10 Weeks Today!

Today, I am officially 10 weeks pregnant. The baby has graduated from an embryo to a fetus. This is starting to seem a little more real. Today is also the last day of PIO injections and other medications! I think I'll be celebrating with a glass of sparkling white grape juice tonight.





It has been quite a while since I updated the blog. I blame it on the holidays and the fact that every time I sit down, I doze off. But, I am so excited to update today because I'm still pregnant (eeek! Still so weird to say!) and things seem to be going well.

Ultrasound #2
Our second ultrasound was on November 8. I went alone to this one because we knew it'd be really quick and didn't want to use up Mr. Merman's time off. This ultrasound was so incredible for so many reasons. First of all, I got to see the baby's heart beating! My RE told me to take a video for Mr. Merman. (I love her so much)! I've watched it a hundred times since that day. I'm so thankful that she allowed me to video this as we'll always have it and that special memory. Baby's heart rate was at 174 and was only measuring a day off. Due to the great news, we officially graduated from the RE. It was surreal!

I went in around 3:30 in the afternoon. I'm assuming I was the last appointment because no one was there and they immediately called me back. The phlebotomist shouted a big, "CONGRATULATIONS!" as the nurse was walking me to my room. After the ultrasound, my RE gave me a parting gift (a baby spoon with "Best Wishes" engraved on it) and a huge packet of my paperwork from my time spent with their office. She told me that I better send pictures and that she couldn't wait to meet my baby. As I was leaving, the receptionist shouted another congratulations and told me to come back and visit with Baby. By the time I made it to the elevator, my eyes were filled with joyful tears. I GRADUATED!!!

Ultrasound #3
My first appointment with the OB was a week ago. My husband and I went together as we didn't know what to expect. My best friend told me that they won't do another ultrasound til week 20 so Mr. Merman thought he better come see this one. We waited at least 45 minutes before being called back, at which point I thought I was going to pee all over myself. Once we were finally called into the room, she informed me that they didn't even need a urine sample! All that tortuous holding for nothing. Argh.

The ultrasound tech was so great about letting us look at the baby for a while. She even let us take a short video. We could see him/her wiggling around while watching the heartbeat. We also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time! I could have laid in that chair listening to the heartbeat forever. It was such an amazing experience that I thought I'd never get to have. Baby was measuring exactly 9 weeks with a heart rate of 189. He/she was slightly larger than an inch. They measured my cervix and checked all my anatomy. The ovaries were cyst-free and everything looked perfect.

We met with a midwife to go over the basics and next steps in pregnancy. It was all a bunch of stuff I already know but was good to hear. My next appointment is on Dec. 16 but won't include an ultrasound. I may have to work some charming magic to get one out of them. I'd really like to be able to see my baby to make sure it's still in there. Pregnancy after infertility is so nerve-racking.

Announcements
We've slowly been announcing to people over the past couple of weeks. Hiding a pregnancy is extremely hard but I think it has been even more difficult for us because of the infertility journey we went on. So many people know of the journey and knew we were taking extreme action. Naturally, this leads to lots of questioning and support. We can only make up excuses for so long.

We told my parents 2 weeks ago. We invited my mom and stepdad to lunch. After we ordered our food, I told them I had something to show them. Mr. Merman started recording as they opened their gifts. We gave Mom a onesie that says, "Hello Granny! Coming June 2017." My stepdad opened the frame that we made with the ultrasound picture in it. They were surprised and thrilled! My mom almost started crying. After that, we drove to my dad's to give him a birthday present. It was a shirt that says, "Grandpas are Dads Without Rules." I taped an ultrasound picture to the top of the tissue paper so that he would see it as soon as he opened the gift. It took him a minute to process what was happening but as soon as he did, he got really excited.  It felt so good to FINALLY be able to tell my parents. I think we may have overwhelmed my dad as we laid the whole infertility story on him at the same time. I explained everything we had been through over the past 3 years to get to this point. He seemed a little shocked but said he knew something was up cause he knew we started trying years ago.

We sent the announcement frame to Mr. Merman's parents in the mail. I wrote "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL YOU CALL US" all over the box in red marker. They ended up getting the package a day early so we FaceTimed them when Mr. Merman got home from work. I think they had an idea of what it was because of the nature of the situation. But, it didn't change their reaction at all. His mom started tearing up and his dad just kept saying, "We were hoping!" It was the sweetest reaction and they couldn't have been happier.

