

As of today, I'm 19 weeks pregnant! Tomorrow is the anatomy scan with the MFM doctor. If all looks good, I'll be released from the specialist and will only be working with my OB/Midwife for the rest of the pregnancy.

First and Foremost,

IT'S A BOY!

We are so excited that Mertoddler is going to have a little brother to play (or fight over) cars and trucks with. We did a Zoom gender reveal on April 18. Some of our closest friends and family joined us on the call. We set up the video camera, ipad, and laptop on the back porch so that everyone could see us and we could capture the moment. Mertoddler wore pink because he insisted the baby was a girl. I had on blue and Merman was wearing green as he claimed to be neutral (ha!). We did a little countdown and popped the confetti out of the tubes. (Mine didn't pop open right away because I'm weak apparently). But I saw the blue flying out of Merman's tube and his instant reaction of pure relief. I finally got mine to pop and started explaining to Mertoddler that he was having a brother! I'm so excited to be a real boy-mom, as it's what I always pictured myself as.

I was also a little shocked at the sense of peace I felt after finding out. Knowing that we already have everything we need for this little guy is so comforting. We have tons of clothes, shoes, toys, baby supplies, etc. The list of things we need is so small and it really has made me feel more at ease about what we'll need to prep for the arrival of this sweet boy. 

Pregnancy/Baby Updates

April 11- EASTER! We told Mertoddler that he was going to be a big brother! He got a Big Brother shirt in his Easter Basket and two books about being a Big Brother. We read the books to him and then explained that he would be a brother soon. His initial reaction was that of a typical 2-year-old, in which he insisted that he's not a brother and was getting very upset with us. So, I reset the tone and started over with the news. I explained that I have a baby in my belly and that's when he seemed interested. We caught the whole thing on video and I'm so excited to show it to him when he's older. His eyebrows shot up with excitement as he touched my belly. And then he was over it and ready for a snack 3 minutes later. haha!

We Facetimed the in-laws that day, with Mertoddler wearing the Big Brother shirt. It took them a minute to catch-on but they were elated once I put the sonogram photo on the screen. My father-in-law just kept asking if it was real. 

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April 13- Since I last wrote, I've had the initial appointment with the MFM for the NT scan at 11ish weeks. All the measurements came back normal and they said that everything looked great. If you remember, our first MFM appointment while pregnant with Mertoddler didn't go too well. My amniotic fluid was low and we found out that I had marginal cord insertion. So it was almost unbelievable when they told me that everything looked normal with this pregnancy and that I would likely be released from their care after the anatomy scan.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm 85% sure I saw the gender of the baby at this appointment (which was before the reveal). I pretty much knew we would be having another boy. The ultrasound tech did all the measurements and spent about 5 minutes looking at the baby on the screen. I was able to watch and ask questions. We talked about all the body parts and how crazy it is to see the baby moving so much because I still couldn't feel it. Throughout this entire process, we never saw between the legs. But then the doctor came in to have a look and the second he put the probe on my belly, a crotch shot popped up on the screen. There were two open legs and a little penis sticking straight out. Before I could process what I was looking at, the doctor yanked the probe off my belly and said, "Do you know the gender?" Even though I was thinking, "I do now!" I just told him, "no" so he placed the probe back down on the complete opposite side of my belly. I spent the next day trying to determine whether or not that was actually a penis I saw, but the gender reveal confirmed that it was. hahaa! So, once again, the gender was revealed to me before I was ready. But that's okay! I'm just so happy to be having another baby boy. 

This was also the day that my mom and stepdad got their package in the mail. So, we did a Zoom call with them (and recorded it). The thing I remember most about the call is my stepdad mumbling, "Are they serious?" to my mom in the background because he was in such disbelief. My mom was shocked and totally surprised. With the plans of IVF underway and then being stuck at home in the middle of a pandemic, pregnancy wasn't even on their radar. I've watched that video several times now and just can't get enough of her initial reaction. You can see Mom's brain working to process the information and it's AWESOME!

