First of All
I'd like to start with the sappy, emotional stuff. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky. After all we went through, it still amazes me that this child is mine. He is beyond precious and I am infatuated with every little part of him. People always say that you don't know love until you have a child. This used to infuriate me when struggling with infertility but I get it now. The love I feel for him is indescribable. My heart is overcome with joy and happiness every single time I think about him. As sleep-deprived as I may be, I thoroughly enjoy the 2 AM wake-ups to nurse and cuddle him back to sleep. Some nights, I just keep holding and rocking him while he sleeps on my chest. It's worth the loss of sleep because we will never get this time back. These sweet baby days go quickly!
Honest Truth
Now I'm going to share the cold, hard truth of Mommyhood with a new baby. It's HARD! I sometimes feel appreciative for the infertility experience because it really helps me put life into perspective on the worst of days. Instead of complaining, I'm able to recall how I felt whilst dealing with infertility treatments. I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy. Now that I am one, I can look at my sweet boy and remind myself how much better having a son is. I'd rather lose sleep, miss meals, and give up "me time" than experience the grief of failed infertility treatments again.
Some days are amazing and I am the happiest woman on earth. Other days, I'm a mess and so stressed out or tired that I just cry. Mr. Merman is concerned with the crying but it's not a sad cry. It's just an emotional, tired cry... which is impossible to explain. I likely seem crazy trying to reiterate the fact that I am genuinely happy for the first time in a really long time, even though I do cry a lot more now.
For example, yesterday was one of the tough days. I was recovering from a night of 4 wake-ups. My right eye was twitching, both eyes bloodshot, struggling to keep my head up. My alarm went off at 5 AM and I snoozed til 5:40! Merbaby was still sleeping and I was so exhausted that I just couldn't get up. Once I was up, I couldn't find jeans that fit because I'm at that weird in-between phase. Maternity clothes are too big but normal clothes are still too small. Once I was finally dressed, I had 6 minutes to feed myself, make coffee, load the car, get Baby ready, and pull out of the driveway to get him to daycare on my way to work. Otherwise, I'd be late. All I wanted was to go to Starbucks for good coffee and a breakfast sandwich! But because I have to take Merbaby to daycare now, I no longer have time to stop in the mornings, especially when I'm running so late.
I asked Mr. Merman if he'd be interested in doing daycare drop-off but could tell he didn't really want to squeeze it into his schedule. (Daycare is completely out of the way for his drive to work). Instead, he got the baby ready and made my coffee to help me get out of the door faster. I started crying as I was packing the car to go. Not sure why but I think it was mostly because I was just so sleepy and hungry with no time to solve either problem. As luck would have it, I drove away without my work bag and had to go back home to get it, making me even later. Cue more tears. Not going to lie, I was also pretty upset with Mr. Merman. He doesn't have to do deal with a mad rush to get to daycare and work every morning. Also, his job provides coffee and food so he doesn't have to worry about getting those things himself. (So unfair!)
Once at work (30 minutes late), I cried a few more times. Don't ask me why or what I cried about cause I really don't remember.
Last night, Mr. Merman asked how I was doing and I was honest with him: This is hard. I'm sleep deprived. I hate working! I have severe mom-guilt and don't like leaving my baby everyday. I constantly think about him and miss him. I hate that I'm in such a rush in the mornings and then barely see him once I'm home in the afternoons. Because I work, it's really hard to have dinner made each night plus get daily chores and errands accomplished. If I do these things, I have to give up quality play time with Merbaby. And it kills me! So I sacrifice those things which lead to me not having meals or being prepared for work. Mr. Merman does SO MUCH to help but his commute to work limits how much time he has at home, which leaves a lot of the daily tasks on me. It's pretty overwhelming, especially this time of year.
So, he went out last night to run some holiday errands and pick up dinner. I was past the point of starving when he got home (nursing hunger is intense) so I dug right into the salad he picked up for me. One bite, and I knew something was up. Chick-Fil-A forgot to substitute the spicy chicken with the gluten-free grilled chicken. It clearly showed that the order had been adjusted on the receipt but the person making the salad failed to do it correctly meaning I couldn't eat it. No dinner. I didn't have the heart to send Mr. Merman back out to replace it. Plus, it was getting late and I just needed sleep. Crying, I poured myself a bowl of cereal and that was my dinner. I just wanted to eat a normal meal with some meat and protein. Then just as I laid down to sleep at 10 PM, Merbaby woke up screaming. I held back the tears as I climbed back out of bed, reminding myself that lack of sleep = extra cuddles. One day, I'll sleep again. But for now, I'll take my 5-6 hours (if we're lucky) of interrupted sleep.
And that's the honest truth.
Momming is hard.
Baby Milestones
Let's talk about happy things now. Merbaby has 2 teeth already! The first one appeared the day after his 4-month birthday. He had been overly fussy and regressing in sleep but we couldn't figure out why. Then a tooth popped up! The second tooth was trying to cut through for 2 whole weeks. It was a long, grueling 2 weeks. 4-5 wake-ups per night. Screaming cries and refusing to nurse for long periods of time. He wanted to be held constantly. Naps were short or non-existent. But then that second little tooth cut through and things returned to normal. And now he has the most precious smile! My heart melts when he flashes those pearly whites. It seems that he's got a few more starting to push through so we're prepared! Tylenol works wonders but I hate giving it to him too often. So it's definitely a last resort.
He's not able to sit up on his own yet but we're working on it. It's obvious that he's getting stronger. He's rolling all over the place and pushing up with his hands. We've started putting toys out in front of him to encourage crawling/scooting. He's beginning to show signs of scooting but mostly rolls over until he reaches the toy. It's so freaking adorable!