                

 

I finally told my sister and niece this past Monday. I gave my sister a mug that says, "The Best Sisters Become the Coolest Aunts" and gave my niece a t-shirt that says, "Best. Cousin. Ever." My niece immediately knew what it meant but my sister thought I was just giving her a mug to remind her what an awesome aunt I am (hahaha). It wasn't until she saw my niece's shirt that it clicked. She screamed my name then started jumping up and down clapping as she ran to hug me. It was, by far, my favorite reaction. My niece is so excited to possibly share her birthday with her new little cousin. Although, she did admit that she didn't want to spend her birthday in the hospital.

I've told a few friends this week and am still in the process of telling some more. As for now, we're just telling the people that are closest to us and knew about our struggle. My friends have been so incredibly supportive. Two of my girlfriends came over Wednesday and I had the "Big Sister" bandanna on the dog. Another one of my closest friends is coming by in a few hours. She's the one that announced her pregnancy just before we did our transfer, which was devastating. But, now, I'm so extremely excited to tell her that we're just 10 weeks apart and get to experience becoming mommies together! I'm pretty sure she'll cry, which will make me cry, and I can't wait! I've been so excited about telling her so that we can share our pregnancy stories & go through the process together.

Pregnancy Updates
I've officially gained 1 whole pound. It feels like a lot more but I guess that's just because I'm bloated. I look and feel pretty normal in the mornings. By the end of the day, my belly seems huge. I broke down and bought a maternity bra because my other bras just keep shrinking and are getting very uncomfortable. ;) I also bought a belly band. I can still wear most of my jeans but am struggling to squeeze into my dress pants for work. The belly band will make it possible for me to continue wearing my normal clothes for a while longer. I wore it for Thanksgiving yesterday and LOVED it.

I'm not really having any cravings. I just get really hungry and need food immediately. It's like this ravenous hunger that can't be stopped. Sometimes, I get headaches and nausea if I don't eat right away. However, I did go on a wild cheese rampage last week. Everything I ate was covered in some type of cheese, especially cream cheese. MMMmmm!!!

So far I haven't had any morning sickness. I've definitely experienced some extreme nausea though. I found some organic ginger tea that seems to help. I guess that replaces the coffee I used to drink by the pot before getting pregnant.

Getting up in the middle of the night to pee has ceased to exist, thankfully! I try not to drink anything after 8 PM and always pee right before getting in bed. I've been able to sleep for about 6 hours before waking up to pee. It's AMAZING! I don't know if it's the hormones or what but I'm so glad I'm no longer getting up to pee all throughout the night. I need a few more weeks of good solid sleep before the years of no sleep begin.

The tiredness seems to be getting better. I've been off all week and getting TONS of sleep so maybe that has something to do with it. We'll see how I feel next week when I get back into the work routine. I've been pretty productive this week and proud of myself for actually getting some chores done around the house.

My 8-week Art Work... 2 weeks later

Thanksgiving
This was our year to do Thanksgiving with the in-laws. But, I wasn't comfortable flying or driving 18 hours during my first trimester so we stayed home. Instead, we hosted Thanksgiving at our house for the first time ever! My mom, stepdad, and sister came over. I'd say it was a successful holiday gathering! Luckily, Mom was in charge off all the hard cooking. I just made some gluten-free sides and pumpkin pie cheesecake.

For the first time in years, I was able to actually fully enjoy the holiday. I wasn't a big ball of depression. I wasn't thinking about how we were celebrating yet another childless holiday season. Instead, I was focused on actually being thankful and feeling happy. I was able to imagine what it will be like having a 5-month old next Thanksgiving and it was a GLORIOUS feeling! Several people have commented that something is different. They tell me that I seem more happy and alive. Trust me, it was a long road but totally worth it to be where we are now. This year, I'm thankful for the friends and family that supported us throughout the journey. I'm thankful that we were able to come up with the funds needed to make this pregnancy happen. And, most of all, I'm thankful that I have a little baby swimming around in my uterus right now. I'm still in complete shock that this is actually happening.

Our First Ultrasound

Ultrasound
Yay! We made it to the first ultrasound!! I was beyond nervous going into it. When I woke up Tuesday morning, there were no hunger pains and I didn't have to run to the bathroom. Automatically, I thought something must be wrong. I kept waiting for the hunger to kick in but it never did. This weird, terrible feeling took over me and I couldn't function. I ended up sitting on the couch under a blanket, playing on my phone, trying to pass time quickly so that we could just see our baby already!