We did a Zoom call with my dad that night. Mertoddler was being so cute and yelling, "We're having a baby!" over and over. My dad was also in disbelief because I'd told him the fertility clinics were closed and that everything was on hold at the moment. He just kept asking why I'd lied. lol. Once I explained how I was pregnant prior to the pandemic and all the information I gave him was true, it just didn't affect me, he started to understand. I never lied! 

My sister and niece said they KNEW I was pregnant because I'd been so overly cautious about the pandemic. And my niece was mad that I didn't tell her first. 

May 4- I had another appointment with my midwife. It was short and sweet. Baby's heartrate was around 135 and everything was normal. I had blood drawn to test for Spina Bifida and was sent on my way. (Yes, they're still screening patients as they come in. I am now required to wear a mask at each appointment. And check-out is over the phone so you just walk out when you're ready to leave).

Pregnancy has been pretty easy since hitting the second trimester. I hardly feel pregnant and my bump is still pretty small. I can't wait to take a 20-week photo and compare it to Mertoddler's 20-week picture. I actually think I'm smaller this time around. I did a comparison at 15 weeks and this bump seems to be much higher up than it was with Mertoddler.

14 + 3 weeks pregnant! Hello, 2nd trimester!

My boobs are still pretty tender and sore to touch. I'm slowly transitioning into maternity clothes. However, being at home all the time means that I'm always in yoga pants and PJs, so it's an easier transition than it would be if I was getting dressed for work everyday. I purchased more maternity yoga pants since we'll be stuck at home for quite some time. 

I started feeling Baby move about 2 weeks ago (a little before 17 weeks). Now I'm feeling him move even more and I absolutely love it! He seems to be most active at night and first thing in the morning. I love ending the day on the couch, waiting to feel him bouncing around in there while I enjoy a popsicle... or two. There's something about a cold, fruity popsicle that I just NEED every night before bed and it's the first time I've really experienced a pregnancy craving.   

Mertoddler Updates

I was rocking Mertoddler to sleep last week, and he started hugging my belly. He told me that he was keeping the baby warm. When I moved him to the bed, he tried putting the blanket on me and told me that I needed to cover my belly cause the baby was cold. Then he exclaimed, "Make sure the baby pops out of your tummy in the morning so he can get in bed with me!" 

He is suddenly really into pretending his stuffed animals are babies. He wraps them up in blankets, pretends to feed them, plays with them, and kisses them. The other day I heard him whisper to his baby elephant, telling him that he really loves him. It was the sweetest thing in the whole world and I just can't wait to see him as a big brother.

He's doing much better with the toddler bed. This pandemic has caused a shift in our schedule so he's going to sleep much later than usual (9ish PM) and waking up between 6:30-7:15 every morning. Naps have moved from 12 to 2 each day and it has been quite the adjustment for me and Daddy.

Mertoddler is riding his bike like a champ! He's doing so well that we're considering a real bike with pedals for his birthday. He has great balance and can glide with his legs up without any effort at all. Last week, he started pretending to pedal because he saw his friend doing it. He will definitely be ready to pedal by July!

He's also beginning to use big words and vocabulary that he's picking up from his books, TV, and us. Yesterday he told me that he "scrambled back under his covers" when he woke up and heard the storm outside. He uses these words correctly and it makes my heart flutter every time I hear him say them: especially, actually, probably.

He's just growing up so fast and it has been really neat to see it firsthand over the past 10 weeks together.

Pandemic Updates

We're at the start of Week 11 since everything shut down due to COVID-19. Merman and I have been working from home the whole time. He's also in IT school so he's very busy. Which means that I'm overly exhausted. I never imagined I'd be parenting a toddler 24-7 with no breaks while pregnant. But I've adjusted and now that I'm in the 2nd trimester + Mertoddler is sleeping again, things have been going pretty well. We've spent most of our days going on walks/bike rides, playing in the yard with the hose, sand/water table, splash mat, chalk, bubbles, and more. We've met more of our neighbors and Mertoddler has made new friends. We've spent a lot of time riding around in the car just to get out of the house. And I've cooked more meals and washed more dishes than I ever imagined possible.