He "talks" so much now. Every time he sneezes, it's followed by an onslaught of coos and sounds. He's got the cutest little voice, raspy and low-pitch. I could just listen to him forever. He is already taking turns when "talking." He makes noise and then I say something back. He listens to me then makes more sounds. I love how intensely he watches our mouths when we're talking to him. Singing is also something he loves. If I begin singing while he's crying, he instantly stops to listen. He even has favorite songs that bring on a smile, more "talking", and excited baby kicks. Does anyone remember The Elephant Show? "Skinna-ma-rinky-dinky-dink" is his absolute favorite song.
Laughing has begun! He used to have little chuckles and giggles but they were impossible to bring on. Now, we're beginning to get those good belly laughs. He's ticklish on his armpits and behind his neck. Tickling these spots causes squeals of delight followed by the sweetest little laugh. He's also beginning to laugh at us when we make faces or funny noises. There is nothing more precious than a good baby laugh.
Merbaby love Piper! She kisses all over him, including in the mouth. ha! We're constantly having to get her to stop. But he doesn't mind. His eyes light up when he sees her and his smile grows so big when she's licking all over him. He is now reaching out for her and grabbing chunks of hair or grabbing her leg. She is doing really well with it as we haven't seen any signs of aggression yet. He loves watching her play. He'll roll all around the floor trying to follow her. That poor dog is going to be in trouble when he starts crawling.
Right now, his favorite toy is the Finding Nemo Jumpy (that's what I call it anyways). He bounces all around and plays with the different toys on it. He hasn't figured out how to turn himself so we do it for him. But those little legs are getting so much exercise. We've attempted to use the doorway jumper but he's just not ready. He goes limp and starts crying soon after we put him in it. I think the next step is to get toys that can be used while sitting up and maybe a walker?
Solids and Signing
We will begin both of these next month, once Merbaby is 6 months old. I have started doing some signing (milk & all done) just to see his reaction. He does watch and seems very interested but I doubt that he's making any connections at this point. I'm looking into purchasing a DVD or some sort of material to refresh my memory. It has been about 11 years since I learned baby signing as a nanny. I may be rusty but am so excited to be able to communicate with my baby soon!
As far as solids go, we're planning to do baby-led weaning. Originally, I was against it. My heart can't handle a choking/gagging baby and I wasn't willing to put myself through that anxiety-ridden process. But the more I read and learn, the more I think I may just need to suck it up and try it. However, I have already started a baby food stash so there will be more discussion on this topic. YouTube has some good videos that I've sent to Mr. Merman. We'll have to talk more before we decide whether or not we want to dive in full force.
Breastfeeding
Things are going really well with breastfeeding. We are still 100% exclusively breastfed. I love everything about it except the pumping. This is yet another reason that I wish I wasn't a working mom. The number one reason I hate pumping is that I am stuck in my office chair. It is so hard to get a lot of teaching work done when you're stuck in a chair. Preparing materials for lessons, gathering paperwork, creating and updating files, running errands, and attending meetings is nearly impossible. And I've definitely had crying sessions over the stress of it. I refuse to stay late at work to get these things done. Being with my baby is more important so if it can't get things done during my work hours, then it just doesn't get done. Any teacher knows that this makes successful teaching impossible but I've made it work. Baby First. Job second. :)
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| Me at work for an hour+ each day. Except this lady makes it look easy. |
Coming up with a pumping schedule at work was pretty easy and my body caught on quickly. At first, I was pumping double and even triple the amount needed for one meal. This meant that I was able to freeze and save a lot of extra milk! But that oversupply has leveled out since then. Pumping sessions now produce about 5-8 oz., which is enough for one meal with a little extra.
I pump twice at work. Once at 7:40 AM and again at 11:40 AM. Both sessions last 30 minutes. If I have extra time, I try to pump another 10 minutes with each session to collect extra milk for freezing or emergencies. I send 15 oz. to daycare each day so it's a little scary now that I'm not experiencing oversupply. There have been days that I had to reach into the frozen stash so that he'd have enough to eat at daycare.
Speaking of daycare...
Daycare
I still have mixed feelings about him being at an in-home daycare. Lots of worries come up: What if something happens to the sitter and no one else is there to watch the babies or take care of her? What if the sitter's kids have an emergency and she can't leave because she has all of the other babies? What if one of the babies has an emergency and she still has 5 other kids to attend to? I could keep going but you get the idea.
However, I do love that he is in a home setting. He has only been sick one time and it was just a little cold. (My other new mommy friends have babies that are getting sick every other week from being in a real daycare). I love that the sitter plays music all day, dances with him, and reads to him. She has a basement to hunker down in if there is bad weather. He gets really good naps because she can put him in a dark room with white noise. I can leave extra milk in her freezer in case of an emergency. He is with one teacher the entire day. And so much more! These are all things that don't happen at a normal daycare.
He seems to enjoy being there. He smiles and laughs at her and has even started reaching for her. She does holiday crafts with them and has little themed parties. Every craft has the date and a foot or hand print so we will be keeping them as forever-memories. Because she has 4 kids of her own and 8 grandkids, she is filled with knowledge and advice for each developmental stage. I love that he is watching older babies as they crawl, walk, and play so that he can learn from them and experience daily social interaction.
All in all, daycare is going really well. I'm happy with our decision and he is learning and loving his time there.
I'm not sure how to wrap this post up. There is so much more I want to write about: Baby's first snow, his first vacation, first night away from home, and all the holiday fun. I have a feeling that I'll be spending Christmas break trying to catch up on all these big moments. I've just got to find some time...