When we finally got there, my husband expressed his excitement but could tell that I was nervous. Thankfully, they called us back immediately. The RE turned the screen away before starting the ultrasound. I was taking big, deep breaths as I prepared to hear that something was wrong. Then she said, "There is that little embryo with a heart beat!" She turned the screen so that we could see it and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Going into this day, I imagined that I'd cry tears of joy or squeal at the mere excitement of seeing our embryo for the first time. But, neither of those happened. I was frozen. I just stared in disbelief as she described what was on the screen. Mr. Merman didn't make a sound either. Eventually, I gave a little clap and said, "YAY!" Looking back, I imagine the RE and nurse thought we were the least excited couple to finally be looking at our baby.

If I recall correctly, our little chocolate chip was 5 mm long. I was 6 weeks 4 days at the time but was measuring 6 weeks 1 day, give or take 2 days. I'm not going to let that worry me though. It's close enough. We'll go back in next Tuesday for another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hopefully, there will be some growth and we'll be able to graduate to an actual OB. Now, all my focus is on making it to Tuesday. EEeeekk!!

Our teeny-tiny embryo and yolk sack

PIOs
That's right! I am still doing nightly progesterone injections. In fact, I'm still taking Estradiol 3x a day along with the baby aspirin and lots of other vitamins. The injections have become so routine now that I barely even think about them. My butt is starting to get a little itchy from all the alcohol wipes. The nurse told me that I would remain on meds until 12 weeks. But, the RE told me I'd only be on them until 10 weeks. I'll have to check on that again soon. It makes me nervous to think about stopping the progesterone, especially if I'm not seeing my RE anymore.

I've become quite the pro at giving these to myself. I much prefer Mr. Merman to do it but when the timing doesn't work out so well, I'm all in! In fact, I shot myself in the ass in the bathroom of a movie theater a couple of weeks ago. I packed all the supplies in a little tupperware container and carried it in my purse. When it was time, I sneaked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and gave myself the injection.

Bathroom Shots!

Diet and Exercise
I started exercising again. My best friend and I have been participating in a series of 5k's this year. The final one was last weekend and I couldn't miss it. In preparation, I slowly began walking again, building from a quarter mile, to a mile, then 2 miles, and so on. By the time Saturday rolled around I was ready to go! I finished in exactly 59 minutes and 59 seconds. But, who cares? I got to walk it with one of my dear friends and talk all about IVF, pregnancy, babies, and more! It was the perfect start to the day.

My goal is to go on a 2 - 3.5 mile walk at least 3 times a week. I may start on the elliptical when the weather gets cold. I'd like to remain as healthy and as fit as possible for me and Baby P.

My hunger hasn't been nearly as bad this week. I've been trying to squeeze in veggies as much as possible. I'm adding a lot more spinach to my smoothies. I'm also tossing it into my scrambled eggs in the mornings. I bought some peppers to eat with hummus. Baby P decided he/she doesn't like asparagus so I've had to switch up my lunch veggies. I'm trying green beans this week but it's starting to make me nauseous when I eat those too. This is so not good! I need all the healthy nutrients I can get! But, I'm still getting my share of ice cream, cupcakes, and crackers. My favorite thing right now is graham crackers and peanut butter. YUM!!

my sweet walking buddy

Insurance/Maternity Leave
Open Enrollment is happening right now. I decided to use my free time on Tuesday to call and ask about maternity leave before making any decisions. Can I just say how fucked up maternity leave in America is? Yes, I do have short-term disability which will allow 6 weeks of leave with a natural birth and 8 weeks for a c-section. What I'm currently enrolled in will pay me 50% of my salary during that time off. But, will I actually get to use this (already shitty) form of leave? Nope! I have to exhaust all of my sick days before I can start short-term disability.

There are so many shitty factors in this situation! First off, I've been saving up my sick days for 8 years in preparation for a baby. My thinking was that I'd have a lot to use when the baby or myself got sick. I had no idea I'd be using them up for my maternity leave!!! Secondly, I currently have 55 sick days, which is past the 6-8 week short-term disability leave limit. This means that I won't be able to use disability at all. Lastly, all the fucking male teachers in my county get to save up all of their sick days forever! They don't have to use them when a baby is born because they're men. No wonder my dad was able to retire with an extra year of sick days added to it. HE NEVER HAD TO GIVE BIRTH!
And to top it all off, I'd have about 15 more sick days than I do now if I wasn't infertile! I had to use up a lot of my days just to get a baby. It's all just really unfair.

I was so upset when the lady was explaining this to me on the phone. My heart was racing. What happens if I want to have another kid (wishful thinking)? I won't have any sick days left! What happens when my baby gets sick and I have to leave early? Oh, that's right. No sick days left. I'll just leave without pay. No biggie. It's not like I've spent more than a year's salary on making this baby and will have an increased budget because I'm finally getting one. Who needs money anyway?