We've become very creative with indoor activities on rainy days: painting anything in sight, creating ramps for the cars and monster trucks, puzzles, making cards and pictures to send friends in the mail, Hot Wheels car wash, baking treats, building with blocks, Magnatiles, dry erase markers and boards, trains and tracks, books, TV, and so much more.

Merman has built and completed furniture for his office/Mancave in the basement. I've decided to update our dining room and I've completely cleaned out and reorganized our hallway coat closet. We had a guy come by and clean up our yard and spent the whole last week laying pine straw in the flowerbeds to make it look pretty again. Merman swears he'll be repairing the rotted siding on the house so I had a company come give us a quote for a new exterior paint job. Hopefully, that will actually happen soon.

Last week was the official last week of school for me. NO MORE WORKING FROM HOME WITH A TODDLER! HALLELUJAH! I had to go in to clean up my classroom for the summer and it was so weird. It felt really, really good to be back at work but it was odd packing up a classroom that hadn't been touched in 9 weeks. We had a parade for the graduating 5th graders that day, which was so much fun. I teared up seeing some of my former students ride by. We didn't get to finish the year together, we didn't get to have their 5th grade graduation ceremony, and I didn't get to tell them goodbye properly. I can't imagine how seniors in high school must be feeling right now.   

A Bit of Normalcy
Our state was one of the first to start opening things back up, much to our dismay. Even the president commented on his disapproval of the way our governor chose to reopen. But it was nice to have the parks/trails open back up. I've been able to take Mertoddler to a variety of parks around town so he can ride his bike and have a change of scenery each day. (Our daily ride to the farm up the road was getting a bit old). He loves "going on adventures" and discovering new places at each park.

For Mother's Day, we invited my parents over and had a socially distant lunch on the back porch. I finally caved and allowed Mertoddler to play on the neighborhood playground. (I've been too nervous about germs to let him play previously). I can't even begin to describe how nice it was to see my parents again after 5 months! But it was so hard not to hug them.

I was able to schedule a surprise visit to a local petting zoo last week. They're allowing people to reserve an hour to come visit the animals. They clean and sanitize everything for each family and only allow immediate family members with the reservation. So, Mertoddler and I got an entire hour to ourselves! He rode a pony for the first time and loved it! We got to pet goats, bunnies, ducks, chickens, pigs, and sheep. They had a stall full of construction vehicles so we spent a lot of our time playing in there. And we ran around outside to play in the little clubhouses they had. It was the most excitement we'd had in weeks and Mertoddler did not want to leave!

Since then, we've ventured out to a couple of restaurants, which still makes me very nervous so we'll probably hold off on doing that again anytime soon. We went to the real zoo, as they have reopened for members only. And they have it really well planned out. First, we had to reserve a time to visit online. When we arrived, they scanned our reservation and our Membership card. Once inside, we had to follow the arrows through the zoo. At each exhibit, there were taped off boxes letting us know where to stand to see the animals. There were hand sanitizing stations everywhere and the zoo staff were there to enforce safety measures. It was highly recommended that visitors wear masks, which many of us did. All buildings, playgrounds, rides, etc. inside the zoo are closed. Even so, we had a GREAT time and Mertoddler cried when we had to leave. He's been begging to go back so I think we'll be doing that again soon.

This weekend, we got really brave and attended a low-country boil across the street at the neighbors' house. It was their family, a couple friends, and us. We were outside the entire time but I'm really hoping we didn't take too much of a risk by going over there. Our neighbor introduced Mertoddler to the skateboard. His eyes lit up on that first ride and he kept jumping back on to try it again. This daredevil kid of mine is going to give me severe anxiety one day.

Mertoddler stayed at my mom's house last night. His first sleepover since December. Everyone had such a time! Merman and I finally had some alone time. We rented a movie and ordered pizza. WE got some laundry and cleaning done. AND we napped and slept in. It was pretty amazing. But I missed my little buddy so much.

I think we're going to take it easy the next two weeks just to ensure that all of our adventures this week didn't expose us to the virus. My uncle is currently in the hospital because of it and his daughter (my cousin) is at home with milder symptoms.

Daycare will be opening back up soon and I'd really like Mertoddler to be able to return for 1-2 days.

So we'll be taking it easy and enjoying more time at home after a busy week of going out into the world again.

I can't wait for that anatomy scan tomorrow! EEEEeeeeeeekkkk!!!!

My latest Bump artwork. I'll be updating
it to say 20 weeks in just one week!

This is ACTUALLY Happening! (4/11/20)

Our NIPT results came back low risk for everything. I can finally breathe!

April 2nd (11 weeks, 3 days)
The day had finally come to get the blood draw for NIPT screening. This day put us one step closer to letting down our guard and hopefully being able to fully embrace this pregnancy and the possibility of a second child.

Once again, I had to be screened at the hospital entrance. I carried tissues in my pockets to use when pushing the elevator buttons. The appointment was with my midwife and since we're friends it was almost like having a fun little social hour (aside from the awkward pap smear). :) Apparently, we were the only ones in the office at the time. No doctors, no other midwives, and I was the only patient. She kept commenting on how eerie it felt but I was thankful for the time to catch-up and socialize with another adult female.

After the pap smear, I mentioned that I hadn't had any bleeding since the last appointment, which was over 2 weeks prior. So she decided we should do an ultrasound to check on it. (I secretly think she wanted to see the baby). She got very excited saying, "No one is here! Let's go see that baby!" Of course I was elated to get to see him/her again and to get that reassurance. The ultrasound tech was there but my midwife stayed in the room with us. We just laid there watching Merbaby2 bounce around and wiggle. Putting his/her little hands up to the mouth and paddling the feet. It was so stinking cute. And... the sub chorionic hematoma was GONE! It was no where in sight! HALLE-FREAKIN-LUJAH!

I was so happy and excited after the ultrasound, that I got dressed and walked right out of that office without even thinking. Floating away on Cloud 9, I got all the way to the parking deck, and was in the car about to leave when my phone started ringing. It was the phlebotomist! I'd completely forgotten to get my blood drawn. I had to walk all the way back into the office to get my blood drawn for the NIPT screening. I don't know whether to blame that on pregnancy brain or being socially distanced for too long. But I definitely felt like a ding-dong. Only slightly embarassed, I made my way back through the hospital to have the blood drawn. After having about 5 vials of blood filled, I was on my way out happily staring at the pictures of my sweet bouncy baby.

The Wait
Thus began the looooong wait to get that phone call with the results.

After the appointment, I went to school to get some things out of my office. The building was opened for one week. We had to sign up for a 30 minute time slot and only 9 people could be in the building at a time. I was really late for my time slot (because of the appointment going long), forgot my badge to get in the building, and forgot the keys to my office. (My brain is obviously struggling to function these days). Luckily, the custodians signed up for the same time so they were able to let me in and open my office. I grabbed a bunch of books, crafts supplies, and things I thought Mertoddler might enjoy using at home. It was devastating being in the empty room. Everything was left exactly how it was 3 weeks prior. Nothing had been moved or touch and that was something so somber in that moment. I decided to clean up a little, put things away, and tried to organize the chaos.
Shortly after, the state governor announced that schools would remain closed for the rest of the year. And I cried. I cried way more than I thought I would. This is such a weird time and so many of our students need that constant education or they will begin to lose what they've learned. Next school year is going to be very interesting.

We spent the weekend going for walks, bike rides, visiting the farm animals down the street, reading the new books Mommy brought home from work, baking brownies, playing in the water and sand table, and more!

Paw Paw came by to drop off an egg decorating kit later that week. Mertoddler and I stood in the driveway waving at him and talking from a distance. It was so sad not to be able to run up and hug him. It really broke my heart.

I got a little desperate with the art projects this week. We collected pine cones and brought them home to paint... just to do something different. We did make some really pretty Easter egg crafts to hang in the window. And I attempted a Pinterest rainbow painting that failed but was still really cute. We're sending that one to Gigi.