Canada looks better and better everyday

Even with all of the bad, there is still some silver lining. I'm due in June, which just so happens to be summer break. Therefore, I'll already be off and won't have to use any time at all. My sick days will kick in when the school year starts. This means that I may be getting 3-4 weeks of time off with my baby before I even have to touch my sick days! Once the year starts, I'll be able to take 9 weeks (45 days) off and then I'll get another free week of leave for fall break in September. Depending on how much leave I have left at the time, I'll probably take an additional 2 weeks in October before going back. This means that I'll get more than 12 weeks at home with my baby. I never thought this would be a possibility. Good thing I started saving up my sick days years ago.

But, I'm still mad at America and the way they treat women (on many issues).

Pregnancy Announcements
Nothing is going as planned in this department. As of now, 3 of my best friends know about the pregnancy. They've been my support through this entire ordeal and were the first people I wanted to tell. Mr. Merman was so excited when we got the news, so he shared it with 1 of his best friends. These are people we trust and love. They can truly join in on the happiness we're feeling at the moment as they've been there every step of the way. However, we also know that if anything were to go wrong, they would be the ones we could turn to for love and support. I also shared the news with a friend at work as we were both going through IVF/infertility at the same time. It was nice to have someone I actually knew in person (rather than online) to cycle with. She texted the morning of our Beta to offer encouragement and support so I was beyond thrilled to respond with the positive news. These are the only people who know at this point and we're hoping to keep it that way for a bit longer.

Just take a wild guess at what all went wrong this week. First and foremost, a friend approached me at work claiming that she knew my secret while rubbing her belly. I denied it and will continue to until I'm ready for people to know. Can I just tell you how much stress and anxiety this has caused? Not only am I rationally upset but I'm also sorting through the hormones that heighten my mood, trying to decipher what a normal reaction should be. Part of me wants to cry, part of me wants to scream, and part of me just wants to ignore it and hope it goes away.

I've waited YEARS for this moment. I'm finally able to say I'm pregnant. I'm still telling myself this everyday because it's so hard to believe. It's also hard to convince myself that it might actually last. I'm constantly fighting thoughts of what might go wrong: Will they see anything on the next ultrasound? Is life really going to let me have my way? My family doesn't even know yet! And now we're dealing with this. Someone knows without our consent. I'm not okay with it. What if she slips and tells someone else? What if she tells my boss before I get to? What if she slips on social media? What if something does go wrong and I have to explain it to yet another person, someone who wasn't even supposed to know?

Mr. Merman and I have been working on how we plan to share the news with the different groups of people in our lives, which includes people at work. I was hoping to tell my bosses after Thanksgiving. They've been very supportive in giving me time off and being flexible with my schedule. I even promised one of them that she'd be the first person I tell (at work). My next plan was to tell my former teammates on the last day before Christmas break. These 3 ladies also know about the struggle and I know how excited they would be for me. That way, the important people know and we can announce on social media over Christmas. When we all return to work after the holiday break, I'll be about 16 weeks. It's perfect timing! But now, I'm having to rethink my plans. Should I tell my bosses sooner? I'd hate for them to find out from someone else. Will this person share the news before I get the chance to? Now I'm feeling more rushed about telling my family and close friends. Ugh. I think I am going to cry now. Stupid hormones.

Family:
As you may recall, we had planned to tell my parents this weekend. I was going to talk my mom into grabbing Starbucks with me tomorrow afternoon so that I could tell her one-on-one. Then, we'd meet up with Mr. Merman and my stepdad to announce the news to him. I even bought little announcement gifts and paid extra for speedy shipping. My Dad's birthday is Sunday so his gift was going to be the announcement!

As luck would have it, my mom decided to go visit my Grandmother this weekend (5 hours away!). So, we're going to have to rethink all of this and try again sometime soon. Hopefully next weekend? I'm dying to tell them!

We bought supplies to make an announcement/countdown picture frame for the in-laws. We'll be working on those this weekend. The plan was to mail it to them (they live 4 states over) and tell them they have to Facetime us while they open it. But, now we may have to postpone that too. Argh! I know I shouldn't be stressing over all of this but what happened at work has really messed with my head.

Anyways, stay tuned as we try to work through our announcement drama. :)

Happy
Even with all that's going on, I'm happy. I'm living each day one at a time. I wake up every morning to check the pregnancy app and remind myself that I am, indeed, pregnant. I'm soaking in every second and holding on to hope that this really is the start of our new life as parents.

Check out my artwork from last week.

I'm 7 weeks today!