Transitioning to the Toddler Bed
On Wednesday, March 25, Mertoddler climbed out of his crib for the first time ever. In the process, his chin/neck got caught on the railing. He wasn't injured but it hurt and I think it really scared him. I was in my bed and heard a loud "thunk" so I grabbed the monitor to check, and he was no where to be seen. So I ran out of my room and he was standing outside the door. Gasping in shock, I said, "How did you get out of your bed?!" His little eyes welled up and his lip started to tremble. He wouldn't respond and I could tell he was terrified so I scooped him up and cuddled him, telling him it was okay. That's when he started telling me that he got hurt. I made him show me how he climbed out and where he hurt himself. Once I determined that he was okay, he was back in bed and falling asleep. But, this meant that it was time to switch to the toddler bed!

The next day, Merman took the front rail off of the crib. Not sure we should have jumped into transitioning so abruptly but we did it. I don't think Mertoddler was ready for it and I definitely wasn't ready. It has been quite the challenge as he does not want to stay in bed and/or falls out at night and sleeps in the floor. A friend of mine suggested putting a pool noodle under the sheets to prevent him from falling out. I went out that very night to buy the pool noodle (and stroll around Target a little bit just because I miss it so much). That noodle was the perfect trick! He hasn't fallen out of his bed since that we placed it under his sheets and he seems more excited about being in bed. My mom (Gigi) sent him a new race car comforter and he loves it!

After many sleepless nights and lots of anti-sleeping battles, I've began reading about toddler sleep training. I've used some of the methods I read for the past two nights and it seems to be helping. Bedtime is much more pleasant and less of a battle. He's not depending on me or Mr. Merman to be in the room so he can fall asleep. He's still going to sleep past bedtime but it's a pleasant experience and a step in the right direction (I hope). We're still having night time wake-ups but they aren't as frequent and he's able to quickly go back to sleep. Hopefully, we'll be back to our normal sleeping pattern soon cause this pregnant mama is pooped!

NIPT Results 
April 9- Okay, back to the pregnancy! As the week went on, I was getting more and more anxious about the results. I tried focusing on the excitement of finding out the gender, hoping to block out all the negative thoughts and worst-case scenarios. They said it would take 7-10 business days to get results but I got a text on Monday saying it was being processed. Surely, it wouldn't take a week to process?!? Every time my phone rang and I saw an unknown number, my heart would begin to race. Taking deep breaths, I'd listen to the voicemail only to find that it was not the results. The suspense was killing me.

Finally, on Thursday afternoon (exactly one week later), I realized I had a missed call and a voicemail from the OB office. Listening to the voicemail, the nurse sounded very happy and positive so I quickly called back. She said that everything came back looking good so I asked her to repeat that everything was normal. ha! She explained that the test determined whether things were low risk or high risk and all my blood work came back low risk. Jumping for joy, I just kept telling her how worried I'd been and how grateful I was.

What a relief! I didn't realize how much that was weighing on me. Knowing that this baby is healthy and safe has finally allowed me to let down that protective wall. This is actually happening. We have a baby on the way! After getting off the call, I grabbed Mertoddler and we did a happy dance. We ran down to the basement and interrupted Merman (who was hard at work) to tell him the good news. EEeeekk!!! This is real!

As for gender, I asked the nurse to text it to a friend (my best friend's sister actually). She has already ordered some gender reveal poppers on Amazon and will be placing them in our mailbox once they arrive. Sometime next week, we'll schedule a Zoom meeting with family and a few close friends to do the gender reveal. I am very excited but also have no preference about which gender it is. I've always pictured myself as a boy mom and can't even imagine having a girl now that I have Mertoddler. There would definitely be some pros to having another boy: we already have all the clothes and toys, they would likely enjoy many of the same things, etc. But, I think Merman would really like a girl and I would be excited to experience life as a girl mom too. So we will see! I honestly don't have any kind of intuition on which it could be. I'm just so excited to have a healthy baby in there. And I'm still in shock that we did this on our own. AMAZING!

Next Steps
I have an appointment with the MFM on Monday. I had planned to cancel it, especially since the hematoma was gone but I got so worked up waiting for the results this week, that I decided to keep it for my sanity and peace of mind.

Announcing to family and friends! Now that we have the genetic results back, we're ready to announce. Mertoddler will be finding out on Easter. He'll be getting two big brother books so we're hoping that will help us explain what's going on. We will likely Facetime Merman's parents that day to tell them, as well.

I've sent a package to my mom and stepdad in the mail, which will arrive on Monday. It has some goodies in there (artwork, socks, candy) along with a brag board that contains a picture of my niece, Mertoddler, and the sonogram photo saying "Due October 2020." I've told her that I want to see her reaction to one of the gifts because it is going to be so funny. (The socks are personalized with her dog's face, so she'll open that first and think that's why I wanted to watch her face). For this reason, she will Facetime us before opening the gifts. Once she knows, we'll Facetime my sister, niece, Dad, and text some other family members. I think we'll put Mertoddler in a "Big Brother" shirt and see how long it takes everyone to notice.

I can't even believe this is my reality. I'm so beyond grateful!

It Happened Again (2/25/20)

We got pregnant on our own! I'm currently 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I'm an anxious mess.

How It Happened
As I mentioned in the previous post, we decided to continue trying on our own while we waited for IVF to actually start. We'd taken a break in November and December to focus on the holidays with Mertoddler. Not to mention, the much needed emotional break I needed after loss and months of Letrozole. After all the chaos of January (Mertoddler's head injury and all the sicknesses), I almost decided to extend our break. But just as ovulation was approaching, I was finishing up the medication and beginning to feel like myself. So, we gave it a go! My OPK was positive on January 26 and we went for it. But I never imagined it would actually work.

My mind was preoccupied with raising more money, filling out applications, and scheduling IVF to begin in March. The two weeks leading up to the positive test was spent getting everything in order and scheduled with my nurse. We'd gathered enough money to pay for the medications so I put that in a safe place. I spoke with my Attain representative and chose a plan. My nurse was filling out the application and needed an updated AMH level so we scheduled it for the second week of February, when my cycle was due. I chose the lender we wanted to use and scheduled a date to meet with a representative and apply. The medical records request was sent to the OB so that my RE could make adjustments to our protocol based on the data from our Letrozole cycles. I even had a meeting with my principal to explain what the next few months would look like and to get approval on the sporadic absences. Lastly, my nurse was preparing the protocol and we were supposed to begin hormone priming with my March cycle. EVERYTHING was coming together perfectly.

Finding Out
About a week after ovulation, I was having pretty bad cramps and complaining to my friends about how it was too early to be cramping (Cycle Day 20). The cramps lasted all week and my boobs began to feel extremely tender. This is common leading up to my cycle but it was still so early! I snapped (Snap Chat) my best friend to complain about this horrendous boob pain. The tenderness was similar to that of a breastfeeding momma who needs to feed ASAP. The only way I knew to describe it was that I felt this crazy, weird urge to breastfeed a baby just so I could get some relief. The tenderness was much more intense and sensitive than it is with a typical cycle. And so my friend suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I thought, "Well that's ridiculous but what the heck? I've got a box full of tests that'll never be used. I know it'll be negative and that's okay because once my cycle starts, we're one step closer to beginning IVF." So, I went home and pulled out a cheapie to use the next morning.

Friday, February 7, 2020
It was a bit of a chaotic morning and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to test. I was trying to get Mertoddler occupied while Merman was taking care of Piper. I'd been holding my pee since waking so that I could use it for the test and wasn't sure how much longer I could wait. (By the way, I didn't even tell Merman that I was testing. I really expected it to be negative). But I finally got Mertoddler set up with breakfast on the couch while his favorite cars video was playing. Racing upstairs, I was able to pee in the little cup before my bladder exploded. I used the dropper to drip three little spots of urine onto the test strip. Instantly, there was a line... a positive test line! There was zero wait time! It was immediately positive! I hadn't even missed a period yet. I was only 12 days past ovulation and on Cycle Day 25. 

I spent the next 3 minutes pacing the bathroom in shock, constantly checking the test to see if I was going crazy. Thoughts of surprising Merman ran through my head. Ultimately, I decided I just needed to run and tell him. As he was walking in from taking Piper out, I ran to him with the test and that's when I started to cry. He seemed confused and asked what it was, then looked at me and said, "Are you crying!?" I think I muttered something about sore boobs and that I was pregnant as we hugged and kissed. What a surreal moment! And one I'll never forget.

We scrutinized the line together and he thought it was too light to get excited. So I explained how early in my cycle it was, how quickly the line had appeared, and how tender my boobs had been. I think I was trying to convince myself more than him. Because of his "faint line" comment, I began second guessing the cheap tests that I'd never used before and snapped my friend to ask how reliable they were. I grabbed an Early Response test and put it in my work bag so that I could test again with my second urine of the day. If the familiar brand was positive this early on, I could trust that this was actually happening and prove it to Merman.

Second Test
On the way to work, it started to snow! We haven't seen snow here in two years. It was pure bliss and I just laughed and smiled all the way to work. Around 8 AM I decided to go to the bathroom and try to force some pee out. Luckily, it happened again. The test line showed up instantly. And it was really, really dark. I started cheering and crying again then sent a picture to Merman saying, "I'm pregnant, Babe!"

   



















Within a few hours, I'd contacted my nurse and scheduled a beta for that day. I ran to the front office and told my principal what was going on. She seemed just as shocked as I was and gave me permission to leave early. It was a glorious day and I was on Cloud Nine!

Beta Results: 
3 weeks 4 days- 81
3 weeks 6 days- 222
4 weeks 3 days- 1215

These numbers are very promising as they're higher than the results I had with Mertoddler.

Symptoms:
This pregnancy is already so different from my first pregnancy with Mertoddler. Other than the tender breasts, my face is breaking out terribly. I don't think I've ever had so many pimples on my face. I'm also experiencing quite a bit a nausea. For some reason, I crave chocolate every time the nausea hits. It was extremely bad this weekend so I purchased ginger candy, chocolate, and ginger ale. But eating a lot also seems to help so I'm basically eating all day... which can't be good this early on.

I've had some mood swings and noticed that my patience seems to be lacking with students and at home.

I've peed on about 10 sticks over the weeks just to see that line grow darker and reassure myself that this is really real.

Ultrasound
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound at 6 weeks 2 days. And I'm a wreck. All I can think about is everything that can possibly go wrong, especially since my eggs are such shit. Focusing on the here and now has been helpful but I can't push away this feeling of dread... impending doom. It's making me crazy! I know that the miscarriage in April has really effected me and has a lot to do with my current level of anxiety. However, I've made it further into this pregnancy. My betas are much higher and stronger and so is my progesterone. I'm pregnant with no injections. It's unreal to think about!

But I'm at a higher risk for genetic disorders and miscarriage because of my diagnosis. I don't have the added comfort of knowing that this embryo is genetically normal like I did with Mertoddler. Because of this, I feel like I'm putting up a wall to protect myself. If this doesn't work out, if it ends early, if we found out there is something wrong with the baby, I need to be prepared. My biggest fear at the moment is that this might be a blighted ovum. And if we see a heartbeat tomorrow (please, please, please) my next biggest fear is that it won't be strong enough or that it will suddenly stop during the next couple of weeks. And after that, I worry that a genetic disorder could cause a late miscarriage or create some major life changes for us.

Basically, I'm driving myself into a panic. On repeat in my head: this is out of my control and, at the moment, I'm pregnant. All the symptoms are promising as are the betas and darker tests. This can actually happen and go well. Worrying won't fix anything!

There have been days where I just knew that this was going to be a successful and healthy pregnancy. Confidence was radiating through my bones as I imagined what the next few months would look like and wondered how we'd arrange the bedrooms for two kids. And then doom hits and I can't even allow myself to get excited. Honestly, at the moment, I feel like I giving myself a pep talk for getting bad news tomorrow and practicing how I'll react. WHY?!?! I know this can't be healthy for me or the baby.

I've never been so scared or anxious about anything in my entire life. We got pregnant twice (naturally) in less than a year. What a miracle! I just hope this second time delivers us a healthy baby.

Until tomorrow...